Londoners Life 12 – by Phil Ryan

Sunshine. At last. And another London phenomenon is with us. The lovely weather in London always brings out the open top sports cars. And I mean the crazy and ludicrous supercars of Top Gear fame. And to me many of the more overpriced models are slightly baffling given the actual legal and realistic speed of traffic in London. Take the Edgeware Road as a classic example. Seemingly endless rows of Ferraris and Lamborghinis have now instantly appeared driven by various 20 something’s who actually look about 12 (possibly family money or just a generous paper round?) But wait for it they are now out and driving about. At around 10 miles per hour. What’s the point? Why drive a 200 mile per hour supercar in London at 10 miles per hour? The other night my friends and I were sitting outside a restaurant in Camden in a small side street. Suddenly the building virtually shook. And there we saw a bright red open top Ferrari crawling along at the top of the road. It noisily scraped agonisingly over the road humps only to speed past us with a sonic boom of engine roar followed by a brake squeal as it reached the next road hump twenty feet up the road. Very London. It was both awful but fascinating to watch. One of my colleagues commented that it would be great fun when they finally reached the motorway and they could really drive. And I replied yes at a heady 70 miles per hour just like everyone else! Hm not sure about the point of them, but I suppose they are keeping our petrol stations open. I figured that the Camden Ferrari was achieving a respectable ten miles to the gallon – which meant they’d clearly figured out their route carefully based on where the next petrol station was presumably. Wild eh?

And talking of wildlife and pests. The urban foxes are now out in force in London I see but mainly hear sadly. All the local bins get ripped open regularly now and I’m hearing weird squealing noises in the middle of the night. Although I have got some newly married Italian neighbours so I guess it could be them? Recently I saw one on the roof of a Kebab shop in Holloway as I drove past! (not my Italian neighbours a fox) Clearly they really will eat anything. And they really are quite fearless now as I see them sitting next to cars waiting for them to drive off. And now the arguments begin. Are they pests or are they lovely wildlife? Tricky one this. I’m all for nature but I’m starting to come down on the pest side. I’ll admit they do look cute but they’re a bit nasty to cats and rabbits. Plus in my street they regularly rip open bins and drag rubbish everywhere (just like the bin men but without the hi vis vests) I think Walt Disney has a lot to answer for here. Foxes are not cute! They carry diseases and crap everywhere (again a bit like the local bin men but I digress) And talking of Disney it’s the holiday hordes arrival time. Disney Breaks, Legoland all the commercial days out are putting what I call Recession offers out there. But London seems resolutely overpriced for families. The ticket costs at Madame Tussauds, The London Eye and The Tower of London all seem more like attempts to buy them! Upwards of a hundred and thirty pounds per family for half a day out. Whoah. I thought the recession was bringing prices down. But the tourists seem to be coping. Visit London seem to be saying numbers are up this year. There’s lots to do for free now the sunshine is out I’ll freely admit though.

And currently one of my favourite but potentially free terrible London phenomena is now springing up everywhere. Of course I mean the roving street musicians. If you eat out in St Christopher’s place nowadays roving bands of accordionists are suddenly smilingly but subtly now regularly harassing the diners. They have the look of banditry about them – I don’t know why. I think it’s the slicked back hair and leather bomber jackets they all seem to wear plus that cartoon blue stubble. They travel in packs of four (like condoms but less welcome) and seem to target any couple crazy enough to hold hands in front of them. I saw one couple the other day get treated to a surreal version of Pyscho Killer! And to my amazement this was followed up with a jaunty but off key version of Elvis Presley’s Wooden Heart complete with incorrect lyrics screamed by a small sweaty fat man who looked constipated. But the couple cracked and I saw a few pounds tumble into the outstretched hat as they nervously smiled at the crooks. Don’t get me wrong I love outside music as it can really lift you up.

I pause however to point out the odd case of the elderly blind guy who plays the violin who has now taken up his usual spot outside Debenhams in Oxford Street. He’s been there for years. He’s like one of those traditional figures on those clocks. He appears as soon as the sunshine appears. But he’s terrible. You would have thought given the years he’s been at it he could at least knock out a recognisable tune but no he can’t. Instead he saws away at the violin making it sound like its being assaulted with a cat on crystal meth. Hm. I’m trying to work out the braille for get some lessons so I can stick a note in his hand but I suppose that’s just me being mean and uncharitable. I always drop some change in his hat honestly. And I’ve recently added the word DEAF to his sign saying he’s blind (well he can’t see it can he) I figure it will help his PR profile.

However my favourite player is this dread locked saxophone player in Leicester Square. He always plays late at night. And I always drop money into his case. He’s like a very cool personal soundtrack. Gorgeous notes soaring about you as you make your way home. It’s like being in a movie. And you are the main character!

So the sunshine is here to stay for the time being and London instantly adapts to it as always. We move outside to eat and drink. And despite the stupid cars, the foxes, the tourists, the burger guys and the summer drunks and now the X factor like invasion of our public spaces – do we mind it all (plus the awful versions of Oasis and The Killers we are now being hit with on a daily basis) Of course not. It’s a London thing.