In no particular order:

• The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony – “But I’m here in my mode, no, no, no.” – Love the song with all my heart but my god! They did have a serious tendency to write utterly bizarre lyrics. Seriously…what do you mean by your “mode”?

• Sam Sparro – Black and Gold – “And the apes climbed down from the trees
  and grew tall and they started talking” – Why the fuck would getting taller help them to start talking? Shut up Sparro, you penis.

• Nizlopi – JCB – The whole bloody song – Also a contender for worst band name too, Nizlopi’s seriously crap lyrics could actually have been written by a six year old. If ANYONE retorts: “that’s the point”, I won’t be amused. Utter dross. I mean, “And we’re holding up the bypass, oh-oh, me and my dad having top-laughs”? Really? Lordy.

• Keisha – P Diddy – “Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy” – What?

• Louis Armstrong – Wonderful World – “I see friends shaking hands, saying “how do you do”, what their really saying, is I love you.” – Who doesn’t love this song? I mean, I do! However, the thought of two “friends” greeting each other while repressing feelings of adoration makes me think: “what a bastard fate can be”. All a bit Remains of the Day for my liking.

• Elvis – All shook up – “Her lips are like a volcano that’s hot” – Huge? Spewing lava? Stopping all Europe’s flights for weeks? Elvis, why are you with this woman?

• Snap – Rhythm is a Dancer – “I’m as serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer” – WHAT? You are as serious as cancer (“serious” as in the gravity of having the illness, I think?) when you state that rhythm, “movement marked by fluctuating conditions” (thanks Wikipedia) is actually a dancer, and not the widely accepted definition? Well…you’re just a twat then really.

• The Socialist Republic of Vietnam– Their national anthem, Doan Quan Viet – “Soldiers of Vietnam, we go forward, With the one will to save our Fatherland. Our hurried steps are sounding on the long and arduous road. Our flag, red with the blood of victory, bears the spirit of our country. The distant rumbling of the guns mingles with our marching song. The path to glory passes over the bodies of our foes. Overcoming all hardships, together we build our resistance bases. Ceaselessly for the people’s cause we struggle, Hastening to the battle field! Forward! All together advancing!” – Sheesh, chill out!

• Elton John – Your song – “If I was a sculptor, but then again, no” – after you write a shit line, you can re-draft. “If I was a fisherman, no hang on, a scientist. No! Wait…if I was the Emperor of the World! Yeah, that would be cool” was the original opening line to Candle in the Wind.

• Anything by Oasis. Trust me; those lyrics are all just tosh. What the fuck is a “Wonderwall”?