Tag Archives: dr gian gonzaga

The Ghost of Relationships Past

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The old phrase ‘lesson learnt’ is never truer than after the end of a relationship. With each heart break we experience we take something different from it. But do we ever truly move on if we keep repeating the mistakes of our past relationships?

Relationship expert for online match maker eHarmony.co.uk, Dr Gian Gonzaga says “sometimes people lose faith in finding love because they seem to be continually attracted to the ‘wrong’ type of people”.  According to Gonzaga, at times it can seem as though no matter how hard we try we end up with the same problems but with different people, like magnets that attract the same situation over and over again.  It’s time we examine where we are going wrong and eradicate the real issue, to really be able to move on and find lasting love.

So excavate the past to create a different future for yourself:

The common denominator

Look at all your past relationships, write them down if it helps, and ask yourself these questions about each one. What attracted you to the person in the first place? What caused the relationship to end? Were there signs early on in the relationship that there were problems but you ignored them?

Old relationships are never wasted, they are a rich source of information which you can go back over to discover what you could do differently in the future. Be really honest with yourself and try to look at the relationship from an outsider’s point of view. What you are looking for is the similarities between them to see if there is a pattern.

Is the thing that attracts the thing that destroys?

Are you attracted to creative, emotionally unavailable men and then the relationship ends because you don’t get enough attention? Or are you drawn to bright, bubbly women but then fail to get very far because you feel threatened when she flirts with your mates?

Look at the people who have qualities that you find attractive – not just the ones you have had relationships with but also people in the media, friends etc. What is it in them that you find attractive? Then look at yourself and develop those qualities in yourself rather than waiting for someone else to come and make you feel that way.

Don’t fall for someone’s potential

This is the most common mistake that people make in relationships. They meet someone and they fall in love with what they ‘could be’ rather than what they ‘are’ today. They believe that if they love this person enough; give them lots of encouragement, support and everything they need in order to blossom that they will have a wonderful relationship together. Although this often comes from a loving place it is starting a relationship from the basis of wanting to change the other person rather than accepting and loving them as they are. It is a great feeling to be the hero or heroine in another person’s life but it is rarely going to lead to a healthy relationship because the basis of the relationship isn’t equal.

Look in the mirror

When a relationship ends it can be comforting to think it was all the other person’s fault but that attitude is depriving you of the opportunity of finding out what you could do differently next time. Look back through the story of your time together and look at your own behaviour. At what points could you have done something differently? Are you angry with all men/women because of things that have happened in your past? If so now might be the time to get some help if you really want things to change.

Change your mind

Just like any other area of life, relationship choices can become habitual and instinctive. We often dismiss potential matches simply because they don’t conform to an image we have in our head of ‘our type’. Open your mind and heart and start saying ‘yes’ to communication or dates with matches that you would normally dismiss out of hand, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Noone’s fate is fixed in stone, we can all change and grow and even if you have never had a healthy relationship in the past it is no reason that you never will in the future.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2011/11/how-to-make-your-future-love-life-different-from-your-past

 

Dating Detox For 2012.

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As we bid hello to 2012, we look forward with a sense of optimism and hope,. January is the month of choice to cleanse ourselves of any harmful toxins we carried over from the previous year. As we carefully select which diets and detox to choose, eHarmony.co.uk offer a revolutionary detox plan for 2012. Welcome the ‘dating detox’, a fool proof, four step detox plan for even the biggest skeptics to get you right back on track in your dating life.

Cleanse your outlook and get a fresh start for 2012 with four tips from Dr Gian Gonzaga, relationship expert for online match-maker eHarmony.co.uk,

Dr Gonzaga begins with a question: ‘If you were to conduct a self-diagnostic checkup on the condition of your dating life, which of the following would apply?’

a. Strong and robust, with optimal functioning.

b. Generally healthy, though periodically sluggish and listless.

c. Anaemic and frail.

d. Comatose.

“If you answered “C” or “D,” chances are you’ve been single for awhile now and you’re suffering from overexposure to potent dating toxins. There are remedies you can use for yourself when you feel depleted and discouraged in your search for lasting love.”

Here is a four-step therapy from eHarmony.co.uk, that guarantees to flush the dating fatigue from your system and put you back on track:

1. Purge.

Unsuccessful dating attempts often leave behind a debris field of unfulfilled desires, unresolved grievances, and unyielding regrets. These are toxic to your emotional wellbeing, not to mention your chances for future success in matters of the heart. A critical step in the process of dating detox is learning to let go! Forget the past, and choose to move on.

