Speaking up
My daughter was 19, almost 20 when I found out she had an eating disorder. A friend had told her that if she didn’t speak to me about it then he would. I will be forever grateful to that young man. How long would it have gone undiscovered otherwise?
She agreed to get help but didn’t feel able to make the call. So I called and got through to the doctor – who couldn’t speak to me because she was over 18. I handed over the phone.
I made other calls and appointments and drove her there and sat outside. And waited, and waited. I wasn’t invited over the threshold. She was an adult, wasn’t she – but she was a vulnerable adult.
She was referred to the eating disorders clinic quite quickly – thank goodness. I went with her to every appointment for weeks; months. I would ring the doorbell because she couldn’t summon up the courage to do that. A simple task, to ask for access. I didn’t know that I should have made her do it herself. I daren’t. I didn’t want to give her any opportunity not to get help.
That was her controlling me, and the eating disorder was controlling her. Fear takes hold and that’s when you lack clarity.
If only someone had told me earlier. If only I had asked.
I didn’t even ask.
I didn’t ask because I knew that NHS resources are overstretched. I didn’t want any professional wasting their time on me. I wanted them to spend their expertise on getting my daughter well because I had no idea what to do.
I should have asked.
I may very well have got the information I needed to help her get stronger. She came out of her appointments and came home with me and I had to deal with the fallout. I had no idea if what I was doing was right or wrong. Pure guess work. I didn’t know anyone else in the same situation and was too embarrassed to ask. I was her mother I should have spotted the signs.
I should have known my child.
Talking about it helps.
Parents need support too. It may very well help the child recover faster. It will certainly help you to speak to others in the same situation. I can’t tell you what a relief it was for me.
You can look on the B-eat website for how and what to do if you are concerned that someone you know or love has an eating disorder.
Tracy Baines has written a book about how her daughter’s eating disorder impacted on her family. The book It’s Not about the Food is part memoir part self-help guide. It contains resources she found helpful and quotes from many other parents she either interviewed or who responded to her questionnaire.