Tag Archives: Comedy

Miki Yamashita On Acting | Frost Interviews

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What made you go into acting?

I think I was interested in the arts and performing even before I was aware
of it. My mother says that as a child, I danced and sang around the house so
much that she put me in lessons as soon as I was old enough, because she
wanted me to learn how to do it right. My parents are both teachers, so their
solution for everything is education. It’s actually a pretty good philosophy.
As I grew conscious of my passions in life, I consistently made life
decisions that propelled me towards a life as a performing artist. Let’s just
say I never gravitated towards coal-mining.

Could you ever do anything else?

I guess the right answer is that I actually do many other things. Having
spent my life around many other actors, I have observed that I may be a
slightly different breed than most. I have a group of actor friends that I
started out with performing improv and sketch comedy with at Walt Disney
World, who are still doing only that; I have another group who I did a lot of
musical theatre with, who are still focusing only on Broadway; same with
opera people and comedy writers and commercial actors and episodic
television actors. I am really lucky in that I am actively able to book work in
all of these areas, and I consider that huge spectrum of interests to be my
pursuit as a whole, so if my universe is that huge, understandably there
really isn’t an “anything else” for me.

You famously said: ‘If this business kills me, it will be after everyone in it has my
headshot.’ That’s a go-getting attitude that can be missing in a lot of
performers. Do you agree?

My dear friend Bonnie Gillespie was kind enough to include that in her
brilliant book, “Self-Management for Actors.” When a newer edition came
out, she asked if she could include it again, and I said of course, except that
I didn’t want to imply that manically blanketing an acting market with
headshots was the technique I was espousing. I believe in being fiercely
motivated, but in a very focused and strategic manner. There’s a young actor
in LA, I haven’t seen him in a while, but this crazy kid literally plastered the
exterior of his car with his headshots. I swear! He drives around in this car
all day long hoping for, I don’t know, to get pulled over by a casting
director and get asked to do a monologue by the side of the road?? I don’t
know! But it’s pretty delusional and highly misguided. I guess what I meant
to say is that “If this business kills me, it will be after everyone in it whom I
have researched and targeted as potential buyers for my product has my headshot.”

Over the years, I have met so many actors; some have almost zero
motivation and ambition to do the basic work that is necessary to even have
a chance at success; others are rabidly foaming at the mouth and doing
everything they can desperately and inefficiently so that they can get ahead.
What I’ve learned from these actors is that there is a better way, there is a
sweet spot, where you have a calm, cool, focused energy that propels you
forward slowly, steadily, and intelligently. Wow, I think this is officially the
most Asian thing I have ever said!

I find you incredibly funny, has your sense of humour helped you survive in
showbusiness? Is it possible to do this without one?

Thank you! I think it’s literally impossible not to develop a sense of humor
as a professional actor. I was once asked to sing opera while running full
speed on a treadmill in a sequined gown. I was once told to continue
reciting my monologue while the casting director got on her cell phone and
ordered a chicken salad. I was once physically threatened by a male chorus
dancer. I mean, as actors, this is daily life, okay? And I think if you don’t
find it hilarious, you become seriously mentally damaged in a way that
prevents you from functioning in society as a normal adult. And then it
becomes this wonderful tool to help you consistently cope with the vast
array of indignities that actors face all the time.

What’s the hardest thing about being an actor?

The hardest thing about being an actor is when Chanel sends you so much
free couture from their latest collection that you run out of assistants to re-
gift them to. JUST KIDDING!!! That’s what most people think actors’
problems are. The general public is fed nothing but lies about our
profession, and they are only provided with the success narrative. It’s part
of the machine that allows the industry to maintain its operations, so you
have to accept that civilians are not ever going to get what most of us go
through. The most difficult thing is really how seldom we are actually able
to do our work, and that we must spend an inordinate amount of time doing
work that has nothing to do with performing in order to bankroll the pursuit
of our REAL work.

And the best?