2. Consume carefully.

A regimen of dating detox must include monitoring your intake of words, thoughts, advice, and images related to romance. Stay away from “downer” friends who whine about how hard it is to find a decent man/woman. Tune out family members who complain about their lousy relationships. When you feel your mood beginning to sink toward self-pity, do something about it. Even small shifts in your “diet” can lead to dramatic positive changes.

3. Rebuild.

Detox is not just about getting rid of unhealthy habits and emotions—but replacing them with ones more likely to get what you want. In this phase, begin by identifying the kind of partner you aspire to be. Are there qualities on the list you don’t yet possess? Make a plan to get there. Next, describe the person you are looking for in detail. This will help you recognise those people who don’t quite measure up—and save you another round of detox down the road.

4. De-stress.

Relationship experts point out the negative impact of placing too much stress on the dating process. Lots of people put tremendous pressure on themselves and their dates, continually analyzing what was said or not said, what they did or did not do. Having a relaxed, low-pressure approach to life and love makes for happy individuals—and happy individuals make happy, healthy romantic couples.

Everyone needs a round of dating detox now and then and what better time than the breaking of a new year.

 

Surviving Christmas as a Single

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The Christmas period is a time of mixed emotions for single people; Christmas parties give us lots of opportunities for meeting new people and securing a kiss under the mistletoe, but the elated party mood can fade quickly when we’re back home with family and being relentlessly quizzed about our single status.

An eHarmony.co.uk study (2009) found that 47% of singles cited loneliness as the reason they feel a sense of trepidation about going home for Christmas. Additionally, the unmarried men we surveyed said they found Christmas a more stressful time than Valentine’s Day.

We‘re not saying it’s easy, but if you try to approach being single from a positive perspective, there are a lot of good points about being single at this time of year – from evenings out at German Christmas markets to office parties and mince pie gatherings, there are so many added opportunities to socialize and get into the Christmas spirit. Here are a few tips on tackling December with confidence.

Top tips to avoid feeling left out if you’re not coupled-up this festive season, from Dr Gian Gonzaga, Senior Director of Research at online match-making website eharmony.co.uk

Fill your time
If you’ve been single for a while, you’ll probably be a dab hand at planning and filling your time. And that’s no bad thing – how often do you hear coupled friends moaning they can’t go out because ‘Rachel has promised to cook me dinner this evening’?  Whereas, you have no one else’s calendar to worry about. Grab the festive season with both hands; attend parties, see old friends, visit Christmas markets and invite other single friends round for dinner.

Feel good about yourself
So, you’ve got some spare time on your hands. Why not volunteer for a charity such as Crisis, over Christmas. Amazingly, some charities get over subscribed for volunteers on Christmas Day and Boxing Day but there’ll always be someone in need at some point over the festive season.

Don’t wallow
This is the cardinal rule of being single at Christmas – and in fact the whole year round. If you wallow in your feelings of sadness, you’ll enter into a downward spiral. Misery breeds misery, and it pushes people away. How often have you walked into a party and thought, ‘Ooh, I’ll talk to that miserable person over there’? We’re guessing never.

We know that it’s often easier said than done to banish those feelings of sadness – especially if you find yourself remembering last Christmas when things were better for you – but do try. As soon as you feel your mind wandering, distract yourself. Volunteer to do some cooking, call up a friend:  just get your mind off that subject.

Gather round, one and all

The Christmas holidays are about all the relationships you have, and you have a lot! Revel in these relationships because you probably don’t get to see them that often. After all, what’s funnier than Aunt Margaret after a few too many sherries? If you really can’t face it, coerce a friend into going with you – but take care, if you think all your attention will be spent making sure they’re ok rather than socialising, it’s a pointless exercise.

Don’t be the only single person at the party
Whilst you should stay social, try to avoid being the only single person at a party if you think it will bother you. Take a friend, or arrange to do something else. Of course, if you’re happy to be around just couples then party away.

Come up with a good comeback for nosy relatives
If there’s one thing to guarantee you regressing to being a sulky child, it’s a nosy relative inquiring about your love life. Yes it’s petty, but the fact is that when your smug distant cousin and his new wife are bearing down on you at a family gathering you’ll do well to have some stock answers to their potentially prying questions. This can range from the genuine (I just haven’t found the right person yet) to the flippant (I didn’t fancy buying so many presents this year) – whatever you’re comfortable with, just be prepared. And remember your relationships come and go on your terms and no one else’s.

