Interview With Dan Schreiber About The Great UFO Conspiracy

An interview with Dan Schreiber about The Great UFO ConspiracyThis Saturday night (14 March) sees More4 dedicate its schedule to some out-of-this-world programming for Aliens Night. In an all new one-off documentary airing first on More4’s Alien Night, comedian and presenter Dan Schreiber has gone in search of some of the Britons who believe in a huge government cover-up of extra-terrestrial life.

The Great UFO Conspiracy will air Saturday 14 March at 9:05pm on More4.

You’ve made a film, The Great UFO Conspiracy – what’s it all about?

It’s looking at the phenomena of conspiracy theories to do with aliens UFOS. Most of the time, when you think about that stuff, you think of the USA, of Area 51 and Roswell and so on. It all seems to be America-based. But actually, Britain has a huge role in the constant stream of theories of what’s going on. And this country has some of the largest ever encounters that are acknowledged worldwide by the community. So I wanted to find out more about the people who are leading the front, who think there’s something more going on.

Is this an area you’ve been interested in in the past?

Yeah, I’m interested in it in a slightly lateral, leftfield kind of way. I love the storytelling. I love the way the theories are put together. I see it as a type of storytelling that nobody really acknowledges. It’s a group of people looking at a thing and coming up with an alternative story and timeline for. And they all contribute to it, worldwide. And it adds to this bigger story, this growing, creative idea. The difference between them and me is that they believe it to be true, whereas I don’t. But I don’t think that should step in the way of admiring what’s a great story.

How much of this did you know before you embarked on your journey? Did what you encountered surprise you?

Oh, I was totally surprised. My background is in making sure that I know virtually everything about a subject before I get involved with it. That’s from a background of working on shows like QI. But on this show, the production team didn’t want me to find out anything beforehand. They wanted me to be put into the situation and learn on the spot. So I did go in thinking I’d know the majority of the theories, but there are so many of them, you just can’t get a handle on them. And also, all the theories that I thought were dead, like crop circles, are now alive again, and being reinterpreted. For example, we know they were created as a prank, but now the theory is that the pranksters were actually having their actions controlled by aliens. I love it that you can’t seem to kill a conspiracy theory – it will find a new way to live.

Almost by definition, these are people who are very suspicious of the motives of others, especially establishment organisations like broadcasters. Was it difficult to get them to trust you?

It’s a really odd one. They all seem to hate the BBC with a total passion, They think everyone’s involved. But this thing has grown so big, as an industry, that people are making their living off the back of talking about these theories or writing books about them. There’s so much money now being made that you can live your life by these theories. So they have to co-operate with the devil, because they know they can get more exposure for a talk that they’re going to do, or a book that they’re going to do.

What did you think if the people you spoke to?

I really liked them all, and found them really interesting. And one thing that struck me was that when we weren’t talking about UFO stuff, they’re all really chatty, nice, friendly, likeable people, who liked a laugh and liked to talk about football. One of them, a guy called Tony, very openly says that the last few years of his life have been absolute hell, he’s gone through various things. We didn’t go into what that was – I imagine depression was involved – so they’re not all completely rounded, happy, optimistic people. But if you’re sitting in a pub and start talking about acting or movies, they’re all interested in talking about that stuff.

Some of these guys seemed a convinced the authorities were after them. Do you think any of them were genuinely scared for their safety?

Tony says that he is, or certainly that he was. I spoke to a guy called Timothy Good, he struck me as someone who was just reporting facts, very much in control. He didn’t seem scared at all. Some of them I found it hard to tell. I didn’t know where the jokes stopped and the beliefs began. So this guy Miles was an example. If we were meant to be meeting someone, and they’d be running late, and you’d receive two of the same text, he’d say “When you get two, it means the government are watching you, and that’s why she had to disappear.” And then you’d wonder if he actually believed that, or was just winding me up.

Where do these ideas germinate from? 

