“I would wet myself in fear”: Mum reveals terrifying abusive childhood and vows to ‘end shouting’

Shouting is still controversial, but recent studies show the impact of shouting at children can be ‘just as harmful as hitting them’
abusive, childhood, shouting, www.LETSTOPSHOUTING.com, , anxiety, end shouting, shouting

After becoming a parent, qualified therapist Yasmin Shaheen-Jaffar decided it was finally time to break the “historical pattern” of abuse she had suffered as a child, rendering her “anxiety-ridden” in adulthood.

“Shouting can trigger violence. I was shouted at a lot as a child and it often turned into physical abuse. This made me grow up into quite a nervous adult, and also avoidant of conflict which has brought a whole host of issues I’ve had to overcome”.

Children suffering from verbal and physical abuse often develop a low self-esteem and self-image, and a negative worldview. But the consequences aren’t all psychological.

“This is really embarrassing to admit, but when I was shouted at as a child I would be so frightened that I would wet myself. This just caused me even more shame and made me feel like I couldn’t tell anyone. The fear paralysed me”.

When Yasmin became a parent herself, she felt it was important to stop shouting and instead foster a “healthy communicative relationship” with her child so that the pattern would never be repeated again. This decision was reinforced further when she suffered a personal loss.

“Someone very close to me committed suicide a few years ago. It made me realise within all that shouting that so often happens in everyday life – the real issues get buried. I think quite often the shouting ends up being a distraction”.

After committing herself to ending shouting and encouraging “healthy ways to have difficult conversations”, Yasmin launched World Let’s Stop Shouting Day in an effort to share her experience with parents on the effects shouting can have on their children.

“Children model their behaviour on the people around them. It’s not always easy, but if you don’t want your child to turn to shouting as a way of communicating, and everything that comes with it, you need to change your own behaviour first. It can feel impossible at times, but with some work it can be done”.

ABOUT WORLD LET’S STOP SHOUTING DAY

The World Let’s Stop Shouting awareness day’s focus is to open the conversation about the impact of aggressive and angry communication on our relationships and physical and mental health. Shouting, as a form of verbal abuse, can often be a trigger for more violent crimes and there should be greater encouragement for healthy debate.

More info here: www.LETSTOPSHOUTING.com

Anxiety and Modern Identity

Anxiety and the pressures of modern life seem to go hand-in-hand, with many describing the crippling condition as a ‘21st century epidemic’.  Author Steven Romain is no stranger to anxiety and has drawn upon his own experiences of the illness for his new literary novel, True-Life Walter, which features a central character who takes radical action to rid himself of anxiety, and by so doing also finds himself freed for the first time from the oppressive burden of social expectation.  

By Steven Romain

Caption: Author Steven Romain believes that anxiety is deeply connected to the confining expectations thrust upon us in the 21st century. Copyright Steven Romain 2019

The only people whose ideas about anxiety should be listened to are those who actually experience it. Like a wild dog, anxiety has a particular nature, conducts itself in specific ways, and is even characterised by unusually acute powers. A wild dog hears the heartbeats of a herd of springbok from a hundred metres away and selects the buck with the weakest heartbeat as his target. They have a ninety percent success rate as hunters. 

The complication with being human is that the definition of success eludes our grasp. If those walking around the world with anxiety are impaired in certain ways, and we may safely say they are, they are also gifted with special powers like artistic sensitivity; a highly suggestive imagination; and empathy. In addition, the fact of living with the condition for many years fosters wonderful species of fortitude and bravery. It is impossible for a non-sufferer to know what I mean, but it is a fact that simply getting up in the morning and dressing is, for many people, a great achievement. It’s very much like escaping from the captivity of a sadistic bandit.

The anxiety-sufferer wrestles with his angel from the moment he wakes up in the morning till the moment he falls asleep at night. To me, (especially since I am one of the club), it’s clear that this battle forges a person’s personality to a tremendous degree. And this brings us back to the question of defining a successful hunt for human beings. Who among us is living a successful life? 