Look on the bright side
There are actually lots of bonuses to being single at Christmas – no agonizing over presents for your partner, no stress over whose house to eat Christmas dinner at, being able to go to any party you want…the list goes on. Still feeling miserable? Remember that Christmas puts huge pressure on couples too, with 1.8million considering divorce over the period, according to Family Mediation Helpline. Also remember that there is life after Christmas – after all, it is just a week and it’ll soon be January. (And if the prospect of a cold and grey January doesn’t persuade you to enjoy the moment, nothing will)

Get away from it all
And, if you honestly can’t face Christmas at home, take the chance to be completely selfish and have a winter break. Relish your lack of responsibilities and spend a week lying on a beach, not sparing a thought for overeating and enforced jollity.

 

 

SPRUCE UP YOUR DATING PROFILE

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Almost six million Brits are now dating online[1] but with so many people and so many profiles in the digisphere, it pays to be creative. Standing out from the virtual crowd has never been more important if you are hoping to meet a long term partner online.

“Whether you have signed up for the first time or have been online dating for several months, never under-estimate the power of your dating profile,” says Dr Gian Gonzaga, world-renowned expert in the field of compatibility and relationships for eHarmony®.

“Your online profile is a virtual window into your life, your passions, your goals and accomplishments. There’s no set formula for a ‘great profile’ as everyone’s different, but every profile should be positive and lively. Like a CV, it should show off your best points, but instead of a dry list of achievements it should be conversational in tone and full of personality.”

So, if you’re thinking of starting on the online dating journey, follow Dr Gonzaga’s ten tips to ensuring your profile gets you a first date, and lots more:

1. RELAX AND TURN OFF DISTRACTIONS

The first step is to get comfortable and relaxed and have a bit of distance from noise and distractions so you can concentrate on thinking about all your positives. Sit down on the sofa, put some music on, and start jotting down some thoughts about what makes you unique on paper, or the computer.

2. DO YOUR RESEARCH

What better way to research than reading other people’s profiles and looking at what you like about them, and what you don’t. Make sure your profile isn’t the same as others’ though. You’re unique.

3. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS SAY ABOUT YOU?

Everyone finds it difficult writing about themselves. It’s often easier to write about other people; so ask your close friends to describe your best qualities. Your friends can reveal a lot about your character that you may never spot.

4. STAY POSITIVE!

Avoid negative tones and always be positive about yourself. Your profile is essentially your dating CV. You wouldn’t want a future employer to read anything negative on your CV, so why would you want a potential partner to read anything that isn’t positive?

5. ADOPT A WRITER’S STYLE

Many people find poor grammar and spelling a turn off, and the best of us can make mistakes, so be careful on this point. Always write in full sentences, don’t abbreviate or use text speak. Then read your profile aloud, or ask a friend to double check it. Then put it into Word and use your computer spell check for final peace of mind.

6. UPDATE YOUR PHOTOS

Pictures are an essential part of your profile so use them to full effect. These are a few good examples:

– The Full Face Close Up: Great light, no sunglasses. You’re simply smiling!

– The Full Body: Ideally standing outside.

– The Waist Up: Sitting down and smiling.

– Your Passion: Doing something you really love – snowboarding, sailing etc.

– Your Favourite Place: Local park, the beach or garden, it’s a great conversation starter.

7. BE SPECIFIC

When you’re writing about what sums you up as a person, talk in specifics to give a full flavour of who you are. If you love travelling, say where your favourite place is and why. Anything concrete like this brings you alive to anyone reading, and improves your chances of there being some connecting points.

8. HAVE FUN!

Most people want to find someone who can make them laugh, so show people you have a sense of humour. If you can make someone laugh or someone can make you laugh, it’s a great icebreaker and could get your conversation off to a great start.

9. TWEAK AS YOU GO

Be prepared to tweak the profile as you go along, you can always come back to it and change it if you feel you didn’t quite get it right the first time. Add in your current achievements or hobbies, so if you’ve just started a photography course, then add that to your profile.

10. PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES

And finally, think about what you would think if you read your own profile. Are you interested in you? If you feel curious then you are off to a flying start.

eHarmony.co.uk helps its users to meet compatible matches through its patented Compatibility Matching System using data from its detailed Relationship Questionnaire. Unlike other dating sites, eHarmony.co.uk uses the results of the Relationship Questionnaire to match you with others who share similar characteristics, attitudes and beliefs – proven indicators of long term relationship success.

The site also provides its users with a free and in-depth Personality Profile which offers insights into who you are and how others perceive you – as well as what your needs are in a partner. Your profile, in and of itself, can be a valuable dating tool to you in your quest to find true love that lasts. The more you know about yourself, the more you will know what you need from a potential life-partner.

Can The Biological Clock Cloud Your Relationship Judgement?

