Londoner’s Life 24 – By Phil Ryan
Abandon hope it’s snowing! I hope you all note that I your Frost London columnist predicted the snow! It arrived last night as I left a fantastic Thai restaurant on the Harrow Road (more of a café really as it’s the size of a large packet of cornflakes) But it’s called Boys Thai and its cheap and good. I got in the car to return home and all my fancy gizmos kicked in to stop me sliding all over the shop. But on my very slow and careful thirty minute journey home (usually fifteen) I passed three cars broken down and two crashes! Admittedly the wind was fierce and cold and the snow was falling steadily but wow. But it’s North London not Alaska. If the Iranians would switch from trying to make nuclear weapons to making snow we’d all be screwed! As I sit and write the airports across London are closed, the trains have virtually ground to a halt and only one or two tube lines are running a service. It’s barely three inches out there. I just measured it with a ruler.
And so my fortune tellers guide to the London media this week in sound bites (with the actual truth in italics).
Council spokesperson: “We had our gritters out immediately and found the snow fall outpaced our capacity. And of course our main priorities remain vital main roads as opposed to residential side streets” TRUTH “Sid and Kamil from the depot bumbled about a bit dropped a few tons of salt we had out the back in the remaining trucks we didn’t flog cheap five years back and went home. We haven’t got that much salt as it’s expensive and the lads don’t like going up side streets as they can’t drive at breakneck speed”
Airport spokesperson: “We would like to apologise to passengers for the ongoing disruption but we are attempting to maximise passenger safety” TRUTH “Listen cattle these planes ain’t cheap so we are not going to get any of them grubby or damaged just for you whiny lot. Plus what do you expect for £60?”
Government spokesperson: “The recent snowfall has been unprecedented however we have a good stock of road salt and are confident that our efforts to keep the roads and transport systems running will be successful” TRUTH “Suckers”
The Mayor “I would like to congratulate all my departments for their valiant efforts and my colleagues at TFL for keeping London moving” TRUTH “Every bloody year the same disaster er do you reckon the great unwashed will forget about it in the coming elections?”
So the cold weather will probably result in the usual paralysed city nonsense for a week or two and then we’ll forget about it and carry on like we do every year. My advice. Panic buy weird stuff to confuse the big 4 supermarkets. Don’t buy water and bread. Buy paper napkins and Peruvian Beaver tea.
And yes the London Mayoral elections are slowly unrolling. And of course it’s the usual two clowns. The Boris and Ken nonsense as usual. Not a decent candidate apart from that ex civil service woman Siobhan Benita who actually seems normal. But don’t quote me. You have Brian Paddick for the Lib Dems who seems to resemble Beaker from the Muppets more and more. His grand idea is to increase Police numbers in London until we all get our own constable apparently. Then for the Green Party that mad old bint Jenny Jones whose hair appears to expand year on year until she comes across as more of an animated shrubbery than a human. Her ideas include and I’m guessing here – free bicycles on the NHS – solar powered clothing and returning to living in caves to cut down on greenhouse gases. And in truth what do they all have in common? Taxation. Yes that’s about it. They all stand around dreaming up new ways to charge us for stuff that was once free and they promise us a glittering new future with wind powered triple decker buses made out of wicker and better schools etc etc. My local council Camden (or the Politburo as they are usually known) have been busily closing down most of the things we pay Council Tax for (begging the question what do I actually get for my money – answer – very little apart from an overbearing grim implacable bureaucracy) And now they’re handing over most of our libraries to small local consortia as they don’t want to pay for them anymore. And I like the idea in principle instead of them being closed and flogged to private vampiric property developers, although it’s great for Camden who can now waste even more of our money on digging up the streets on a monthly basis and voting themselves pay rises.
But local libraries could be the new community centres if the locals get it right. Cheap cafeterias, things for toddlers, the unemployed and the elderly. But how does it get paid for. Yes you’ve guessed it. We’ll have to pay for it. Not a lot mind I understand. A quid a go probably. Side effects local cafes won’t be delighted and nor will those who USED TO GET IT FOR FREE.
Ho hum. But finally back to the snow fall in London. I just watched the news and the truth is we’re doomed. Apart from the sounds of champagne corks popping in the British Gas offices I can hear nothing – just the sound of happy kids and damp parents from every park across town. But is it a problem? No buses no tubes no trains. Nah. Why? It’s a London thing.