That’s a good question. I went to a conference, and everyone was doing these talks, and I had a weird feeling. I do stand up comedy, and half the time you’re trying out new material to see how it’s received, and at this conference, it felt the same. People were standing up and offering new theories and new connections they’d made, and sussing it out with the crowd. It felt like a new material night for theories. But I think that these theories just seem to pop up out of nowhere.

You don’t try to debunk these theories. Why did you adopt that approach?

That wasn’t the focus of the show for me. None of us wanted to make something that was laughing at these people. It was more a matter of going “Look, this is an actual thing that’s happening, and millions of people around the world believe in it,” and if you’re at a dinner party and you’re sitting next to one of these people, you can either say that they’re mad, or dangerous, or idiots, or you could have a good conversation with them. I’m more interested in just hearing from them what they think is going on and why. If you see a documentary with Richard Dawkins, you don’t have time to understand what the religious person thinks, because Dawkins is shouting them down. That’s in no way productive for a conversation.

What are your own theories about extra-terrestrials?

I think that there’s alien life out there. I almost think it would be weird to think that there wasn’t, the Universe being what it is. I just don’t think that we’ve necessarily been visited yet. All they’ve done is gone one step further, and then added a whole conspiracy side to it, with the government being involved.

Lastly, I can’t let you go without asking you, after all those years of working on QI, what’s your favourite fact?

Let’s see. Oh, there’s a great one which always makes me laugh. You know the DVDs you get with the anti-piracy bit with the dramatic music at the beginning? It turns out they didn’t have the permission to use that song. The guy sued them and got money. That’s so wonderful. The other one I really like, which is from one of the QI books, is that in 1895, the only two cars in Ohio crashed into each other.

 

 

People Who Were Fired For Tweeting: Why We Should Be More Careful On Twitter

The importance of social media training was highlighted by Labour MP Emily Thornberry tweeting a picture that many found condescending and classist. Many people tweet without thinking and those in a position of power routinely get themselves into trouble because of this. Reputation is everything in business and it can be destroyed with a single tweet. Twitter is a great resource but many forget how powerful it is and that tweets are not private. Clicking ‘tweet’ can ruin careers.

emilythornberrytweet

Thornberry’s infamous tweet featured the St George Cross flag, draped from a suburban home which had a white van parked in the driveway. The now ex-shadow attorney-general for Labour lost her job because of the tweet which not only damaged Thornberry, but also the Labour party as a whole. Ed Milliband was said to be ‘furious’. Communities Secretary Eric Pickles said: “We should have pride in flying the Cross of St George – don’t knock the national flag of England.”

Prime Minister David Cameron also said the Labour MP’s actions were “completely appalling” and made a suggestion that she was “sneering at people who work hard, are patriotic and love their country”.

After the incident Twitter founder Jack Dorsey was asked if the reaction to Emily Thornberry’s tweets made him frightened at the power of his creation. He said: “I don’t think it’s any different from what we’ve been doing as a humanity – it’s just faster.”

Other people who have lost their jobs because of inappropriate tweets include:
firedbecauseoftweet

CNN Middle East editor Octavia Nasr wrote a controversial tweet regarding Lebanon’s deceased Grand Ayatollah Mohammad Hussein Fadlallah. Nasr wrote of her “respect” for Fadlallah, who was very anti-American and was also linked to bombings that killed more than 260 Americans. She later said she had been referring to Fadlallah’s “attitude” and apologised for trying to discuss a complex figure on Twitter.
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Politician Stuart MacLennan was fired by the Labour Party after making a number of offensive tweets. He referred to Commons Speaker John Bercow as a “t**”, David Cameron a “t***” and Nick Clegg, the Liberal Democrat leader, “a b******”.” He also referred to elderly voters as “coffin dodgers”. He apologised for the tweets and was removed from the party’s ticket.
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Former MLB pitcher Mike Bacsik lost his job as a radio producer after drunk tweeting racist comments during a Mavericks-Spurs game.
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Comedian Catherine Deveny was fired from a job writing for Australian newspaper The Age when she tweeted about her hopes that Steve Irwin’s daughter gets laid.

Her former boss, editor Paul Ramadge, said, “We are appreciative of the columns Catherine has written for The Age over several years but the views she has expressed recently on Twitter are not in keeping with the standards we set at The Age.”