The best thing about being an actor is getting to crash your car into an 18-
wheeler, blaming it all on your assistant, and showing up 4 hours late to set
where they will still tell you you’re the perfect choice to play Liz Taylor. HA
HA HAAA. Seriously, the best thing about this profession is that we are
constantly challenged to imagine what is possible. Every time I get an audition,
whatever it is, a commercial where I’m a pretty Asian mom, or an
opera where I’m a flying ghost bird-spirit, or a daytime drama where I’m the
secretary to the family patriarch, I get to make decisions about these
characters based on my imagination, my life experience, and what is on the
page. And no one else is going to make the same set of choices that I will.
Even if I don’t get the part, for a brief moment, for the duration of that
audition, my humanity was merged with that character, and I find great
fulfillment in my ability to execute that with consistency and quality.

What is your favourite thing that you have worked on?

My favorite thing that I have worked on is an original new work in which I
sang a principal role, with Los Angeles Opera. The piece was called “The
White Bird of Poston,” and it was newly commissioned specifically for the
purposes of educational and community outreach in the city of Los Angeles.
The opera is about the Japanese American Internment during World War II, a
very dark part of American history. The music and the story are so
beautifully written, I felt so honored to be a part of it, and I felt like it used
so many of my skills simultaneously—my classically trained voice, my
acting training, my dance training, and even a little bit of my abilities as a
comedienne. And on top of that, it had such profound cultural significance
to me as a Japanese American.

You have a great niche as an actress: you studied opera, has this greatly helped
your acting career or is it separate thing?

As I mentioned earlier, there are a lot of people that I started out with,
training and performing professionally as serious classical or musical
theatre singers, who are still completely focused on only that sector of
performance. For me, singing eventually became something glamorous and
glorious that I could just keep hidden in my back pocket, and whip it out
suddenly and just stun people with it as needed. This evolution mostly took
place because I moved from the New York acting market which is very
heavily theatre-based, to Los Angeles, which of course focuses much more
on, well, speaking and not singing. But even without the move, I think I was
really adamant about transcending musical theatre; I felt that I had more to
accomplish in other areas, and my interests had a much wider span than just
singing in musicals until I was dead.

Advice for actors?

My advice for actors is pretty depressing, but realistic. If at all possible, get
a degree in a subject that has nothing to do with drama or music. I’ve made
a lot of hideous mistakes in life, but the one thing I did right was to earn a
college degree in English literature instead of acting or vocal performance.
Even though many would say a degree in English is almost as useless, I
would have to argue otherwise. The acting business becomes more and
more competitive every day, and what sets me apart from many others is my
relentless desire to articulate my own experience. As a writer, I have a
heightened sense of power because for the most part, words on a page
cannot be refused or rejected because the writer isn’t blond or skinny. I am
shut out of thousands of performing job opportunities a day simply because
of my physical appearance, something that cannot be transformed by
“working hard.” Trust me, I’ve tried. Exercising cannot change your race!

So my advice is to find tangible skills that will enable you to support your
pursuit of acting for a very very long time.

But ultimately, have faith that you are answering a divine calling by being an
artist. And know that you are in control of what you choose to sacrifice for
this calling.

What’s next for you?

I’m about to make big changes to my online presence; a fellow LA actress,
Sarah Sido, taught me a lot about building websites, so I’m going to use
those skills to rebrand my personal page, as well as start a blog about
acting. Wow, now I’ve said it so I better do it!

FAVORITE ACTORS/ACTRESSES – I think my favorite male actor is Jim
Carrey. A lot of my earlier sketch comedy and improvisational work I did at
Walt Disney World was heavily influenced by him, and I have deep respect
for his significant capabilities as a dramatic actor. He is so interesting to
watch doing anything! Let’s say if, starting tomorrow, he stopped making
studio feature films and decided to just host a vegan cooking show on
HGTV, I would watch that.

