Christmas is nearly upon us. And I’m slowing my work schedule down to allow me to get some outstanding projects finished. But I’ve been around the town quite a bit and of course my antenna is now finely attuned. My overheard phone conversation line woman came as I walked past a doorway near the London School of Fashion. A very camp guy was heavily engrossed in a conversation and as I had just wandered past him I heard him say “She’s a liar Mindy an absolute liar I never said you were fat. The word I actually used was generously proportioned and sister you are!” Woohoo diplomacy! Anyway here we go for this week’s Overheard.
I was in a bookshop on Charing Cross Road and I was standing very close to a couch which had a very artistic looking couple sat on it. They were obviously from some kind of theatrical company judging by a technical discussion they were having. So I started to phase their conversation out when….
Artistic Girl: “But it’s the Second Genie I’m concerned about Todd he’s just not cutting it” Artistic Guy: “Really I thought he seemed to be blending in well” Artistic girl: “I wish. He’s a drinker I’m sure of it. He told two of the sultans slave girls to piss off and die on Wednesday and I heard he told one of those school children that if he could grant wishes he wished he wasn’t in this fucking crap panto. She told Jim at School liaison.” Artistic guy: “No he seems so nice. He gave me a hot chocolate and a back rub on that late night tech rehearsal. He’s got a great voice and he really shines doing the chase up the rope bits” Artistic girl: “Hm well I don’t know about that but he’s got mad eyes. The third genie reckons he hears voices and not nice ones. I have to make a decision on him by Friday as Sheila doesn’t want any hassle in the Xmas period. You know how she gets. Did you see how much Chablis she knocked back after that photo call?” Artistic guy ”Poor love she’s a martyr to her lower back” Artistic girl: “So what d’you reckon I should do? We have to have three fully function Genies with no bad attitudes asap otherwise it’ll just be terrible” Artistic guy: “I’ll have a word dear he’s coming round to my place tonight” Artistic girl “Oh……
Oh that Second Genie problem, it’s so typical!

One more week of stuff to do and then I’m taking December off! to do my own thing if possible. But as usual I’ve been pinging about the place so in great position to get this week’s offerings. My brief overheard phone conversation line I got from the Food Hall at Selfridges where I was waiting for a friend. I was loitering by the bakery section when I heard a woman behind me yell into her phone “There is no way I am cooking fish Simon it stinks the house out. We are having pasta and if you’re mother doesn’t like it then the old hag can go swivel!” Obviously a close and harmonious relationship there then!
Anyway here we go for this week’s Overheard.
I was at a Pan Asiatic restaurant and it was quite a noisy place so I had no problem hearing the shouted conversation to my left.
Three young women clearly celebrating one of their numbers forthcoming marriage. Girl 1: “But the office hasn’t changed at all so that’s lucky considering I thought we’d all lose our jobs” Girl 2: “Frankly I was shitting myself. I just bought my Golf and the payments aren’t great I can tell you what with Dominic not getting any bonus for the 3 months” Marriage Girl 3: “I know it really freaked me out. But according to Mr Reese our department uno one its fine. There’s no redundancies apparently and income is back on track. If I couldn’t have had my horses and coach I’d have been beside myself. Two grand to be a fairy princess it’s shocking” Girl 1: “But you’ll look so cool won’t you. It looks gorgeous. Just like Cinderella” Girl 2: (Laughing) Except she doesn’t do the cleaning and I mean any cleaning, washing or cooking” They all laugh very noisily “. Marriage Girl ”No no. I don’t. Craig knows what he’s getting into. I’m high maintenance I admit it. But he said he doesn’t care. Mind you he’s not getting me into any of those funny positions he likes anymore. Honestly I nearly cricked my back again. He’s on heat I tell you. He’s like one of those little clockwork jumping dogs and his face gets all screwed up….” They all laugh noisily again “Girl 2: You wouldn’t think it to look at him? Isn’t he an accountant?” Marriage Girl 3 (interrupting) “There’s one bit you should see. It’s like a banana every morning” They all screech now “Girl 2 “A banana?” Girl 1: “I saw him in the pool last year, Banana. More like a bunch” They all broke down screaming and after more descriptions of poor Craig I moved table.
