Author Archives: Ugh

Future Eater {Ceri's Column}

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Now is the future. Ok, so that’s the kind of clearly logic-flouting “I’m so po-mo” statements that are barely ever uttered beyond the uber-cool confines of…I dunno…Hoxton? I don’t know where’s cool.

But there is a hint of the Buck Rogers about all these World Cup themed crisps from Walkers. On eating the USA’s “American Cheeseburger” I actually exclaimed “Wow” (the first time since eating some really excellent cuisine in a Michelin starred restaurant…once). I swear I had a cheeseburger in my gob. This made me love them more than any burger I’ve ever had or ever could.

This experience reminded me of a limited edition of Skips released with the theme of a CITV cartoon I cannot for the balls of me remember what it was called – It was about some kids who lived in  a computer game or some shit…it was quite good. Anyway, one of the flavours was donut. They were also divine.

All these “Foods with the flavour of other foods” (catchy) made me think: Why the hell are there not more of these wonderfully futuristic concoctions? I’m not talking flavoured pills from some dystopian World Republic or even a Fantasmagorically Wendiferous Roald Dahl-esque jar of sweeties. I mean crisps that taste of toast. I mean toast that tastes of cheese…like cheese on toast but without the cheese. I want to open a pack of Pringles and taste Apple Crumble.

So…what I’m saying is I want to go to the Fat Duck in Bray…

The World Cup; A Celt's Thoughts {Ceri's Column}

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Well, we didn’t get there again. Not only did Wales fail to get even close to the finals, but not a single Celtic nation will be at  the first World Cup to be held in Africa. Nice one, assholes.

But I’m used to it and…well, see…I do love the World Cup, y’know. I really do. I know what you’re thinking: “Ceri? That’s Welsh, innit? Why the hell would YOU enjoy the World Cup? Wales haven’t been in it since the 50’s!” well, I assume that’s what you’re thinking because the rest of the piece hinges on it.

Firstly, SHUT UP I KNOW! I’m more a rugby fan anyway.

Secondly, being an impartial viewer really does heighten my enjoyment of the tournament! No, seriously!  All you flag of St. George waving, lager swilling Eng-er-landers can happily cheer along your team but the other games tend to be a formality to watch. I’ve heard many a glib utterance of (things along the lines of) – “Ooh look, Portugal’s out” from some England fan or another. Oh Yeah? That’s HUGE, you pillock!

Every team is a possible villain or hero for me! I do usually pick a team before the tournament commences, but it invariably changes after the group stages. (Last time I was all “Yeah! Go Ireland!” and was chanting “Forza Azzuri” by the end…I was supporting Italy, asshole.)

This year, Argentina is my team. Partly due to the small yet significant Welsh-speaking population living in Patagonia. Partly due to my 3rd favourite sporting moment being Maradonna’s “Hand  of God” ;-)

(after Gareth Edward’s try for the Barbarians vs New Zealand and Wales’ 2005 Six Nations Grand Slam.)

But my backing of the Argies is mainly due to Lionel Messi. God this guy is crazy-style awesome.

So, what the fuck do you want now? My tip to win? Easy, it’s the same as everyone else’s. Spain. What? Why are you still staring at the screen? What do you expect? Oh! Shit, you want me to say good luck? As in, to England! Ugh. Well….<exhales>….here goes.

Good luck…um…chaps…lads…fellas…uh…is that ok? Cool.

Oh and before I forget, if DO you win, don’t spend the next 50 years gloating. K?

Shit, I’m going to regret wishing you lot good luck now…

Under Pressure {Ceri's Column}

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I do love a game of poker. It really does grab you by the balls and holds you close saying: “Yeah? Yeah?! You think you’re so fucking hot, huh? Punk ass?” Well, that makes it sound like a violent pimp, but you get my drift. No? OK: Poker is awesome.

Mind you, I’m not great at the suspense side of it. I get all screechy when I’ve gone all in (chucked all your chips away) and are awaiting the river card (the last one they flip over and the American commentator of late-night Channel 4 poker shows calls out “Holy Yowza! If that ain’t the darnedest 3 hole strip-lined dandy river I ever saw!”…or something). I can’t bloody stand it!