 

TV extra on Glee, Nicole Crowther, tweeted about some plot spoilers she had heard on set. A big no-no in the entertainment industry. She was then fired via Twitter by the show’s producer, Brad Falchuk, when he tweeted in response: “Hope you’re qualified to do something besides work in entertainment.”

 

Comedian Gilbert Gottfried was the voice of the Aflac duck and made jokes about the Japanese tsunami. “Japan is really advanced. They don’t go to the beach. The beach comes to them.” He tweeted. Unfortunately for him Aflac is the largest insurance company in Japan and he was fired.

 

A woman called Connor Riley got a job offer from Cisco and tweeted: “Cisco just offered me a job! Now I have to weigh the utility of a fatty paycheck against the daily commute to San Jose and hating the work.” Cisco employee Tim Levad then replied: “Who is the hiring manager? I’m sure they would love to know that you will hate the work. We here at Cisco are versed in the Web.” Oops.

 

 

Bar Chocolat Launch

Exclusive Supper Club from NOMA trained Blanch and Shock

The one-off bar is running during London fashion week – it is an immersive, multi-sensory experience inspired by the pleasure of chocolate, all brought to you by the brand new Baileys Chocolat Luxe: www.barchocolatlondon.com

Food design trio Blanch and Shock have created an amazing supper club menu offering that was served directly onto tables on Wednesday afternoon (11th of September)

 

With 24 carat gold on our lips as part of the dessert experience.

With 24 carat gold on our lips as part of the dessert experience.

 

Capturing exciting flavour varieties and taste notes that combined are rarely seen, Wednesday’s supper club will comprise a wild pescatarian starter, garnished with flowers, samphire and pea shoots, and a meaty main. To finish the plate-less feast, a selection of cakes that perfectly accompany Baileys Chocolat Luxe will tantalize tastebuds.

Bar Chocolat Startermainmealpreparation

The main meal is served directly on the plate. It was amazing.

The main meal is served directly on the plate. It was amazing.

barchocolatefinishedFinished meal.

Dessert. Yummy. We put 24 carat gold on our lips to start. Then we had a Baileys Chocolat Luxe and helped ourselves.

Dessert. Yummy. We put 24 carat gold on our lips to start. Then we had a Baileys Chocolat Luxe and helped ourselves.

 

The Bar Chocolat experience celebrates the beauty of food and culinary delights. It sees creatives including Bompas & Parr, Tabitha Denholm, Amelia Rope, Petra Storrs and Lou Hayter coming together to create a part immersive, part exhibition journey into the multi-sensory experience of chocolate.

We had an amazing three course meal and the exhibition was amazing too. Opening the door to smell chocolate. Tabitha’s film, the chocolate dessert, the food and experience. The starter was served on a platter of ice and the main was served directly onto the table. Dessert involved putting real 24 carat gold onto our lips. . Amazing, just amazing. We had a brilliant time.

 

