Category Archives: DONOVAN

Dear Donovan {DONOVAN}

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Dear Donovan

Who was your first kiss and what was her name

Darren, Ipswich

Well, Darren Ipswich, if that is infact your real name, and not one of the editors taking pity on the fact no one askes me questions anymore and have written the most pathetic Miss Magazine style question aimed at the likes of Chico and the Eyebrow-With-Legs from Busted!

I will humor you, girls and answer it anyway

A girl called Jenny, I was 4 she was 6…We tongued each other in the school yard at my primary school. Ill be honest she was minging.

Looking back there were at least three others who were better looking playing hopscotch.

Happy??

Expected more of an answer?….Well tough.

I would like to bring to your attention the fact there were Siamese twins in my primary school!…should have really gone for one of ’em! Practically a threesome!

Fact- an upside to being a Siamese twin is that you never have to worry over who’s gonna be your partner on school trips.

That’s me done.

Off to watch the three amigos.

DONOVAN

Bored DONOVAN want's your questions {Dear DONOVAN}

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Look guys, this is what happens if no one sends DONOVAN any questions…poor thing. He’s going spare worrying because you’re all worrying instead of sending him your problems. Let’s humour him and pretend we’re listening.

Been bored out of my skull, ’cause no fuckers been asking me questions!….Jesus! even resorted to formspring but still no1 likes me ! Cant think why?

Bloody racists.

Wouldn’t it be if you swapped the toy in a happy meal for a bum plug and lube! Then watch the parents face when the child pulls it out! Then the parent screams at you YOU EXPECT MY CHILD TO PLAY WITH THIS?!!

….not funny? Fuck you… I pissed myself when Mcdonalds sacked me! Then in protest stuck a chip up my ‘japs eye’!…It burned but was worth it to see their faces.

I have come up with a new game; I bought a Triangle from a music shop. I sit on the seat directly behind the drivers wall and ‘ting’ it randomly…so it stops and no one gets off so there is an awkward pause b4 the doors close…then do it again, he sees nothing flash up to say the bell has been pressed and gradually thinks hes hearing things and going mad…but he has to stop in case the light that flashes to indicate isn’t working!! Doors always open no matter how many times you do it cause he can’t take the risk in case it is someone wanting to stop

……..anyway, this is my theory. I haven’t tried it yet…but I will.

Also Getting into a taxi and telling them to drop you off literally a few doors up from your house! You hand the standard taxi charge of 1 pound 20 or whatever it is and say sorry, my mate needs a taxi hell be out now (so you gain his trust again and interest) you walk out of sight behind a wall etc or even walk through the door if neighbors willing to be a part in your childish scheme! then put on a false moustache and remove a jacket or top over top and get in car…same thing again and again…and the winner is who out of your friends gets the furthest and how many stops you make…down side will be you’d still be out of pocket!

Up side is you could just do it with friends waiting at the houses to swap over…why not have the next person and so forth getting more and more bizarrely dressed? and at the end have the last person dressed as a chicken or pantomime dame?

as I said I’ve been very bored!! ask me questions dick heads!! (he loves you really)

Email the Frost and they will pass it on to me verbally as I don’t trust emails!

DONOVAN

by Stefan Pejic

My Story [DONOVAN]

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Dear DONOVAN

What made you decide to be a comedian and where was your worst ever gig

Danny Cardiff

Hi Danny,

I started when I was 10! I was a very angry child and needed a source to vent that anger. I used to deliver TVs with my granddad’s friend but there was interference. So I stumbled along a working mens club in Swansea called ‘Penlan Anti-Social Club‘.

Every Wednesday I would perform 10 mins of shouting at the audience…and they loved it. Once they put me on as headliner to a racist ventriloquist and his pet duck Dingo McNeil.

I finally got enough cash to rent a small flat across the road which I shared it with my girlfriend at the time; A pole dancer called Crystal Cleavage. I was 12.

My big break didn’t come till I was 16 I went to watch Bobby Davro at the Grand Theatre Swansea. Half way through the first half his left leg suddenly fell off, the audience had no idea he was an amputee! He had kept it from the lime light all those years. He was too embarrassed to go back on, so, sensing a stampede of angry fans about to occur I ran onto the stage and started singing the theme from the Andrew LLoyd Webber musical Whistle Down the Wind. The audience stopped in amazement, they sat back down in cannon, I had them in the palm of my hand…Davro winked at me from the wings and said “your doing good kid” I shouted back “Fuck off you one legged liar” Davro became my mentor we toured together…him in the shadows keeping out of the public eye and me getting the laughs. But In 2007 I got a phone call “I’m leaving you….I have been approached by Eastenders” He said nervously.

