Category Archives: The Columns

The Inept Girl's Guide to Cooking. Catherine Balavage learns how to cook….

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I have been spoilt. This is, obviously, not a complaint. Just an observation. My entire life I have been surrounded by good cooks. Most of my childhood memories are of dinner time. My parents also loved to bake. I was raised on wholesome, delicious, home cooking.

As a child I could bake fairy cakes and sponge cakes. Do a mean lasagne or spag bol. I sat in the kitchen with my family and partook in the wonderful, bonding thing that is cooking.

However, in recent years this has all changed. I live a busy London life and I rarely cook from scratch. If I do I lack imagination. Always falling on the dishes I have been doing for years. I have now decided that this will not do. I will learn to cook. I will have a large variety of dishes at my disposal. I will be a domestic goddess. I will get someone to taste the food each week to give their opinion. This is the first article in my journey.

Sunday April 25th 2010.

I decide to start easy: spaghetti bolognese! I am good at this. I have been doing it for years. I don’t want my confidence knocked straight away. And I fail…. James brings the ingredients around and I have a heart attack because MY MAC WON’T WORK! How can I write a column without a computer? Luckily I know someone who knows someone who has amazing IT skills. I unpack the food and pour some wine. I switch my computer on and put it on the freezer and I watch, happy and amazed, as Ewan ( Currently my favourite person in the world ) remotely fixes my computer from Scotland. I even talk to Ewan through textedit.

While Ewan does his impressive fix up of my Mac I give some onions a chop. I pour some mince in a pot and, erm, James does the rest. I have fallen into my old habits. I do, however, have a good reason this time. I will not lie. I did some stirring and I drank some wine, and nothing else. I am aware this is not a good start….

An hour and a half later we have cooked and ate:

Starter: Insalate caprese. Buffalo Mozzarella, basil, tomato drizzled with olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

Main: Spaghetti bolognese.

Brown mince, chop onions and fry, boil some tomatoes and then peel. Put all ingredients in one pot. Optional, but you can add some buffalo mozzarella. Cook spaghetti and Put that in too. You have a very good and easy to make dish.

This is actually different from how I usually make it. Probably because I didn’t. I add tomatoes puree,tinned chopped tomatoes, onions, mushrooms and garlic. I brown the mince and then add the ingredients. I cook pasta separately.

Verdict: The food is amazing. You can never go wrong with Italian. I give it 10/10. The only Spaghetti bolognese I have tasted that I like more than the ones my parents make. Check back next week for my next column. Where I will actually cook.

The other good result? My Mac now works perfectly.

Dear DONOVAN: The Price of Shame

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Oh fer-… ; DONOVAN. The unforgiving, cynical, potty mouthed agony uncle. How he knows so much about reality TV is anyones guess, well I s’pose they say it IS a breeding ground for hate.

** Disclaimer: The views, colourful language and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Frostmagazine.com **

DEAR DONOVAN

What ever happened to Fame Academy one hit wonder David Sneddon?

Karen, Colchester

Urrm we all realised he was utter shit? I actually bought a copy of his (one and only single) for each of my sisters. I have one sister. And I hate her!

The TRUTH of the matter is that he was aborted from the womb of showbusiness faster than you can say Leon Jackson….I am now smirking at the thought of you googling Leon Jackson:

You voted for them both to WIN, people!!!!!… unless we want to blame it on phone scams? Really?

Anyway, I digress, but just one example of the problems with David Sneddon was that he pretended to be Scottish to win the Celtic vote! In hindsight and with the right guys behind him (unintentional gay reference) he could have used it as a gimmick for marketing and advertising … just like fellow “Scott” Michelle Mcmanus who sponsored Angus burgers!

Even series 1 X Factor winner Steve (feeble Will Young impressionist) Brookstien is now touring in a musical written by Madness! He’s not silly he had his career plan sewn up from his first audition!

And Shane (I did my falsetto in Swansea and ended up in a hospital ward!) Is now touring in the Adult Theatre adaptation of classic fairy tales playing the role of Crumpled Foreskin.

The only thing David Sneddon had in common with Pop Idols such as Robbie Williams, Ronan Keating and dare I say Ricky Martin around that time was HE HAD FUCKING EYEBROWS on his face!! that’s not strictly true, he had other qualities such as 2 arms 2 legs and a mouth etc! but still a complete and utter Wank seed.

You get a Donovan mug and my sister’s copy of “Living a Lie” David Sneddon’s shitty single.

God have mercy on your soul!

Not so Hidden Gems part Deux: The Fattening {Ceri's Column}

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Please don’t kill me with sticks but I have to say…AMERICAN CANDY KICKS ASS!

There I said it. Happy? No? Don’t believe me? NO? Well, first off, how frigging dare you. Second off, it bloody is. The chocolate bar most associated with US confectionary is Hershey’s. Now I will admit, a plain, as you are, milk chocolate, regular, no fries Hershey bar tastes like sub-Aldi own brand. Almost gone off. Most Dairy Milk competitors from the States just taste like balls…as in, not nice. K? Right…

But when it comes to other bars and chocs, sadly for all you Union Jack wavers, they rule. Compare a Peanut Butter Twix to a lunch box friendly British one-finger. No contest. I’ll be singing the Star Spangled Banner next! Peanut butter M&M’s rock my mouth off too! How do I know this?