Caption: Author Steven Romain, an ordained rabbi, draws strength from his faith to make sense of an increasingly chaotic and superficial world. Copyright Steven Romain 2019

Many might point to the socially adjusted, the financially successful, the intelligent, or the famous. All these I would characterize as effective in some way. I, for my part, see something wrong with this view. Look around you at the world: stars, galaxies, electrons, insects, fire, water, ice, elephants—not to mention dreams, visions and spirits. This is a world which is marvelously complex and mystical, held to together inexplicably by The Holy One. And the crown of it is man, but what was he put here for? To become something, to know his Creator, in my opinion, but the point I wish to make is that G-d didn’t make this wonderfully interconnected world so that there should be people sitting at coffee-shops punching buttons on phones. This can be a pleasant pastime and I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I do think the question of ‘What was I put here to do?’ should be one that is considered in relation to our actual lives and not just pondered theoretically. Effective people can’t be the point of the whole world, for the reason that their effectivity only solves problems, and the Creator did not make the world to solve a problem, since He has none.

If you agree with me that dressing in the morning might be a genuine achievement, you probably also agree with me that succeeding in school, university, socially, romantically, or spiritually do not necessarily make for real achievement. Just a little bit of thought suffices to prove this. Each one of the items on this list is naturally easy for thousands of people, making for little challenge, and for thousands of others an apparent success in one of these areas would really be a failure. Take, for example, someone whose life circumstances are such that academic achievement is inappropriate for him. He has a pressing need to earn money. His graduation seals a four-year-long (and costly) wrong choice. 

A man is a very mysterious thing. Take a fresh look at him: what is he? He is made, in the sense that his powers and faculties are determined by his Creator, but he also makes himself. A very awkward man I know chose, in his youth, to devote himself to a kind of social work that entails mingling closely with tens of teenagers every day. Now, after years of habituation, no one could ever imagine him as anything else. It is what he is. And it came about purely from his choice. Plus, we all know that after the little dance we do on this earth we’ll be sailing away to a totally different place. The question that I’m proposing should at least seem like a question is: what is the dance I should do while I’m still here? The question should be asked again and again, day after day, because many of the answers we give might be straight-out wrong. There’s no point in just following everyone else’s answers: that would be like frantically neatening up an office the whole day, vacuuming and straightening and polishing, when the whole building is set for demolition.

A man like me wakes up this morning and faces the familiar forms of his anxiety, like an old enemy standing over his bed, waiting for him. Who is to say what it means—in this fantastically mysterious world—that he manages to put on his shirt, his pants, his shoes, drink a cup of coffee and drive to the supermarket? Maybe, as a result, it will rain on farms in Kenya. Maybe, when he leaves this world in his old age, the angels will tell him that the dance he did down here was just perfect: the heavenly hosts were cheering him on for every move. And maybe a man who is sentimentally eulogized as the greatest benefactor of mankind in his generation, a lifelong philanthropist, is told by the angels, on his departure from this world, that his life was a dismal failure. A totally different dance was expected of him.

Caption: Steven Romain’s new literary novel True-Life Walter features a central character suffering from extreme anxiety. His actions to free himself from the condition, and what follows, elucidate the deeper meanings of identity and purpose in post-Apartheid South African society. Copyright Steven Romain 2019

The relationship between anxiety and the crisis of identity in our age, in which many of us are divorced, for certain reasons, from our real purpose, is too complex to deal with in a short article. Like everything in G-d’s world, anxiety is not only one thing. The Divine wisdom manifests through it in many different ways. But it is worth noting that, through anxiety, we disable our own lives in their futile rush toward vain ends. We are forced to re-evaluate what we are and what we want to be. 

In my novel, True-Life Walter, I explore modern anxiety by depicting it in the setting of modern Johannesburg, where, for men of colour like my protagonist, new identity is built every day. New lives are lived in newly discovered social and economic statuses. New possibilities of achievement dawn all the time: identities shift and change. As does any writer who strives for real art, I strive to render the suchness of anxiety in modern life without reducing it to easy tropes and explanations. In this way, literature has a unique power in assisting our understanding of anxiety, which is, at this point, an issue we need to take strides toward, not so much comprehending, as appreciating.