For female actresses, I would rather be executed than name just one. Meryl
Streep seems to literally becomes other human beings, to the point where it
actually scares me. Meryl is a frightening example of sheer mastery of the
craft. I would like to see her play some kind of deep sea creature or
something, because that lady would seriously prepare for the role by eating
paramecium and withstanding 500 bars of atmospheric pressure. And that’s
entertainment, my friends.

I love Julianne Moore’s work, because I find that no matter who she plays,
her characterization is so detailed and complete that I feel like I actually
live out the movie in real time as her role. The performance is so intimate
and honest and infused with inner life that I feel like I AM her character.
Believe me, it takes skill to convince a short Asian girl that she is a white
1950’s housewife.

Photo credit: David Muller

Jimmy Carr Apologies For Tax Avoidance.

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Jimmy Carr paid £8.5 million in cash for his home. He has pulled out of the ‘tax avoidance scheme’ and has apologised. The comedian admitted he had ‘made a terrible error of judgment’

He also said his accountant told him the scheme was legal. Carr was one of thousands to use an off-shore scheme to pay as little as 1 per cent income tax. His credibility has been severely affected.

Prime Minister David Cameron branded his partaking in the scheme as ‘morally wrong’.

In a statement, the comedian insisted that he was told the scheme was ‘totally legal’. After intense public pressure he admitted he has withdrawn from the scheme.

A Downing Street spokesman said:

‘I think it is obviously welcome,’ a No 10 spokeswoman said.

‘HMRC are working hard to investigate the sort of scheme that Jimmy Carr had been reported to be involved in to ensure that they are not aggressively avoiding tax, and, if they are, they are closed down.’

The spokeswoman defended Mr Cameron’s to speak out against Mr Carr.

‘The Prime Minister was expressing what probably lots of people felt after reading the coverage,’ she said.

The revelations are worse as Carr has publicly mocked tax avoidance schemes.

Apparently Carr puts away £3.3million a year via the K2 tax scheme, which is used by more than 1,000 tax avoiders.

Griff Rhys Jones Interview

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This summer, Griff Rhys Jones is hosting a brand new comedy panel show on Channel 4, A Short History of Everything Else. This six-part series uses brilliant, hilarious and downright weird archive clips to challenge contestants to remember key moments from our recent history, and provide new and irreverent perspectives on our past. Team captains are Marcus Brigstocke and Charlie Baker.

Here, Griff talks about the ageing process, his love of box sets, and the joys of filming indoors for a change.

You said in an interview a while back that you were always too busy because you couldn’t say no to things. How’s the work-life balance shaping up these days?

Not bad, actually. The trouble is, a long time ago, I started doing all sorts of different types of programme. I think if a finger had pointed at me and said “You will be brilliant at pulling faces and doing silent, exaggerated comedy, and everyone will admire you for that,” [like former comic partner Rowan Atkinson] I would have stuck doing that. But it didn’t quite work out like that. So I put myself about a bit. I do lots of different things, and that’s rather exciting. It’s given me a new lease of life. I’m happy to do it. But I don’t say ‘no’ very easily, it’s true. In fact, I rather like having work, because it gives me the opportunity to say no to things.

What was the attraction of doing A Short History of Everything Else?

I’ve always quite fancied doing what I’d call a desk job. I’ve spent quite a lot of time on the road. And they sent me a pilot they’d made, and it just worked. There are a lot of these comedy panel games, and many of them, I have to say, are based on false premises. Often they’re too complicated – people get themselves really worked up creating a complicated structure, and the audience doesn’t have the faintest idea what’s going on, and nor does anybody playing it. This is a very simple idea – to revisit fads, moments in our past, look at them again, and answer questions and see what we can remember, about everything from the whole ‘video nasties’ scare to Boris Yeltsin and his extraordinary drunken career. We show clips, and you watch them and go ‘Wow, I’d forgotten all about that!’ And when it all comes flooding back, it really gets people talking. It’s a sort of nostalgia piece. I suppose that’s why they chose an ancient figure, old enough to have forgotten everything, to introduce it.

