Tag Archives: eharmoney

The Ghost of Relationships Past

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The old phrase ‘lesson learnt’ is never truer than after the end of a relationship. With each heart break we experience we take something different from it. But do we ever truly move on if we keep repeating the mistakes of our past relationships?

Relationship expert for online match maker eHarmony.co.uk, Dr Gian Gonzaga says “sometimes people lose faith in finding love because they seem to be continually attracted to the ‘wrong’ type of people”.  According to Gonzaga, at times it can seem as though no matter how hard we try we end up with the same problems but with different people, like magnets that attract the same situation over and over again.  It’s time we examine where we are going wrong and eradicate the real issue, to really be able to move on and find lasting love.

So excavate the past to create a different future for yourself:

The common denominator

Look at all your past relationships, write them down if it helps, and ask yourself these questions about each one. What attracted you to the person in the first place? What caused the relationship to end? Were there signs early on in the relationship that there were problems but you ignored them?

Old relationships are never wasted, they are a rich source of information which you can go back over to discover what you could do differently in the future. Be really honest with yourself and try to look at the relationship from an outsider’s point of view. What you are looking for is the similarities between them to see if there is a pattern.

Is the thing that attracts the thing that destroys?

Are you attracted to creative, emotionally unavailable men and then the relationship ends because you don’t get enough attention? Or are you drawn to bright, bubbly women but then fail to get very far because you feel threatened when she flirts with your mates?

Look at the people who have qualities that you find attractive – not just the ones you have had relationships with but also people in the media, friends etc. What is it in them that you find attractive? Then look at yourself and develop those qualities in yourself rather than waiting for someone else to come and make you feel that way.

Don’t fall for someone’s potential

This is the most common mistake that people make in relationships. They meet someone and they fall in love with what they ‘could be’ rather than what they ‘are’ today. They believe that if they love this person enough; give them lots of encouragement, support and everything they need in order to blossom that they will have a wonderful relationship together. Although this often comes from a loving place it is starting a relationship from the basis of wanting to change the other person rather than accepting and loving them as they are. It is a great feeling to be the hero or heroine in another person’s life but it is rarely going to lead to a healthy relationship because the basis of the relationship isn’t equal.

Look in the mirror

When a relationship ends it can be comforting to think it was all the other person’s fault but that attitude is depriving you of the opportunity of finding out what you could do differently next time. Look back through the story of your time together and look at your own behaviour. At what points could you have done something differently? Are you angry with all men/women because of things that have happened in your past? If so now might be the time to get some help if you really want things to change.

Change your mind

Just like any other area of life, relationship choices can become habitual and instinctive. We often dismiss potential matches simply because they don’t conform to an image we have in our head of ‘our type’. Open your mind and heart and start saying ‘yes’ to communication or dates with matches that you would normally dismiss out of hand, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Noone’s fate is fixed in stone, we can all change and grow and even if you have never had a healthy relationship in the past it is no reason that you never will in the future.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2011/11/how-to-make-your-future-love-life-different-from-your-past

 

How Dating has Changed Since The 1950s

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HOW HAS DATING CHANGED SINCE PRINCESS ELIZABETH FIRST “STEPPED OUT” WITH HER DASHING PHILIP?

Relationship site eHarmony tells Frost Magazine about the similarities and differences between dating in the 1950s and the 2010s

 

In less than a week’s time Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip will stand side by side as the nation celebrates her sixty year reign. But how did the young Princess know when she first met her dashing Duke that he was to be her life partner? Were the customs of courtship in the 1940s and 1950s more successful in bringing lifelong couples together? To celebrate this Diamond Jubilee, relationship site eHarmony reviews how young couples met and dated sixty years ago and compares the advice given then, to our contemporary words of wisdom. And which makes more sense? You decide.

 

Dating in the 1950s

Dating in the 2010s
Men did the asking

It was always the man who proposed a date. It was not polite or acceptable for women to suggest an evening out together. With no answer machines or text messages in existence women would have to wait for a knock at the door or a telephone call. Men frequently ask

Whilst it’s still traditional for a man to ask, today women can and often do ask men on dates. For online daters many first dates are organised through email, text and by phone, this allows us all to have a bit more courage to ask .A date was a date

In the 40s and 50s, there was no confusion about what a date meant to either party. It was rare for men and women to be just friends. So if a man called a woman and asked her to dinner, he certainly had romance on his mind. Is this a date?

Men and women are now often friends, and can stay friends without any romantic involvement, even once a relationship comes to an end.  So inviting someone to a pub or restaurant or accepting such invitation is no longer a certain hint at romantic intentions. Timing was everything

Notice was absolutely necessary for a date in polite society. At least two or three days’ notice was required for a lady’s diary and times to collect and return your young lady were critical. Competing for time

Modern daters are busy with their lives, and if they’re not around when the phone rings, it is acceptable to call back when convenient or to arrange a second date through a text or email. Respond immediately to your date invitation

If a lady was lucky enough to be asked out, it was her duty to respond immediately and of course with absolute politeness. Appearing too keen

Modern day dating seems to be more like a power battle. If a man asks, a woman cannot appear too keen. And yet, respond late and she risks appearing disinterested, particularly if the dater is communicating with other online matches. Always be on time

There’s no such thing as fashionably late; ladies must be ready when their date arrived. Always be on time

Today it is still considered rude to keep your date waiting for any longer than 5 minutes. Particularly if you are meeting in a public place (see below). Collecting your date