True-Life Walter by Steven Romain is available on Amazon priced £3.47 in paperback and £2.46 as an eBook.

World Autism Awareness Week: New film shows how autistic people feel socially isolated

autism, ASDTo mark World Autism Awareness Week, The National Autistic Society (NAS) have released a powerful new film ‘Diverted’.

The film follows Saskia, an autistic actor, as she experiences sensory sensitivities and unexpected changes to her train journey – changes which can trigger anxiety and even cause people to feel as though they can’t travel. Alongside the film, NAS have released new statistics which demonstrate the everyday challenges some autistic people face, including that 75% of autistic people say that unexpected changes, like train diversions, make them feel socially isolated.

‘Diverted’ forms part of NAS’s Too Much Information campaign which encourages the public to find out more about autism. Please watch it and learn more about the struggles of autistic people.

The Anxiety Journal Book Review

theanxietyjournal

Anxiety is on the rise. In fact, according to mentalhealth.org.uk, in 2013 there were 8.2 million cases of anxiety in the UK. There has been an explosion in how many anxiety books are published and magazines are full of articles on anxiety and how to cope. In 2017 the House of Commons guidelines state that the maximum waiting time for NHS mental health services should be 18 weeks. It would be fair to say we have an epidemic on our hands.

The good thing about this is the normalisation of anxiety. It is easy to think you are alone when you have a health problem, but anxiety is normal and it is possible to get help. Not only from the NHS, but also from the plethora of books and articles on the subject. The Anxiety Journal is such a book. Full of great techniques and information, I was mightily impressed. The journal goes through every aspect of anxiety: what you may be feeling, symptoms, the different types of anxiety, self-care, triggers, quotes, exercises to help, CBT and how to leave the anxiety mindset behind amongst other things. It has a great resource list and beautiful illustrations by Marcia Mihotich. This is a great journal which is essential for anyone suffering from anxiety.

 

While some forms of anxiety are natural, even helpful, anxiety disorders can lead you into a spiral of stress and worry, and interfere with your everyday life.

Practical, supportive and uplifting, this is a journal for anyone who struggles with anxiety, whether in the form of phobias, social anxiety, generalized anxiety (GAD) or day-to-day worrying. Beautifully illustrated by Marcia Mihotich, The Anxiety Journal by Corinne Sweet encourages you to use CBT techniques and mindfulness exercises to help you better understand your anxiety and help you to achieve peace and calm.

Whether you’re awake at 4am unable to turn off those racing thoughts, or struggling to get yourself together before a presentation, The Anxiety Journal will help to soothe stress and reduce worry, identify negative thought-cycles, and provide you with techniques to combat anxiety wherever you are.

 The Anxiety Journal is available here.

 

End The Stigma Of Mental Health With #itaffectsme

endstigmaofmentalhealth

I am always on the lookout for amazing things, and what could be more amazing than ending the stigma of mental illness? Laura Darrall has created a social media campaign for mental health awareness called #itaffectsme. It is a great campaign and I hope you can get behind it. Here is what Laura has to say: #itaffectsme is going globally viral with the aim of ending the stigma that surrounds mental health and to get Mental Health Education onto the school curriculum. It has celebrities like Tony Gardner and Antonia Laura Thomas already backing it and has reached America, Pakistan, Australia, Canada, Holland and Italy.

We need to get Mental Health Education on the curriculum to give our children a future where they too are unafraid to speak out and ask for help. We teach sex education, physical education so why not Mental Health Education. We teach them the symptoms of chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhoea, so why not OCD, depression and anxiety? 1 in 4 people suffer from mental illness that is 25% of the world’s population. It is staggering and we need to arm our children with knowledge, with compassion and build a world for them where the word “stigma” is extinct.

