Tag Archives: eharmony.co.uk

The Ghost of Relationships Past

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The old phrase ‘lesson learnt’ is never truer than after the end of a relationship. With each heart break we experience we take something different from it. But do we ever truly move on if we keep repeating the mistakes of our past relationships?

Relationship expert for online match maker eHarmony.co.uk, Dr Gian Gonzaga says “sometimes people lose faith in finding love because they seem to be continually attracted to the ‘wrong’ type of people”.  According to Gonzaga, at times it can seem as though no matter how hard we try we end up with the same problems but with different people, like magnets that attract the same situation over and over again.  It’s time we examine where we are going wrong and eradicate the real issue, to really be able to move on and find lasting love.

So excavate the past to create a different future for yourself:

The common denominator

Look at all your past relationships, write them down if it helps, and ask yourself these questions about each one. What attracted you to the person in the first place? What caused the relationship to end? Were there signs early on in the relationship that there were problems but you ignored them?

Old relationships are never wasted, they are a rich source of information which you can go back over to discover what you could do differently in the future. Be really honest with yourself and try to look at the relationship from an outsider’s point of view. What you are looking for is the similarities between them to see if there is a pattern.

Is the thing that attracts the thing that destroys?

Are you attracted to creative, emotionally unavailable men and then the relationship ends because you don’t get enough attention? Or are you drawn to bright, bubbly women but then fail to get very far because you feel threatened when she flirts with your mates?

Look at the people who have qualities that you find attractive – not just the ones you have had relationships with but also people in the media, friends etc. What is it in them that you find attractive? Then look at yourself and develop those qualities in yourself rather than waiting for someone else to come and make you feel that way.

Don’t fall for someone’s potential

This is the most common mistake that people make in relationships. They meet someone and they fall in love with what they ‘could be’ rather than what they ‘are’ today. They believe that if they love this person enough; give them lots of encouragement, support and everything they need in order to blossom that they will have a wonderful relationship together. Although this often comes from a loving place it is starting a relationship from the basis of wanting to change the other person rather than accepting and loving them as they are. It is a great feeling to be the hero or heroine in another person’s life but it is rarely going to lead to a healthy relationship because the basis of the relationship isn’t equal.

Look in the mirror

When a relationship ends it can be comforting to think it was all the other person’s fault but that attitude is depriving you of the opportunity of finding out what you could do differently next time. Look back through the story of your time together and look at your own behaviour. At what points could you have done something differently? Are you angry with all men/women because of things that have happened in your past? If so now might be the time to get some help if you really want things to change.

Change your mind

Just like any other area of life, relationship choices can become habitual and instinctive. We often dismiss potential matches simply because they don’t conform to an image we have in our head of ‘our type’. Open your mind and heart and start saying ‘yes’ to communication or dates with matches that you would normally dismiss out of hand, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Noone’s fate is fixed in stone, we can all change and grow and even if you have never had a healthy relationship in the past it is no reason that you never will in the future.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2011/11/how-to-make-your-future-love-life-different-from-your-past

 

Why men aren’t like frogs, and dating isn’t a numbers game

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By Jenni Trent Hughes. Relationship Expert at eHarmony.co.uk

 

 

There are so many myths out there about love and dating that when I talk to both singles and couples, I’m always amazed by the power these old sayings wield over us. A phrase that’s been passed on by a parent or trusted friend is often taken as gospel. And the one such myth I hear trotted out the most is that you have to kiss a rather depressing amount of frogs before you find a prince.

 

We’re certainly lucky to live in a world full of options. From takeaway coffee to sandwiches or TV channels, we’re so spoilt for choice it’s easy to think quantity is a good thing when it comes to dating too. That there’s a cornucopia of men out there, and if we dine out with enough of them we’ll hit upon that perfect needle in the haystack.

 

But as Plato very wisely said: “a good decision is based on knowledge, not on numbers”. If we know a bit about what we’re looking for then we won’t waste lots of time and energy on those so-called frogs. Here are my thoughts on dating myths I think are at best a bit silly and at worse damaging to our self-esteem and chance of finding real love:

 

“You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince”. The majority of women I meet with that attitude tend to wander the streets aimlessly kissing a heck of a lot of undesirables.  In many instances their frogs turn into lizards but almost never a prince. A prince is born a prince; he is not born a frog. So make sure you kiss princes with potential, not frogs, and if a frog should come along disguised as a prince, then learn from the experience ready for the next time.

