Tag Archives: Column

Russell Brand Says We Shouldn’t Vote. Is He Right?

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In this weeks New Statesman Russell Brand edits and rights a lengthy piece. Yes, that Russell Brand. He says he did it because a beautiful woman asked him (That would be Jemima Khan, his rumoured girlfriend). For his theme he chose revolution  ‘because the New Statesman is a political magazine and imagining the overthrow of the current political system is the only way I can be enthused about politics.’ He goes on to say;

 

When people talk about politics within the existing Westminster framework I feel a dull thud in my stomach and my eyes involuntarily glaze. Like when I’m conversing and the subject changes from me and moves on to another topic. I try to remain engaged but behind my eyes I am adrift in immediate nostalgia; “How happy I was earlier in this chat,” I instantly think.

I have never voted. Like most people I am utterly disenchanted by politics. Like most people I regard politicians as frauds and liars and the current political system as nothing more than a bureaucratic means for furthering the augmentation and advantages of economic elites. Billy Connolly said: “Don’t vote, it encourages them,” and, “The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.”

 

I don’t vote because to me it seems like a tacit act of compliance;

 

To be fair he does have a point. It is not possible to look at politics and not find something to be upset about. But his piece is hard to read and long winded. More about Russell Brand than the state of politics and what should be done. One feels he chose the theme of revolution because he could not make a logical and informed argument about any other aspect of politics. Just tear it down instead, eh, Russell?

Should Brand stick to the entertainment industry?

Should Brand stick to the entertainment industry?

Brand goes on to say “We have succumbed to an ideology that is 100 per cent corrupt and must be overthrown”. Really? What country does he think this is? Italy?

He even mentions that the London riots were political. They may have started that way briefly but they were more about the need for a new TV in the end.

Being a politician is a hard job. To try and make this world a better place (and plenty of politicians do try) is much harder than being a comedian/actor/whatever. Russel Brands stream of consciousness in The New Statesman reminds me of a teenager who just became angry with the world. What, I think we should ask, did Russell Brand ever do for us? Because I know what politicians do; they get up everyday and they work a proper job. Some of them do it for the right reasons, some of them do it for the wrong ones, some start off good and become corrupt, but so far so the same as every other industry/establishment. I guess what really riled me about Brand’s essay of nothing is this: I have worked in politics. I interned for Zac Goldsmith, I campaigned for Tamsin Omond (her own party, The Commons) and Suzanne Moore (Independent). Both Tamsin and Suzanne would have been great and made a difference. Zac got elected and is doing well in Parliament. (On a separate note, Zac is the brother of Jemima Khan. Small world)

I campaigned for pretty much everyone at the last election apart from the Liberal Democrats, who in my opinion are dirty campaigners, and Labour, who did a lot of damage to the country but never seem to be brought up on it by the press or anyone else, while the Tories still pay for crimes done in the 70s/80s.

I don’t promise to be loyal to a political party as they can all go wrong and lose their way, caring more about being reelected and individual careers than the people they represent. Russel Brand seems to be pro-riot and anarchy. More about tearing things down instead of building them up. He doesn’t offer a solution and if his ‘eyes glaze’ when people talk about politics then how informed can he actually be? Has he done his research?, does he read the newspapers? I am not so sure. I have nothing against Brand. Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Get Him To The Greek were both great, but if you don’t know anything about a subject, best to keep quiet.

It may be that there is no one to vote for, only fools to vote against. But to vote against a fool is better than to not vote at all. And if you are still thinking of siding with Brand and not voting then just remember that he was the guy who dressed up as Osama Bin Laden the day after 9/11 and went to work at MTV, who rightly fired him. That is not exactly sound judgement, is it?

 

