Tag Archives: Dillon

Wendy's baby diary – Six months! – Guilt, isolation and men

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Six months old

Dillon was six months old on Monday the 3rd October 2011. A lot has happened in this first six months including his christening , baby swimming classes, health centre visits and weigh ins, the
dog eating the midwifes shoes, the whole experience of giving birth, going to University, starting my website http://www.femalearts.com, being off work, weaning the baby, his milestones including Dillon getting his first baby teeth, sitting up, rolling around on the floor, playing with his feet, smiling and laughing and interacting with objects and people.

I’d like to thank Catherine Balavage at Frost Magazine for offering me this blank canvas to write about Dillon. I wanted to document these moments so that in the future I can look back (hopefully Dillon will also read it) and have a record of this wonderful, life changing time.

It’s been a brilliant six months but it’s also been tiring, stressful and a lot of hard work. I’ve said in my diary about how the baby is progressing, the goods, toys and clothes we have bought for him, what activities he is enjoying and how he’s developing but I don’t think I’ve said so much about my feelings. The following topics have been on my mind recently…

Men with babies

Recently there has been a couple of TV Doctors with babies – Doc Martin has a baby, James Cordon was left holding the baby in Doctor Who – portraying what it feels like for the dad to be the primary carer –the Doctor Who story was about panic and fluster with the conclusion that dads
are actually protective loving individuals and the mums are competent women who make lists and mother both their partner and baby.

Nothing is that clear cut and I’m not sure there is a big gender difference in the way we are parents, it may just boil down to the amount of physical time spent with the baby = the more you know them = the more competent you become at dealing with them.

The only thing that aggravates me with stories on TV about dads coping alone with babies is that there aren’t an equivalent number of stories about mums coping alone with babies. Because it isn’t all confident list making and natural mothering instincts, it’s often panic, confusion, stress,
isolation and guilt.

Isolation

It’s lonely being a stay at home mum. Even though it is through choice I miss chatting to colleagues, I miss talking to my husband, I miss my family, and I miss my friends. Having another adult in the house during the day (e.g. when relatives have come to stay and at the weekend when the baby’s dad is at home) makes so much difference to my life. All the bags of stuff needed
to carry around for the baby, all the preparation that’s needed before I can leave the house, all the attention and love and care that Dillon needs – is so much easier when it’s shared.

Recently I have realised I need to make more of an effort to see my friends – especially friends who are available in the daytime. Getting out daily with the dog and the baby for walks and taking baby to classes or shopping is something but it’s not the same as being with people who know and care about me, who I can have a proper conversation with.

I can see why going back to work begins to look appealing because you can start to be yourself again and have adult interaction without constantly thinking about the baby’s needs and their safety. But employment means childcare. Which brings me onto my next subject – guilt.

Guilt

As a parent there is one thing you can be certain of – a steady almost constant feeling of guilt. I think it stems from conflict between personal needs/wants and that of your child.  My current guilty feelings are – guilt for using formula, guilt for starting weaning before six months, guilt for not weaning successfully, guilt for not establishing a pattern (of eating/sleeping), guilt for trying to establish a pattern, guilt for not living up to other people’s parenting expectations, guilt for not
returning to work yet, guilt for arranging childcare, guilt for doing my master’s degree, guilt for not being sure, guilt over baby’s eczema not clearing up, guilt for letting the dog spend time with baby, guilt for separating dog from baby, guilt for daily dressing of baby in babygro’s in attempt to stop skin contact with whatever is causing the eczema, guilt for not taking enough photos of baby, guilt for not posting all the thank you cards yet, guilt for not buying enough things for baby, guilt for spending so much money, guilt for wanting my boobs back, guilt that he cries a lot, guilt whenever I let him cry before going to him, guilt that I’m spending time writing this!

There’s too much guilt, worry, anxiety and the only consolation is the thought that other people may be feeling the same way.

Self-Medication

One of the best ways to cope is summed up with a quote from my friend BenJohn’s facebook update.

“Youngsters, you probably think booze is for enjoying and having fun. Let me assure you it is a medicine for those with children to let them relax in the gaps when they’re asleep.”

© Wendy Thomson 2011

Wendy Thomson is the editor of www.femalearts.com an online publication which promotes women in the arts and in business.

Wendy's baby diary – baby scans

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Wendy’s baby diary – 26 weeks (5 months 3 weeks)

Pregnant memories

So much happens when you’re pregnant and I felt like I’d
remember everything but once you’ve given birth all you think about is the baby
and you start to forget cravings, indigestion, swollen feet, back ache and baby’s internal movements. So while I’m thinking about it I’ll record some pregnancy memories in this baby
diary.

