Looking for the Perfect Proposal? Date for Two Years then Pop the Question on Valentine’s Day

Looking for the Perfect Proposal? Date for Two Years then Pop the Question on Valentine’s Day on a Deserted Beach (with a Ring You Chose Together)

  • Two years into relationship best time to pop the question
  • Perfect proposal combines element of surprise, deserted beach and expensive ring
  • Women start losing patience after two years – half would dump a man who hadn’t proposed after five
  • One in four say they’re ‘Proposal Pushers’ who’ll coerce their man into doing the deed, one in ten are POPOs – ‘Propose or Push Offs’
  • Another quarter say marriage is still the ultimate commitment – ahead of having a child

As Valentine’s Day approaches, they’re the questions plaguing many a nervous boyfriend.

You want to ask her to marry you but how do you create the perfect proposal? And when is the right time to do it?

According to a major new courtship survey the ideal way combines old and new traditions and comes after you’ve spent exactly two happy years together.

The research, commissioned by leading drinks brand Lambrini found that one in four women  think a man should be popping the question 24 months into the relationship, with just 15 per cent happy to wait three years.

If you haven’t got round to proposing after five years then don’t bother – almost half (49 per cent) of all those quizzed said if they had to wait that long they’d dump their other half and move on.

Another one in four women (27 per cent) think if you haven’t got engaged by that stage you’re probably never going to, while another one in four (26 per cent) think a man who hasn’t asked is a commitment-phobe.

When it came to popping the question, a deserted beach was the perfect place for proposal – named by almost one in four women (22 per cent) and although it might be considered corny by some, Valentine’s Day is still seen as the most appropriate time to ask for someone’s hand, along with a woman’s birthday (both chosen by nine per cent of women).

An element of surprise (32 per cent), a romantic setting (21 per cent) and getting down on one knee (20 per cent) were also considered crucial, while one in ten women wanted their partner to get their father’s permission.

Just one in ten said having an expensive ring was the important thing and only 30 per cent expected the man to have chosen it for them, with 62 per cent opting to select one together.

People had strong opinions about what makes for a happy engagement too.

Most people – 21 per cent – thought it was important to have had three previous partners before you settle down, while eight per cent said more than ten was more realistic.

Sharing three dates a week and at least two holidays were also essential according to a third of those quizzed, along with surviving a couple of family Christmases (37 per cent) and at least two romantic surprises a year (23 per cent).

But for those who are still waiting, taking a pro-active approach in the run up to Valentine’s Day could pay dividends.

According to the Lambrini Romance Report one in four women identified themselves as ‘Proposal Pushers’ – women who’ll actively engineer a proposal.

As well as dropping heavy hints, they admitted taking their other half to look at rings in the hope of prompting a declaration of love.

One in ten (11 per cent) were less accepting. Calling themselves the POPOs – Propose or Push Offs – they said they’d issue an ultimatum if a partner didn’t seem ready to commit, while one in twenty would end the relationship for good.

Another, more stoical one in ten (11 per cent) said they didn’t care either way.

And despite constant debates about the value of marriage, it seems that British women are still romantics at heart, seeing a proposal it as the ultimate statement of love.

One in four say it is the biggest commitment you can make – on a par with having a child together.

And although co-habiting is popular, it is still seen as less binding, with only 24 per cent saying it was the most important way to validate their relationship.

Even fewer people (5 per cent) thought renting together constituted any kind of commitment.

The research also identified potential problem areas that couples must discuss before deciding to get married.

Topping the list was the desire – or not – to have children, cited by 78 per cent of those quizzed as an essential discussion point.

Where to live (56 per cent), career plans (41 per cent), health issues (40 per cent) and joint bank accounts (38 per cent) were also significant, while almost a third (30 per cent) said ironing out any issues around pets was important too.

Reflecting the changing face of marriage, an overwhelming majority said the most important preparation for getting hitched was living together first.

