Tag Archives: guilt

Valentine’s Day For Dummies | Book Review

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Valentine’s Day is, by far, the most romantically anticipated day of the year, but there is no need to panic! For those in search of a potential partner, to those wanting to get their relationship back on track For Dummies has published a number of guides which will help make this Valentine’s Day a great success. Frost Magazine’s writers got their head in a book to review the guides. Check out what they thought below.

Flirting For Dummies

Elizabeth Clark

Our writer says:

“I have never been good at flirting. I just do not know how to do it and envy people who can. I read the book as soon as it arrives and I started putting it into practice when I could. I have been single for nearly a year and was dreading Valentine’s Day.

The first chapter is about the making of a successful flirt. It teaches you the fundamentals, spotting signals and avoiding pitfalls. I immediately start to realise what I am doing wrong.

Chapter three moves into overcoming a fear of rejection. Something that has become a problem. I had quite a bad break up and the thought of another man hurting me was hard to cope with.

After finishing the book I do become much better at flirting. I find it easier to start dating when I have the tools and knowledge to know how to flirt. I have started dating again and I am very positive about my flirting future. I also love the ten ways unwanted admirers can strike in the back. This is a fun, witty book.

£12.99

There is still time for the unlucky in love to brush up on their flirting skills and bag themselves a date this Valentine’s day. Flirting For Dummies provides readers with the know-how and confidence to getting it right when it comes to flirting effectively and without embarrassment.  Exploring key areas including listening and communication skills, body language and self-image, Flirting For Dummies has all the tools needed to boost self-confidence and engage with people in a natural and charming way.

 

 Body Language For Dummies

Elizabeth Kuhnke

Our writer says:

“I love body language. I think it is very underrated and I have read a few books on the subject. Sometimes it can be hard to read the opposite sex so I was hoping this book would help.

This book covers all aspects of body language. It has handy pictures and is very easy to read. As all of the Dummies guide are.  It tells you all about body language and how to use your own to get what you want. I noticed that sometime when I say things people take it the wrong way, now I put the tips in the book into practice and it has made a difference. I really liked this book. It is a great body language book. I even use it with my partner. Good book. ”

 

£15.99

Having an insight into body language can be a great asset when trying to interpret the signals of the opposite sex.  This title explains how the body reveals what people really mean guiding readers on how it can be used to make a positive impact and explaining why we give off certain signals.  Elizabeth Kuhnke explains how to read the most common expressions and use body language to transform both personal and professional relationships.

 

Confidence For Dummies

Kate Burton & Brinley N. Platts

Our writer says:

“I was not sure how someone could write an entire book on confidence until I opened the book. Generally I thought confidence was something that some people has in abundance that could not really be placed, but pardon my ignorance, I was completely wrong. This book has let me know that confidence is something that is manageable and attainable. Sometimes confidence is  just taking things one step at a time, knowing that it will all be okay in the end.

This book lets you recognise your strengths and believe in yourself. When I started reading it I could not put it down. I have been single for a while and have found it hard to put myself out there, but this book has let me know that I actually do have it within me to put myself out there.

I love the techniques and the exercises too. I feel that I know myself a lot better after reading this book. I know this sounds like I am being over enthusiastic, but I already feel it has improved my life.”

£12.99

Self-confidence is important in all areas of life particularly when it comes to dating and relationships.  Lack of confidence is common amongst those who are unlucky in love.    This guide identifies the wide range of strengths, skills, abilities and strategies readers can utilise, providing tips and techniques to build on these and gain extra confidence.

 

Dating For Dummies (3rd Edition)

Joy Browne

Our writer says:

“Dating is hard. Really hard. Sometimes I feel like I find it harder than everyone else. But I really want to start dating again and get better at it. Dating for Dummies suits me perfectly.

This book tackles even the most modern parts of dating, like social networking and online dating. It helps you figure out what you want in a partner and how to break up with people. It really does cover every aspect of dating and even covers age differences. It really is a brilliant book that covers everything and it is impossible not to find helpful information. I just finished the book, but I reckon it will improve my love life dramatically. I already feel more comfortable.