It’s odd. I’m fine with scary films. I’m a picture of serenity with any real-life danger. Even sporting pressure is OK, (I played rugby for many a year until I got ill…and shit at it). But in the context of a game? I really am useless.

I’ve been known to stand up and shout: “WILL YOU FRIGGING HURRY UP AND TURN OVER THE CARDS YOU DIRTY ASSSSSHOOOOOLEEEE” at the poor, defenceless dealer! Well I say “defenceless”. I was escorted out of the casino by a burly security guy…who was wearing the same uniform as the croupiers. I hope he wasn’t a croupier…anyway, as per usual, I digress.

Come to think of it, I’m rubbish in other suspense-filled games.

Jenga? Jesus wept; I’m a nervous wreck… The thought of being responsible for a whole structure just tumbling down brings me out in hives! I stay clear of any game that even looks like it’s primarily made from wood now.

Buckaroo. It’s the bastard’s face. He looks so stressed! There is nothing worse than staring at an angry donkey carrying random objects.

Kerplunk? Fuck off.

So, by all means play me at Scrabble. Or Monopoly. Cluedo (or Clue to you Yanks) is a bit of a grey area. Hmmm. Better stick to I spy.

by Ceri Phillips

Ceri’s Top…or Best…No Ceri’s Favourite '10' YouTube Comedy Sketches {Ceri's Column}

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Right you lovely dirty and occasionally American readers! These are the funniest clips on the internet! I did not include clips from TV shows or footage of real-life funny stuff…so maybe not the funniest clips per-se, just the funniest devised pieces. Happy? You frigging will be. Oh and Rick roll’d, Charlie’s finger biting and other faddish clips and memes like that can just curl up somewhere and die. OK here we go!

  • “Shoes – Full Version” – Liam Kyle Sullivan’s comic creation “Kelly” has an added je ne sais quoi over most characters of a similar ilk (your am I bovverds and Vicky pollards).  I walked around Swansea for months saying “shoes” in Kelly’s monotonous way whenever I saw a pair in a shop window…then whenever I saw a pair anywhere. Had to stay at home for a bit. I’m fine now.

  • “Charlie the Unicorn” – Creeeeeeeeepy! But I wish Charlie had his own series! All the clips are great and these guys really know how to make a great animated clip. Bastards…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus

  • “Powerthirst” – I’m not the biggest fan of these guys. They seem like a pretty run-of-the-mill sketch troupe but MY SWEET HOT TAMALES this clip is just awesome!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs

  • “Gargoyles Hatch” – Welsh comedy geniuses? Look no further than The Milk. I’ve met these lovely lads from Blaina. Absolutely fucking insane. No. Seriously. A bit socially deviant. But the best European clip of a humorous nature on the web…does anyone say “the web” anymore? Well, I do. Try finding their Ross Kemp n Gangs sketch too. It’s gonna be bezzzerrrk!!!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Bk676Z1AAM

  • “500 impressions in 2 minutes” – This brilliant bloke’s simple yet effective sketch is very good.  His other stuff is pretty good too! Plus he totally shatters the myth that Oriental people aren’t funny, bleed acid and cannot taste sweet things and therefore actually call “sweet and sour chicken” just “sour chicken”. Nah, none of those are real myths. Are they? Yes.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpsfDTbzKwM

  • “Total Eclipse of the Heart – Literal Version” – I’m Welsh and do not like Bonnie Tyler. That is what I used to say before seeing THIS! My favourite musical comedy clip in the whole world. I wish I could join the Glee Club of the Damned. Shit.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA

  • “Academy Award Winning Movie Trailer” – This is by my current stalk-targets, Britanick  (Pronounced like Titanic; as in the ship and the film and the likeness to a Titan). These two clever boys have too many clips to pick from and getting to a decision regarding my personal favourite was too hard. At the time of writing it’s this one. I’ll look at this in two days and say “No fucking way, Ce (That’s what I call myself in my head) The one where the Dad comes in is way better. God I hate you. Why don’t you just shut up and stop writing shit, bitch.” Then I’ll see Dr. Coburn…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFicqklGuB0