The temporary immersive exhibition and supper club space in Covent Garden saw Pixie Geldof, Henry Holland, Lou Hayter, Gizzi Erskine, Arlissa, Charli XCX, Camilla Rutherford, Tabitha Denholm and Bompas & Parr party into the night to celebrate the nationwide release of Baileys Chocolat Luxe.
Erskine, Denholm, Hayter and Pixie and Ashley Williams took to the decks as guests took in the immersive multi-sensory experience space dedicated to the pleasure of chocolate.
Pixie Geldof used last night’s launch of Baileys Chocolat Luxe to announce that she will following the in the footsteps of friend Alexa Chung in launching her new venture with fashion designer Ashley William called Funky Offish launching soon.
Pixie said:
“Funky Offish is short for funky official – it is our take on smart casual – half funky and half official. We are so excited to announce at tonight’s Baileys Chocolat Luxe night that it will be coming very soon, I think all the chocolate might have made me too euphoric.
“At the moment we are only planning to do womenswear, but who knows what the future holds. the main thing with Funky Offish is that it is not just a label, it is a way of life and I can’t keep it in anymore.”
Other names attending the event last night included: songstress Gabriella Cilmi, PPQ’s Amy Moyneaux and Percy Parker, Game of Thrones’ Gethin Anthony, models Morwenna Lytton-Cobbald, Olivia Inge and Lilah Parsons and comedian Tom Davis.
Baileys Chocolat Luxe Launches Bar ChocolatBaileys Chocolat Luxe Launches Bar Chocolat28_Bailey's Chocolat Luxe
The highlight of the night was the Baileys Chocolat Luxe drink that saw the crowd get into a chocolate-fuelled frenzy. The Bompas & Parr Cabinet Luxe installation proved a big high with the young female singers especially, the beautiful trio of Arlissa, Gabriella Cilmi and Charli XCX spent most of their time inhaling the enhanced chocolate vapour form the experimental jellymongers.
Bar Chocolate is a an experience that you must go to. One of the best things you could do during London Fashion Week. Bar Chocolate is open from 11-16 September, entry if free. Over 18’s only. Meals; Lunch £17.50 and Dinner £25. Three courses. Book via http://www.baileysbarchocolat.com
Bar Chocolate, Mercer Street Studios, 16 Mercer Street, London, WC2H 9QE
Nearest tube: Covent Garden.

Laurence Clark Inspired | Comedy

If you want to catch some comedy, Laurence Clark might be what you are looking for.

Laurence-Clark inspired

From mountain climbing to Doctor Who, via the Swedish chef from The Muppets, this consumate comedian sorts out once and for all what’s truly inspiring. In his inimitable style Laurence flips our idea of what’s inspirational on its head. After a sell out Edinburgh run last year, the show now takes to the road. Expect absurd logic, death-defying stunts and unusual varieties of crisps… just don’t expect to come away ‘inspired’!

 

“Blackly funny.” Daily Telegraph

Inspired focuses on how Laurence is often told he’s “inspirational” for doing ordinary, everyday activities. ‘It’s my pet hate’ says Laurence, ‘whether it’s for being married, doing stand-up or having kids, it just seems like they thought I’d never amount to much. I love to inspire people with my stand-up comedy but don’t call me inspirational for just getting on with my life!’

 

“I would not only recommend this show but urge everyone to go out and buy a ticket immediately” ««««« Edinburgh Guide

 

In 2012 Laurence featured in the BBC1 Documentary, We Won’t Drop the Baby, which was Pick of the Day in The Sunday Times, Mail on Sunday and The Telegraph. Laurence has also topped Shortlist magazine’s Britain’s Ten Funniest New Comedians.  He has appeared on BBC’s Newsnight in an authored feature, and as a talking head in the BBC2 documentary Are You Having a Laugh? He is regularly called upon to comment on social issues on radio, TV and in the press and regularly writes for the Independent. He consistently has successful Edinburgh Festival Fringe shows, all of which have garnered a multitude of 4 and 5 star reviews and Inspired matches this existing high standard.

 

“Any vaguely sentient being ought to leave this stupendously funny and thought-provoking show with their sides split and their minds buzzing.” The Stage [MUST SEE]

Amused Moose Laugher Award Finalist 2012

«««« Time Out «««« Scotsman «««« Metro

«««« The List «««« Chortle «««« Fest «««« ThreeWeeks

«««« Broadwaybaby.com «««« Edinburgh Evening News

««««« Adelaide Advertiser ««««« National Student

««««« Edinburgh Guide

 

Inspired was commissioned by the Unlimited programme, part of the London 2012 Cultural Olympiad. Laurence was the only stand-up comedian to have been commissioned by the Cultural Olympiad programme.

 

Laurence Clark: Inspired

Canada Water Culture Space

21 Surrey Quays Road

London

SE16 7AR

21st September 2013

7.30pm

Tickets: £10/8

Box Office: 020 7525 2931

http://canadawaterculturespace.org.uk/

 

TV STAR CRISSY ROCK’S JOY AS SHE SHOWS OFF “ROLLS ROYCE OF TEETH”


Comedian Crissy Rock is proudly showing off her new set of “Rolls Royce teeth” after enduring years of agony and embarrassment.

