Today I am watching the morning news about a gentleman called John. He had just passed away and was over a hundred years old. He was on the news now because he had been talking about his loneliness in his care home just before Christmas and people had sent him Christmas cards and lovely messages which helped him overcome this. His wife had died of Covid 19 in March and they had been married 70 years. It was a sad story. It made me think of Bob and how lonely he must feel in his care home.
It is 300 days since I last held his hands or even had any meaningful close contact. The care home has stopped all visits even looking through the window at him. This is since the second lockdown in November. No Christmas visits.
He caught Covid. It was 2 weeks after the Lockdown and then he miraculously fought it and got better from it, only mild symptoms. I asked our GP to go in and check him. She confirmed this but said he was very frail. I know this. I have to see this on my weekly Skype for 30 minutes. This is all the contact I am allowed. It is very upsetting for both of us.
Bob does not understand where I am. He looks around the room for me. How cruel is that for his brain? He can hear my voice and thinks I am in the room. He said once, ‘It’s magic,’ because he doesn’t understand the screen and how I can be on it. He reaches for me. At other times he is agitated and tells me ‘She’s dead, dead, dead’ or ‘Shut up.’ I carry on showing him round the house, playing him some records of his favourite tracks, telling him I love him and Joe and Edd send him a kiss. I wave and blow kisses to the screen. Often there is no response. His eyes are not looking. He is staring but not focussing. Sometimes he seems to be trying to dredge up some memory of me but I am not physically there or touching him so he cannot fathom it.
I have not been idle in my quest to see him. I have gone through all the government guidance. It is updated regularly. Window visits can go ahead. Pod visits can go ahead. PPE guidance needs to be followed and personalised risk assessments done. I point it out but that’s all I can do.
The recent third Lockdown has not helped me. The R rate is low where I live in rural Lincolnshire. My headteacher has agreed to me working from home. Keeping safe for Bob just in case I get the phone call. Teaching on Zoom is not easy.
I have alerted my Admiral nurse and my Social worker and the home manager that Bob is ‘end of life’. I have given them a letter from my GP. New guidance ‘Rules during Lockdown’ p 5 states that exceptional circumstances such as ‘end of life is a compassionate reason for me to have visits and not just at the very end of life. It states that I am allowed to leave home to visit a care home (it is a walk from my home). It directs the reader to the latest guidance which was 19 December 2020 updated from 1 December 2020. There is a section on exceptional circumstances 2.4
The key message states ‘Visits in exceptional circumstances such as ‘end of life’ should always be supported and enabled and not just at the very end of life.’
A December letter from the care home described exceptional circumstances as imminent death – the last 48 hours and not 6-12 months. They said they will let me know when this 48 hours is by phone and a visit will be ‘timed, appointment only and 2m away’
Obviously, this is horrendous. The GP has been great and has spoken to the home to confirm Bob has months to live in her opinion. We believe this too because the trajectory of decline has been profound. I believe his illness has declined more quickly because he has not had the stimulation from myself visiting him. She agreed with us that the home would find it difficult to predict Bob’s last 48 hours as she would too. I am terrified I won’t see Bob for a meaningful visit before he dies. Everyone knows this, including the home. I am tired of their empathy or that their ‘hands are tied.’
Today after a discussion with the Social Worker and Admiral nurse – both amazingly supportive, the manager rang me to say her regional manager will allow me a window visit weekly if the tests for Bob’s unit comes back negative in the next day or two. They were all negative a few days before.
Surely I could have been having window visits in any case as the virus does not jump through glass.
When the vaccine gets to his unit it will protect residents and carers. Most have already had the virus; surely they will have some anti-bodies?
So I wait until the unit have had the vaccine and then wait the 3 weeks for the protection – which will be another month – then I want to visit Bob in his room having had a negative test myself and wearing PPE. I think I am more than reasonable. I hope I am not too late.
I was on BBC news in November at 6 pm and 10 pm. It was my last window visit. It is a harrowing film but truthful. Alison Holt, health journalist is following my story. A local councillor got in touch; she had worked with Bob in his local government role for many years and she is beavering away in the background. I have had messages from friends in London that Bob went to university with many moons ago.
The Human Rights law has been broken – right to a family life, the Equality Act never adhered to – and as I am appointed his voice via the Deprivation of Liberty as he has no mental capacity as well as POA I am trying to fight for what he would want – which is me!
Sadly, there are thousands more like me. Many didn’t win this battle in time.