When date night arrived, the man would always organise the transportation. He would come to the door to greet his date before taking her to their venue and he always brought her safely home to her family. Meeting in public is a good idea

Unlike the traditional custom of collecting and being collected, today it is more common to make your own way to the first date and is sensible to meet in a public place. This takes away any fear and ensures safety until you get to know your date a little more. Introducing your date to your parents on a first date

When a man collected his young lady, it was customary for her to introduce him to her parents who would want to approve that he was suitable for their daughter. Introducing your date to family and friends means it’s serious

For many modern day daters, busy with work, life and possibly kids, introducing a partner to parents or family is more likely to happen once the dating phase is close or into the ‘relationship’ phase. Men always ordered

When dining out, the young lady should always tell her male friend what she would like before he orders for her.I know what I want

Today, it is unheard of to expect your date to order for you. Women know what they want and will ask for it.Men always paid

When the bill arrived, the man would always pay. It was unthinkable for a woman to offer any money.The payment dilemma

Many men still feel that they should pick up the bill, but paying is a tricky issue. Sometimes women are insulted at the implication they can’t take care of themselves. For some men, traditional notions are outdated. It is polite to always offer to “Go Dutch” but to accept if the other party then insists that he or she should pay.

 

 

Jenni Trent Hughes, Relationship Expert for eHarmony believes the dating process holds a mirror to the society of the time. She says: “In the 40s and 50s, the family unit was strong and often men and women in their twenties were still living at home with their families. Communities were close and approval was of paramount importance. Politeness and reference was a critical part of the dating process. Today our society is more fractured. We move away from home for work or college and both men and women are juggling busy lives and demands on their time. We meet more as equals and must make our own decisions. It’s fast paced and exciting but not without its etiquette protocols entirely.”

 

For more information on how to make the most of the dating experience, check out eHarmony’s Dating Advice site at: http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/dating

 

Dating Detox For 2012.

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As we bid hello to 2012, we look forward with a sense of optimism and hope,. January is the month of choice to cleanse ourselves of any harmful toxins we carried over from the previous year. As we carefully select which diets and detox to choose, eHarmony.co.uk offer a revolutionary detox plan for 2012. Welcome the ‘dating detox’, a fool proof, four step detox plan for even the biggest skeptics to get you right back on track in your dating life.

Cleanse your outlook and get a fresh start for 2012 with four tips from Dr Gian Gonzaga, relationship expert for online match-maker eHarmony.co.uk,

Dr Gonzaga begins with a question: ‘If you were to conduct a self-diagnostic checkup on the condition of your dating life, which of the following would apply?’

a. Strong and robust, with optimal functioning.

b. Generally healthy, though periodically sluggish and listless.

c. Anaemic and frail.

d. Comatose.

“If you answered “C” or “D,” chances are you’ve been single for awhile now and you’re suffering from overexposure to potent dating toxins. There are remedies you can use for yourself when you feel depleted and discouraged in your search for lasting love.”

Here is a four-step therapy from eHarmony.co.uk, that guarantees to flush the dating fatigue from your system and put you back on track:

1. Purge.

Unsuccessful dating attempts often leave behind a debris field of unfulfilled desires, unresolved grievances, and unyielding regrets. These are toxic to your emotional wellbeing, not to mention your chances for future success in matters of the heart. A critical step in the process of dating detox is learning to let go! Forget the past, and choose to move on.

2. Consume carefully.

A regimen of dating detox must include monitoring your intake of words, thoughts, advice, and images related to romance. Stay away from “downer” friends who whine about how hard it is to find a decent man/woman. Tune out family members who complain about their lousy relationships. When you feel your mood beginning to sink toward self-pity, do something about it. Even small shifts in your “diet” can lead to dramatic positive changes.

3. Rebuild.

Detox is not just about getting rid of unhealthy habits and emotions—but replacing them with ones more likely to get what you want. In this phase, begin by identifying the kind of partner you aspire to be. Are there qualities on the list you don’t yet possess? Make a plan to get there. Next, describe the person you are looking for in detail. This will help you recognise those people who don’t quite measure up—and save you another round of detox down the road.

4. De-stress.

Relationship experts point out the negative impact of placing too much stress on the dating process. Lots of people put tremendous pressure on themselves and their dates, continually analyzing what was said or not said, what they did or did not do. Having a relaxed, low-pressure approach to life and love makes for happy individuals—and happy individuals make happy, healthy romantic couples.

Everyone needs a round of dating detox now and then and what better time than the breaking of a new year.

 

Must Have / Can’t Stand: What Singletons Look For In A Partner

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For those of us who watched Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt in ‘What Women Want’ and were left none the wiser by Hollywood’s take on understanding the sexes, a new survey released today should do the trick.

A study of 15,000 single British people (both men and women) by eHarmony.co.uk, the relationship site that introduced compatibility-based matching to the UK, has found that a sense of humour is the most important trait in a future partner.

The “Must Have” top four traits British singletons are seeking, according to eHarmony’s data, are:

1. Good sense of humour – 73%

2. Being affectionate – 60%

3. Loyalty – 52%

4. Good communication – 52%

But the study didn’t stop there. eHarmony.co.uk also asked the 15,000 singletons what traits they “Can’t Stand” in a potential partner. The top four were:

1. Lying – 71%

2. Cheating – 66%

3. Rudeness – 55%

4. Poor hygiene – 46%

So there we have it? What’s your must have/can’t stand?