  • “Taleshmech Restaurant” – This doesn’t make me hungry, it makes my fungry! Balls, that doesn’t work at all…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YDfN30sD80

  • “Spiders on Drugs” – I used to be arachnophobia but, thanks to this film, I am mortally afraid of the crack spider.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

**PLUG ALERT**

Now, please take a look at my own YouTubey clipettes. They are made with my sketch group Le 122. They don’t make my top 10…so, that says it all really. Gonna plug it anyway. Right, pint?

Le 122 – http://www.youtube.com/user/LeOneTwoTUBE

Hello Kitty…Sir {Ceri's Column}

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Raaaaaaaaaawr!

Sorry…

Lions scare the crap out of me but I must admit they seem to have quite a lot of things going for them. They look pretty damn cool, they kick Wildebeest and Thompson’s Gazelle ass and most of all they are known as “King of the Beasts”…fair play.

However, they have HILARIOUS balls. Really the most comical testicles I’ve ever seen. They have slightly pale, furry and not hairy and perfectly spherical bollocks. It’s a real blow to their tough cat image. I suppose it’s like seeing a thuggish football hooligan with…perfectly spherical bollocks. I really had trouble with that analogy half way through…

As if this naturally occurring drag wasn’t enough, many live in captivity or on nature reserves. How does that add to their image crisis I hear you (or assume you will) say? Well it isn’t some embarrassment at being incarcerated or studied or “protected” without their say so…they’re animals, they do not have this capacity. It’s the names that some are given.  Bakele, Topi and Khali are all names that make me think “Yes. That’s the kind of name a lion should have”. Tin-tin, Scruffy and Mr. Tickle are pretty bad but animals all over the globe get them. It’s the normal names that really get me chuckling.

I have no problem with the name Jimmy. It’s a fine name. But the dominant male of a blood-thirsty and brutal Pride that prowls about the Serengeti?

King Jimmy? Jimmy the Springbok killer? Nah. I’d rather be called King Snuggles.

Plus Tigers are cooler anyway.

(Editor says “yes, tigers are cool, I’m not saying Lion bits arn’t serious but to give this article more gravitas here’s a link to a charity“)

Dr. Who? {Ceri's Column}

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I’m all addicted and confused. My addiction is to a certain bottled narcotic called “Dr. Pepper”. My confusion is…see… what in the hell is Dr. Pepper anyway?

I’ve thought; for years and years; that it was Cherry Coke’s rival. Pepsi vs. Coke, Tango vs. Orangina, 7up vs. Sprite and of course Lilt vs…Well, Dr. Pepper vs. Cherry Coke was another carbonated beverage based rivalry. Apparently I’m wrong. Dr. Pepper is technically classed as a “pepper-flavoured” drink. (Technically = Wikipedia verified) Pepper. Um…what? Now I’m no bald-headed glasses warer from Master Chef, but I know what pepper tastes like. It tastes like fucking pepper. DOCTOR pepper tastes like a slightly sweeter cherry cola. Am I wrong?

CEO W.W. Clements once said: “I’ve always maintained you cannot tell anyone what Dr Pepper tastes like because it’s so different. It’s not an apple, it’s not an orange, it’s not a strawberry, it’s not a root beer, and it’s not even a cola. It’s a different kind of drink with a unique taste all its own.”

Nope. It’s cherry. Fuck! Plus, it was patented in 1885 by…yes you guessed it…Charles Alderton. Oh, sorry gentle reader, were you expecting someone else? A certain medical practitioner with a rather spice-racky surname? SO, WHO THE FUCK IS DOCTOR PEPPER? There is much conjecture on the matter of the name, (is it from “pepsin”, or any number of quack-physicians that carry the name Pepper etc.) and I know I should just shut up and enjoy the drink but…Why not call it something else? Please? For my sanity

Hounded by the Insane {Ceri's Column}

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People shout at me. It’s OK; usually they’re nice. Sometimes they aren’t. Once in a blue moon, they’re just plain odd. I need to know why! It bugs me how some folk just have no command of their wits, decide it’s a good idea to shout at a stranger and then do not seem to think “hang on, I’m a fucking nutter!”