£15.99

Dating For Dummies guides readers on how to meet potential romantic partners for life, how to avoid common dating mistakes, overcome disappointments, deal with difference and how to date safely in the social media world.  Joy Browne gives readers the confidence boost they need to help meet, date and start a relationship as well as prepare for dates and have a great time. Whatever the dating dilemma Dating For Dummies has it covered.

 

 

Improving Your Relationship For Dummies

Paula Hall

Our writer says:

“I have been with my boyfriend for two years now. I love him, but sometimes I find the relationship hard. Or we get into a negative arguing cycle and never resolve the main problem. I felt at a loss about what to do so I was very eager to review this book. I have heard of Paula Hall and have read some of the articles she has written.

The book itself is broken down into handy sections and goes over everything from sex to boosting your relationship, knowing when to break up and how to break an arguing cycle. The latter of which I was very interested in.

I found this book to be a bit of a revelation. I just had not thought of a lot of the tips and advice. Some of it in hindsight seems obvious, but you just never think of it. The advice on communication is excellent and the idea of treating your relationship like a bank is very smart – basically you have to put effort and love into your relationship and not just take things out of it.

All in all I found the book helpful. I have even got my boyfriend involved and he even want to read it now I have finished. I recommend this book for anyone in a relationship, is has just really done what it says on the cover: improves your relationship.

 

£15.99

Valentine’s Day can be a time when couples take stock of their relationship and make effective changes for the future.    Paula Hall offers expert advice for those who want to work through tiresome niggles, address potential issues before taking the next step, cope with serious problems or simply strengthen a partnership. An essential guide for anyone wanting to improve their relationship, covering issues including cohabitation, overcoming anger and jealousy, trust, dealing with an affair, managing change and reigniting passion.

 

Emotional Healing For Dummies

David Beales and Helen Whitten

Our writer says:

“I think in life we do not pay enough attention to our emotions, and I know I have run into trouble because of it. We really do not take enough care of our emotional health. Everything in life affects us in some ways. I was already thinking that I had to pay more attention and care more about my emotional health.

The thing I liked most about this book is that it tells you about the connection between emotion and health, and emotion and food. It has ways to boost your immune system against stress and fatigue. It also has tips on enhancing emotional intelligence.

This book would be amazing for anyone who has been through anything traumatic. You really understand emotion healing, emotions. You learn how to deal with your emotions and be happier. I loved this book and I can really recommend it. This book reminded me of the saying that you have to love yourself before anyone else will. This book will help. ”

£15.99

For those who are suffering from a broken heart this Valentine’s Day Emotional Healing For Dummies can help ease the pain.  We’re a nation that bottles things up, dismissing anger, frustration, hatred and guilt as largely insignificant to our minds and bodies. But powerful emotions like these do affect us in a long-term way, not only mentally but also physically, and it’s important to know how to get them under control.   This easy to follow guide provides a toolkit of strategies to help heal emotional upset so that readers begin to feel like themselves once again after a difficult breakup.

 

For Dummies guides are available where all books and e-books are sold. Including Amazon UK, WH Smith and Selfridges.

 

 

Is There a Link Between Depression and Guilt?

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It would seem that Sigmund Freud’s theories on depression have been proved right; guilt does play a role in depression, according to MRI scans depressed people respond more strongly to guilt. Dr Sigmund Freud said that depression was characterised by feelings of guilt or self-blame, which made it different from ‘normal’ sadness.

Researchers at the University of Manchester have done brain scans on people with a history of depression and found that the brain scans differed in the regions associated with guilt and knowledge of socially acceptable behaviour from individuals who never get depressed.

The study was published in the journal Archives of General Psychiatry.

Lead researcher Dr Roland Zahn, of the University’s School of Psychological Sciences, said: ‘Our research provides the first brain mechanism that could explain the classical observation by Freud that depression is distinguished from normal sadness by proneness to exaggerated feelings of guilt or self-blame.