Crissy, who is also one of the stars of the hit TV show Benidorm, saw her teeth destroyed after she took chemotherapy-based drugs for vulval cancer in 2003.

Her teeth crumbled causing her to have all of them removed and she went on to have dentures fitted while living in Spain during the filming of Benidorm.

She said: “I spent £10,000 having dentures fitted with a Spanish dentist, but the result was devastating. When I saw my teeth I cried. They looked like something out of a joke shop. It was a real botch job that left me looking like Hannibal Lecter.”

Crissy resolved to get her teeth looked at again after appearing on ITV’s I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here last year during which she had to remove her dentures as she prepared to jump out of a helicopter.

Now, after four months of treatment with the UK’s leading denturist Barrie Semp, of The Smile Centre in Manchester, Crissy is proudly showing off what she has dubbed the “Rolls Royce of teeth” which cost £20,000 to fit.

Crissy said: “My teeth have been individually handmade and tweaked to look a bit worn and slightly crooked to appear more natural. Even the gum looks real.

“For years I couldn’t bite into an apple and had to check restaurant menus for things I could eat. These new teeth are rock solid and I can eat whatever I want. They have given me my dignity back as well as a nicer smile.

“They have already made a huge difference, not just to my mouth but to my life.”

Barrie Semp said: “The problem with Crissy’s teeth was that she had them fitted abroad and there was no aftercare. Also the dentistry work she had done was very poor and had completely failed. It was a total mess.

“Each new tooth has been handcrafted with faint cracks and blemishes where necessary to make them look very real. The gum work is also hand-stained to blend in with the patient’s gum colour, so it looks as if the patient’s natural teeth are growing from the natural gum.

“Crissy can eat anything she likes now and can even jump out of a helicopter without having to take her teeth out.”

The Comedy Autopsy Live : You’d have to be dead to miss it!

 

You wish you had something to do on Wednesday the 23rd of May from 7PM to 9:45pm? Well that’s Interesting. And you wish it cost £4? This is getting a bit spooky now. Don’t tell me you wish it could be of a comedic nature? You do wish it could be of a comedic nature? Ok let’s try one more check: You wish it was in Peckham? This is freaky. The Comedy Autopsy Live is a comedy event happening in Peckham at The Last Refuge, it starts at 7PM and ends before 10PM and, even better, costs just £4. This is meant to be.

The Comedy Autopsy Live is a live stand up comedy event which incorporates elements of podcasting to enhance the experience and give the event a unique flavour. This is comedy version 2.0 if you will allow us such over confidence. We take the comedy out of the pub and put it in a chilled environment that will scream “comedy unplugged”. We can promise that if you come along we will make jokes go into your ear-holes that will make laughter come out of your mouth-hole. It will make you laugh. And that’s all comedy is.

Why start a comedy night man London like totally is crawling with comedy nights? Yes that’s a good point not real person. The reason is simple: I want too. What you want more? Is that not a bold enough statement of mission? Fine I actually do have one of those. It can be tough for emerging comedians (people starting out) to get longer sets to develop their skills. That’s where we come in. This isn’t open mic, nor is it for the comedic elite to try out new material. And by comedic elite I mean they get paid. No the comedians who will appear on The Comedy Autopsy Live are ones that the good people at Comedy Autopsy HQ find funny because we’ve seen them and they have made us chuckle till we buckled. Every act that appears is a 100% guarantee laugh out loud….comedian. Sorry thought there was something better coming but I went with the obvious.

But if you want a specific reason to come along then I have one or two for you. For a start Amy Howerska and James Loveridge will be previewing their Edinburgh Festival show for us. That’s right an Edinburgh Festival preview makes us sound and feel like a proper comedy night. The second reason is that we have Sarah Callaghan. Sarah is a very talented comedian who while not only a graduate of the prestigious Second City improv comedy group in Chicago has also appeared on Coach trip. And we here at The Comedy Autopsy are not sure which we are more jealous of.

