Somedays I feel like this.
I don’t know who the artist is so can’t credit them properly but found this one on ffffound.
Category Archives: The Columns
Help Find Eric {Misc-uity}
Hello Kitty…Sir {Ceri's Column}
Raaaaaaaaaawr!
Sorry…
Lions scare the crap out of me but I must admit they seem to have quite a lot of things going for them. They look pretty damn cool, they kick Wildebeest and Thompson’s Gazelle ass and most of all they are known as “King of the Beasts”…fair play.
However, they have HILARIOUS balls. Really the most comical testicles I’ve ever seen. They have slightly pale, furry and not hairy and perfectly spherical bollocks. It’s a real blow to their tough cat image. I suppose it’s like seeing a thuggish football hooligan with…perfectly spherical bollocks. I really had trouble with that analogy half way through…
As if this naturally occurring drag wasn’t enough, many live in captivity or on nature reserves. How does that add to their image crisis I hear you (or assume you will) say? Well it isn’t some embarrassment at being incarcerated or studied or “protected” without their say so…they’re animals, they do not have this capacity. It’s the names that some are given. Bakele, Topi and Khali are all names that make me think “Yes. That’s the kind of name a lion should have”. Tin-tin, Scruffy and Mr. Tickle are pretty bad but animals all over the globe get them. It’s the normal names that really get me chuckling.
I have no problem with the name Jimmy. It’s a fine name. But the dominant male of a blood-thirsty and brutal Pride that prowls about the Serengeti?
King Jimmy? Jimmy the Springbok killer? Nah. I’d rather be called King Snuggles.
Plus Tigers are cooler anyway.
(Editor says “yes, tigers are cool, I’m not saying Lion bits arn’t serious but to give this article more gravitas here’s a link to a charity“)
Hand Drawn Map of London – Avoid the wrong part of town {Misc-uity}
Artist Stephen Walter’s hand drawn map of London entitled ‘The Island’ “satirises the London-centric view of the English capital and its commuter towns as independent from the rest of the country.”
Go and have a look…zoom in and around. It’s as addictive as Google Street View.
Find the map here, on the British Library Site.
+44 (0)20 7743 4131
The Inept Girl's Guide to Cooking. Smoked Salmon Pasta.
I spent quite a while wondering what I should cook for my next column. In the end I decided to go with…what was in my fridge. What was in my fridge was a mismatch of food that didn’t really go together. I decided to be both creative and brave. This is what happened.
What I found in my fridge to make Smoked Salmon pasta with Brie: Two onions, 75g of smoked salmon, 100g of brie, two good handfuls of fresh pasta and a generous amount of olive oil. About two tablespoons.
Main: Cut some onions up and fry them. I actually hate chopping onions. It really does hurt my eyes but I find chopping them underwater helps. Put on the fresh pasta and cook for two minutes ( or according to the guidelines) salt the pasta. After the pasta is done drain it and add a generous amount of olive oil. Cut up some brie and salmon. Add it to the pot with the onions. Stir it all together.
Dessert: Raspberries with cream. Super simple. Put the raspberries in the bowl, add cream. Grate some chocolate and put that on top. Tastes delicious
The verdict: Well, I surpassed myself. Smoked salmon pasta with brie. It tasted amazing. The only complaint I had was that I did not cook enough. So with new-found confidence I am preparing for my next column.
Dr. Who? {Ceri's Column}
I’m all addicted and confused. My addiction is to a certain bottled narcotic called “Dr. Pepper”. My confusion is…see… what in the hell is Dr. Pepper anyway?
I’ve thought; for years and years; that it was Cherry Coke’s rival. Pepsi vs. Coke, Tango vs. Orangina, 7up vs. Sprite and of course Lilt vs…Well, Dr. Pepper vs. Cherry Coke was another carbonated beverage based rivalry. Apparently I’m wrong. Dr. Pepper is technically classed as a “pepper-flavoured” drink. (Technically = Wikipedia verified) Pepper. Um…what? Now I’m no bald-headed glasses warer from Master Chef, but I know what pepper tastes like. It tastes like fucking pepper. DOCTOR pepper tastes like a slightly sweeter cherry cola. Am I wrong?
CEO W.W. Clements once said: “I’ve always maintained you cannot tell anyone what Dr Pepper tastes like because it’s so different. It’s not an apple, it’s not an orange, it’s not a strawberry, it’s not a root beer, and it’s not even a cola. It’s a different kind of drink with a unique taste all its own.”
Nope. It’s cherry. Fuck! Plus, it was patented in 1885 by…yes you guessed it…Charles Alderton. Oh, sorry gentle reader, were you expecting someone else? A certain medical practitioner with a rather spice-racky surname? SO, WHO THE FUCK IS DOCTOR PEPPER? There is much conjecture on the matter of the name, (is it from “pepsin”, or any number of quack-physicians that carry the name Pepper etc.) and I know I should just shut up and enjoy the drink but…Why not call it something else? Please? For my sanity
Blue is the new…Blue!
Here we go again; DONOVAN. The unforgiving, cynical, potty mouthed agony uncle. How he knows so much about blue rinses is a mystery. Only one unfortunate biddy knows.
** Disclaimer: The views, colourful language and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Frostmagazine.com **
Dear DONOVAN
What ever happened to the Blue rinse?
Danny, Reading
The real question is why did it start in the first place?
Wikipedia says:
“A blue rinse is a dilute hair dye used to reduce the yellowed (or translucent, showing scalp colour) appearance of greying hair on older women.”
DONOVAN says:
It came about because some daft cow did it as a bet and her mates got jealous of the attention she was getting down at the bingo.
Or a group of G.i.l.f.s where playing truth or dare at an old peoples home high on Calpol!
It doesn’t matter if its Blue, Purple or Pink, you’re still aware that
she had gray hair down below!
Who wants to look like a Toad wearing a ball sack balaclava which has just freed its head from a candyfloss machine?!
I love how… the Blue rinse died out just Emo kids came on the scene!
These days every other 13yo girl has Blue or Pink hair, I think this may be something to do with the Daleks and their plan to take over the world buy brain washing us all to look like the cast of X men the last stand..
gotta love Emos….their parents obviously didn’t.
LONG LIVE BLUE HAIR!
Hounded by the Insane {Ceri's Column}
People shout at me. It’s OK; usually they’re nice. Sometimes they aren’t. Once in a blue moon, they’re just plain odd. I need to know why! It bugs me how some folk just have no command of their wits, decide it’s a good idea to shout at a stranger and then do not seem to think “hang on, I’m a fucking nutter!”
These are some things I have had shouted at me over the last year or so:
- Oi! Chipper. (Not a clue what this means.)
- Hey, Cube! (Uh…square? is that what you’re getting at?)
- Get off the road you Twazack. (Twat + wazack – Twazack? Plus…I wasn’t on the road…)
- Oi mate, where’s your fanny? (This was called out as I bit into a choc ice)
- Blondie (!!!!)
- Oi, you! Postman Pat! (I don’t wear a uniform, I am not a postman, I don’t drive a van, and I don’t have a black and white cat or wear glasses. What the FUCK?)
- You look like a jute (vegetable fibre-string?)
What makes people shout random shit at strangers? I think we, (or social anthropologists…or at the very least some students) should conduct some kind of research into this…
Troubling. Very troubling.