The programme only deals with very recent history, doesn’t it?

Yes, because we use archive footage. I don’t think we go much further back that the 70s. I’m afraid I suffer from the affliction of being nearly 60, which means I find myself going ‘The 90s? That’s not history!’ They did a recent TV series about the 70s, and I watched it going ‘Wow! All of these things were going on, with the unions and everything, I don’t remember any of that. I remember it being rather dull and wet and grey for a lot of the 70s.

What recent period of history was your favourite?

My favourite era of recent history was about 1965 to 1970, because I was growing up then. I spent my time in an awestruck state, looking at people like Jimi Hendrix, wandering around thinking there was some sort of nirvana in central London that I was denied access to, because I lived in Brentwood. So the train out of Brentwood and into town was the sort of Yellow Brick Road. We’d get into this world where people wore funny sunglasses and had frizzed out hair. That was our dream, which we fulfilled by going to the Roundhouse and things like that. After that I became an adult, and realised that you get on with life, get married, have kids, grow up, try to follow a career, do things, and the tide of history is just washing past you. Which is one of the reasons why this series is fantastic, you can watch it and go ‘Oh yes! Was that really 20 years ago?’ I went to , and they read a piece by him and he said “as you get older, the most terrifying thing is how quickly it all goes – how it seems to all speed up.” And I do find that the last ten years have gone alarmingly quickly. I’m not ready for what it is I’m supposed to be ready for!

Are you quite pleased to be presenting a programme in a sharp suit rather than your anorak?

The sharp suits were very, very nice. Of course, I’d already been doing It’ll Be Alright on the Night, which had obviously been a huge success, because I got a nice suit out of that. I would also like to say that the red anorak that I wear in other shows is not just an anorak! It’s actually a jacket that was designed for the Italian racing drivers in the Mille Miglia in the 1950s, and it’s an object of great veneration. People write in to the manufacturers saying ‘Please, please make one for me – because Griff looks so good wearing his.’ It was made in limited edition, and I have two of them. But I must say, to be able to sit and wear a suit, and totter the journey from the dressing room to the studio is pretty good. There was a time when Mel and I were finishing off filming Smith and Jones together about 15 years ago, when being in a studio was my life. And as we finished, I thought ‘This is crazy. I’m really good at this. Changing out of a costume really quickly and getting on to the next set. I can really do that! Not many people can.’ And it’s quite nice being back in that environment. The only difference is that now I have to wear glasses to read the autocue. I did notice during filming that I look a bit like the old man from the film Up. I was really disappointed about that. That’s not my self-image at all.

Is there anything you enjoy about getting older?

Everything, absolutely everything. All that slightly furious business of peer pressure goes away. It’s fantastic. I’d really recommend it. I’m really glad that I’m still getting work. They’re probably desperate to fire me. My wife would like me to do less work – but in the last two weeks I’ve done less work, and now she wants me to work again. My wife and I were 26 when we got married. We had kids at the tremendously early age of 30. Most of my friends seem to have decided to wait until they were about 50. We go round and they’ve got toddlers everywhere, and they’ll go “Oh, oh, oh, Griff,” and hand me a child, and I’ll say “No, it’s okay, I’ve done that! I remember when you used to come round to my house and play loud music and stay up drinking til 3am while we were trying to get the kids into bed, and I don’t care about your kids!” I do a little bit of babysitting from time to time, and I have godchildren, but my kids have now fled the nest, and believe me, there’s no better time in life.”

You’re not tempted to go round to their houses and play loud music until 3am?

Luckily, that’s the other thing that happens. You suddenly think ‘Why did I ever go to stadium rock? Why did I do that? What was that about? Is there a less entertaining experience than sitting on one of those ridiculous bucket seats, peering at a sort of mini-picture of the Rolling Stones four miles away? Some of my friends still go to Glastonbury! I can’t think of anything worse. At the moment I’ve been trying to get into 40s jazz, because I’ve realised that some people are obsessed with 40s jazz, so there must be something in it. So I’m listening to a lot of that.