 

“Dating is just a numbers game…”

Numbers games rely on chance. Would that then mean that finding love should be compared to roulette or poker? I think we can agree that all of those are tremendously risky activities over which you have and little control over the outcome. The idea that the more people you date the more chance you have in succeeding is misleading; laying a few pounds on which horse wins a race won’t make too much difference in your life if it goes wrong. However an overly cavalier attitude towards dating will provide less than stellar results. It’s about quality not quantity; dates with people that you have instant chemistry with, not endless dates with people because you ‘might as well’.  While it shouldn’t be approached with the precision of a military campaign it deserves more respect and attention than thinking of it as a game or a gamble.

 

“There are plenty more fish in the sea.”

We’ve most likely all heard this one before, delivered as good news from well-meaning friends when we’re emerging from a break-up or trying to get over someone. Though meant as a positive, it does seem to suggest that there are so many people out there that it’s easy to move swiftly on to the next ‘fish’. In fact, break ups or disappointments take time to get over, so don’t let yourself be rushed. Reflect on what’s best for you, and what you can learn from your relationship. Then, when the time comes to return to the dating scene, you’ll be able to use this knowledge to your advantage.

 

“Men are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken and the others already have ‘Mother & Child’ painted on them” Absolute nonsense. This sort of self-defeatist attitude means that you are crying over the end of the movie before you’ve even bought your ticket. There are just as many wonderful available men out there as there are women. You just need to know where to look and probably even more importantly how to look.

 

“I can’t go on any more bad dates. I would rather be home alone than out with some guy who sells socks on the internet” Never give up. Your next date might turn out be your last ‘date’ because he might be The One. Don’t stop dating, just start dating differently. Don’t go out on any old date just because you’ve been asked. Accept or initiate dates only when you genuinely believe there is an opportunity for an enjoyable time. If you think there is little or no chance that you will have a good date then don’t go in the first place, what’s the point? Find the middle ground where you’re giving a person a chance just be sure they’re worth it in the first place.

 

We should never stop sharing beliefs and thoughts with our friends as we help them along that road, but let’s just make sure these are helpful and positive pearls of wisdom that will keep us enthused and optimistic on that journey.

How to Have a Successful Date

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What Makes A Successful Date?

eHarmony.co.uk reveals the Great Date Indicators (GDI) that switch us “on” and “off” to a potential mate

Based on communication habits of thousands of British singles, relationship site eHarmony releases six key indicators that can increase your dating potential.

Laughing at certain jokes, having a passion for vegetarian food or playing the guitar may sound harmless enough but according to analysis of millions of connections on relationship site eHarmony®, certain hobbies and habits definitely affect a single’s potential with the opposite sex.

Whilst studying how compatible singles connect and communicate on eHarmony.co.uk, computational scientists have found a series of indicators that impact attraction and connection online. Although two people can be incredibly compatible, the Great Date Indicators (GDI), as eHarmony scientists call them, provide an additional layer to determine whether two people will click when they meet in person. They reveal that:


1. We don’t like people with the same sense of humour

Far from seeking out someone with the same sense of humour as ourselves, the GDI show that online, we will often choose to connect with people who have a very different sense of humour to our own. For example, men with dark or political humour are often attracted to women with slapstick, wisecracking humour.

2. Traditional gender types have a big part to play in our attraction to a partner

Even though we live in an open and liberated society, men and women who conform to gender stereotypes receive more interest online. For example, fewer women communicate with men who enjoy feminine pursuits (like shopping) whilst fewer men communicate with women who seem to be in a position of authority. Also, men care less about the income potential of a woman only if she earns less than they do.

3. Spending habits influence the dating potential for women online

How much a woman spends or saves may impact her dating potential online. Women who spend freely view many profiles but do not communicate often. eHarmony scientists term this the “window shopping effect”. More men will talk to a woman who saves, whilst fewer men will talk to a woman who says she spends freely. The exception is that men who spend freely will talk to women who spend freely – surely a recipe for an empty joint bank account.