Very upmarket but I feel sorry for Craig. No more funny positions mate!

Londoner’s life 47 – Overheard by Phil Ryan
I am exhausted this week as it’s been a busy old time and next week is worse! But it has shoved me out into the world a lot and of course I had my ears attuned. And I ended up with two Overheard’s but chose the one you’ll see today. My brief overheard phone conversation line I got at a course I attended in Romford. I was waiting in the foyer of a very nice hotel sat a side table having a cup of tea when I saw a middle aged woman in a very spangly outfit (it was 10.00 in the morning). As I read my paper she said in a very loud stage whisper “Georgy I won’t tell you again. Sex is not a weapon”. Ooh er missus! Anyway here we go for this week’s Overheard.
I was at an art gallery launch and it was quite an upmarket affair. I was loitering by a buffet food table and admiring some huge black and white cityscapes when this occurred.
Elegant woman in black: “It’s not as if she’s a real Buddhist anyway. She had sex with her plumber for goodness sake” Elegant woman in silver: “Yes lovely but I’m not sure that’s bad for a Buddhist is it. Of course I’m not one so I’m just guessing really” Elegant woman in black: “Oh god yes darling. It’s a dreadful thing for a Buddhist. Her energy in the universe gets diminished and she won’t be able to reach any kind of inner peace. Her meditations are almost worthless after that sort of thing” Elegant woman in silver “But her marriage is in trouble. It’s as plain as the nose on your face. Have you met him though. He seemed quite a sweetie to me” Elegant woman in black “(diffidently)“You know I almost married him before I met Tony” Elegant woman in silver “(Shocked) “No really. You kept that under the radar. I had no idea!” Elegant woman in black “Oh yes we had a brief dalliance but to be frank he had a terrible body hair problem” Elegant woman in silver “Ugh I cannot deal with that sort of thing. Poor lamb it must be very difficult for him. Couldn’t he have some sort of laser thingy. He’s certainly got the resources”. Elegant woman in black (very calmly) “Well I did mention it once but he seemed oblivious to the issue. To be honest darling it was like fucking a rug” At this point they both broke down laughing and I was collared by one of the organisers.
BREAKING AND VERY IMPORTANT PHIL RYAN NEWS: WORLD FIRST!!!!!!!!!
As a writer for the past countless years I have written columns like this, plays, film scripts, sitcoms, books, short stories and comedy scripts for stand-up comedians. HOWEVER up until then I had never written a joke. And by this I mean a joke you could tell BUT yesterday as I was walking through John Lewis in Bond St I thought of a complete joke.
At a Medical Centre the Head doctor is at the morning meeting with all the other doctors. He points out all the new Xmas decorations and the tree in the lobby and asks them to thank the receptionist for the festive look. He tells them a guy from the NHS is going to spend time with them today to check on their patient handling skills. He says just co-operate as its part of their yearly inspection. So the first Doctor goes into his cubicle and greets the man who has a clipboard. A patient comes in complaining of a bad knee. The first Doctor examines it and then smiling he says “Oh we’re going to have to give you some special reindeer cream so when Santa’s reindeer comes with your presents you can kneel down and give them a biscuit” The patient laughs and smiles and takes his cream and leaves still smiling. The man with the clipboard tells the Doctor “That was excellent” and he goes into the second Doctors cubicle. The Second doctor greets him and then a patient comes in and says he has a bad neck. The Second Doctor says “Oh well I’m going to give some special Santa Claus neck ointment so you can see Santa’s sled coming when he brings your presents” The patient laughs and smiles and takes his ointment and leaves still smiling. The man with the clipboard tells the second Doctor “That was excellent” and he goes into the third Doctors cubicle. The Third doctor greets him and then a patient comes in and says he has a bit of a rash. The third Doctor tells him to pop behind the curtain and the man with the clipboard hears the Third Doctor behind the curtain say “Yes. I’ll give you some pills. Off you go” And he pulls the curtain back and points the man to the way out. The man with the clipboard nudges the third doctor and gestures to him. The third Doctor sighs heavily and rolls his eyes and then calls out to the departing patient “Hang on” (this part is sung to the tune of ‘It’s beginning to look a lot like Xmas’) and singing he goes “It’s beginning to look a lot like herpes….
