Tag Archives: Disappointment

Parenting Gender Truths: Do Mums Want Boys or Girls?

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childbirth, birth, labour, labour tips, labor, childbirth book, what to expect, catherine BalavageTwice as many mums want baby girls over boys 

  • 39% of mums wish for girls compared to just 18% for boys – but dads are three times more likely to want sons

 

  • Four in five mums say a gender preference is normal – but still taboo to talk about

 

  • A quarter admit to feeling very disappointed if child is wrong sex, with three per cent bravely admitting it affected their ability to bond with their child

 

  • One boy / one girl is seen as the nation’s ideal family – but 18% of families have suffered negative comments about their family’s gender mix

 

  • Over a third of modern mums plan ‘Gender Reveal’ parties – but modern trend for instant family ‘Pink & Blue’ twins putting parents under pressure

 

IT MAY BE a man’s world – but modern mums are twice as likely to want daughters over sons, a new study from parenting site ChannelMum.com shows.

 

Two in five mothers (39%) said they wished for a girl while pregnant, compared to just 18 per cent who hoped for a son. But for fathers the reverse is true, with men a whopping three times more likely to want boys. A huge 31 per cent of men expressed the preference to have sons, while only one in ten wanted a daughter.
While four in five mums (80%) said they believe it’s normal to have a preference on the gender of your child, the report revealed the subject is still strictly taboo with few families willing to admit it.
Of the 2,189 mums polled, over a third (36%) didn’t tell anyone they had a gender preference, and under half (48%) confided in their partner. Only a third (33%) admitted their feelings to their own family. However, the desire for a certain sex is so strong that only 18 per cent of mums claimed to feel ‘guilty’ for wanting their favoured gender.

The study also showed parents are now so desperate to discover their child’s gender that almost two thirds of parents (62%) find out at a scan, while only 38 per cent remain on ‘Team Yellow’ – the modern code for not finding out your baby’s gender until birth. And over a third (35%) of pregnant mums now plan ‘gender reveal’ events or parties complete with pink or blue-hued balloons and cakes.

However, a quarter of mums quizzed admitted to feeling ‘very disappointed’ if their child was the ‘wrong’ gender. (24%). Bravely, a further three per cent even admitted this affected their ability to bond with their child long-term.

This disappointment means two in five mums (41%) say they tried for second child to get ‘right’ sex, while 26 per cent opted for a third and 10 per cent kept going for four or more children. A further six per cent would even fly abroad for gender selection IVF which is currently illegal in the UK.

Worryingly, 18 per cent of families have had negative comments on the gender mix of their children, with close family and mother-in-laws most likely to make rude jibes, followed by strangers and then friends.

The study also unveiled the nation’s ideal family as one girl / one boy, voted for by 54% of mums quizzed. But 15 per cent of mums claim the growing celebrity trend to have ‘pink and blue twins’ – like Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt, Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez – is putting pressure on normal mums.
Two in five mums polled said the ‘PBT’ phenomenon is being used to make working mums to have an ‘instant family’ and take less time away from the workplace, and 15 per cent had even felt pressured to try for mixed-sex twins themselves.

But despite so many parents favouring one gender over another, surprisingly just three per cent of parents polled tried to ‘sway’ the sex of the child. The most popular method was timing sex, followed by eating a special diet and even calculating dates to conceive using astrology.

The study also revealed the most common reasons for wanting a certain sex.

Top Reasons for Wanting Girls

  1. Girls stay closer to their parents when she grows up (41%)
  2. Girls more fun to dress up (40%)
  3. Girls are better behaved (7%)

 Top Reasons for Wanting Boys

  1. Boys are easier (14%)
  2. Boys are more fun to play with (9%)
  3. Cultural reasons (4%)

Siobhan Freegard, founder of ChannelMum.com said: “Boy or girl – every child is a blessing, but the issue of gender disappointment is something we need to talk about and bring into the open. With mums and dads often at odds about the gender they really want, one parent will usually end up disappointed, so we must ensure families have the support they need to bond with their baby. It’s worth remembering a child isn’t their gender – they are their own people with their own personality. So whatever the gender, let your child be who they are, not what you hoped them to be.”

http://www.channelmum.com/topic/gender-reveals/

The 12 Pitfalls of Christmas And How To Avoid Them

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vivienne_imgWhen a relationship is already struggling , Christmas can intensify that struggle. Instead of being a happy celebratory time, Christmas completely drains the joy. If you are already feeling a little under the strain and under supported, this article is for you.

