I’m all addicted and confused. My addiction is to a certain bottled narcotic called “Dr. Pepper”. My confusion is…see… what in the hell is Dr. Pepper anyway?

I’ve thought; for years and years; that it was Cherry Coke’s rival. Pepsi vs. Coke, Tango vs. Orangina, 7up vs. Sprite and of course Lilt vs…Well, Dr. Pepper vs. Cherry Coke was another carbonated beverage based rivalry. Apparently I’m wrong. Dr. Pepper is technically classed as a “pepper-flavoured” drink. (Technically = Wikipedia verified) Pepper. Um…what? Now I’m no bald-headed glasses warer from Master Chef, but I know what pepper tastes like. It tastes like fucking pepper. DOCTOR pepper tastes like a slightly sweeter cherry cola. Am I wrong?

CEO W.W. Clements once said: “I’ve always maintained you cannot tell anyone what Dr Pepper tastes like because it’s so different. It’s not an apple, it’s not an orange, it’s not a strawberry, it’s not a root beer, and it’s not even a cola. It’s a different kind of drink with a unique taste all its own.”

Nope. It’s cherry. Fuck! Plus, it was patented in 1885 by…yes you guessed it…Charles Alderton. Oh, sorry gentle reader, were you expecting someone else? A certain medical practitioner with a rather spice-racky surname? SO, WHO THE FUCK IS DOCTOR PEPPER? There is much conjecture on the matter of the name, (is it from “pepsin”, or any number of quack-physicians that carry the name Pepper etc.) and I know I should just shut up and enjoy the drink but…Why not call it something else? Please? For my sanity