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Bombarded by fertility facts and figures, women are increasingly obsessed with the ‘tick-tock’ of their biological clock, with the desire to find ‘Mr Happy Ever After ‘feeling all-consuming.

“Trying to find the perfect partner, who meets all of your ideas, can lead you to missing out on prospects who would make a very good partner,” says Dr Gian Gonzaga, relationship scientist at eHarmony.co.uk. “Conversely, settling for someone who doesn’t even have all the things you need in a partner, just to start a family, can lead to a very unhappy marriage.”

According to Dr Gonzaga, who studies thousands of singles and couples at the eHarmony Labs in California, much of the energy going in to finding ‘Mr or Mrs Happy Ever After’ is being channelled in the wrong direction, leading those who crave to settle down and build a family never managing to meet the right person to share their life.

Dr Gonzaga’s research has resulted in five key learnings that singles can apply to ensure that they meet the right person to build a life and family:

· Be careful who you look for. A serious partner needs to share your values, and life plans. It’s important for both men and women to avoid the types of people who seem to have a roving eye, who prioritise a lot else in their life before you, or who seem to be heading in a totally different direction to you. It’s best to avoid even dating people who aren’t remotely ready or able to commit if you’re thinking seriously about marriage and babies in the near future.

· As well as a ticking clock, chemistry can also cloud your judgement. There’s no denying chemistry is an important factor in deciding on a potential mate. After all we have to be attracted to someone to want to have their children, but try to look beyond that initial ‘zing’ and ascertain whether you share the same long term values in life. Looks don’t last – but shared interest and values make for a solid potential partnership.

· If you’re single and already on the dating scene, it helps to become a savvy dater and learn how to recognise the signs of a relationship that is casual, or not likely to lead to anything serious. You need to be in a relationship where both parties are investing equal amounts of time and energy, as this is when it could be time to commit to a relationship that could be the start of something serious.

· When dating a new person, or considering dating them, think carefully about your compatibility and make sure you know whether they share the same ‘must-haves ‘ when it comes to children as you. For example, does this person really want children in the future? Do you have a similar outlook on how a child will fit into your lives? Having a similar attitude to child-rearing is one of the most fundamental areas of compatibility.

· Finally, take a step back and relax. Young people, particularly women, often put pressure on themselves to meet certain deadlines in life – for example, marriage at 30, or babies by 32. These timelines are often only imposed by society, or peer pressure, and are not worth being restricted by, as it’s impossible to control every factor in life and the best things can happen at the most unexpected times.

MAKE THIS THE LAST MOTHER’S DAY THAT YOU ARE SINGLE

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Five tips for single parents looking to escape the parent trap

As a single parent you’re certainly not alone – in the UK there are more than 1.7million single parents. The majority would love to find someone new to support them and their children, but with childcare issues eating into time and energy resources, it can at times feel like it’s at the bottom of a never-ending to do list.

Single mum, TV actress and eHarmony.co.uk’s guest blogger, Donna Air voices the challenges she faces over finding a new partner when her child is naturally her number one priority:

“It’s simply too stressful a job when teamed with kids’ bath, dinner, homework, and bedtime stories into the hour allocation that most busy mums have for the multiple of tasks”.

But it needn’t be the hurdle it can at first seem. In Donna’s accounts of dating, she makes a point of dating when her child is at her ex partner’s house, or when she has some spare time to herself. For those with childcare and time constraints, dating online is the perfect way to ‘get back out there’ again and find someone new, and the best bit is that the initial, online stages of ‘dating’ can all be done when children are tucked up in bed. Make sure you research the top 10 dating sites to find the one that is right for you.

“Looking for someone who will love and respect you and your children can feel challenging but in reality it’s just about finding the person for you”, says Dr Gian Gonzaga, Senior Relationship Scientist at eHarmony.co.uk, the relationship success site. Dr Gonzaga continues, “in a recent poll of eHarmony.co.uk members, 85% said they were sensitive to a single parent’s position, so there’s no reason for not taking that first step.’ Here are five top tips from Fr. Gonzaga that every single and dating parent should follow:

1. Be honest from the beginning

It isn’t always easy to bring up the fact that you have children when considering going out with someone new. But your date deserves to know what to expect — perhaps you’ll only be available every other weekend or you can never be out past midnight due to your babysitter. Be upfront and you’ll avoid any surprises later on.

2. Only date someone who is sensitive to your situation

A potential partner who respects the fact that you’re a parent should understand and be sensitive to the responsibilities that you have to your children. Do they realize that even on a date you need to be accessible to your children? Does he or she understand that only you will know the right time to introduce them to your children? If the answer is no to any of these questions, they are probably not the right partner for you in the long-term.