So May 23rd. The Last Refuge. Peckham. A night of awesome live comedy. Only £4. It would be great to see you there. I’d appreciate it and so would the performers. £4.Got to be worth a shot.

PS: While it’s not in a pub you will still be able to buy alcohol. In case you were wondering.

Another day, Another new podcast by Richard Wright

Podcasts. You either love them or you’ve never listened to them. They are the democratisation of radio on the internet where anyone can create and distribute an audio show of their own all over the world via the internet. That was a mouthful. This is clearly why I’m not a professional writer. But if you could stick with this then I promise to try harder. Ok. Much like podcasting let’s just plug it n and begin. It’s not the future of media anymore it’s the absolute present. With shows like AMC’s Comic Book men becoming a TV show based on the antics of a podcast it’s no longer just a bit of something extra. People like Kevin Smith & Joe Rogan have turned podcasting into an art form and a business. There are a lot of podcasts out there and if you want proof of that just check the itunes store when you have a spare minute. The competition for listeners is fierce and now the landscape of podcasting has another voice. Yes another deluded, well intentioned person giving their opinions like people should care what they think. And the person behind that podcast is…me.

I realise you don’t know who I am and that is perfectly understandable. I am an “emerging” Stand Up comedian and part-time writer and director of films. What films have I made? That is none of your business. What films have you made? See. You can’t answer it either. Unless you did in which cause I haven’t seen it. Unless I have in which case I didn’t enjoy it. Unless I did in which case well done. You see the rambling? That’s my podcast. I co-host with another brand spanking new comedian called Richard Casey and our podcast is called The Comedy Autopsy. I do tend to murder quite a lot of jokes, I’m just starting leave me alone, and so hence the name. We talk about comedy, film, stand up, occasional pro wrestling references no one will get and, if this first episode is anything to go by, pigeons. We are planning live podcasts with a bunch of audience interaction for the live crowd where the shows will include stand up for a very reasonable fee. We are going to have guests to talk comedy and film and maybe even pigeons. The podcast will be out every Thursday and will be roughly speaking an hour long. And you know what the really cool part is? It’s free. That’s right free I tells ya. We know we aren’t the funniest podcast in the world but we are funny enough.

I feel at this point I should introduce you to our technician. His name is Steve and not only is he terrible at his job he is also not real. That’s right. We made up a technician. Why? A number of reasons. Firstly it’s funny. It is. No it is. And secondly so that we can take all the negative things people will say about the podcast and blame Steve. It’s not our fault it’s Steve. On our podcast we will be getting to know the speechless one known as Steve through our section called “Apparently Steve” where we will share facts we know about Steve. If you know Steve then you can hashtag on twitter #ApparentlySteve and we will see those and use them in the podcast. Maybe you drink with Steve, share a hobby, once dated Steve or you know his mum. If you do let us know with the hashtag.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank Frost Magazine for this chance to, basically, pimp our podcast in this fine publication. You didn’t have to do and we are happy that you did. Maybe we can work out some kind of sponsorship deal – we’d be very cheap *wink wink*.

(PS: if you have complaints regarding spelling in this article, if you can call it that, then remember it’s all Steve’s fault!)

No offence- I swear!

There’s been a lot of talk lately, mainly by comics, about the right to be offended. Think about that, it’s important: The right to be offended. What it means is that just because you think swinging cats by their tails is so ‘ hil-freakin-arious!’ You’re sure to be shortlisted for the Academy awards presenter’s job once Billy Crystal’s face has gone into spasm and he’s been rushed to hospital whispering in his own ears, I don’t have to. In fact I can be genuinely offended by your actions to the point where I want to gaffer tape your still-empty ball bag to an anvil and make you drag it around until it’s long enough to be tucked in your sock and you develop the first recorded case of ‘athlete’s scrotum.’

Pretty obvious premise, right? Those of us who didn’t look upon that mindless halfwit with utter hatred, as he spiraled his way into infamy, need to massively reevaluate their moral code or get back to wheel clamping.

