Author Archives: Richard Wright

The Wright Wing

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Disclaimer: While this man has an A-Level in Government & Politics (and a degree but it’s in Film so no one really cares) his opinions should essentially be ignored. By everyone. Always. His views are his own and not the opinion of Frost Magazine who like to use logic and reason to form their conclusions. Richard has a natural logic and reason avoidance technique he’s cultivated over the years and now his opinions are largely not worth the air they use to come out of his mouth. Enjoy.

 

Hello. My name is Richard Wright and let’s take a walk with the news.

 

I was talking to a very middle class girl the other day who got a bit upset talking about the colour of the new paint on her bedroom walls….yeah it was totes emulsh!

 

Speaking of bad jokes the Government has announced plans that Obese people on Benefits will have them cut if they refuse exercise. Define exercise please because one of the best ways to lose weight is to walk. And you walk all the time. So are we talking serious exercise? Which isn’t walking while listening to the 1983 Labour Party manifesto. No. That’s very dull exercise. Under the scheme it would be Doctors telling them how to exercise, which I suppose is better then someone who works for the DSS but it’s still not great. The reason this has me quite wound up is I am “technically” obese. I say “technically” I am also obese in reality. I have in the past been obese while claiming benefits. My life right now is changing because i have gallstones so I am on a diet, I am losing weight, at what point could I claim benefits? Is that going to be a dietary goal now? Turn up to weightwatchers and they’ll tell you that you can now claim heating allowance but you’re still a half stone off help with your council tax? I knew there was benefits to working out but this might be taking that idea a little too literally. But hey I’ll take this idea as seriously as Eric Pickles does. Yeah. We all know what I mean by that without having to lower this to the point of Eric Pickles is a tubby tubby man jokes.

 

In other news David Cameron’s attempt to successfully re-boot the Thatcherite franchise of Government seems to be coming into full effect as we are once again at odds with Argentina over the Falklands. Now The Sun, and you know anything can be helped by the addition of the carefully thought out and reasoned approach of The Sun, have weighed in with a rather helpful advertisement in an Argentinean newspaper telling Argentina in a diplomatic and well thought out way to get their “hands off” the Falklands. One of the things Argentina is bringing up in their renewed panties in a twist over the Falklands is a UN Resolution from 1965 saying that we should resolve the dispute. I’m not a diplomatic expert but you might have wanted to have brought that up a bit sooner really. It’s almost as if it’s not really about the UN resolution. It’s almost as if that doesn’t really play a factor and is something to help legitimise their claim. Again, I’m not a diplomatic expert.

 

Just in case it looks like I am only kicking The Conservative Party I am always amazed whenever Nick Clegg decides to “take a stand” on something. It’s like a tiny voiced child shouting from the back of a crowded bar fight that surely fighting isn’t the answer but yet not leaving the bar but handing the people having the bar fight chairs to hit each other with. Being admonished by Nick Clegg is a like when you get told off by a toddler. It’s cute and amusing but you know you can pretty much just ignore it. Nick Clegg has the moral authority of a custard cream. No that’s not quite right. Of a rich tea biscuit. I like custard creams.

 

As for Labour they have said they would offer the long term unemployed, whatever that means, a guaranteed 6 month job if they were in power. That sounds like a great vote winning policy. But wait, don’t go screaming Ed Miliband’s name in passion quite yet. They have also said they could not commit to the scheme if they won the 2015 general election. So this is basically the opposition’s  New Year’s resolution. No one should pay any real notice to it as it would clearly never happen. Just like that gym membership you say you’ll get just in case you loose your job. Apparently this is Labour setting out their idea for what should happen. This is the drunk uncle style of policy making. You know the Uncle who knows exactly how your life should be run. It’s very difficult to take anything Labour do or say seriously as you always get the impression that Ed Miliband is like a temp leader. Like he’s never sure when his contract will be terminated and so therefore isn’t taking the job as seriously as he might do. He also kind of comes across as a work experience leader. As soon as Harriet Harman signs his letter for school he’ll be out of there. Overall I would say the leader of the opposition isn’t really much of a leader but that’s he’s perfect for the current political climate because Labour aren’t really much of an opposition

 

 

That’s it. See you next week when I will be laying out my thoughts for how the story of John Major could be turned into a serious motion picture with Peter Capaldi as John Major, Helena Bonham Carter as Edwina Currie, Rowan Atkinson as John Redwood, Benedict Cumberbatch as Peter Lilley and Stephen Fry as Ken Clarke. More cast details next week. Sadly I wouldn’t be able to use my working title for the John Major film of “Where’s wally?”

