Londoners Life 18 – by Phil Ryan

Well it’s obvious what this column has to be about. And that’s the fact that the cycle lanes to the Olympics don’t actually go all the way to Stratford! No they just stop a few miles short. It’s a scandal. On another matter London is on fire I notice and full of charming young guys in scarves and masks nicking everything they can get their scummy little hands on when they’re not torching shops and people’s homes. Meanwhile the London Metropolitan Police who don’t actually have anyone in charge at the top currently have adopted a clever brand new approach called just watching it all – in case they upset the local kids. The same charming local kids or ‘feral gangs’ as they are better known who are currently re-enacting Grand Theft Auto on the streets of various London boroughs. Presumably later to play said game on their new stolen consoles only to find it’s not quite the same. I have a plan however. Nuns. Huge armies of them. It’s very difficult to be rude or violent towards a nun. I haven’t tried but I feel it innately. We should train up Nun riot squads.

On a completely unrelated matter it is Tourist surge time as the capital fills up with evermore eager visitors. They’ll certainly have some interesting typical tourist images to take home this visit. Burning Red buses, friendly bobbies in Riot Gear screaming, Scenes of fantastic free shopping opportunities (if you’re fast enough and handy with a torn up pole) and of course happy young London children hurling petrol bombs and bricks. But London is no stranger to the odd riot although we should be clear what’s happening now is just a bunch of criminals nicking things. I have heard the various pundits and usual suspects trotting out their theories on social deprivation. But it’s certainly a strange way to attack Government policy by hoisting a 50 plasma television out of a burning Dixons! And almost inevitably I see the usual London politicos and right on mouthpieces out blaming everything but the yoof. No it’s deprivation and police brutality that makes you nearly murder strangers, terrorize the elderly and steal phones, laptops and training shoes apparently. Who’d have guessed?

It is disturbing however to finally realise just how many gangs there are now and how organised they are. They have Facebook pages, tweets and text alerts. Very London. Very fashionable. Very depressing. But we’ll get over it. 60 years ago they bombed the place and that got sorted out. And my favourite political expression now “Lessons must be learned” will dominate every powerful mouth in London for the next few months. Of course the other expression intimating that London tax payers will have to “unfortunately pick up the tab” will be said but very very quietly.

So I’ve been out and about doing my best to avoid the main thoroughfares as I always do in the tourist season but I did stop in St Christopher’s Place for tea and a crepe a few nights back which cost slightly more than having my buttocks dusted with Platinum and of course the obligatory ‘Gypsy’ band turned up to serenade us. But they were actually really good and I tossed a quid into their tambourine. But it was a real London scene I felt. A crowded sea of tables, a huge mix of people from everywhere and a fat Romanian bloke yelling ‘That’s Amore’ at the top of his lungs whilst leering at two young buxom drunken Australian girls dressed for a hen party in pink cowboy hats. Hm! Is this the land that produced Shakespeare? But aside from that it’s very much eat outside time in town right now. Try getting a seat by the River on any of the terraces along the Thames or Canals however. Booking in advance helps I’m told. February usually which is a bit of a blow. But there is some great food out there and add the sunshine and it is a pleasure to be in London right now if you know where to go. I would make lots of recommendations but then everyone else would go there and my little havens would be ruined. However in the Frost spirit I’ll give you one – just one mind – Check out the Mango Mousse (it’s a dessert) in a place called Siam Central in Charlottes Street off Tottenham Court Road. Thai food – fresh as you can imagine – tiny restaurant – food to savour! Oh yes and avoid Wednesdays that’s when I go. So what will happen next after the ‘riots’? Lessons will be learned ahem. A few dumb crooks will go to young offender institutions. Ebay will be flooded with cheap electrical goods and phones. But in truth absolutely nothing radical or clever will happen. So does anybody round here believe it will change the city and the way it operates. No. It’s a London thing.