4. The universal appeal of yoga

Stretching and bending is THE most popular form of exercise in terms of appeal to the opposite sex whether you’re a man or a woman. Regardless of gender, men and women who mention yoga in their profiles receive significantly more communication than those who don’t.


5. We all want active partners – even if we’re a couch potato

Most people search out and connect with people who have active lifestyles. It is very appealing to the opposite sex. Be warned if you sit in front of the TV. Couch potatoes are universally unappealing, even to other couch potatoes.


6. A varied palate is appealing to the opposite sex

A varied diet and openness to try new foods is appealing to the opposite sex but a McDonalds habit could seriously damage your dating potential. Enjoying fast food is a big turn off to other singles, even if they’re fast food eaters themselves. And being a vegetarian is definitely a big attraction for other vegetarians online.

As part of the patented scientific match making process, eHarmony members complete a relationship questionnaire where they are asked to record their passions, interests, likes and dislikes. Since its launch in the UK, eHarmony has been building a comprehensive picture of the personalities and habits of the two million singles who have completed the questionnaire. Then using Compatibility Matching System® quantitative analysis models, eHarmony’s computational science team search for trends in how members decipher the profiles of matches and connect with them online.

Joseph Essas, Chief Technology Officer at eHarmony says:

Meeting singles you’re going to have chemistry with is what makes dating exciting, and even more importantly, worth investing time and energy in. In any given day there are millions of communications taking place on eHarmony. By analysing all of these interactions we’re able to learn what behaviours and hobbies can make sparks fly between our singles and provide them with matches that are even more tailored for them.

Surviving Christmas as a Single

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The Christmas period is a time of mixed emotions for single people; Christmas parties give us lots of opportunities for meeting new people and securing a kiss under the mistletoe, but the elated party mood can fade quickly when we’re back home with family and being relentlessly quizzed about our single status.

An eHarmony.co.uk study (2009) found that 47% of singles cited loneliness as the reason they feel a sense of trepidation about going home for Christmas. Additionally, the unmarried men we surveyed said they found Christmas a more stressful time than Valentine’s Day.

We‘re not saying it’s easy, but if you try to approach being single from a positive perspective, there are a lot of good points about being single at this time of year – from evenings out at German Christmas markets to office parties and mince pie gatherings, there are so many added opportunities to socialize and get into the Christmas spirit. Here are a few tips on tackling December with confidence.

Top tips to avoid feeling left out if you’re not coupled-up this festive season, from Dr Gian Gonzaga, Senior Director of Research at online match-making website eharmony.co.uk

Fill your time
If you’ve been single for a while, you’ll probably be a dab hand at planning and filling your time. And that’s no bad thing – how often do you hear coupled friends moaning they can’t go out because ‘Rachel has promised to cook me dinner this evening’?  Whereas, you have no one else’s calendar to worry about. Grab the festive season with both hands; attend parties, see old friends, visit Christmas markets and invite other single friends round for dinner.

Feel good about yourself
So, you’ve got some spare time on your hands. Why not volunteer for a charity such as Crisis, over Christmas. Amazingly, some charities get over subscribed for volunteers on Christmas Day and Boxing Day but there’ll always be someone in need at some point over the festive season.

Don’t wallow
This is the cardinal rule of being single at Christmas – and in fact the whole year round. If you wallow in your feelings of sadness, you’ll enter into a downward spiral. Misery breeds misery, and it pushes people away. How often have you walked into a party and thought, ‘Ooh, I’ll talk to that miserable person over there’? We’re guessing never.

We know that it’s often easier said than done to banish those feelings of sadness – especially if you find yourself remembering last Christmas when things were better for you – but do try. As soon as you feel your mind wandering, distract yourself. Volunteer to do some cooking, call up a friend:  just get your mind off that subject.

Gather round, one and all

The Christmas holidays are about all the relationships you have, and you have a lot! Revel in these relationships because you probably don’t get to see them that often. After all, what’s funnier than Aunt Margaret after a few too many sherries? If you really can’t face it, coerce a friend into going with you – but take care, if you think all your attention will be spent making sure they’re ok rather than socialising, it’s a pointless exercise.