CYBERCANDY.

Next door to Snog Frozen Yogurt (the wondrous place I wrote about in “Not so Hidden Gems”) in Covent Garden, there is a sweet shop like no other. Or rather, a sweet shop like they must have in other countries whose chocolates they stock…so, what I want to tell you is Cybercandy stocks and sells sweets from around the globe. Sorry, I’ll learn to write some day.

American chocs are mainly peanut or peanut butter based, Canadian stuff is usually bigger version of British stuff, Japan has a real taste for Apple, New Zealand is crazy for marshmallow, Sweden loves liquorice and Mexico can fuck right off with its crappy salty offerings. Bleurgh!

It isn’t just chocolates they have, Oooooh no sir! Gums, Chews, Taffy, Root beers, giant Japanese Mountain Dew, other American sodas, Quagmire from Family Guy themed Energy Drink (I shit you not!),pop tarts, American cereals like Lucky Charms, Dairy milk bars from other countries, Japanese Ramune Soda and all sorts of edible bugs, astronaut foods and flavoured toothpicks and TWINKIES!

This place is like Heaven. Proper no-foolin’ Heaven!

You shop with heart-shaped buckets that fill-up waaaay too easily. The shop itself is tiny and always jammed with people going “Aaaaah! I saw this on The Sopranos!” or “Duuude! I used to get this all the time at home, man…yee haaa!” (An American ex-pat, y’see!)

My highlights are:

–          Japanese Kit Kats; They are tiny and come in a variety of crazy flavours like Bubblegum, Ginger ale (lush) and Sweet Potato!

–          Butterfinger bars from the USA: Peanut butter flavoured brittle encased in chocolate. Devine.

–          Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts – Droooooooool.

The only note I’d give this place is: GET SOME AMERICAN POTATO CHIPS! American Doritos, Fritos, Cheetos and any other crisps not necessarily ending in “os”!

Apart from that. Go there. Now. Get diabetes, I don’t care! It’s worth it. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

The 10 WORST lyrics in the Popesphere {Ceri's Column}

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In no particular order:

  • The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony – “But I’m here in my mode, no, no, no.” – Love the song with all my heart but my god! They did have a serious tendency to write utterly bizarre lyrics. Seriously…what do you mean by your “mode”?
  • Sam Sparro – Black and Gold – “And the apes climbed down from the trees
    and grew tall and they started talking” – Why the fuck would getting taller help them to start talking? Shut up Sparro, you penis.
  • Nizlopi – JCB – The whole bloody song – Also a contender for worst band name too, Nizlopi’s seriously crap lyrics could actually have been written by a six year old. If ANYONE retorts: “that’s the point”, I won’t be amused. Utter dross. I mean, “And we’re holding up the bypass, oh-oh, me and my dad having top-laughs”? Really? Lordy.
  • Keisha – P Diddy – “Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy” – What?
  • Louis Armstrong – Wonderful World – “I see friends shaking hands, saying “how do you do”, what their really saying, is I love you.” – Who doesn’t love this song? I mean, I do! However, the thought of two “friends” greeting each other while repressing feelings of adoration makes me think: “what a bastard fate can be”. All a bit Remains of the Day for my liking.
  • Elvis – All shook up – “Her lips are like a volcano that’s hot” – Huge? Spewing lava? Stopping all Europe’s flights for weeks? Elvis, why are you with this woman?
  • Snap – Rhythm is a Dancer – “I’m as serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer” – WHAT? You are as serious as cancer (“serious” as in the gravity of having the illness, I think?) when you state that rhythm, “movement marked by fluctuating conditions” (thanks Wikipedia) is actually a dancer, and not the widely accepted definition? Well…you’re just a twat then really.
  • The Socialist Republic of Vietnam– Their national anthem, Doan Quan Viet – “Soldiers of Vietnam, we go forward, With the one will to save our Fatherland. Our hurried steps are sounding on the long and arduous road. Our flag, red with the blood of victory, bears the spirit of our country. The distant rumbling of the guns mingles with our marching song. The path to glory passes over the bodies of our foes. Overcoming all hardships, together we build our resistance bases. Ceaselessly for the people’s cause we struggle, Hastening to the battle field! Forward! All together advancing!” – Sheesh, chill out!
  • Elton John – Your song – “If I was a sculptor, but then again, no” – after you write a shit line, you can re-draft. “If I was a fisherman, no hang on, a scientist. No! Wait…if I was the Emperor of the World! Yeah, that would be cool” was the original opening line to Candle in the Wind.
  • Anything by Oasis. Trust me; those lyrics are all just tosh. What the fuck is a “Wonderwall”?

If Ceri had a band… {Ceri's Column}

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Well I’ll tell you one thing. My band would have a shitty name.