YES FOLKS THAT IS THE FIRST JOKE I EVER WROTE Date 24th November 2012 at 5.00pm.

It’s been a busy old week and I’ve had some great opportunities to grab some great material. I attended an event at The British Library this week and got two pieces that made my toes curl in delight. First up however is my overheard telephone snatch of conversation from an uber trendy character. There’s an upstairs seating area at The British Library that seems like Apple Mac land. Everywhere you look there are various skinny jeaned skinny guys in cardigans with those faux big 50’s glasses and silver macs. This particular specimen was lounging in a fancy looking chair nattering into his iphone. “Yah I get the project Simeon it’s just as an app is there a market for finding the nearest depressed looking emo girl”. Wow! I think the jury is still out personally.
Anyway onto this week’s overheard. I was waiting by a bar in a side room that was the reception area for a business networking event. And behind me there were two guys in suits. 1st Suit: It’s the recession. Pure and simple. I mean the punters are not out there waving cash are they?” 2nd Suit: “Well I do think there’s a lot of crap being talked about no-one having any money” 1st Suit: “Yeah you may be right but I tell the market just isn’t there for bouncy castles. Trust me. It’s flat” (seriously he said that and didn’t laugh!) 2nd Suit “Um but surely you just need to diversify (thinks) Couldn’t you offer them to adults. You know at clubs and stuff. I bet everyone would love to have a go (laughs) I know I would. I’m always watching kids thinking I’d like to have a go” 1st Suit: “Yeah we have tried but it’s the insurance angle you see. We did an event three months back and some woman fell face first into this fat guys lap. Apparently he clamped his legs together and trapped her on his crutch and she had to kick and bite him to let her go. Mind you they were both really drunk. But it’s caused a real stink at the company who hired us. They said we were acting irresponsibly (snorts) we weren’t the ones handing out oxygen bottles and vodka shots to all and sundry when they came in! Bastards. Advertising bunch you know the type” 2nd Suit: “Oh getting legal is it?” 1st Suit (glumly) ”Yes the woman and the fat guy are having a go at us” 2nd Suit: “Tricky. I’ll just stick to renting out Elephants. You know what you’re getting when you rent an Elephant. Simple. In and out. Coupla bales of straw and bobs your uncle!”
I was really dying to hear the next bit but someone called out that the event was starting and they stopped talking. Things you learn eh? Elephant rental! I’m calling them next week.

Sorry for the absence but been very tied up with finishing my new book (go look on Amazon books for Kindle as it’s available now) and finally got back out into the world. Have been at various places but was at the American embassy on Tuesday night for election party so as you can imagine I got a great Overheard. But first my best lines this year from a loud phone conversation outside the Dominion theatre on Tottenham Court Road.
‘Wildly brightly dressed African woman in traditional garb’ – “No I am not interested in him he smells of chip fat” listens “You are not listening the man is a rogue and a wastrel Dorothy have you seen his shoes for goodness sake” listens “I don’t care that he is a successful businessman. I could never be affectionate to a person who dislikes kittens and that is an end to it. Please tell him I will pray for his eternal soul even though he will burn in hell” Great huh?