 

Disclaimer: He’s rubbish at sticking with these things so you never know you might see him real soon and you might not. Let’s find out.

Edinburgh Festival Preview

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I sit down to write this preview in the full knowledge that my opinion is in no way important. I am therefore one of the more honest reviewers you will find on the internet. I am here to tell you about an awesome show that is coming to Edinburgh this year called “James & Amy: Dysfunctional Legends” and stars the amazing comedic talents of James Loveridge and Amy Howerska. The show will take place at the Jekyll & Hyde, Venue 249, 112 Hanover Street in Edinburgh and the show takes place from 10:35pm to 11:35pm. For tickets you can call the venue on 0131 255 2022. Now let me tell you why you want to see this show.

Let me tell you all about the two fantastic acts that make up this duo of….some amazing word I can’t think of right now. Or Amy…a..zing even. No? Probably for the best. Let’s start with Amy Howerska. I could spend ages telling you about her many competition accomplishments like being a finalist in the 2011 Up The Creek one to watch or a Semi finalist in the Leicester square New Act of the Year or how she won the 2012 award for welsh wizardry. I might have made the last one up. I could tell you how she’s been a promo writer for Law & Order, House and Burn Notice. And no Burn Notice was a real show I didn’t make that one up. Google it. I could quote reviews that say things like ”Charming Welsh live wire” London Is funny or “Witty and intelligent observational humour, beautifully delivered.” Creative Cows Comedy Club or “man she is so awesome her stuff is so clever I really enjoyed that” which was said by…hold on just let me check…that was said by….oh yeah that was me. Amy Howerska is as funny as she is smart and is as smart as she is beautiful and is as beautiful as she is funny. I think I’ve made my point. Now to the second part of duo who is in no way Robin to her Batman. Why would anyone even bring that up? That’s a ridiculous thing to say. James Loveridge is not Robin. I’ll tell you all about him now ok if you can stop labelling him as the sidekick. Good.

James Loveridge is a comedian and because I am lazy I am just going to quote from his comedy CV “In his first year he made the Semi-Final of ‘So You Think You’re Funny?’, won The Comedy Cafe New Act Night on his first attempt as well as beating the King Gong at The Comedy Store in Leicester Square. He is the resident compere of The Lions Den Comedy Club in Piccadilly and his debut Edinburgh show ‘James Loveridge and Other Losers’ was met with excellent reviews.” I would be a terrible journalist/writer, which is what I am but still, if I didn’t quote one of those reviews “James is an animated story teller; an entertainer. His jokes and asides are self-deprecating and sharp, and delivered in such a manner that makes it difficult not to laugh along.” and that review comes from www.edfringereview.com. James Loveridge is a winner, James Loveridge is a man who beat up King Gong and took it’s lunch money, James Loveridge is a man who taught himself how to do a handstand. This is not relevant to his comedy but it is a bit of trivia I know about him. James Loveridge is a name I like to say and a name I like to type. It sounds like the online handle of someone who is way too into Klingons. But that’s not important and I don’t think my private life has anything to do with this.

I should talk about the show now. But I’m not going too. That’s what kind of crazy, maverick previewer I am. I’m just going to tell you to see it. If I talk about it I might spoil it and I do not want to do that. I can say that it rocks like that boat but is in no way rubbish like that film about said boat that was rocking. If you are going to Edinburgh then you must go and see it. However if you are not going to that place at that time then I have another suggestion for you lovely people.

You can see their awesome show in London before it hits Edinburgh. How is this crazy yet amy…a..zing piece of news possible I hear no one ask? Well I will tell no one. You can see it at the Hen & Chicken on Saturday June 16th at 7:30pm. That’s right and it’s only £6. You can’t have any fun in London for £6. No that’s not true you can, you can see this show! You can book now by going to http://www.offwestend.com/index.php/plays/view/7952

I will leave the final words on the matter to laziness and quote the “about Dysfunctional Legends” section from the above link “James Loveridge and Amy Howerska, have tried to be good humans…but have failed- excellently. Join them in their celebration of breathtaking ineptitude, because you too could be a dysfunctional legend!” and if that doesn’t make you want to see this show then you’re not a legend and you never will be.