Almost half of those asked (46 per cent) said a couple needed to co-habit before they tied the knot, followed by enjoying a loved-up ‘honeymoon period’ (46 per cent) and winning over the in-laws (41 per cent).

At the same time people had strong reasons for not marrying – one in five wouldn’t walk down the aisle with someone their family hated and one in eight wouldn’t tie the knot with someone their mates didn’t like.

Speaking about the Lambrini Romance Report findings, brand manager, Lorna Tweed, said: “As we get ready to embrace Valentine’s Day it seems that romance is very much alive and well in the UK.

“At the same time it’s clear that British women know what they want when it comes to relationships, proposals and marriage.

“They want love, surprises and a wedding – and they want it sooner rather than later.

“Women are looking for commitment and loyalty, partnerships that can stand the trials and tribulations of modern life; if a man can provide those then he’s in with a chance.”

Top 10 Common Faults with Human Thought

When you think about it the human mind is an incredible thing. Cognition, the act or process of thinking, enables us to process immense amounts of information in the blink of an eye. Take just walking down your high street for example; you are multi-tasking walking with taking in stimuli such as sound, smell all whilst looking out for the latest offers. You may be consciously thinking about one specific thing, but you brain is processing thousands of subconscious ideas.

Unfortunately our cognition is not perfect, and there are certain judgment errors that we are prone to making, and left unchecked there are certain habits we can fall into with our thinking which can limit our success. In my own journey of change NLP played a huge part as the key statement is ‘That as you think, so you are’. It shares a lot with the field of psychology ideas that ‘Thought is linked to behaviour’.

I’m going to share with you the top ten faults. If any of these ring true for you don’t worry; they happen to everybody regardless of age, gender, education, intelligence. Some of them are well known, others not, but all of them are interesting. I am sure everyone will find that one has happened to them, (I myself have been prone to several) hopefully you recognise when they are making an error in the future.

 

10. Gambler’s Fallacy

The Gambler’s fallacy is the tendency to think that future probabilities are altered by past events, when in reality, they are not. Certain probabilities, such as getting a heads when you flip a (fair) coin, are always the same. The probability of getting a heads is 50%, it does not matter if you’ve gotten tails the last 10 flips. Thinking that the probabilities have changed is a common mistake, especially when gambling. For example, I am playing roulette. The last four spins have landed on black, it has to be red this time right? Wrong! The probability of landing on red is still 47.37% (18 red spots divided by 38 total spots). This may sound obvious, but this bias has caused many a gambler to lose money thinking the probabilities have changed.

 

9. Reactivity

Reactivity is the tendency of people to act or appear differently when they know that they are being observed. In the 1920s, a manufacturing facility commissioned a study to see if different levels of light influenced worker productivity. What they found was incredible, changing the light caused productivity to soar! Unfortunately, when the study was finished, productivity levels decreased to their regular levels. This was because the change in productivity was not due to the light levels, but to the workers being watched. This demonstrated a form of reactivity; when individuals know they are being watched, they are more likely to be motivated to change their behaviour, generally to make themselves look better. Reactivity is a serious problem in research, and has to be controlled in blind experiments (“Blind” is when individuals involved in a research study are purposely withheld information so as not to influence the outcomes).

 

 

8. Pareidolia

Pareidolia is when random images or sounds are perceived as significant. Seeing clouds in the shapes of dinosaurs, the image of Jesus on a slice of bread, or hearing messages when a record is played backward are common examples. The common element is that the stimulus is neutral, it does not have intentional meaning; the meaning is in fact the viewer’s perception and reflects as much about them as the situation. So if you are looking for something like a woman in am image you are much more likely to see just that.

 

7. Self-fulfilling Prophecy

This is perhaps the most powerful fault with human thinking. A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that causes itself to become true. For example, I think my relationship with my significant other is going to fail, so I start acting differently, pulling away emotionally or I refuse to trust them because I have had negative experiences in the past and I think that every partner will cheat on me. Because of my actions, I actually cause the relationship to fail. This is a powerful tool used by so called “psychics” they may implant an idea in your mind and you eventually make it happen because you think it will.