‘For the first time, we chart the regions of the brain that interact to link detailed knowledge about socially appropriate behaviour – the anterior temporal lobe – with feelings of guilt – the subgenual region of the brain – in people who are prone to depression.’

Dr Zahn, a MRC clinician scientist fellow, said: ‘The scans revealed that the people with a history of depression did not ‘couple’ the brain regions associated with guilt and knowledge of appropriate behaviour together as strongly as the never depressed control group do.

‘Interestingly, this ‘decoupling’ only occurs when people prone to depression feel guilty or blame themselves, but not when they feel angry or blame others. This could reflect a lack of access to details about what exactly was inappropriate about their behaviour when feeling guilty, thereby extending guilt to things they are not responsible for and feeling guilty for everything.’

The research team is now investigating whether the results from the study can be used to predict depression risk after remission of a previous episode.

Wendy's baby diary – Six months! – Guilt, isolation and men

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Six months old

Dillon was six months old on Monday the 3rd October 2011. A lot has happened in this first six months including his christening , baby swimming classes, health centre visits and weigh ins, the
dog eating the midwifes shoes, the whole experience of giving birth, going to University, starting my website http://www.femalearts.com, being off work, weaning the baby, his milestones including Dillon getting his first baby teeth, sitting up, rolling around on the floor, playing with his feet, smiling and laughing and interacting with objects and people.

I’d like to thank Catherine Balavage at Frost Magazine for offering me this blank canvas to write about Dillon. I wanted to document these moments so that in the future I can look back (hopefully Dillon will also read it) and have a record of this wonderful, life changing time.

It’s been a brilliant six months but it’s also been tiring, stressful and a lot of hard work. I’ve said in my diary about how the baby is progressing, the goods, toys and clothes we have bought for him, what activities he is enjoying and how he’s developing but I don’t think I’ve said so much about my feelings. The following topics have been on my mind recently…

Men with babies

Recently there has been a couple of TV Doctors with babies – Doc Martin has a baby, James Cordon was left holding the baby in Doctor Who – portraying what it feels like for the dad to be the primary carer –the Doctor Who story was about panic and fluster with the conclusion that dads
are actually protective loving individuals and the mums are competent women who make lists and mother both their partner and baby.

Nothing is that clear cut and I’m not sure there is a big gender difference in the way we are parents, it may just boil down to the amount of physical time spent with the baby = the more you know them = the more competent you become at dealing with them.

The only thing that aggravates me with stories on TV about dads coping alone with babies is that there aren’t an equivalent number of stories about mums coping alone with babies. Because it isn’t all confident list making and natural mothering instincts, it’s often panic, confusion, stress,
isolation and guilt.

Isolation

It’s lonely being a stay at home mum. Even though it is through choice I miss chatting to colleagues, I miss talking to my husband, I miss my family, and I miss my friends. Having another adult in the house during the day (e.g. when relatives have come to stay and at the weekend when the baby’s dad is at home) makes so much difference to my life. All the bags of stuff needed
to carry around for the baby, all the preparation that’s needed before I can leave the house, all the attention and love and care that Dillon needs – is so much easier when it’s shared.

Recently I have realised I need to make more of an effort to see my friends – especially friends who are available in the daytime. Getting out daily with the dog and the baby for walks and taking baby to classes or shopping is something but it’s not the same as being with people who know and care about me, who I can have a proper conversation with.

I can see why going back to work begins to look appealing because you can start to be yourself again and have adult interaction without constantly thinking about the baby’s needs and their safety. But employment means childcare. Which brings me onto my next subject – guilt.

