Londoner’s life 47 – Overheard by Phil Ryan
I am exhausted this week as it’s been a busy old time and next week is worse! But it has shoved me out into the world a lot and of course I had my ears attuned. And I ended up with two Overheard’s but chose the one you’ll see today. My brief overheard phone conversation line I got at a course I attended in Romford. I was waiting in the foyer of a very nice hotel sat a side table having a cup of tea when I saw a middle aged woman in a very spangly outfit (it was 10.00 in the morning). As I read my paper she said in a very loud stage whisper “Georgy I won’t tell you again. Sex is not a weapon”. Ooh er missus! Anyway here we go for this week’s Overheard.
I was at an art gallery launch and it was quite an upmarket affair. I was loitering by a buffet food table and admiring some huge black and white cityscapes when this occurred.
Elegant woman in black: “It’s not as if she’s a real Buddhist anyway. She had sex with her plumber for goodness sake” Elegant woman in silver: “Yes lovely but I’m not sure that’s bad for a Buddhist is it. Of course I’m not one so I’m just guessing really” Elegant woman in black: “Oh god yes darling. It’s a dreadful thing for a Buddhist. Her energy in the universe gets diminished and she won’t be able to reach any kind of inner peace. Her meditations are almost worthless after that sort of thing” Elegant woman in silver “But her marriage is in trouble. It’s as plain as the nose on your face. Have you met him though. He seemed quite a sweetie to me” Elegant woman in black “(diffidently)“You know I almost married him before I met Tony” Elegant woman in silver “(Shocked) “No really. You kept that under the radar. I had no idea!” Elegant woman in black “Oh yes we had a brief dalliance but to be frank he had a terrible body hair problem” Elegant woman in silver “Ugh I cannot deal with that sort of thing. Poor lamb it must be very difficult for him. Couldn’t he have some sort of laser thingy. He’s certainly got the resources”. Elegant woman in black (very calmly) “Well I did mention it once but he seemed oblivious to the issue. To be honest darling it was like fucking a rug” At this point they both broke down laughing and I was collared by one of the organisers.
BREAKING AND VERY IMPORTANT PHIL RYAN NEWS: WORLD FIRST!!!!!!!!!
As a writer for the past countless years I have written columns like this, plays, film scripts, sitcoms, books, short stories and comedy scripts for stand-up comedians. HOWEVER up until then I had never written a joke. And by this I mean a joke you could tell BUT yesterday as I was walking through John Lewis in Bond St I thought of a complete joke.
At a Medical Centre the Head doctor is at the morning meeting with all the other doctors. He points out all the new Xmas decorations and the tree in the lobby and asks them to thank the receptionist for the festive look. He tells them a guy from the NHS is going to spend time with them today to check on their patient handling skills. He says just co-operate as its part of their yearly inspection. So the first Doctor goes into his cubicle and greets the man who has a clipboard. A patient comes in complaining of a bad knee. The first Doctor examines it and then smiling he says “Oh we’re going to have to give you some special reindeer cream so when Santa’s reindeer comes with your presents you can kneel down and give them a biscuit” The patient laughs and smiles and takes his cream and leaves still smiling. The man with the clipboard tells the Doctor “That was excellent” and he goes into the second Doctors cubicle. The Second doctor greets him and then a patient comes in and says he has a bad neck. The Second Doctor says “Oh well I’m going to give some special Santa Claus neck ointment so you can see Santa’s sled coming when he brings your presents” The patient laughs and smiles and takes his ointment and leaves still smiling. The man with the clipboard tells the second Doctor “That was excellent” and he goes into the third Doctors cubicle. The Third doctor greets him and then a patient comes in and says he has a bit of a rash. The third Doctor tells him to pop behind the curtain and the man with the clipboard hears the Third Doctor behind the curtain say “Yes. I’ll give you some pills. Off you go” And he pulls the curtain back and points the man to the way out. The man with the clipboard nudges the third doctor and gestures to him. The third Doctor sighs heavily and rolls his eyes and then calls out to the departing patient “Hang on” (this part is sung to the tune of ‘It’s beginning to look a lot like Xmas’) and singing he goes “It’s beginning to look a lot like herpes….
YES FOLKS THAT IS THE FIRST JOKE I EVER WROTE Date 24th November 2012 at 5.00pm.