Back to A Short History of Everything Else – what sort of a host are you? Are you strict?

Yes, I’m quite schoolmasterly. No mucking around, please. It’s quite difficult getting them to shut up. We ran a programme which was part chatty and part quizzy – Marcus would go off on these long tangents, and Will Self, who’s a guest, was unbelievable. I’m no slouch in terms of yakking on in a non-stoppable way, but I found stopping people the most complicated thing. But I did have to be a bit schoolmasterly at times.

What’s it like being back in front of a studio audience?

Quite interesting, for me. It was quite a big transition. I was talking to Mel about this. We used to parody presenters, and then, when I started doing restoration, I had to talk to a camera. As an actor, I’d only ever looked into the camera in character, and suddenly I had to be me on camera. Now, of course, love it – I can’t go anywhere without a camera. And I now talk continually to the camera, which causes great problems for the editors, who wish I would shut up from time to time, and they could film me walking or looking at stuff. So that was quite a transition for me. And now I have to undergo another transition, being in front of a studio audience, and speaking more slowly, and getting the audience to join in.

Who are the guests you have on the show, and who would be your ideal guest?

The guests we had were all ideal guests! Robin Ince was brilliant, we had Kirstie Wark, and she was fantastic, absolutely marvellous. Not only did she have more knowledge about everything, but she was great on what I call the argy-bargy as well. Bob Mortimer was fantastic – very, very funny. And of course each guest brings a slightly different flavour. Bob was surreal, so he’d take the whole thing and push it off in a different direction. And, of course, as team captains, Charlie and Marcus were absolutely fantastic. Marcus is remarkable – his capacity to take the audience with him was really asomething – and he has such strong opinions. And Charlie was just very, very, very funny. But, to be honest, everyone was really good – it’s going to be very difficult to edit. I know it’s quite commonplace for these quiz shows to do long recordings, but we were doing three-and-a-half hour recordings, and they were pretty high energy all the way through. We’d walk off exhausted. I haven’t seen any of it, so I shall wait to see which of my gems has been cut, and then complain furiously.

Which is more difficult, being a contestant on a panel show, or being a host?

Well, they’re rather different. This has been a learning curve for me. What you’re involved with is what they call the housekeeping. If you’re a guest, there’s a lot of waiting around, and maybe a bit of preparation. But all the top guests and the top team captains don’t actually prepare anything – if you go on Have I Got News for You, Paul and Ian always tell you not to prepare stuff. They never do. They allow spontaneity to happen. One of the keys, whether you’re hosting or on the panel, is to be relaxed enough to let it happen – which is quite a challenge for me!

Does it feel like a comedy gig? Do you get heckled by the audience?

We did a lot of appeals to the studio audience. Actually, I remember Will Self heckling the studio audience, which was a bit frightening. He rounded on them and shouted “You voted for them!” I wondered whether they’d stay for the rest of the programme!

What makes you watch on TV at the moment?

I spend most of my time watching films and HBO. I’ll sit down and think ‘Oh good, they’ve made something called The Wire which goes on and on and on. And Mad Men as well. I’ll get annoyed because for some reason it takes a long time for Mad Men to come out on DVD now, which is the only way I can watch shows now. I can’t bear watching things on Sky Atlantic – it’s the principle that bothers me. You’ve paid a subscription and they’re putting in advertisements. If that’s the future of television, we’re all doomed. The future of television is being able to watch a long series one episode after another and have to say ‘Look, we cannot sit here in the middle of the afternoon and watch a fourth episode. We’ve really got to get out.’

A Short History of Everything Else is on Channel 4 on Wednesdays at 10pm from 13th June.

Cardinal Burns Video Interview

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Cardinal and Burns, the blokes behind E4 comedy Cardinal Burns, have a chat about, well, E4 comedy Cardinal Burns.