The idea for #itaffectsme first came to me after I came out the other side of a mental breakdown, six months of panic attacks, anxiety, OCD and depression. I was sat on the edge of my bed and for the first time in months I felt clarity of thought and a fire in my belly and I knew that I had to use it to make a change, to make people unafraid to speak out and to put an end to stigma. But I had no idea how, so I said a prayer, looked over at my desk, spotted the post-its and then it was like a light bulb switched on in my brain, a real Eureka moment, and it has snowballed from there.

I am so overwhelmed and thrilled with the response. If I can get just one person who is suffering to speak out and ask for help then it is worth every single tear I ever shed last year.

If anyone is suffering and is too afraid to speak out, I would say this: Take it ten seconds at a time and do not fear. Help is out there and only by talking and sharing can we find it. And you will come out the other side. You don’t know who else you may help by sharing your own sufferings and surely the one good thing that can come out of suffering is to help someone else when they experience it too. If we share our mental illnesses with people, they can be strong for us when we cannot. And people want to help, they want to hold your hand if you give them the chance. So do, talk to them and give them that chance.

If I could say one thing to my pre-treatment self it would be, “This is temporary”. Because when you are in the pits of mental illness, in a panic attack, an OCD spike, a black hole of depression, it feels like it will never end. But it will, and if you speak out and seek help you will find tools to help you combat it if and when it returns. I know that one day I may find myself attacked by mental illness again but I know that when and if that day comes I will be ready for it, fully armoured and unafraid.
itaffectsme

To take part just take a selfie with a post-it note on the forehead with #itaffectsme written on it, upload it to social media with the link to the Mind donation page, donate and then share.

#itaffectsme is simply the statement the mental illness affects every single one of us, whether directly or indirectly and the selfie is to put faces to it, to stop people being embarrassed or afraid to ask for help. Mental illness has no prejudices about who it affects so we should have no prejudices about it.

www.itaffectsme.co.uk

 

Overcoming Anxiety: Reassuring ways to break free from stress and worry and lead a calmer life By Gill Hasson

Overcoming Anxiety- Reassuring ways to break free from stress and worry and lead a calmer life By Gill Hasson

Anxiety is on the rise and even those lucky enough not to have anxiety will tend to worry. This book is great. It is all inclusive, it covers the aspects of anxiety to help you understand your own anxiety and anxiety in general. Part two then allows you to manage your anxiety. It gives you the tools to change the way you think, use mindfulness to help, use solution-based problem solving and boost your confidence. It even gives advice on finding help and support from other people. I found this book fascinating. I liked how it tells you to write down your anxieties and find recurring anxieties and then tackle them head on. I also loved the advice of surrounding yourself with ‘radiators’, people who spread warmth and positivity. Rather than drains who only take away energy and resources. There are brilliant tools and advice that really works.  In my opinion, this book is essential for anyone with anxiety.

 

New book explains how to identify and manage anxiety

 

Anxiety is recognised as one of the most prevalent mental health problems in the UK, with financial issues, welfare of family members, work stress and fear of unemployment some of the most common contributing factors.

 

For those who experience occasional anxiety or have a diagnosable disorder, Overcoming Anxiety is a new book that provides practical strategies and techniques to help manage or overcome worries and concerns.

 

Written by bestselling personal development author Gill Hasson, the book begins by explaining what anxiety is and how it can present itself, including panic attacks, phobias, OCD & IBS. It goes on to explain how readers can manage both the cognitive and physical aspects of anxiety and identify activities they can do to help them switch off from worrying.

 

Overcoming Anxiety highlights the importance of reaching out and connecting with other people, outlining what family and friends can do to help. Hasson stresses the significance of having positive people around,  explaining that “how other people respond to you can make quite a difference to how you feel about yourself- to your confidence, self-esteem and your ability to manage anxious thoughts and feelings.”

 

Throughout the book, there are quotes and examples from people who have experienced anxiety. Plus, exercises, activities, tips, strategies and techniques for readers to try.

 

What is crucial is that you learn and develop a range of techniques and strategies that work for you” writes Hasson“and keep at it.”

 

About the author:

Gill Hasson is the author of the international bestsellers Mindfulness: Be mindful. Live in the moment , How To Deal With Difficult People: Smart Tactics for Overcoming the Problem People in Your Life and Emotional Intelligence: Managing emotions to make a positive impact on your life and career.