The 12 pitfalls of Christmas and how to avoid them

 1 Too High An Expectation

We all have the wish for the perfect, romantic moment with the perfect gift when all our Christmas fantasies come true. There is an enormous sense of expectation on the big day and a lot of people aiming for perfection. This quest for perfection and the best Christmas ever can drain us and render both our Christmas and our partner’s efforts a disappointment. We all deserve to be happy and sometimes happiness is best reached when we stop the pressure. High expectations usually only lead to …..

2 Disappointment

The disappointment can be crushing because it feels so symbolic, as though if we are unhappy even at Christmas then we must be fundamentally miserable together. We can feel that “we” as a couple don’t want the same things in life just because “we” don’t want the same things at Christmas.

Perhaps we need to compromise our expectations, agree on how we will spend our time and efforts. “Good enough” can be very happy indeed. Decide to do something lovely for each other, so you both experience your special moment, so that potential disappointments can be curbed this Christmas.

 3 Negative Mindset

If we feel we’ve over-compromised or that we’re taken for granted before we start, then we enter into any conversation with a negative attitude which sets us up to have an argument or to fail in general.

If we look for the negatives and only notice events or things that are less than perfect this can lead to……

4 Over reaction

We all have the ability to massively over react. If we are tense to begin with, then the seemingly small stuff can push us over the edge from calm and composed to tantrum and distress. The number of people that argue over the practicalities of Christmas is probably close to 100%.

One particularly stressful practicality is packing the car. Let’s face it, this is basically an argument in a boot!  Mindset is key when it comes to the arduous errands around Christmas. If you find yourself thinking “what a nightmare all this stuff is” and “no way is it all going to fit into the car” …. Think about this before the day of travel and also turn that around to think “how great that we can give so many presents” and “This is going to be so much fun”.

After all, why spend all this time and energy and money buying the presents if you’re going to complain about packing them and the subsequent journey?

Some people have better spatial awareness than others …. be honest with yourself … how good are you at filling every crevice efficiently?  If the other person insists on doing it, let them get stuck before you wade in with your suggestions.

 5 Who’s rule is it anyway?

Christmas can seem as though it comes with an invisible but very real rule book. This rule book to be based on absolutes about the fundamental questions such as, ‘Who to spend Christmas Day with?’   Often families feel they must spend Christmas together.  Christmas Day seems to be symbolic of family and therefore if you don’t spend it with your family, you feel judged that you aren’t behaving in an accepted way. These emotionally laden rules lead to …..

6 Stress in various relationships

Many couples argue over whose parents’ turn it is to visit, and whose tradition to follow.  It may seem uncharitable and selfish to spend time with people whose company you actually enjoy.
Just because you’ve spent it with one set of people for the past 5 years, doesn’t mean you would be insulting anyone to have a change.  Handling that situation need not be as difficult as you may fear it is.

Family dynamics go into over drive. Various family members can battle over status and following certain traditions can equate to personal victories or be perceived as slights. Siblings can start to regress into squabbles befitting adolescence not middle age!

Everything can feel as though there is a hidden agenda and negative communication; even gift giving can be perceived as point scoring.  Christmas day can be reduced into a competitive battle ground with everyone trying to assert their status, for example, who’s in charge, who carves, whose pudding is better, who wouldn’t have bought the pudding but made it from scratch, whose present is more expensive, better thought out?  Competitiveness creeps in to cause many underlying feelings of guilt and undermining. Christmas is reduced to a series of unpleasant negotiations.

Focusing on how you and your partner really want to spend Christmas in a fashion that will make you truly happy is the key to sidestepping the unpleasantness. Thinking about happiness as the goal of the day and not point proving or following arduous tradition keeps you on the right track.