I’m just not the kind of person who can reel off a catchy group moniker. I just don’t seem to have the…knack. I mean, titles for stories, my lil’ TV scripts, character names, even bloody baby names for Christ’s sake (spell-check MADE me capitalize Christ…see, they did it again….). Band names? Nope.

So on the night of our 1st gig at some trendy bar in <insert name of wanky suburb of some in-vogue town/city>, we’d probably have the set list memorized, each of our costumes would be matching, I’d even have little inter-song audience banter bits sussed. But our name? Still missing, I’d imagine.

I’m rather partial to a bit of “extreme” music, (or metal to you norms), and I firmly believe that metal band names reign supreme. Some of the coolest are…

  • Agoraphobic Nosebleed – Cool
  • Pig Destroyer – COOL
  • Prong – simple yet COOL
  • Gay for Johnny Depp – Um… (*Author’s note* aren’t we all…a little…no? I’ll shut up then…)
  • Old Man Gloom – quirky and carries a sense of foreboding
  • Killing Joke – Just yes. Yes. Thank you. What a name. Icicle cool.

I wouldn’t stand a bloody chance! My band would limp on with a name like “The Jolly Rodgers” or “Wittgenstein’s Shame” or “We are on Stage!”…something ball-crunchingly crap or pretentious or nonsensical.

Probably why I don’t have a band, really…that and not being able to play an instrument. Or carry a tune. Or know anyone else who can do either who isn’t already in a band…

I’m a bit deflated now. I’ll just drink some beers and watch Edward Scissorhands. Oh, I mean…

Nah. Edward Scissorhands.

I'm a Sega Mega Drive, and being AWESOME was my idea! {Ceri's Column}

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They really don’t make video game systems like this anymore! Sure, games these days are flashier, more expensive, have better graphics, cooler music and snappy writing and have more storyline-based sexiness blah blah blah…but I can’t help but feel…I LOVED THE SEGA MEGA DRIVE MORE.

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is all very well and good but I don’t feel like I’m “playing” anymore. The Sega was like…a toy…you remember…fun? Escapism?

Most of my school mates circa 1995 were still playing the pantsy little SNES. Seriously, this console makes Hello Kitty look positively mantacular. I was too busy fighting Doctor Robotnik as my speedy blue hedgehog alter ego to care about the mushroom killing exploits of a beer-bellied Italian plumber.

The one all-conquering ultra game that proves beyond all possible argument that the Mega Drive roolz (yes I spelled it like that, fucking deal with it you square):

Toejam and Earl!

For you unenlightened few who are yet to bask in the glory –

In 1991 Johnson Voorsanger Productions made a game about two space alien rappers who crash land on earth. In this 3D roving, birthday present collecting, elevator finding, wise cracking super-game, 1 or 2 players control either red three-legged Toejam or Hawaiian short-wearing slightly obese Big Earl. You walk about the randomly generated worlds trying to recover bits of your broken spaceship. On the way you encounter troublesome Earthlings like the lil’ devils, hula girls, phantom ice cream trucks and marauding bands of tomato-cannon firing chickens.

YES! It is this insane. YES! It is that good! Get on eBay and buy it. Seriously now. Buy a Sega Mega Drive to play it on as well…I probably should have mentioned that first… You can get the console for £30 or thereabouts and Toejam and Earl (the 1st one, the sequal was wank) for a few quid, but they probably cost much less on eBay!

This game is the bollocks! I guarantee that within 5 minutes of playing it you’ll be quoting it for years. I have…

God I need a life…JAMMIN’!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33iYLYRMLSk

Octopus steals a camera {Misc-uity}

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A New Zealand diver went filming one day and ended up chasing a cheeky octpopus for 5 minuted as it swam off with his camera.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5DyBkYKqnM

Dear DONOVAN: Am I a sinner or a winner?

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Here he is again; DONOVAN. The unforgiving, cynical, potty mouthed agony uncle. No one knows why he doesn’t like humanity, maybe someone sneezed pure evil on him as a child.

** Disclaimer: The views, colourful language and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Frostmagazine.com **

Dear DONOVAN,

My boyfriend and I haven’t even kissed because we want to be pure, but we talk dirty online. Is what were doing a sin?

Kelly, Bridgend

First of all Kelly, I have to stress that I refused to reply to this message twice! But because the only other question I got sent this week was “How far is too far?” which nearly gave me a stroke out of sheer anger at the individual who sent! it, and the fact that if I didn’t have a ‘Dear DONOVAN’ published this week I wouldn’t get paid! I had no choice. (Lol, who’s paying you?! Can they pay me too? – Editor)

So to answer your question you absolute Ganja flap!! (Is that some sort of oat and syrup based space cake? – Editor)

Yes it is a Sin being a C*CK TEASE! You are a disgrace to all women everywhere.

Cut it out now little Miss fridged!

He is probably cheating on you now, anyway. I don’t blame the boy to be honest.

You shall not receive a DONOVAN mug. Instead you get a T-shirt saying “Not even Jesus made me come”.

If your over 16 and completely clean, send me your MSN add.

PS

Pull any of that crap with me and ill find you. B*tch!