Scans

Standard scan times are 12 weeks pregnant, then 20 weeks.
A lot of mums will only have these two
scans. We had more scans for personal reasons – I first saw Dillon at 6 weeks
old and he was just a heartbeat then.  Another
scan at 8 weeks and he looked like a little piglet, at 13 weeks like Skeletor
from He-Man, at 20 weeks like a normal baby and at 23 weeks we paid for a
private 4D scan at www.future-babies.co.uk  It was a great experience In some ways as his
grandmother-to-be attended and was able to see Dillon’s muscles and face as
well as his internal organs. We had a DVD made which was not very good – it was
recorded at double speed not real time so all his movements were too fast. They
also put music over his heartbeat recording so it’s not audible. And they got his
sex wrong.

A final scan at 32 weeks to find out if Dillon was breech
and by now he was so big you could only see half of his body on the screen at
any one time.

Off meat

For about 10 weeks of my pregnancy I didn’t eat meat –
red or white. The look, smell and taste of meat made me feel sick. There was
something about the dead flesh that repulsed me.  That was a short lived veggie experience.

Baby Swimming

Dillon had cried in the last two sessions but his 30
minute swimming lesson went much better this week and he was dunked underwater
3 times. We booked his lessons through www.babyswimming.co.uk
and my husband does the class. Quite a lot of dads have been ‘nominated’ to do
the lesson – for us it is a good opportunity for some father son bonding as the
swimming lesson is on a Saturday. Dillon is so tired afterwards he sleeps for a
good hour and we get to eat out while he has his nap.

BBQ

Speaking of eating out we went to a friend’s bbq at the
weekend and saw some friends for the first time since I gave birth . Even
though you know having children will change your life I don’t think you
appreciate how much, and when friends organise get togethers in the daytime you
say a silent prayer of thanks, as it gives both parents the opportunity to
attend.  Evening activities mean that one
or the other or usually neither of us get to go. There’s a big lifestyle shift
from being single to being in a relationship, to moving in / getting married to
having children – you get more familiar with four particular walls.

Clothes

Buying a size larger for the baby has backfired, he’s now wearing outfits that are falling off him. Babies are tricky!

© Wendy Thomson 2011

Wendy Thomson is the editor of www.femalearts.com an online publication
which promotes women in the arts and in business.

Wendy’s Baby Diary – 25 weeks (or 5 months 2 weeks). Nevermind.

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There’s been a break from the baby diary after a long holiday with no internet, and when I got home I continued to abstain for a while.  But like all pleasurable things it was difficult to give it up for long.

Baby Swimming

The latest event for the baby is swimming lessons. He’s
been twice now and each time cried and been quite upset. We’re puzzled because
he enjoys his bath times, and he kicks in the bath, smiles, even laughs but swimming
is not a hit.  Maybe it’s because he gets dunked in the pool by the teacher, or because there are a lot of other babies crying, and it’s all a bit confusing. But apparently babies like swimming underwater.
Speaking of which (I’m reliably informed) the baby on the cover of Nirvana’s
Nevermind album is 20 years old now and was only paid $25 dollars. On the plus
side he’ll never be embarrassed by his parents getting out the family album.

Weaning

We’ve not tried many different foods yet, so far it’s
been purees of carrot & potato, apple & banana, Farley’s rusks and baby
rice. Dillon still prefers milk, formula or breastmilk. I’d like to get him off
‘the boob’ as night-times can be pretty tiring. But I’ll miss it when
breastfeeding stops. Not sure when but definitely before he can say “ham
sandwich”.

Eczema

Dillon gets a really bad rash on the back of his legs when he sits in his Bumbo chair – so he may have an allergy to latex. Or it may just be a baby thing. I’ve tried Sudocrem, then Diprobase, now hydrocortisone, which seems to be working.  Lots of baby have rashes and sensitive skin in general as they gradually get used to all the different things in the environment. Hopefully it will clear up by he’s 12, in time for teenage acne.

NCT

I’m a member of the National Childbirth Trust which provides antenatal classes for new parents-to-be, and is probably the best way to get to know people who are having children at the same time as you. We take it in turns to host monthly coffee mornings – or afternoons! It’s invaluable to
have other people going through something the same time you are and to share
your feelings of confusion, guilt, joy, and fatigue. The dads haven’t seen each
other since the mums were pregnant but I’m sure they’ll meet again.

NCT classes really push breastfeeding and there is a lot to say on the subject – I wrote an article about the pros and cons vs formula here http://www.femalearts.com/node/49 – I think it is
difficult to breastfeed exclusively and take my hat off to anyone who’s managed
it.