When you start realising this it actually becomes quite shocking. There is an argument to say that Economic Recessions could be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because a recession is 2 quarters of Gross Domestic Product (GDP) decline, you cannot know you are in a recession until you are at least 6 months into one. Unfortunately, at the first sign of decreasing GDP, the media reports a possible recession, people panic and start a chain of events that actually cause a recession.

 

6. Halo effect

The Halo effect is the tendency for an individual’s positive or negative trait to “spill over” to other areas of their personality in others’ perceptions of them. This bias happens a lot in employee performance appraisals. For example: my employee, Biff, has been late to work the past three days; I notice this and conclude that Biff is lazy and does not care about his job. There are many possible reasons why Biff was late, perhaps his car broke down, his babysitter did not show up, or there has been bad weather. The problem is, because of one negative aspect that may be out of Biff’s control, I assume that he is a bad worker.

The Physical Attractiveness Stereotype is when people assume that attractive individuals possess other socially desirable qualities, such as happiness, success and intelligence. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when attractive people are given privileged treatment such as better job opportunities and higher salaries.

 

5. Group Polarisation

Sometimes called Herd Mentality or Mob Mentality, this is the tendency to adopt the opinions and follow the behaviours of the majority to feel safer and to avoid conflict. At its most common form this is none other than peer pressure. We see Herd Mentality in recent incidents such as the riots, but do you notice it at Christmas when everyone wants the latest toy or is perhaps looking at the latest fashion? Creating a must have attitude in consumers is the staple diet of Marketing execs and if they can create it even through viral exposure they will at any cost; all it takes is a group of people who think something is cool, and it catches on.

 

4. Reactance

Reactance is the urge to do the opposite of what someone wants you to do out of a need to resist a perceived attempt to constrain your freedom of choice. This is common with rebellious teenagers, but any attempt to resist authority due to perceived threats to freedom and/or choice is reactance. The individual may not have a need to do the specific behaviour, however the fact that they cannot do it makes them want to.

Reverse psychology is an attempt to influence people using reactance. Tell someone (particularly children) to do the opposite of what you really want, and they will rebel and actually end up doing what you want.

 

3. Hyperbolic Discounting

Hyperbolic discounting is the tendency for people to prefer a smaller, immediate payoff over a larger, delayed payoff. Much research has been done on decision-making, and many factors contribute to the individual decision making process. Interestingly, delay time is a big factor in choosing an alternative. Put simply, most people would choose to get £20 today instead of getting £100 one year from today. Assume that the interest rate is 9%, at this interest rate, a rational person would be indifferent to taking £91.74 now, or £100 a year from now. However, it is interesting how much less we are willing to take immediately rather than wait, would you rather have £100 a year from now, or £50 immediately? How about £40 immediately? Where do you draw the line?

There are huge connotations for a society who thinks this way. Just imagine how many people are putting off their pensions because they would rather have the money now than to start saving. Just imagine how many people are getting into debt because of quick fire loans of £1443% apr – Yes I have seen them.

My personal nickname for this is P.I.G – Personal Immediate Gratification and I don’t mind saying that it is the one that I had the most problems with. Essentially it is the ability to put off immediate gratification in favour of a longer term gain. If you read Frost regularly I’ll have more on this in the next few months

 

 

2. Escalation of Commitment

Escalation of commitment is the tendency for people to continue to support previously unsuccessful endeavours. With all the decisions people have to make, it is unavoidable that some will be unsuccessful. Of course, the logical thing to do in these instances is to change that decision or try to reverse it. However, sometimes individuals feel compelled not only to stick with their decision, but also to further invest in that decision because they have sunk costs. For example, say you use half of your life savings to start a business. After 6 months, it is evident that the business is going to be unsuccessful. The logical thing to do would be to “cut your losses” and drop the business. However, due to the sunk costs of your life savings, you feel committed to the business and invest even more money into the project hoping that the additional cash will turn the business around.