Cardinal Burns is a new comedy sketch show written and performed by Seb Cardinal and Dustin Demri-Burns. Catch it Tuesdays at 10:30pm on E4. It is brilliant. (Thank God they didn’t call it Cardinal Demri-Burns though).

The Comedy Autopsy Live : You’d have to be dead to miss it!

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You wish you had something to do on Wednesday the 23rd of May from 7PM to 9:45pm? Well that’s Interesting. And you wish it cost £4? This is getting a bit spooky now. Don’t tell me you wish it could be of a comedic nature? You do wish it could be of a comedic nature? Ok let’s try one more check: You wish it was in Peckham? This is freaky. The Comedy Autopsy Live is a comedy event happening in Peckham at The Last Refuge, it starts at 7PM and ends before 10PM and, even better, costs just £4. This is meant to be.

The Comedy Autopsy Live is a live stand up comedy event which incorporates elements of podcasting to enhance the experience and give the event a unique flavour. This is comedy version 2.0 if you will allow us such over confidence. We take the comedy out of the pub and put it in a chilled environment that will scream “comedy unplugged”. We can promise that if you come along we will make jokes go into your ear-holes that will make laughter come out of your mouth-hole. It will make you laugh. And that’s all comedy is.

Why start a comedy night man London like totally is crawling with comedy nights? Yes that’s a good point not real person. The reason is simple: I want too. What you want more? Is that not a bold enough statement of mission? Fine I actually do have one of those. It can be tough for emerging comedians (people starting out) to get longer sets to develop their skills. That’s where we come in. This isn’t open mic, nor is it for the comedic elite to try out new material. And by comedic elite I mean they get paid. No the comedians who will appear on The Comedy Autopsy Live are ones that the good people at Comedy Autopsy HQ find funny because we’ve seen them and they have made us chuckle till we buckled. Every act that appears is a 100% guarantee laugh out loud….comedian. Sorry thought there was something better coming but I went with the obvious.

But if you want a specific reason to come along then I have one or two for you. For a start Amy Howerska and James Loveridge will be previewing their Edinburgh Festival show for us. That’s right an Edinburgh Festival preview makes us sound and feel like a proper comedy night. The second reason is that we have Sarah Callaghan. Sarah is a very talented comedian who while not only a graduate of the prestigious Second City improv comedy group in Chicago has also appeared on Coach trip. And we here at The Comedy Autopsy are not sure which we are more jealous of.

So May 23rd. The Last Refuge. Peckham. A night of awesome live comedy. Only £4. It would be great to see you there. I’d appreciate it and so would the performers. £4.Got to be worth a shot.

PS: While it’s not in a pub you will still be able to buy alcohol. In case you were wondering.

Why you should enter The Lions Den by Richard Wright

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Tuesday nights aren’t exactly the most rocking night of the week. You don’t ever go “man it’s Tuesday that’s fantastic”. But I have something that might change that for you. I come to you with a proposal. I offer you an evening of fun for only £4. I present to you The Lions Den Comedy Car Crash. Held every Tuesday night at Bar Rumba this comedy night provides a great night of stand up in central London for a very reasonable price. This is where I started out and it is a very friendly night for first timers. Let me tell you more.

 

The Lions Den Comedy Car Crash is an open mic night where you will always get the chance to see comedians taking their first baby steps into the world of Comedy. And that’s not all. You are guaranteed a great MC and a mix of acts with variety of experience. You need to know more? Well, umm, they now have comfy chairs which when you are seeing potentially 25-30 acts is something that matters. The downstairs venue at Bar Rumba provides a nice backdrop for the comedy and there are deals on drinks ordered before 8pm.

 

There are some great reasons to come to the Lions Den. Supporting emerging stand up comedy is encouraging and seeing the future of comedy today. I love playing the Lions Den because it is ran well by good people who care. It is a great, friendly atmosphere and worth every penny of the £4 and more but it’s only £4.

