Ho hum I’m a bit tired. But I have just got back from Amsterdam as I had a festival to play. And of course now I’m in new mode I had to get my new column together. So just to let you know Airports are great but very surreal! I was spoilt for choice as I flew out of Gatwick. Returned via Heathrow. And on my return I got this brief one travelling to Paddington on the Heathrow Express. Two city looking types watching the on board TV screen showing some coverage of the Paralympics.
Guy one “Being blind is that a disability?” Guy two “Huh? Nah not really. Mind I dunno. It’s not like you lost your legs or anything. Still it must be a drag eh?” Guy one “What being blind or losing your legs?” Guy two “Er both but losing a leg must be bad eh I mean how d’you chat up girls. It’s gotta be a bit of a passion killer right? Being blind you can just wear shades and look cool all the time”….
But the main show this week was in a café in Amsterdam on Sunday morning. An English tourist couple with a map spread out…
Middle aged guy Guy in Red cagoule “Barry didn’t rate the Van Gogh museum at all. Said it smelt funny Barbara” Woman in matching red cagoule ”Oh dear that’s bad. Barry knows his smells you know. Remember he told you about Windsor Castle and the smell of wee” Guy in Red cagoule “Yes and a good job we listened what with your asthma eh? Right it has to be the Rijksmuseum then. It’s on the list. Funny that. It sounds kind of German like Third Reich or something. You’d think someone would have noticed. I mean it could offend some people might even put them off mighten it. Specially Jewish people?” They then spoke almost in unison “Put it in the visitors book” They both chuckled at this. Women in red cagoule “God bless the visitors books I mean how many is it we’ve done this year. Thirty I think don’t you” Man in red cagoule “Hm not sure love but we let them know don’t we – don’t we though. They’re probably very grateful for our comments you know. They rely on them I’m sure. It must be tricky for them – you know how odd the public can be” Woman in red cagoule flaps the map “Yes I’m sure you’re right. So then lunch by that canal bridge don’t you think. The one with the park full of lizards nearby” Man in red cagoule “Lizards oh you are a silly billy dear they were iguanuas. Really lizards love tut tut” They both chuckle again. Man in red cagoule continues “Are we having the pancakes from yesterday?” Woman in red cagoule “No I threw them at that Japanese couple….
I had to leave at this point as I’d got the bill.
She did what!!!!!!!!!!