Highchair

Was assembled today and Dillon sat proudly in his new
throne, played with his toy and ate his puree. It’s a Cosatto Noodle Zuton if
that means anything to anyone. It’s got different heights and vertical
settings, a big tray with different shape compartments, is big enough to
prevent the baby from knocking stuff off the table which he was doing before whenever
we had dinner. I’ve purchased a load of plastic glasses for me and hubbie, in
an attempt to avoid glass breakages.  I’m sure things will get worse the more mobile the baby gets and the house will slowly disintegrate (at the same time as my hair going grey and my husband’s
hair falling out). No one tells you how glamorous parenting is.

 

© Wendy Thomson 2011

Wendy Thomson is the editor of www.femalearts.com an online publication
which promotes women in the arts and in business.

Wendy's Baby Diary: 17 Weeks

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Hi, I’m Wendy. I’m in my thirties and I have a 17-week-old baby called Dillon.

I’m going to keep a weekly blog on what’s been happening with Dillon, which will hopefully be helpful to anyone who’s pregnant or has a young baby themselves. And I’m also hoping that it will be a great record for him to read when he grows up – or possibly just plain embarrassing.  :o)

In the meantime, if you have a baby or pregnancy-related question you would like answered, you can contact me via frostmag or email editor@femalearts.com and I’ll reply via this blog.

Christening

We recently had Dillon Christened, which was a great day and a good event for extended family and friends to officially welcome Dillon into the world, as well as the church. If you’re not religious. a naming day is a good alternative. A Chinese friend told me they have a tradition of celebrating when the baby is 100 days old.

I think having an official day to celebrate your baby when they are approximately three months old is good for many reasons. Immediately after the birth is too soon to be bombarded with well-wishers. You need time and some privacy to get used to your new arrival yourselves, with perhaps just close friends and relatives. But if you leave a bigger get together until their first birthday, they’re no longer a small helpless baby, but moving about and possibly talking, and even walking.

So, the three month mark is a good compromise. Not so young that you can’t cope, but not so old that the relatives think they have missed out. Three months also seems to be the age that babies appear on TV or book covers as the standard image of a baby. When they’re born, they look too small – because we’re not used to seeing them that size!

Goods

We all know that children are expensive. They shouldn’t be, but we live in a consumer society and we are anxious parents who want our children to be safe, well-educated and stimulated. Guilt sells so many items!

I hate the parent guilt trip, so please do whatever makes sense to you, as parental instinct will see you right. However, I am happy to recommend products that have worked for me and Dillon.

Pampers – You can try other brands of nappies and we did – cheaper, store own brands. And the baby’s shit leaked everywhere. Pampers do a great job of keeping everything in, so long as you change the nappy regularly (after a feed or every two to three hours).

Nappies in general – Make sure your baby is wearing the right size. This changes quickly. Dillon is nearly four months old and in size three, so that’s nearly one size change a month. Buying in bulk may seem like a good idea, as they can get through as many as 12 nappies a day! But you could end up with a lot of nappies left over, as they grow so fast. Of course, you could go down the eco-route and buy washable Terry nappies. I think our environment is important, but I had to draw a line.

Clothes – Similar to nappies. Don’t be tempted to buy loads of newborn outfits. If your baby is born at an average weight (anywhere between 5-8lbs) they may only be in newborn clothes for a matter of weeks. Then the next size of clothes (0-3 months) will only last another couple of months before they’re into the next size (3-6 months). I find it hard to believe that an entire new set of clothes are required every three months. Why hasn’t someone invented adjustable clothes that last six months or a year? But this is capitalism at its best, so be careful and don’t get carried away buying expensive outfits which will only be worn a few times.

Bumbo – Funny sounding seat that is brilliant for babies once they can hold their head and want to sit upright. It is ergonomically designed to hold the baby in place and they seem very happy in their throne. Dillon used his for the first time today and was so delighted, he christened it in the typical ‘throne’ manner (perhaps potty training will go well). I have a lot of chairs for Dillon, some better than others. We live in a three-storey town house, so I want one baby chair on each floor to avoid having to carry chairs up and down the stairs – as well as the baby.

Fisher Price Aquarium Take Along Swing – This is a musical chair that Dillon really enjoys sitting in for about 15 minutes, before he gets bored or frustrated! This was a used gift from friends of my in-laws. I recommend not buying everything new for a baby. It is too expensive and these items take up a lot of space. But if you don’t know where an item has come from (e.g. not passed down by relatives or friends) then of course take precautions and check the product thoroughly for safety. And if in doubt, don’t use it. However, the only items that should always be brand new are your baby’s cot mattress and car seat.

What’s new this week

Dillon is now rolling himself onto his side and his front. It came to light when my husband asked me if I’d put Dillon to bed on his front. “Of course not,” I replied indignantly (as this is a known cause of cot death) we turned him onto his back, and he immediately flipped himself onto his front again!

It’s a good thing for babies to do this (when awake) because they are getting ready to crawl.

Until next time – happy parenting,
Wendy.

© Wendy Thomson 2011
http://www.femalearts.com