 

She is a teacher, trainer and writer. She has 20 years’ experience in the area of personal development. Her expertise is in the areas of confidence and self-esteem, communication skills, assertiveness and resilience.

 

Gill delivers teaching and training for educational organisations, voluntary and business organisations and the public sector.

 

Gill’s particular interest and motivation is in helping people to realize their potential, to live their best life!

 

Overcoming Anxiety: Reassuring Ways to Break Free from Stress and Worry and Lead a Calmer Life

 

 

Feel Good: How To Change Your Mood And Cope With Whatever Comes Your Way

feel good

By Dr Shane Pascoe & Dr Graham Law

Published by Capstone, February 2014

Paperback, £10.99

 

 

If you are feeling down, overwhelmed, stressed or depressed then this book takes two of the ‘it’ therapies of the moment- Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy- and combines them to get you back on your feet and keep you there.

It is easy to read and apply thanks to its invaluable post-it technique and lay out. It also has an entire chapter on relaxing and the stuff on confirmation bias is very interesting. The book is like you are being talked to and supported by a friendly, intelligent and concise friend.

The book is actually fun and enjoyable to read, surprising considering its subject matter. It has a unique combination of science and psychology which really works. It also has exercises and is practical and accessible.

A very good and helpful book.

Feel Good: How to Change Your Mood and Cope with Whatever Comes Your Way

Mood can affect every aspect of life, from performance at work to personal relationships. Being able to take control of moods, rather than have moods control them, is something all the most successful people have in common.

In their new book, authors Dr Shane Pascoe and Dr Graham Law combine techniques from two powerful, complementary therapeutic approaches – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Mindfulness – to help readers keep their spirits and confidence high and instil a more upbeat, positive, can-do attitude, come what may.

Packed with practical information on how to start feeling happier and more positive about life, and optimise how you deal with people and situations in life and at work, this expert guide to beating stress and anxiety is designed for quick reference, letting readers access practical information relevant to how they are feeling at that moment.

Individual chapters cover areas including anger, self-efficacy, distress, unhappiness, well-being and happiness, self-esteem, leading a balanced lifestyle and relaxation techniques. The book finishes by discussing “Where to go from here?”.

 

For those that are feeling overwhelmed, overstressed, or just plain down about life, Feel Good is a practical, inspirational guide to help manage moods, improve outlook and beat stress and anxiety.

 

Feel Good: How to Change Your Mood and Cope with Whatever Comes Your Way

Win A Copy Of How To Keep Calm And Carry On

Keep calm and carry on bookFrost Magazine has teamed up with Pearson — the world’s leading education publisher — to give away copies of essential new self-help guide, How to Keep Calm and Carry On.

The new step-by-step book reveals simple and inspiring ways to realise a happier, worry-free life and make anxiety a thing of the past.

Co-authors Professor Daniel Freeman, Professor of Clinical Psychology at Oxford University, and psychology writer Jason Freeman — dubbed the UK’s “Worry Tzars” — call upon the latest cutting- edge clinical research and proven-to-work techniques to put the ‘How To’ into the world-famous “Keep Calm” mantra, offering friendly guidance, exercises and motivating ‘quick wins’.

Refreshingly and reassuringly, How to Keep Calm and Carry On is science-based without being technical and contains no jargon or scary psychobabble across its 12 fascinating chapters. Instead, the book provides an effortlessly accessible manual to feeling more calm, composed and centred. By following the Freeman Brothers’ advice, readers can build a realistic and highly-practical programme to keep fears in check and anxieties under control.

We have five copies of How to Keep Calm and Carry On: Inspiring Ways to Worry Less and Live a Happier Life by Daniel and Jason Freeman (Pearson, RRP £10.99) to give away. For your chance to win, follow @Frostmag on Twitter and Tweet, “I want to win How to Keep Calm and Carry On with @Frostmag” or like us on Facebook. Alternatively, sign up to our newsletter.

Our review of How To Keep Calm And Carry On is here.