3. Go slow

Unless you and your date are both certain you want to take the relationship in a more serious direction, don’t rush to introduce him or her to your kids. Having a new adult in their lives is a big deal. When you feel the time is right, keep the meeting low-key and brief, and do all you can to remove pressure from everyone. Your kids need as much time as you did to get to know someone new.

4. Be realistic

After introductions, be careful not to expect too much from your new relationship too soon. Someone who has never had kids will need plenty of time to develop their own relationship with your children. Equally if your partner has children or their own, it will take time for both sets of children to get used to being a part of a single family.

5. Practice being more than a parent

Yes, you are responsible for your children, and you must take that seriously. But being a parent is not solely all you are. You’re a single person looking for someone to share your life with. Get a babysitter, relax, and enjoy dating!

Dr Gonzaga concludes: “Don’t let being a parent stop you trying to find happiness. Just learn from your past relationship, have clear boundaries and be confident and you will find a true partner.”

Donna Air’s dating blog can be found at: http://moourl.com/donnadating.

Why are we entangled with the idea of a fairytale romance?

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eHarmony.co.uk’s relationship scientist Dr Gian Gonzaga says romance is a wonderful thing, but perhaps it’s time to forget fairytales and take destiny into our own hands.

Even the most cynical and ‘grown-up’ among us love a fairytale. Whether it’s Disney’s Tangled or Cinderella and her glass slipper, who hasn’t at some time dreamt of being whisked away on a white horse to a life of never-ending romance with an impossibly handsome prince or princess?

Dr Gian Gonzaga, world leading relationship scientist and Senior Research Director for eHarmony.co.uk believes a little imagination is healthy but finding the right partner also needs a dose of reality. He says: “Anyone who believes that finding or keeping a great relationship is a matter of luck or chance may be disappointed. Relationships can absolutely be filled with fairytale romance, but amazingly, a lot of people expect their Prince Charming to magically appear on their doorstep and rescue them. The reality is that taking a positive and active approach to finding love is the best way to find your own happy ending.”

Dr Gonzaga, author of new book ‘Dating the second time around, Finding love that lasts’, says people can fall into the trap of waiting for a new relationship to find them or believe that finding a compatible partner is outside of their control or ability. In his book, Dr Gonzaga touches on four tips that those of us who are looking for a fairytale romance should bear in mind.

Find your own version of the Handsome Prince

You may have a vision of the handsome prince or princess you want to meet, what they do for a living, where they live, and how old they are—but it’s time to put away the tired old checklist you’ve created over the years and approach finding a life-long partner with fresh eyes. Of course you have to feel chemistry with your partner, but perfection comes in all guises. It’s worth keeping in mind what’s going to make you happy not just now but in twenty years’ time. (Tip – it’s probably not a washboard stomach).

Control your own destiny

To find a relationship and make it work, you need to take control over the process by searching for the right type of partner, and acting to ensure the quality of this relationship. Lots of people expect Prince Charming to appear from nowhere, and they think that whether it works out or not will be down to fate or the cosmos or astrological compatibility rather than anything they might do or not do. Those who believe they can control whether a relationship works or not will ultimately be happier. Psychologists call this “locus of control.” Some people have an external locus of control, which means they don’t think they have the power to change things.

Others have an internal locus of control, which means that they believe they can change their situation with some effort. Those who have an internal locus of control more often try to make things better rather than passively accepting their fate, and that alone makes a big difference.

Don’t hurry love

We’ve all grown up on Hollywood’s romantic movies with speedy courtships and happy endings and it’s easy to think that real-life romance should happen quickly and easily.

As the old saying goes, only fools rush in. Too much too soon can scare a very suitable partner or cause problems in the longer term. Allow time for authentic feelings to develop before you say ‘I love you’, and consider that everyone has his or her own emotional clock.

Inject some romance into daily life

When you’re in a relationship with your own Prince Charming it’s important to keep the fires burning, even years down the line when romance can sometimes take a backseat. But how do you keep that exciting ‘butterflies’ feeling? The simple answer is by making time for your partner and making them feel special.

The Obama’s famously have their ‘date night’ but how about setting up a monthly ‘romantic surprise’ – put aside say £50 to take each other out for a romantic dinner or to a concert. And don’t forget to praise your partner’s achievements and compliment them as often as you can, in a genuine way. The couples that look out for each other stay happy together. You can have your ‘happy ever after’ but like Cinderella you’ll have to put some work in.

To read more about how to find realistic and lasting love read Dr Gian Gonzaga’s new book – Dating the second time around, Finding love that lasts. (Octopus, £6.99), available from all good bookshops.