You can follow James Loveridge on twitter @Loveridge87 and you can follow Amy Howerska on twitter @Howerska.

The Comedy Autopsy Live : You’d have to be dead to miss it!

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You wish you had something to do on Wednesday the 23rd of May from 7PM to 9:45pm? Well that’s Interesting. And you wish it cost £4? This is getting a bit spooky now. Don’t tell me you wish it could be of a comedic nature? You do wish it could be of a comedic nature? Ok let’s try one more check: You wish it was in Peckham? This is freaky. The Comedy Autopsy Live is a comedy event happening in Peckham at The Last Refuge, it starts at 7PM and ends before 10PM and, even better, costs just £4. This is meant to be.

The Comedy Autopsy Live is a live stand up comedy event which incorporates elements of podcasting to enhance the experience and give the event a unique flavour. This is comedy version 2.0 if you will allow us such over confidence. We take the comedy out of the pub and put it in a chilled environment that will scream “comedy unplugged”. We can promise that if you come along we will make jokes go into your ear-holes that will make laughter come out of your mouth-hole. It will make you laugh. And that’s all comedy is.

Why start a comedy night man London like totally is crawling with comedy nights? Yes that’s a good point not real person. The reason is simple: I want too. What you want more? Is that not a bold enough statement of mission? Fine I actually do have one of those. It can be tough for emerging comedians (people starting out) to get longer sets to develop their skills. That’s where we come in. This isn’t open mic, nor is it for the comedic elite to try out new material. And by comedic elite I mean they get paid. No the comedians who will appear on The Comedy Autopsy Live are ones that the good people at Comedy Autopsy HQ find funny because we’ve seen them and they have made us chuckle till we buckled. Every act that appears is a 100% guarantee laugh out loud….comedian. Sorry thought there was something better coming but I went with the obvious.

But if you want a specific reason to come along then I have one or two for you. For a start Amy Howerska and James Loveridge will be previewing their Edinburgh Festival show for us. That’s right an Edinburgh Festival preview makes us sound and feel like a proper comedy night. The second reason is that we have Sarah Callaghan. Sarah is a very talented comedian who while not only a graduate of the prestigious Second City improv comedy group in Chicago has also appeared on Coach trip. And we here at The Comedy Autopsy are not sure which we are more jealous of.

So May 23rd. The Last Refuge. Peckham. A night of awesome live comedy. Only £4. It would be great to see you there. I’d appreciate it and so would the performers. £4.Got to be worth a shot.

PS: While it’s not in a pub you will still be able to buy alcohol. In case you were wondering.

Why you should enter The Lions Den by Richard Wright

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Tuesday nights aren’t exactly the most rocking night of the week. You don’t ever go “man it’s Tuesday that’s fantastic”. But I have something that might change that for you. I come to you with a proposal. I offer you an evening of fun for only £4. I present to you The Lions Den Comedy Car Crash. Held every Tuesday night at Bar Rumba this comedy night provides a great night of stand up in central London for a very reasonable price. This is where I started out and it is a very friendly night for first timers. Let me tell you more.

 

The Lions Den Comedy Car Crash is an open mic night where you will always get the chance to see comedians taking their first baby steps into the world of Comedy. And that’s not all. You are guaranteed a great MC and a mix of acts with variety of experience. You need to know more? Well, umm, they now have comfy chairs which when you are seeing potentially 25-30 acts is something that matters. The downstairs venue at Bar Rumba provides a nice backdrop for the comedy and there are deals on drinks ordered before 8pm.

 

There are some great reasons to come to the Lions Den. Supporting emerging stand up comedy is encouraging and seeing the future of comedy today. I love playing the Lions Den because it is ran well by good people who care. It is a great, friendly atmosphere and worth every penny of the £4 and more but it’s only £4.

 

So to wrap this up – good MC, acts that are honing their skills, brand new acts taking their first steps and all for the price of £4. You should get down and check it out.

 

Find The Lions Den Comedy Car Crash every Tuesday from 7:00pm at 36 Shaftesbury Avenue, London, W1D, 7EP.