So to American election night. It was quite an event and I had a fantastic time (they had Russell Watson doing a twenty minute karaoke performance to backing tracks. I stood about three feet away watching the poor guy sing brilliantly and movingly to about nine hundred people most of whom seemed unaware of his presence) However around eleven I decided to rest my feet and sat down at the side of the room. Next to me were two very young and very loud American guys in dinner suits. Loud guy 1 “It’s the future man we are looking at the future” Loud guy 2 “Yeah I know. Romney has a vision he’s like oh what’s that little Indian dude Gundy isn’t it. Yeah he’s like deep you know like him, you can see it when he talks. He is our voice in this world.” Loud guy 2 “On the nose my friend on the nose. If that degenerate crook Obama gets in we’ll all be speaking Spanish in ten years you know that dontcha. And I ain’t no hispanco you hear me I am senor el blanco if you follow me you follow me right bro” Loud guy 2 “Too right my friend. My mom reckons she needs an interpreter now when she goes shopping. It’s a goddamn disgrace” Loud guy 1 (temporarily thrown) Uhuh but she lives in New Mexico right? I think Spanish is pretty common out that way isn’t it” Loud guy 2 “Tell me about it. She’s only there cos my sister married that trucking guy. But still speak American is what I say it’s our country goddam it. Just speak American ” Loud guy 1 (recovering) “Yeah I hear that loud and clear. But Jesus but I hope Romney wins (he pauses) but it’s in the bag right” Loud guy 2 “Are you kidding Obama is out of there woo hoo he is toast. Have you seen the polls? Mr Sears reckons it’ll be a rout. Oh yeah. Mitt will save us all you just see bring it on baby bring it on”
God bless America.

Autumn leaves are falling and the parks are looking beautiful. My weekend was taken over by a birthday party and to be honest I hadn’t really got anything I liked for my main story. BUT of course London always delivers. And so I got this waiting in my Dentists waiting room. But first my killer line from a passing phone conversation at London Bridge station.
‘Distinguished looking guy in suit’ “Okay so we’re agreed. She’s a tart and he’s a buffoon. I’ll bring the dips”
Sadly I needed a tooth removed on Monday but whilst waiting outside in the ‘rest area’ as my clinic calls it I saw two twenty something’s. Cool dude and super cool dude. Cool dude “So the web hub starts Wednesday” Super cool dude “Hm. Richies Dad put the money up I hear. His mother’s one of my biggest fans. I told her about my toothache and she had a taxi come round with fennel tea” Cool dude “What a star. I hear she does that new therapy with willow sticks” Super cool dude “No that Simeon’s mother. Richie’s mother uses hot stones and I think they’re from a Mayan temple site” Cool dude “Ooh yeah she sorted out Bella’s cat with them. She’s outrageous. She came to the office and cleared the negative energy” Super cool dude “Cool. It needed it. I had diarrhoea for a week when we first moved in and it just went. And now we’ve got six new clients signed up to our Social networking service and the new servers are going to make a huge difference. Steve has four meetings this week and I’ve got four so we really are making waves. I think we could dominate the twittersphere by Christmas now we’ve got the Indians online” Cool dude “How so?” Super cool dude “Well we give them tons of material and they just keep getting it out there 24 and 7. They’re like robots. They never sleep. We made the Evening Standard and the Times twice last week. Outsourcing is the future of successful business my friend it really is” Cool dude “Yeah but you’ve got that money from your Grandmother so you don’t really need to work do you” Super cool dude “Okay true but I get so bored skiing all the time”
Then I was called into the surgery. It’s another world folks!

.Had a crazy week with lots of calls and arrangements for projects. Had around three chances to get an overheard as I bustled around London. But finally grabbed one in the back end of Holborn. Feeling faint after an incredibly early start I dived into a great café and had a very late breakfast. I sat on a long table and two builders with cropped hair and hi vis jackets sat around three seats away. I seem to be getting a sixth sense as to when I’m going to find a perfect conversation for this column. I wrote the following on my free Metro (on an advert for luxury flats which was conveniently white) But just before I start here’s my brief phone overheard – Outside Baker Street standing next to the Sherlock Holmes statue. Young Tourist taking picture “Hey Jorge move closer to the Bruce Wayne statue its cool eh?” Education is a wonderful thing.