I told him he Was a C*NT!! and If he took it I never wanted to see him or his stump again…he took it. ….where is he now eh? Crying somewhere that’s where.

There is my story, who cares what you think.

DONOVAN

Well, I'm back!! [DONOVAN]

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No questions and answers, just an article to explain my absence and tell you I am now back ‘safe and sound’…not that you piss flaps cared!

Right basically, I got so depressed listening to your questions that I turned to alcohol and poppers. Then I found myself walking up the M4 at 2:15 on a Thursday morning crying out for my cat who hadn’t returned home for the last 2 nights! To make matters worse I removed her collar to use as strap for a broken watch I found; It was my nieces birthday and she likes pink!

I knew she was probably fox-meat by then so carried on walking…I saw police lights flash in the distance…with that, a truck’s horn bellowed! I dived out of the way (so I thought!) but in the confusion (and the fact my glasses were in my pocket) I jumped straight into the road!! The truck stopped literally an inch away from me I could feel a dying fly’s wings on the bonnet tickle my chin. A man yelled out of the window!! I opened his door and challenged his careless driving. I told him the story of my cat and niece’s birthday, Naturally touched and humbled at my selfless story he offered me a lift! I said “Just take me somewhere that has a bargain booze”…

To cut a long story short I woke up in Holland! Darren Egg (the long distance Truck driver) who later let me call him “Eggy Darren” (privet joke)  let my live in the back of his truck. He brought me food and booze. What a top bloke! I can safely say I spent the best days of my life living in the back of that truck. We got stopped once! ’cause I wasn’t seeking asylum in the stereotypical kinda way (well I wasn’t actually full stop!) Darren (Eggy) Eggy Darren told one Dutch guy with a badge and fantastic moustache that I was his malnourished brother on work experience! He bought it! Despite Eggy (Darren) Eggy Darren spoke with a French accent and I did my best Irish!

Anyway! I’m back now, Darren Is here for another 2 days staying at mine (not in a gay way)

Send me your Questions …sorry Problems…nah screw it lets change this! QUESTIONS! anything you like.

I look forward to reading them and replying. Honestly.

DONOVAN

and

Darren (Eggy) Eggy Darren

Dear DONOVAN; Well…that wasn't predictable at all

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He won’t go away; DONOVAN. The unforgiving, cynical, potty mouthed “agony uncle”. We tried to sack him in the wake of the D*nny Dy*r Zoo Column scandal but when we brought the matter up with DONOVAN he threated to break our hearts. Apparently he got the idea from a certain advice column.

** Disclaimer: The views, colourful language and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author’s and do not reflect the opinion policy or position of Frostmagazine.com **


Dear DONOVAN

What’s the meaning of life?

Dan, Swansea

Oh hahaha…that was funny wasn’t it boys and girls?

You probably assumed it was most likely gonna be a one line answer both witty and blunt, or that it would have made me roll my eyes and ignore it but no! As I have a fairly good idea who this “Dan” is from my home town Swansea I shall treat you the same as every Frost reader… with a slightly personal and spitefully childish sting!

You aren’t entitled to that knowledge as God (or any denomination-specific deity – Ed) and everyone else think your a complete and utter waste of sperm. You stink of beef and have not only patronising eyebrows, but arrogant skin!

Possibly the kind of person who I assume Picasso was; dyslexic and painted by numbers! To say you had the social skills of an Aardvark adopted buy a family of dung beetles would be disrespectful to both the Aardvark, dung beetle’s mother and woodlice stepfather!

The meaning of life is a circle…you have no proof to prove me wrong.

Get a grip on life and let the realisation kick in that I don’t want your friendship. If you have to pester someone to be friends and stalk them, buy them gifts etc…it’s only fine if your a Blond 19 year old girl with huge breasts! You’re not.

So to just to clarify and sum up.

(For you) the meaning of life mean….

A broken condom.

oooooh I went there.

Blue is the new…Blue!

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Here we go again; DONOVAN. The unforgiving, cynical, potty mouthed agony uncle. How he knows so much about blue rinses is a mystery. Only one unfortunate biddy knows.