Londoner’s Life 40 – Overheard by Phil Ryan

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Well another week in this great city of London. And another stealthily garnered piece of minutiae of the wonderful inner world so many people inhabit. My wide open ears are now so finely attuned to this stuff I have to concentrate to turn them off! Happily I get to grab my pieces between meetings and things when I am often on my own and can really concentrate. So here’s my usual sharp intake of breath one liner I grabbed outside Bank Tube station. Sharply suited man in designer shades loudly into mobile phone: “For christ’s sake Toby it’s a fucking gibbon. Deal with it”. Huh???????
However this week’s standout winner was the five tourists from Spain (they had Bright red jackets with Espana printed on them) and they were having coffee and cake with a tour guide and obvious Language teacher in The Crypt at St Martins in the Field Café. I was sitting virtually in front of them as the tables were shoved together so I could watch as well from behind my paper.
Young Language guy “Yes its silly isn’t it it’s written as Leciester Square (he enunciates liesester slowly and sharply) but it’s pronounced as Lester” Sharp faced woman “But why?” Young Language guy “I think it’s something to do with the french” The Spanish people muttered to each other sounding puzzled. Sharp faced woman’s friend “Oh so the french people wrote in English then” Young Language guy” Oh er no its more the way they influenced the way we pronounce things. We have lots of french words er like we say cul-de-sac for a dead-end for instance” Sharp faced woman “Why not just say dead-end?” Young language guy “ Er I don’t know we just do” Sharp faced woman’s friend “ We enjoy to speak the English but we worry about these strange words. What is paedophile?” (she carefully pronounced each phrase turning it into peed O feel) Young Language guy “Ohh um where did you hear that?” Sharp faced Spanish woman’s friend “It was on our free paper this morning it had a picture of a priest is he famous?” Young language guy “Ah no he’s um not famous er it means” he took ages to speak again “Um he’s not very nice towards children” Sharp faced woman “How do you mean this not very nice does he shout at them please to explain” The whole group looked at him with interested expressions. Young language guy “No he um holds them er too close and often without clothing” He was struggling now and the expressions on their faces were a picture. Sharp face woman suddenly brightly “Who of us wants more how do we say scones”
I didn’t get what happened next but they left. I bet they didn’t try out any new words that day!

Is Xenophobia Ever Okay?

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On Friday (15/07/2012) I was reading the Evening Standard, I always read the Evening Standard. It’s London’s paper. I also read Sebastian Shakespeare’s column. He seemed smart and witty but what I read on Friday shocked me, not only because of its ignorance but also because of its xenophobia. It was pretty close, if not on the button, of inciting racial (xenophobic, whatever you want to call it) hatred. This is what Sebastian said in his column:

Now we have to cough up to send Scots to Oxford

This may turn out to be the last straw for the Barnett formula. Oxford University is offering up to £22,000 to Scottish students to encourage more applications. Given that Scots pay no fees at Scottish universities, they are unlikely to apply to an English university where fees are £9,000 a year, so the logic goes — hence the need for a subsidy to lure them south.

Excuse me, but why can’t Oxford spend its money subsidising impoverished English students rather than impecunious Scots, who already benefit from a free education? The Scots rely on a huge subsidy from the English taxpayer (the gap in public spending between Scotland and England has risen to a record £1,600 per person a year), which goes toward financing their education system. Now we’re being asked to cough up all over again so they can educate their offspring south of the border. And there was I thinking the whole point of our subsidy was to keep the Scots in Scotland.

I have highlighted the comment ‘keep the Scots in Scotland.’. This is particularly offensive. If you replace the word ‘Scots’ with anything else (Jew, African, etc) you realise just how wrong it is on every level. How the hell did that get past the Evening Standard’s editors?

I am Scottish although I also have English, Lithuanian and Italian blood. I grew up in Scotland and I also paid for my own college education. So did my friends. I didn’t go to University but if I had wanted to I would not have been able to afford to do so.

You have to ask yourself if Scotland really is a socialist paradise why there are so many poor people there who cannot afford to educate themselves out of their situation.

It is also one thing to go to University, but a complete other to go to Oxford.

As for Oxford University: congratulations. What a wonderful and stunning thing to do. I feel they believe in a truly United Kingdom and don’t judge people just because they were born North of the border. Let’s hope other people follow their example.

Londoner’s Life 29 – by Phil Ryan

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Londoner’s Life 29 – By Phil Ryan

Boris won. Ken lost. So that’s the Mayoral nonsense out of the way. I popped into my local church and put my cross in the boxes. Curious really, a kind of religious voting experience. But it was probably a futile gesture as nothing much will change. Everything will stay expensive. Nothing will get cheaper. And the weirdo fringe candidates like the BNP and Liberal Democrats attracted hardly any support in the end. So what was the point of them all? It was Boris vs Ken. And think of all the money they both wasted. But hey that’s democracy so I guess I shouldn’t complain. In London we seem to lead the way in fairness and openness. That is unless of course you’re trying to get into the country via Heathrow. Yes London’s premier airport is leading the world now in queues. It’s our Olympic year and London is saying welcome and come on in. You’ve flown for a few hours and now as a welcoming exercise we’d like you to stand in line for three more tedious hours and shuffle along like drugged penguins. Our staff have all been employed only if they are miserable and intolerant. Make any kind of fuss – even slightly raise your voice and miraculously we have loads of staff to escort you to an interrogation room. Hm. And I love our chip and pin type passports with their hi tec machines plus their human components. Last month I flew back from France. Confidently headed for the chipped passport gates but before I got there a very kind lady stopped me and explained how to use them. Hm.