However my breakfast café conversation – the two builders. After having some banter with the waitress the first guy turns back to his colleague – Builder 1: “Yeah the jobs going alright but Debs at the office thinks it’ll run into February at this rate and they’re screaming to get it finished so we can start the Cross rail stuff” (Suddenly his phone rang and he answers in a very friendly way ) “Hang on mate. Yeah. Oh yeah hi Stewart. No the gear under the black tarpaulin is the control switches. For the beam ends. Yeah mate. Put em back in our stores will you. Yeah our stores. Great mate. Really appreciate it. Nice one mate. Thanks a lot. Right bye”. Sharply turns phone off and turns to Builder 2: (His smile instantly vanished and his face was scowling) “I fucking hate him” Builder 2: “Who?” Builder 1: “That Stewart. I fucking hate him the c***. He’s not right I tell you. There’s something wrong about him. Weird. Creepy you know?” Builder 2: (sipping and blowing on his tea) ” Seems alright to me. Good worker” Builder 1: (vehemently) “No mate check him out he’s got a damp mouth and the way he stands sometimes gives me the willies” Builder 2: “Stewart? He’s got a damp mouth? What d’you mean wet? Builder 1: “No not wet worse, damp. Like he’s not alive or sommat. Alien. He could be a serial killer or a kiddy fiddler or something. Trust me” Builder 2: “Nah. He goes to church and that” Builder 1: “Exactly. See. Church. Exactly. Something satanic about him. Church my arse it’s a cover I tell you he is not normal take my word for it. Builder 2: (Laughing) ”He’s always been alright with me. He gave me a mars bar yesterday. Builder1: “Fuck me. You didn’t eat it did you?” Builder 2: (now laughing) “Course I did you silly c***I was fucking starving. Builder 1: “ Well you were lucky there. God knows what could have happened to you. You just be careful. And don’t hang around him on night jobs. I’m telling you. It wouldn’t surprise me if he bit you in the neck. He gets that funny look sometimes. Urgh gives me the fucking willies” Builder 2: “You need help you know that dontcha” Then the other builders phone rang again and then they started talking about Jimmy Saville.
I didn’t learn much but if I ever meet him I’m staying away from that Stewart.

Well autumn is here and it’s probably my last few chances to sit outside and get material. You do see the last few hardy souls bundled up and scarved as they sip there cappuccinos. However this week’s outside offering comes from what I’m hoping will be a new rich source. The Farmers market! So there’s three overheard’s for you this week. Hopefully I’m off to some Museums next week so can hover more and get more in depth stuff. So anyway Farmers Market time!
By the tea van – Yummy Mummy to Fashionista friend: Yummy Mummy: Oscar can’t tolerate gluten at all. Now he’s 12 he’s very sensitive just like his older sister. As a family I think it’s important we educate them both to only eat the right foods that suit them. Fashionista: Oh how sad so he’s allergic is he? Yummy Mummy: Oh no he’s just very particular about what he wants. He’s mad on chorizo sausage and cous cous this week. He won’t eat anything else. Fashionista: Ah so where does he get his Vitamin C from then? Yummy Mummy: Boots.
Whilst browsing a fruit stall – (My favourite) Market trader by van to assistant. Market Trader: It’ll get busier just before lunchtime so just get the bags where you can grab them right? Assistant: Yeah okay so like I said it’s a pound a bowl but 2.50 for three that’s our deal yeah. Market trader: yeah. Assistant: What if they only want two bowls. Market trader: Tell them they’re taking the piss.
There was a demonstration by a guy selling a chopping gadget for the kitchen. At the back where I was were two teenagers seemingly fascinated by the salesman’s patter.
Teenager 1: God look how thin he’s getting those carrots that’s awesome. D’you reckon my mum would like one then: Teenager 2: What for her birthday present: Teenager 1: Hm. I can’t think of anything to get her. Teenagers 2: What’s your Dad got her then? Teenager 1: Uh he’s got her an airbed er some perfume and some candles. Teenager 2: What’s he got her all that for? Teenager 1: Yoga stuff she’s mad for it. She’s a Buddhist now. Teenager 2: So how d’you reckon the kitchen wizard is going to fit into that then? Teenager 1: Doesn’t Buddhism involve vegetables in some way?
I had a really entertaining time and I got some nice food at a good price. But I leave you with an in passing phone conversation. Very trendy looking middle aged man “Of course I love you you stupid fat bitch. Have you got shit for brains?”
Ah love is a many splendoured thing!