** Disclaimer: The views, colourful language and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Frostmagazine.com **

Dear DONOVAN

What ever happened to the Blue rinse?

Danny, Reading

The real question is why did it start in the first place?

Wikipedia says:

“A blue rinse is a dilute hair dye used to reduce the yellowed (or translucent, showing scalp colour) appearance of greying hair on older women.”

DONOVAN says:

It came about because some daft cow did it as a bet and her mates got jealous of the attention she was getting down at the bingo.

Or a group of G.i.l.f.s where playing truth or dare at an old peoples home high on Calpol!

It doesn’t matter if its Blue, Purple or Pink, you’re still aware that
she had gray hair down below!

Who wants to look like a Toad wearing a ball sack balaclava which has just freed its head from a candyfloss machine?!

I love how… the Blue rinse died out just Emo kids came on the scene!

These days every other 13yo girl has Blue or Pink hair, I think this may be something to do with the Daleks and their plan to take over the world buy brain washing us all to look like the cast of X men the last stand..

gotta love Emos….their parents obviously didn’t.

LONG LIVE BLUE HAIR!

Dear DONOVAN: The Price of Shame

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Oh fer-… ; DONOVAN. The unforgiving, cynical, potty mouthed agony uncle. How he knows so much about reality TV is anyones guess, well I s’pose they say it IS a breeding ground for hate.

** Disclaimer: The views, colourful language and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Frostmagazine.com **

DEAR DONOVAN

What ever happened to Fame Academy one hit wonder David Sneddon?

Karen, Colchester

Urrm we all realised he was utter shit? I actually bought a copy of his (one and only single) for each of my sisters. I have one sister. And I hate her!

The TRUTH of the matter is that he was aborted from the womb of showbusiness faster than you can say Leon Jackson….I am now smirking at the thought of you googling Leon Jackson:

You voted for them both to WIN, people!!!!!… unless we want to blame it on phone scams? Really?

Anyway, I digress, but just one example of the problems with David Sneddon was that he pretended to be Scottish to win the Celtic vote! In hindsight and with the right guys behind him (unintentional gay reference) he could have used it as a gimmick for marketing and advertising … just like fellow “Scott” Michelle Mcmanus who sponsored Angus burgers!

Even series 1 X Factor winner Steve (feeble Will Young impressionist) Brookstien is now touring in a musical written by Madness! He’s not silly he had his career plan sewn up from his first audition!

And Shane (I did my falsetto in Swansea and ended up in a hospital ward!) Is now touring in the Adult Theatre adaptation of classic fairy tales playing the role of Crumpled Foreskin.

The only thing David Sneddon had in common with Pop Idols such as Robbie Williams, Ronan Keating and dare I say Ricky Martin around that time was HE HAD FUCKING EYEBROWS on his face!! that’s not strictly true, he had other qualities such as 2 arms 2 legs and a mouth etc! but still a complete and utter Wank seed.

You get a Donovan mug and my sister’s copy of “Living a Lie” David Sneddon’s shitty single.

God have mercy on your soul!

Dear DONOVAN: Am I a sinner or a winner?

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Here he is again; DONOVAN. The unforgiving, cynical, potty mouthed agony uncle. No one knows why he doesn’t like humanity, maybe someone sneezed pure evil on him as a child.

** Disclaimer: The views, colourful language and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Frostmagazine.com **

Dear DONOVAN,

My boyfriend and I haven’t even kissed because we want to be pure, but we talk dirty online. Is what were doing a sin?

Kelly, Bridgend

First of all Kelly, I have to stress that I refused to reply to this message twice! But because the only other question I got sent this week was “How far is too far?” which nearly gave me a stroke out of sheer anger at the individual who sent! it, and the fact that if I didn’t have a ‘Dear DONOVAN’ published this week I wouldn’t get paid! I had no choice. (Lol, who’s paying you?! Can they pay me too? – Editor)

So to answer your question you absolute Ganja flap!! (Is that some sort of oat and syrup based space cake? – Editor)

Yes it is a Sin being a C*CK TEASE! You are a disgrace to all women everywhere.

Cut it out now little Miss fridged!

He is probably cheating on you now, anyway. I don’t blame the boy to be honest.

You shall not receive a DONOVAN mug. Instead you get a T-shirt saying “Not even Jesus made me come”.

If your over 16 and completely clean, send me your MSN add.

PS

Pull any of that crap with me and ill find you. B*tch!