When a relationship is already struggling , Christmas can intensify that struggle. Instead of being a happy celebratory time, Christmas completely drains the joy. If you are already feeling a little under the strain and under supported, this article is for you.
The 12 pitfalls of Christmas and how to avoid them
1 Too High An Expectation
We all have the wish for the perfect, romantic moment with the perfect gift when all our Christmas fantasies come true. There is an enormous sense of expectation on the big day and a lot of people aiming for perfection. This quest for perfection and the best Christmas ever can drain us and render both our Christmas and our partner’s efforts a disappointment. We all deserve to be happy and sometimes happiness is best reached when we stop the pressure. High expectations usually only lead to …..
2 Disappointment
The disappointment can be crushing because it feels so symbolic, as though if we are unhappy even at Christmas then we must be fundamentally miserable together. We can feel that “we” as a couple don’t want the same things in life just because “we” don’t want the same things at Christmas.
Perhaps we need to compromise our expectations, agree on how we will spend our time and efforts. “Good enough” can be very happy indeed. Decide to do something lovely for each other, so you both experience your special moment, so that potential disappointments can be curbed this Christmas.
3 Negative Mindset
If we feel we’ve over-compromised or that we’re taken for granted before we start, then we enter into any conversation with a negative attitude which sets us up to have an argument or to fail in general.
If we look for the negatives and only notice events or things that are less than perfect this can lead to……
4 Over reaction
We all have the ability to massively over react. If we are tense to begin with, then the seemingly small stuff can push us over the edge from calm and composed to tantrum and distress. The number of people that argue over the practicalities of Christmas is probably close to 100%.
One particularly stressful practicality is packing the car. Let’s face it, this is basically an argument in a boot! Mindset is key when it comes to the arduous errands around Christmas. If you find yourself thinking “what a nightmare all this stuff is” and “no way is it all going to fit into the car” …. Think about this before the day of travel and also turn that around to think “how great that we can give so many presents” and “This is going to be so much fun”.
After all, why spend all this time and energy and money buying the presents if you’re going to complain about packing them and the subsequent journey?
Some people have better spatial awareness than others …. be honest with yourself … how good are you at filling every crevice efficiently? If the other person insists on doing it, let them get stuck before you wade in with your suggestions.
5 Who’s rule is it anyway?
Christmas can seem as though it comes with an invisible but very real rule book. This rule book to be based on absolutes about the fundamental questions such as, ‘Who to spend Christmas Day with?’ Often families feel they must spend Christmas together. Christmas Day seems to be symbolic of family and therefore if you don’t spend it with your family, you feel judged that you aren’t behaving in an accepted way. These emotionally laden rules lead to …..
6 Stress in various relationships
Many couples argue over whose parents’ turn it is to visit, and whose tradition to follow. It may seem uncharitable and selfish to spend time with people whose company you actually enjoy.
Just because you’ve spent it with one set of people for the past 5 years, doesn’t mean you would be insulting anyone to have a change. Handling that situation need not be as difficult as you may fear it is.
Family dynamics go into over drive. Various family members can battle over status and following certain traditions can equate to personal victories or be perceived as slights. Siblings can start to regress into squabbles befitting adolescence not middle age!
Everything can feel as though there is a hidden agenda and negative communication; even gift giving can be perceived as point scoring. Christmas day can be reduced into a competitive battle ground with everyone trying to assert their status, for example, who’s in charge, who carves, whose pudding is better, who wouldn’t have bought the pudding but made it from scratch, whose present is more expensive, better thought out? Competitiveness creeps in to cause many underlying feelings of guilt and undermining. Christmas is reduced to a series of unpleasant negotiations.
Focusing on how you and your partner really want to spend Christmas in a fashion that will make you truly happy is the key to sidestepping the unpleasantness. Thinking about happiness as the goal of the day and not point proving or following arduous tradition keeps you on the right track.