Isn’t the point being that it’s a machine with clear instructions. So I listened to her briefly and her two colleagues who came across to assist her! I didn’t want to seem rude so instead of putting my passport on the reader I politely let them waste five minutes of my time and then I did what I was intending all along. I put my passport on the reader and looked at the camera thing. The gates opened and I ran for the Heathrow Express. Over manning or what? Meanwhile the other queue snaked back out of the corridor. Welcome to London.

My favourite new bit of over hyping Olympic nonsense was the pure London moment when the army went to Bow to put missiles onto the roofs of tower blocks to find many already had them. Just kidding! But seriously the kids are more armed than the army round that way. Pity the terrorist who wanders into Bow, he’s done for. Personally I think it’s a scam by Barratt’s Homes or even the Government. I mean imagine if they do shoot down a plane. Where does it crash exactly? Bow or Canning Town somewhere. It’s a regeneration project essentially dressed up as security. But we lurch closer to the joy of the Olympics with each passing week. My most chilling moment was watching some bland nerk from Transport for London (TFL) colloquially known as Totally ********* London. He stood in front of the front of a station and calmly asserted that there would be 3 million more tube passengers using the system EVERY DAY during the Olympics. What? Have any of them actually been on the tube? It is going to be a nightmare. But then only a London official could make the following statement. He went on to say that today they were launching a poster campaign and get this ‘encouraging Londoner’s to find different ways to get to work’. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. Different ways? What Hot Air balloons, jet packs, levitation. How about roller skates? It’s like they’ve collectively all dropped some acid. They have abandoned any grasp on reality. But hey ho! This is London and TFL and anything is possible apparently. Come the games it’s essentially going to be the world’s largest and sweatiest mobile game of Twister!

But it’s not all bad news. It’s the Queens Diamond Jubilee celebration soon (god bless her). A procession of golden boats and pageantry and an opportunity for street parties. So here in London it’s a chance for another holiday as remember its bank holiday season. Every other week seems to be a holiday. Which on the one hand is great. On the other the train companies calmly make every weekend a train free zone. And from what I see on some of the weekend jubilee celebrations the train companies will do their level best to stop you getting there. No wonder Londoners get so resigned to their travelling fate. However at my local London Overground station when I head for the platform the staff now excitedly tell me we have trains honestly lots of them look go and see! It’s quite touching in a way.

Finally trend news moment. It’s now the complete rise of the east with the Sushi places I’ve mentioned before. But now I see a blossoming undercurrent of new British themed gastro pubs or ‘eating rooms’ as they trendily call themselves. It’s suddenly organic sausages and Kent potatoes and gravy. And whilst I cautiously welcome this type of place (all very 50’s in decor but British 50’s mind you so coooool) again the prices are very scary. I went to a new one plugged in the Evening Standard and paid eighteen pounds for some chops. Not very recession friendly. Conversely I notice most of them are signed up to that Taste Card company (as am I) Discount food seems the only way they can get people in at the start of the week. Remember folks it’s a double dip recession so watch those pennies. And choose carefully. Although is it stopping us going out to these places? Are people baulking at the prices? No not really. It’s a London thing.

Smut {Ceri's Column}

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People-watching and eave’s dropping are things I should do more often. These border-line peeping-Tomish pastimes often yield little snippets of gold…hold on, what the fuck is a “snippet of gold”? Is that possible? Am I mixing my damn turns of phrase again… anyway; it’s a great tool for a comedy writer. I try not to look suspicious or blatant or paedophilic when engaging in this important activity. Just the other day I was inadvertently listening to a most wonderful moment.

I was busy loitering in the park, pretending to read a newspaper. I spied a gentleman speaking on his mobile phone. It was clamped so tightly to his ear hole that he must have booked a one way ticket to brain tumourville. He was deeply embroiled in a spat with his significant other. I think her name was Melanie…shit man, he said “Mel”…could’ve been Melville. That doesn’t matter.

“No. No. Look I…no, you’re twisting my words, Mel. Now you’re just lying, for Christ’s sake! Look, she doesn’t even come by anymore. She said her hours have changed and I just don’t see her. No, I do not have her number. So what if she’s pretty? Oh my god, YOU just said she was pretty! Don’t get fucked off just because I agreed you stupid idiot.”

There was a pause

“Did you come? Cool. See you after work.”

After I was done sniggering, I thought, “Hang on, he’s in a park. What is he a ranger?” As he got up to walk passed me, I saw a badge on his shirt confirming this. Shit.

by Ceri Phillips