Meet DONOVAN. The unforgiving, cynical, potty mouthed agony uncle. No one knows why his name’s always in caps, maybe he shouts it for emphasis.

** Disclaimer: The views, colourful language and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Frostmagazine.com **

Dear DONOVAN,

I was pooed on by a bird. Why do people always say it’s lucky if a bird poos on you…?

Chris from Waterford

Chris,

I hope you are referring to the feathered type and not Two girls One cup!

…or some hooker with a dodgy stomach who has convinced you out of embarrassment that “it’s all the rage in Holland!”

I have no idea why, and refuse to look it up on Wikipedia as it’s a waste of my time and yours to do so!

I can only imagine they mean that it’s lucky it missed your eyes or mouth!

And In what other situation would that be an acceptable thing to say?

If you worked in a zoo and a ruddy great elephant or hippo dropped a big on one you, your mates wouldn’t say that’s lucky would they?

They would just laugh; so would everyone else watching; maybe even film it and stick it on YouTube! and then not speak to you for a few days.

So stop this stupid superstitious tradition and have the fucking guts to say “that’s soo fuckin funny mate how unlucky was that!!!!”

If it was really all that lucky you’d get flocks of businessmen, homeless people and fellers holding lottery tickets lying on the ground in Trafalgar square having spiked bird seed with chilly powder waiting to be shat upon!

Then masturbating themselves into their own oblivion saying I’m so fucking lucky!!! check out my goggles.

While I’m at it, what the hell is so lucky about a rabbits foot?? It wasn’t lucky for the poor rabbit!

Chris you remind me of a much younger me, before the sexual abuse and eczema!

don’t let these silly people get to you.

I’m sending you a DONOVAN mug and at least 3 strands of my pubes (Framed).

God bless you young man.