7 Quest for perfection
Women can often feel that how well they “do” Christmas is symbolic of how much they love and how good a wife and homemaker they are. Women can end up putting so much pressure on themselves to get it all perfect that they set themselves up to fail, because they become stressed and grumpy therefore less fun to be around. This stress can lead to ….
8 Feeling Overwhelmed
FUN is the point of Christmas for most of us. So, if the process of preparation drains the joy of the day, then your priorities are misconstrued however well intentioned.
Children and even partners only notice the stress – they don’t know the difference between good enough and perfection. So halve your “to do” list and go without some of the food and events but do what you are doing with a smile and you will enjoy it to and so will they!
9 Feeling Lonely
Generally, husbands/male partners tend to care and plan somewhat less and the other partner feels “slighted” or dismissed … that what they want to talk about is irrelevant … and this feeling of being ignored leads to ….
10 A sense of isolation
We can all feel lonely in a crowded room and never more so than at Christmas. This sense of isolation and being on your own with everything can cause stress. You can feel as though you need to take responsibility for Christmas and the emotional wellbeing of everyone and this becomes overwhelming.
Christmas and its scripts can put emotions and relationships into intense mode …. you’re supposed to feel joy and it can work to the contrary by making you feel more lonely, less connected, less valued, more miserable.
Communication is key to avoiding this pitfall. Talk to your partner about what you need to. However, you also need to talk to yourself. Strategize your efforts so that they will pay off and not completely frazzle you. If you don’t get the help you need, do less. Be fair on yourself too so that you don’t feel alone with it all this Christmas.
11 Working too hard
One partner feels taken for granted. One partner isn’t pulling the same weight in effort as the other. It feels symbolic that “if my partner doesn’t care as much about Xmas as I do, that means he/she doesn’t love me”. This sense of disproportion within the relationship can lead to….
12 Arguments and Disappointment
Overall, there are high expectations and the whole feeling of pressure to make this the “absolutely perfect family day” … and then add some alcohol to that and emotions quickly rise to the surface causing tension.
So logistic planning is helpful eg who’s going to contribute foodwise/drinkswise/presents …. all of this needs careful discussion beforehand.
Financially, parents tend to spend lots of money on their kids and then that sometimes leaves less for your partner’s present eg combining a Christmas present with a birthday present … it becomes a financial transaction rather than a giving or romantic one. This is not a positive attitude to present-giving unless fully agreed with the receiver.
It is a very extended time together from eg 10 am – 9pm or even longer when visiting relatives far away which means an overnight stay is included. So if it’s someone you don’t see regularly because you don’t want to, that too brings huge pressure of interaction to spend 36-48 hours with those people.
If you feel your relationship is coming to an end, then buying presents for the maybe “last Xmas” feels like a death looming.
How to step over these pitfalls
Whatever you decide, make that a positive decision. Go into the situation with a positive mindset …. set it up to succeed.
Think about it – any time you meet a person who is complaining, down on themselves, or generally miserable, then your heart sinks and you don’t feel so good.
When you are greeted by someone who is smiling, open and interested, you feel their energy and the joy begins.
Prepare as best you can regarding travel logistics, presents without going into huge debt and agreeing who makes the gravy. Have all the necessary conversations so that everyone’s expectations are met.
If there are still some issues, this is where you have to decide whether you are going to spend time with these people or not. And if you decide that you are going to be with them, then this is when you decide how you are going to feel and behave. If you go in with a smile on your face, you will feel happier and your experience will be happier.
We can all survive and even enjoy Christmas 2013!
Mindset is the key to a happy and fun Christmas Day.
Wishing you a happy Christmas Day.
From: Vivienne Goldstein (Relationship Coach) and
Dr Lucy Atcheson (Psychologist)
We hope this article is helpful. If you would like some bespoke therapeutic support for your relationship at one of our workshops supporting women to enhance their relationships please contact us at
Lucy@counsellingpsychologistlondon.com or Viv@viviennegoldstein.com