Richard Wright is On Tanget

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As the great Willie Nelson once told us “on the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again”. That man spoke a lot of sense in that song but he also smoked a lot of cannabis apparently, so take anything he says with a slight pinch of salt. I know I do. Why am I quoting him? This makes no sense. Which would be fine if I was high but I don’t smoke weed. So anyway the confusion is back at Frost Magazine. For those of you who don’t know, cause let’s face it as Staind said; it has, in fact, been a while, I used to write a lot of nonsense on various things right here at Frost Magazine. And now due an underwhelming lack of public interest in those articles I am back to do some more. No need to thank me I know you didn’t ask me too. So let’s get down do it and do something America can’t do and raise the ceiling! That joke works better if it’s raise the roof but it’s not called the Debt Roof. If it was then the debt roof really is on fire. The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. Anywho….

Let me introduce this little idea of mine. It’s called “on tangent” and basically I like to wander aimlessly wherever my mind takes me at that moment. There is never a moment when I can truly stay on topic. For example writing this now I have had to avoid slipping into a few lines on the topic chocolate bar. You see I will never be on topic and don’t go looking for a topic because there’s isn’t one. However I can promise that I can stay on tangent. There is to the best of my knowledge no chocolate bar called tangent. There is one in Sweden called Plop but none called Tangent. Plop is actually quite a tasty bit of confectionary. You see my issue. So here I present the first ever on tangent – I’ll keep these brief there is only so long you can read them before they become intolerable.

I thought we could start with something deep. The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. Unless, of course, you’re a surgeon in which case that’s just not true at all. What I would like to talk with you about today is something that I believe is an important topic that deserves deep consideration. Why does Alexander Armstrong look quite so much like a Toby Jug? That’s not it but it just struck me, and I felt I should share.

Admittedly saying that was a tad pointless. Oh yes that’s right he shoots and he scores. Thank you thank you no need to applaud. I do quite like that quiz though it’s quite a good tea time watch. I wouldn’t mind going on pointless because I wouldn’t win and it would be pointless. I think we can all see the circularity in that. It would be the purest form of the quiz and I would have embraced the totality of the nature of naming the quiz pointless. Because my being on the show would be pointless and therefore that would surely make the lords of quiz naming happy. Although I have a feeling the name was initially rejected as the title for a Katie Price reality show. Or even just as the tagline to her life. I mean that would be a more honest title for one of those shows. Speaking of honest advertising here is a few potential company slogans if the companies involved decided to be a bit more honest about themselves:

1.We’re not ethical but you knew that – NewsCorp
2.We do terrible things but aren’t your trainers comfortable? – Nike
3.Evil vs tasty? Tasty wins – Nestle
4. Want to look like you care without trying too hard? Cadburys Dairy Milk
5. At this point we could probably sell you anything – Apple
6. Come on you don’t even watch Panorama – Primark
7.You don’t really understand it but everyone is else is doing it – Twitter

Speaking of advertising one of the adverts I saw for the new Alpha Romeo Mito made me angrily confused. Now car adverts is one of the places were rhetoric and the use of over the top language is common place and I can accept that for what it is. A ford focus won’t give you more focus. But this? Sorry Alpha this is lying! It runs on Adrenaline? It clearly won’t that’s so over the top stupid I can’t wrap my head around who said that was OK! It’s beyond my tiny mind and maybe that’s why I don’t understand it. But as the weeks role by here at Frost Magazine you’ll soon discover there are many things I don’t understand. And that’s ok. There is nothing wrong with saying I don’t understand. Nick Clegg says it every day when he looks in the mirror. And I can help Nick it’s called standing by your beliefs. Talk to Paddy Ashdown about it he might be able to help you out. You remember him right Nick?

So that’s all for this particular peculiar but always molecular edition of On tangent. I am aware that last sentence makes about as much sense as going to Lycos to do a search for Google but, you know, when you’re the type of person who does go to Lycos and type in Google you run with whatever you can think of. When I went to Lycos and typed in Google I just wanted it to link to a picture of a dog crying with the text “why do you mock me like this? It’s not right. You know where Google is. Why do you have to remind me things aren’t as good as we planned? I hate Google!” Thanks for reading until next time please occasionally use Lycos it will make its little tail wag.