 

So to wrap this up – good MC, acts that are honing their skills, brand new acts taking their first steps and all for the price of £4. You should get down and check it out.

 

Find The Lions Den Comedy Car Crash every Tuesday from 7:00pm at 36 Shaftesbury Avenue, London, W1D, 7EP.

Another day, Another new podcast by Richard Wright

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Podcasts. You either love them or you’ve never listened to them. They are the democratisation of radio on the internet where anyone can create and distribute an audio show of their own all over the world via the internet. That was a mouthful. This is clearly why I’m not a professional writer. But if you could stick with this then I promise to try harder. Ok. Much like podcasting let’s just plug it n and begin. It’s not the future of media anymore it’s the absolute present. With shows like AMC’s Comic Book men becoming a TV show based on the antics of a podcast it’s no longer just a bit of something extra. People like Kevin Smith & Joe Rogan have turned podcasting into an art form and a business. There are a lot of podcasts out there and if you want proof of that just check the itunes store when you have a spare minute. The competition for listeners is fierce and now the landscape of podcasting has another voice. Yes another deluded, well intentioned person giving their opinions like people should care what they think. And the person behind that podcast is…me.

I realise you don’t know who I am and that is perfectly understandable. I am an “emerging” Stand Up comedian and part-time writer and director of films. What films have I made? That is none of your business. What films have you made? See. You can’t answer it either. Unless you did in which cause I haven’t seen it. Unless I have in which case I didn’t enjoy it. Unless I did in which case well done. You see the rambling? That’s my podcast. I co-host with another brand spanking new comedian called Richard Casey and our podcast is called The Comedy Autopsy. I do tend to murder quite a lot of jokes, I’m just starting leave me alone, and so hence the name. We talk about comedy, film, stand up, occasional pro wrestling references no one will get and, if this first episode is anything to go by, pigeons. We are planning live podcasts with a bunch of audience interaction for the live crowd where the shows will include stand up for a very reasonable fee. We are going to have guests to talk comedy and film and maybe even pigeons. The podcast will be out every Thursday and will be roughly speaking an hour long. And you know what the really cool part is? It’s free. That’s right free I tells ya. We know we aren’t the funniest podcast in the world but we are funny enough.

I feel at this point I should introduce you to our technician. His name is Steve and not only is he terrible at his job he is also not real. That’s right. We made up a technician. Why? A number of reasons. Firstly it’s funny. It is. No it is. And secondly so that we can take all the negative things people will say about the podcast and blame Steve. It’s not our fault it’s Steve. On our podcast we will be getting to know the speechless one known as Steve through our section called “Apparently Steve” where we will share facts we know about Steve. If you know Steve then you can hashtag on twitter #ApparentlySteve and we will see those and use them in the podcast. Maybe you drink with Steve, share a hobby, once dated Steve or you know his mum. If you do let us know with the hashtag.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank Frost Magazine for this chance to, basically, pimp our podcast in this fine publication. You didn’t have to do and we are happy that you did. Maybe we can work out some kind of sponsorship deal – we’d be very cheap *wink wink*.

(PS: if you have complaints regarding spelling in this article, if you can call it that, then remember it’s all Steve’s fault!)

Reality Tv? Look no further.

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Well, I’ve been away from these wild pages for a short while… I know, I know… it’s been hard for you. Those long winter nights must have been like long winter nights but fear not- stout fellows, for I am reborn in the guise of Reality TV reviewer and blogger, both here on the beautifully popular Frost Magazine and for a brand new website dedicated to everything theatrical: www.stagestatus.co.uk.
As many of you will already know, I’m extremely opinionated so I guarantee I shall be saying stuff that many of you will disagree with, and I’m NOT a performer- of any kind. As I wrote that I could almost hear the luvvies amongst you hissing like vampires in a tanning salon.