But what if it’s not so straight forward? Swinging cats may be the most evil way to assess how big a room is but it’s illegal, so the offense in question is taken by society as a whole. The right to be offended is an individual thing so it’s an area greyer than Manchester.

I love swearing- one of my favorite words is ‘bastard’. I have a northern accent and do a lot of D.I.Y so, when I hit myself for the eighth time on the thumb with a hammer, there’s no other word that will do.

I got a lump of plaster in my eye the other week. A big, wet dollop of the stuff worked its way under my lid and round the back of my eyeball before it started to go off and turn into hard, sharp flakes. It was so painful I even tried scraping it out with a metal dental hook- the agony of which was like morphine compared to what was happening every time I blinked. You can imagine the kind of mood it put me in. Start at ‘angry’, then work out roughly where ‘happy’ is and get a long haul flight in the opposite direction. When you land, you’ll still have to hire a car with a sat-nav to get to where my mood had bedded down for the day.

The next day, as I picked the crust off my eyeball and squeezed some more of the anti-bacterial glue the hospital had dispensed to me under my swollen lid, I suddenly thought of my neighbors. The lovely, retired, gentle couple next door and wondered how much of ‘Hurricane Ian’ had rattled their porch.

I ventured round there with a bottle of wine, shamed by all the nasty, guttural swearing into mirrors I had carried out the day before, like a kitten with a hangover.

“Oh, hello dear,” Barbara opened the door with a smile, “are you alright now?”

It was obvious she’d heard everything. I smiled apologetically and pointed to my eye as her husband, Derek, came to her side.

“Oh it was your eye then was it?” He said, as Barbara turned to him with a concerned nod. “Sounded like you were getting fucked up the arse with a porcupine!”

I’ve never been so happy to hear filth from a pensioner before. I instantly knew that whatever I had said yesterday would be no big deal.

But it was pure luck.

They could have been god-fearing puritans who sleep in separate rooms and fart in jars and flagellate themselves for washing their own genitals- I could have had the Stondon WI at my gate with flaming torches and pitchforks or, worse still, the police.

In the house of Lords the other day Baroness Trumpington flicked the ‘V’s at Lord King. She’s 89 and, therefore, about as arrestable as Jack the Ripper. It should also be said that if your name’s Baroness Trumpington you’re bound to feel comically obliged to flick the ‘V’s, pick your nose and hand out whoopee cushions on a daily basis. Even so, she was advised to issue a humble apology and a, clearly made up, explanation along the lines of, “my hand jolted a bit,” or, “I nodded off and dreamt I was smoking a cigar.”

Who complained? What was the problem, really? Why does an 89 year old woman have to apologize for doing something that’s not only utterly inoffensive but quintessentially British?

It gets worse. Len Goodman, the ‘’ judge has had over 600 complaints via the BBC because he said ‘sod’. That’s right- there are 600 people with phones in this country that are so offended by the word ‘sod’ that they feel the need to use them in anger. Len Goodman judges ballroom dancing on the BBC! It doesn’t get more cultured than that and yet it was described as ‘appalling’, ‘over the line’ and ‘unsuitable for family viewing’ by people whose right to be offended gets so much exercise it could teach Zumba classes- although ‘zumba’ is probably a rude word to them too.

This isn’t the Sex Pistols getting childish kicks from swearing on TV and it’s not racist, sexist, ageist… Marxist… or any kind of ‘cist’ that needs 600 ‘harrumphers’ lining up ready to lance with their pins of righteousness.

Here’s my point. Everyone has the right to be offended, but that doesn’t mean that what offends them is actually offensive. Moreover, everyone has the right to offend, from Ricky Gervais to Frankie Boyle and even Len Goodman and Baroness Trumpton [Pooh, Pooh, Barmy McSpew, C**tbag, Dribble and Grope anyone?] But unless what they do becomes illegal, like hurting helpless animals, then they should be allowed to carry on without the fear that a call from, ‘Outraged of Ottershott’ could end their careers.

“Thank you for calling the BBC complaints department. If something genuinely offensive has happened please press one. For all other complaints please hold until a member of staff can tell you to fuck off in person.”