PS – If Lycos had become the world powerhouse instead of Google would the popular phrase for doing an internet search have been “fetching”? It would have been better then “dogging it”

The Look from the left: GORDON! Back in a flash to save every lefty one of us!

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A Look from the Left at the muddle in the middle by Richard Wright

Week 2: GORDON! Back in a flash to save every lefty one of us!

This week the commons saw the return of Gordon Brown to public life. Oh how we have missed thee. And just in time for the upcoming release of the final Shrek film on DVD and Blu-Ray. Former PM Brown used his speech to support the two aircraft carriers and if there is anyone who knows about taking over a sinking ship its Gordon. I’ve missed Gordon I really have. Sure he looks like a living toby jug and has, roughly speaking, the same personality as one. But you knew where you stood with Gordon. He wasn’t a horrible political clone. He was unique. There will never be another Prime Minister like him. Half of me is saddened by that but sadly that half is being drowned about by the party that’s going on in my other half. As it always has been Gordon stands defeated by show over substance. And no, that’s not a fat joke.

But Mr Ed if you are reading this, and you’re not, Gordon may have a broken leg politically speaking but that’s no reason to put him down. Did you the like the horse metaphor? And the Mr Ed thing? That was intentional. That’s right I’m a classy writer. For this writers money Gordon can still be very useful. The coalition government is lacking a little experience and that could well play into Labours hands in the long run. Well lacking experience if you don’t count Teresa May who is old as Medusa and similar looking into the bargain. And there goes the class out of the window. Also the truthfulness of the piece because as an A-level political student she was the closest thing I could find to attractive at Westminster. But at the time I thought Nicola Sturgeon wasn’t bad looking so I question my sanity there a little. This was all in 1999 and that was quite some time ago. I might be sliding off topic slightly. Back on point: Gordon Brown – party statesman. The Ken Clarke of the Labour Party if you will. Only far less annoying and pointless.

The problem was Gordon Brown is fundamentally unlikeable. However as a Labour Party elder statesman, a background player, a consultant he could be very useful indeed. The man was in the two most important positions in British Political life and that has to count for something. Much like Ole Gunnar Solskjaer was a super sub for Man Utd so Gordon could play a blinder from the back bench. He could create a role for himself that augments and strengthens Labours agenda. After last week’s spending review the Labour Party has taken a lead over the Government in two separate polls. Now I am a massive sceptic when it comes to polling data as the only real poll that matters is a general election. And Labour is, to be fair, a good way off winning one of those. However polls do help shape public perception at least a little and this in encouraging for Mr Ed. The joy for Mr Ed is that because Gordon was such a failure as Prime Minister he really doesn’t have to do that much to look impressive. Basically look like he has a pulse and the battle is half won. But that should also lessen the intimidation factor. Yes Mr Ed I get it, you want to create a new Labour to replace New Labour but Gordon was never New Labour so why not make him a part of your new Labour. It’s getting complicated again.

I think Gordon Brown would be excellent as some kind of Party Chairman, something akin to the way they work in America only with less power. A Howard Dean for the Labour Party. Gordon if you’re reading this, and you’re not, then your party needs you still. I know it’s like watching your girlfriend making out with another bloke but forget it Gordon she left you. Leave it she’s not worth it Gordon she was never the right one for you. And that’s not actually a bad analogy. Gordon Brown and being leader of the Labour Party was like a relationship that was destined to never work. It’s the girl you long for, the girl you wish was yours and when it finally happens it’s not the way it should have been. It’s like Ross and Rachel on Friends.

The public waited a long time for them to get it together and the public waited a long time for Gordon Brown to be PM. But imagine if you had waited all that time on Ross Gellar and Rachel Greene kissing and then after the kiss Ross developed erectile dysfunction and Rachel decided she was really a nun. This happened to Gordon. Sort of. I hope you get what I am trying to say with this cause I’m not even sure I do. Gordon the relationship is over. You’ve moved on, she’s moved on and we’ve moved on. But Gordon there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s called political experience. You might lack any gravitas, emotional or charismatic authority and you may look an awful lot like Shrek but you can still play a role. Mr Ed is going to need all the help he can get and I’m sorry but Harriet Harman, Ed Balls and the grumpy old umpire of the front bench aren’t gonna be enough. Gordon – your party needs you. Sort of. You can indeed save everyone one of us. Sort of.