Guilt

As a parent there is one thing you can be certain of – a steady almost constant feeling of guilt. I think it stems from conflict between personal needs/wants and that of your child.  My current guilty feelings are – guilt for using formula, guilt for starting weaning before six months, guilt for not weaning successfully, guilt for not establishing a pattern (of eating/sleeping), guilt for trying to establish a pattern, guilt for not living up to other people’s parenting expectations, guilt for not
returning to work yet, guilt for arranging childcare, guilt for doing my master’s degree, guilt for not being sure, guilt over baby’s eczema not clearing up, guilt for letting the dog spend time with baby, guilt for separating dog from baby, guilt for daily dressing of baby in babygro’s in attempt to stop skin contact with whatever is causing the eczema, guilt for not taking enough photos of baby, guilt for not posting all the thank you cards yet, guilt for not buying enough things for baby, guilt for spending so much money, guilt for wanting my boobs back, guilt that he cries a lot, guilt whenever I let him cry before going to him, guilt that I’m spending time writing this!

There’s too much guilt, worry, anxiety and the only consolation is the thought that other people may be feeling the same way.

Self-Medication

One of the best ways to cope is summed up with a quote from my friend BenJohn’s facebook update.

“Youngsters, you probably think booze is for enjoying and having fun. Let me assure you it is a medicine for those with children to let them relax in the gaps when they’re asleep.”

© Wendy Thomson 2011

Wendy Thomson is the editor of www.femalearts.com an online publication which promotes women in the arts and in business.

HIGH-FLYING FEMALES SHOULD NOT FEEL “GUILT” RETURNING TO WORK AFTER HAVING A BABY

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Successful women in business should not feel any guilt returning to work after having children.

They will have made the decision to return to work because it is in the best interests of their families and themselves.

Niamh O’Keeffe, MD of First100, a global company which aims to help senior women executives return to their roles after maternity leave.

Leadership performance acceleration company First100, which has offices in London, New York and Dublin, works with senior executives to put in place plans for their first 100 days in either a new role or the same role after returning from having a child.

First100 has issued a series of tips for maternity returners, including:

· Let go of the previous role as full-time mother
· Return to the work environment as a confident woman and leader
· Find the right balance between the roles of mother and senior business executive.
· Everything will have changed so prepare well in advance.

Niamh O’Keeffe said: “Once a woman has made the decision to return to work, they need to let go of their role as full-time mother and carry no guilt. Guilt is something brought on by the individual and no one else.

“The woman will have made this decision in the best interests of her and her family and they need to be pragmatic in making it work.

“Living in the moment is critical. When the woman is at home, they need to be fully at home and not juggling their laptop and BlackBerry while making the tea or reading a bedtime story. Equally, when they are at work, it is vital they are not constantly calling home to make sure everything is okay.”

Niamh added that finding the “right balance” was crucial in order to make a true success of combining being a successful woman in business with being a mother.

“The working mum needs to take time out regularly to check they have the balance right. Sometimes one area of your life can get very busy which makes it easy to lose focus in another part of your life. Taking time out to refuel and refocus is very important.

“It is also critical to set realistic expectations at work and at home as there are only so many hours in the day.”

The majority of First100’s clients are male, but the company is finding an increasing number of senior women executives asking it to help them navigate their vital first 100 days in a role or when returning from maternity leave.

First 100 days plans are becoming increasingly common-place within global organisations such as Vodafone, Accenture, Telefonica 02, BP, BT and Merck.

Niamh said: “From my own personal experience and the feedback I receive from our consultants working with clients in the UK, Ireland and United States, female business leaders often make far more willing clients.

“Women are often easier to coach than their male counterparts and more willing to listen and take on board new skills to help them succeed in challenging roles. Sometimes senior male executives are instinctively more defensive and cynical and need a little longer to be persuaded as to the merits of the coaching.

“Undoubtedly, one of the principal reasons why women are generally quicker to understand the benefits of working with companies such as First100 is that they face the added pressures of competing in a still male-dominated business world, many with the challenge of juggling huge responsibilities both at work and at home.

“Putting in place a sound strategic plan for your first 100 days whether you are taking on a new role or returning from having a baby can make all the difference between success and failure.”