Don’t get me wrong, I have ‘connections’ and I am qualified- well enough to write this anyway. I’m not just some fat , northern, gobby bloke who resents the fact that for every Billy Elliot there are thousands of bog-standard plebs still shoveling shit every day and he’s one of them. Neither am I someone who has tried to make it vocally- queued up for X Factor only to be told by some teenager with a clipboard and a lanyard, ‘you’re not even talented enough to be ridiculed’.

I just don’t have the talent to perform… but I can write.

Wherever you get your fix of TV you’ll have about as much chance of avoiding the reality gushing from it as I have of avoiding the reality of man boobs- in other words, it’s way too late so just go with the flow and find someone you can trust to measure your cup size.

That would be me.

I shall be starting in earnest with ‘The Voice’. Currently the biggest TV show in America and already a huge hit in 29 other countries. The BBC have spent 22 million pounds of our money getting it over here so I intend to make sure I get my money’s worth.

Following that I shall be sinking my teeth into the latest ALW search for Jesus in the vain hope that the real thing will turn up and get rejected for not being ‘jesusy enough’ by someone so uptight they have their farts auto-tuned to stop them accidentally attracting sheep dogs.

Until these delicious freak shows- or amazing opportunities to unearth undiscovered gems, depending on your viewpoint, are with us, here’s my view of two of the current crop- just to give you an idea of how I think.

Dancing on Ice: Love it! Want to lose myself in Katarina Witt beyond the reach of even the coast guard and genuinely respect the amount of time and effort the celebrities have had to put into it. Plus, anything with Philip Schofield in is TV gold for me as I like to pretend he’s my actual friend so I’m clocking up TV minutes in his ‘company’ like air miles in the hope it will eventually become official. I’m glad Louie Spence took over from Jason because it was just turning, like so many other Judge-based panel shows, into a showcase for the judges and not the talent. I love Chico as much as any straight man can and I think Jorgie will win because she’s clearly the most talented at the job in hand from every angle. My only bugbear about the little fire cracker is the way she pretends to be a six year old at Alton Towers every time she speaks. “Oh my golly, it was so, so, so, hard and everything! Ooh, I’ve got sparkly on my nosey. Time for bo bo’s. Will you read me a story unky Phil?” And then she goes out and performs with the kind of steely determination that could force the Terminator to re-word his catch phrase to, “I’ll only be back if the public decide to keep me in.” If you can perform like that and are happy to occupy the wank-banks of every lads mag reader in the country then you could at least talk like someone who eats without a bib.

Take me out: With pleasure- I’m just waiting for the bullets I bought on Ebay to arrive and the I’ll be right on it, till then I’m afraid it’s, ‘No ammo- no blammo!’

So there you are.

One thing I will add is that in this age of media submersion- a phrase I just made up so bear with me, reading things like this used to be a one-way street. I wrote stuff then you read it, flushed the bog and went back to work. Nowadays it’s more conversational. We have the ability to respond to the idiotic and clearly misguided views of gits like me and that’s precisely what I want you to do. If you are a performer, or a ‘creative’ or you’re a member of the public (the most important people of all), and you have a view then educate me- tell me that you once worked with the no-mark I’ve just torn to pieces and he/she is actually bloody good and deserves a break.

I’ll be there. I won’t be getting into any slagging matches and I may not have time to respond to every comment but I’ll be about, writing and reading and, most importantly of all, maybe, just maybe (but doubtfully if I’m honest- and I usually am) changing my mind. It can happen and that’s the beauty of a blog on a website over a newspaper column or a TV show.

So please feel free to comment either via the main website forums or on my twitter account @elywhitley because, at the end of the day, your opinion is just as valid as mine and as long as what I write gets people talking, either in agreement or disagreement, then I’ve done my job.

To paraphrase the famous saying: Opinions are like arse holes- everyone’s got one… and even Simon Cowell’s stinks now and again. Also, I tend to communicate through mine so don’t worry if it leaves a nasty taste in your mouth… ever get the feeling you’ve taken an analogy too far?

The voice begins on 24th March so I shall be spewing my thoughts from then onwards- may God have mercy on my soul.