7  Quest for perfection

Women can often feel that how well they “do” Christmas is symbolic of how much they love and how good a wife and homemaker they are.  Women can end up putting so much pressure on themselves to get it all perfect that they set themselves up to fail, because they become stressed and grumpy therefore less fun to be around. This stress can lead to ….

8  Feeling Overwhelmed

FUN is the point of Christmas for most of us.  So, if the process of preparation drains the joy of the day, then your priorities are misconstrued however well intentioned.

Children and even partners only notice the stress – they don’t know the difference between good enough and perfection. So halve your “to do” list and go without some of the food and events but do what you are doing with a smile and you will enjoy it to and so will they!

9  Feeling Lonely  

Generally, husbands/male partners tend to care and plan somewhat less and the other partner feels “slighted”  or dismissed … that what they want to talk about is irrelevant … and this feeling of being ignored leads to ….

10  A sense of isolation

We can all feel lonely in a crowded room and never more so than at Christmas. This sense of isolation and being on your own with everything can cause stress. You can feel as though you need to take responsibility for Christmas and the emotional wellbeing of everyone and this becomes overwhelming.

Christmas and its scripts can put emotions and relationships into intense mode …. you’re supposed to feel joy and it can work to the contrary by making you feel more lonely, less connected, less valued, more miserable.

Communication is key to avoiding this pitfall. Talk to your partner about what you need to. However, you also need to talk to yourself. Strategize your efforts so that they will pay off and not completely frazzle you. If you don’t get the help you need, do less. Be fair on yourself too so that you don’t feel alone with it all this Christmas.

11  Working too hard

One partner feels taken for granted.  One partner isn’t pulling the same weight in effort as the other.  It feels symbolic that “if my partner doesn’t care as much about Xmas as I do, that means he/she doesn’t love me”. This sense of disproportion within the relationship can lead to….

12  Arguments and Disappointment

Overall, there are high expectations and the whole feeling of pressure to make this the “absolutely perfect family day” … and then add some alcohol to that and emotions quickly rise to the surface causing tension.

So logistic planning is helpful eg who’s going to contribute foodwise/drinkswise/presents …. all of this needs careful discussion beforehand.

Financially, parents tend to spend lots of money on their kids and then that sometimes leaves less for your partner’s present eg combining a Christmas present with a birthday present … it becomes a financial transaction rather than a giving or romantic one.  This is not a positive attitude to present-giving unless fully agreed with the receiver.

It is a very extended time together from eg 10 am – 9pm or even longer when visiting relatives far away which means an overnight stay is included.  So if it’s someone you don’t see regularly because you don’t want to, that too brings huge pressure of interaction to spend 36-48 hours with those people.

If you feel your relationship is coming to an end, then buying presents for the maybe “last Xmas” feels like a death looming.
How to step over these pitfalls

Whatever you decide, make that a positive decision.  Go into the situation with a positive mindset …. set it up to succeed.

Think about it – any time you meet a person who is complaining, down on themselves, or generally miserable, then your heart sinks and you don’t feel so good.

When you are greeted by someone who is smiling, open and interested, you feel their energy and the joy begins.
Prepare as best you can regarding travel logistics, presents without going into huge debt and agreeing who makes the gravy.  Have all the necessary conversations so that everyone’s expectations are met.

If there are still some issues, this is where you have to decide whether you are going to spend time with these people or not.  And if you decide that you are going to be with them, then this is when you decide how you are going to feel and behave.  If you go in with a smile on your face, you will feel happier and your experience will be happier.

We can all survive and even enjoy Christmas 2013!

Mindset is the key to a happy and fun Christmas Day.

Wishing you a happy Christmas Day.

From: Vivienne Goldstein (Relationship Coach) and
Dr Lucy Atcheson (Psychologist)

We hope this article is helpful. If you would like some bespoke therapeutic support for your relationship at one of our workshops supporting women to enhance their relationships please contact us at

Lucy@counsellingpsychologistlondon.com or Viv@viviennegoldstein.com