Don’t be the only single person at the party
Whilst you should stay social, try to avoid being the only single person at a party if you think it will bother you. Take a friend, or arrange to do something else. Of course, if you’re happy to be around just couples then party away.

Come up with a good comeback for nosy relatives
If there’s one thing to guarantee you regressing to being a sulky child, it’s a nosy relative inquiring about your love life. Yes it’s petty, but the fact is that when your smug distant cousin and his new wife are bearing down on you at a family gathering you’ll do well to have some stock answers to their potentially prying questions. This can range from the genuine (I just haven’t found the right person yet) to the flippant (I didn’t fancy buying so many presents this year) – whatever you’re comfortable with, just be prepared. And remember your relationships come and go on your terms and no one else’s.

Look on the bright side
There are actually lots of bonuses to being single at Christmas – no agonizing over presents for your partner, no stress over whose house to eat Christmas dinner at, being able to go to any party you want…the list goes on. Still feeling miserable? Remember that Christmas puts huge pressure on couples too, with 1.8million considering divorce over the period, according to Family Mediation Helpline. Also remember that there is life after Christmas – after all, it is just a week and it’ll soon be January. (And if the prospect of a cold and grey January doesn’t persuade you to enjoy the moment, nothing will)

Get away from it all
And, if you honestly can’t face Christmas at home, take the chance to be completely selfish and have a winter break. Relish your lack of responsibilities and spend a week lying on a beach, not sparing a thought for overeating and enforced jollity.

 

 

Can The Biological Clock Cloud Your Relationship Judgement?

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Bombarded by fertility facts and figures, women are increasingly obsessed with the ‘tick-tock’ of their biological clock, with the desire to find ‘Mr Happy Ever After ‘feeling all-consuming.

“Trying to find the perfect partner, who meets all of your ideas, can lead you to missing out on prospects who would make a very good partner,” says Dr Gian Gonzaga, relationship scientist at eHarmony.co.uk. “Conversely, settling for someone who doesn’t even have all the things you need in a partner, just to start a family, can lead to a very unhappy marriage.”

According to Dr Gonzaga, who studies thousands of singles and couples at the eHarmony Labs in California, much of the energy going in to finding ‘Mr or Mrs Happy Ever After’ is being channelled in the wrong direction, leading those who crave to settle down and build a family never managing to meet the right person to share their life.

Dr Gonzaga’s research has resulted in five key learnings that singles can apply to ensure that they meet the right person to build a life and family:

· Be careful who you look for. A serious partner needs to share your values, and life plans. It’s important for both men and women to avoid the types of people who seem to have a roving eye, who prioritise a lot else in their life before you, or who seem to be heading in a totally different direction to you. It’s best to avoid even dating people who aren’t remotely ready or able to commit if you’re thinking seriously about marriage and babies in the near future.

· As well as a ticking clock, chemistry can also cloud your judgement. There’s no denying chemistry is an important factor in deciding on a potential mate. After all we have to be attracted to someone to want to have their children, but try to look beyond that initial ‘zing’ and ascertain whether you share the same long term values in life. Looks don’t last – but shared interest and values make for a solid potential partnership.

· If you’re single and already on the dating scene, it helps to become a savvy dater and learn how to recognise the signs of a relationship that is casual, or not likely to lead to anything serious. You need to be in a relationship where both parties are investing equal amounts of time and energy, as this is when it could be time to commit to a relationship that could be the start of something serious.

· When dating a new person, or considering dating them, think carefully about your compatibility and make sure you know whether they share the same ‘must-haves ‘ when it comes to children as you. For example, does this person really want children in the future? Do you have a similar outlook on how a child will fit into your lives? Having a similar attitude to child-rearing is one of the most fundamental areas of compatibility.

· Finally, take a step back and relax. Young people, particularly women, often put pressure on themselves to meet certain deadlines in life – for example, marriage at 30, or babies by 32. These timelines are often only imposed by society, or peer pressure, and are not worth being restricted by, as it’s impossible to control every factor in life and the best things can happen at the most unexpected times.