Just to be clear on this – faltering on the border of failure is not always a bad thing; many successful people I know have come close to bankruptcy many times, many relationships have bordered on the edge of breakdown and in many cases people come through stronger and more educated than before; in fact some would say failure is almost a pre-requisite to success. The key becomes knowing when to walk away and when to stay.

 

1. Placebo Effect

Number one in my book has to be the Placebo effect. This is when an ineffectual substance that is believed to have healing properties produces the desired effect. Especially common with medications, the placebo effect has been observed when individuals given a sugar pill for a real ailment reported improvement. Placebos are still very much a scientific mystery. It is theorised that placebos cause an “Expectancy Effect”, (In cases of uncertainty, expectation is what is most likely to happen) individuals expect the pills to cure their ailments, so they feel cured. However, this does not explain how the ineffectual pills actually cause a reduction in symptoms.

The term “Placebo” is used when the outcomes are considered favourable or positive, when the outcomes are negative or harmful; the term is called “Nocebo”

How To Know When Its The Right Time To Get Married.

William_and_Kate_weddingWith royal wedding fever hitting an all time high there is a high number of women wondering if there boyfriend will pop the question. Kate waited by Prince Williams side for nearly a decade, earning herself the nickname ‘waity Katy’. It would seem that Kate, or Catherine as she now wants to be called, has had the last laugh. However, not all women want to get married, or remain undecided. While most men need quite a bit of a push in my experience. So, when is it the right time to make the commitment? What do you need to know first? Read the point below to find out if now is the right time to get married.

Are you in love?

There are many reasons why people think they should get married. Whether its peer pressure or because you have kids. Truth is, there is only one reason why you should get married: You’re in love. As long as you love someone it does not matter what life throws at you. They are the constant in your life. If you are unsure whether or not you’re in love; you’re not. If you are unsure if your boyfriend loves you, ask him or read this: How to tell if your boyfriend loves you

Are they your final emotional destination?

When you marry someone you are not just sharing your life, but also your soul and your DNA. You are forever joining together. Marriage is something to be taken seriously, do you really want to be with this person? It’s okay to have doubts, we all do. It is always possible that Angelina Jolie or George Clooney will want to marry you later, but the thing is; if you have found someone who loves you and you love them back you are blessed, people spend lifetimes trying to find the love of their lives. Don’t throw that away.

Are you just sliding into it?

Do you really want to get married or are you just sliding into it? Marriage is a mistake that’s hard to get out of unscathed – whether that be emotionally or financially. Being in a loveless marriage is something nobody should have to put up with. Don’t just get married because your mother is nagging you.

Do you just want a big day?

They say the most important day in a women’s life is her wedding day. I like to think this isn’t true, but it is still something women, and men!, buy into. After the dress, the presents and the honeymoon you will have to spend the rest of your life with this person. Not really worth one glamorous day.

Are you getting married because you (think) you are cracking on a bit?

Getting married because your nearly thirty isn’t a good enough reason. Although a women’s biological clock doesn’t work in her favour, marrying someone you don’t love – or worse, having a kid with someone you don’t love; a child ties you to that person forever- just because you feel pressure from society or your mother will never make you happy. Think of all the other thing you could do with your life; travel, focus on your career, study. There is a big world out there. You don’t need a husband (or wife) for that.

Do you know each other? Does the other person listen?

You have to know the person you are marrying. Can you communicate with them? Can you talk openly? If you tell your partner that something annoys you do they make the effort to change? If someone love you they will do anything they can to keep you around, they will care about your thoughts and feelings. You also have to accept the other person, good and bad.

And another thing…

 

Talk about finance, children, future goals together. It’s okay to be nervous, to be unsure, relationships are hard, but if you really love the person you are with, what are you waiting for?

The Wedding Survival Guide: How To Plan Your Big Day Without Losing Your Sanity is available in printebook and Kindle. The Kindle version is only £2.99.