These are some things I have had shouted at me over the last year or so:

  • Oi! Chipper. (Not a clue what this means.)
  • Hey, Cube! (Uh…square? is that what you’re getting at?)
  • Get off the road you Twazack. (Twat + wazack – Twazack? Plus…I wasn’t on the road…)
  • Oi mate, where’s your fanny? (This was called out as I bit into a choc ice)
  • Blondie (!!!!)
  • Oi, you! Postman Pat! (I don’t wear a uniform, I am not a postman, I don’t drive a van, and I don’t have a black and white cat or wear glasses. What the FUCK?)
  • You look like a jute (vegetable fibre-string?)

What makes people shout random shit at strangers? I think we, (or social anthropologists…or at the very least some students) should conduct some kind of research into this…

Troubling. Very troubling.

Not so Hidden Gems part Deux: The Fattening {Ceri's Column}

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Please don’t kill me with sticks but I have to say…AMERICAN CANDY KICKS ASS!

There I said it. Happy? No? Don’t believe me? NO? Well, first off, how frigging dare you. Second off, it bloody is. The chocolate bar most associated with US confectionary is Hershey’s. Now I will admit, a plain, as you are, milk chocolate, regular, no fries Hershey bar tastes like sub-Aldi own brand. Almost gone off. Most Dairy Milk competitors from the States just taste like balls…as in, not nice. K? Right…

But when it comes to other bars and chocs, sadly for all you Union Jack wavers, they rule. Compare a Peanut Butter Twix to a lunch box friendly British one-finger. No contest. I’ll be singing the Star Spangled Banner next! Peanut butter M&M’s rock my mouth off too! How do I know this?

CYBERCANDY.

Next door to Snog Frozen Yogurt (the wondrous place I wrote about in “Not so Hidden Gems”) in Covent Garden, there is a sweet shop like no other. Or rather, a sweet shop like they must have in other countries whose chocolates they stock…so, what I want to tell you is Cybercandy stocks and sells sweets from around the globe. Sorry, I’ll learn to write some day.

American chocs are mainly peanut or peanut butter based, Canadian stuff is usually bigger version of British stuff, Japan has a real taste for Apple, New Zealand is crazy for marshmallow, Sweden loves liquorice and Mexico can fuck right off with its crappy salty offerings. Bleurgh!

It isn’t just chocolates they have, Oooooh no sir! Gums, Chews, Taffy, Root beers, giant Japanese Mountain Dew, other American sodas, Quagmire from Family Guy themed Energy Drink (I shit you not!),pop tarts, American cereals like Lucky Charms, Dairy milk bars from other countries, Japanese Ramune Soda and all sorts of edible bugs, astronaut foods and flavoured toothpicks and TWINKIES!

This place is like Heaven. Proper no-foolin’ Heaven!

You shop with heart-shaped buckets that fill-up waaaay too easily. The shop itself is tiny and always jammed with people going “Aaaaah! I saw this on The Sopranos!” or “Duuude! I used to get this all the time at home, man…yee haaa!” (An American ex-pat, y’see!)

My highlights are:

–          Japanese Kit Kats; They are tiny and come in a variety of crazy flavours like Bubblegum, Ginger ale (lush) and Sweet Potato!

–          Butterfinger bars from the USA: Peanut butter flavoured brittle encased in chocolate. Devine.

–          Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts – Droooooooool.

The only note I’d give this place is: GET SOME AMERICAN POTATO CHIPS! American Doritos, Fritos, Cheetos and any other crisps not necessarily ending in “os”!

Apart from that. Go there. Now. Get diabetes, I don’t care! It’s worth it. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.