Tag Archives: Help

Two-Thirds Of Brits Relying On Dream Cash Windfall To Clear Personal Debt

Posted on by

the compass of nowTwo-thirds of Britons are relying on a “dream” cash windfall to clear personal debt, new research shows.

One-in-three people believe they will land a major pay rise, win the lottery, make a fortune at the bookies, or inherit enough money to wipe the financial slate clean at some point in the future.

The majority freely admit that the likelihood of actually netting a large amount of cash unexpectedly is “improbable”.

But most continue to borrow or live beyond their means on the assumption that “the biggie”, when it comes in, will pay-off all outstanding loans, overdraft and credit card debt in one fell swoop.

Less than half of those in debt have sought professional advice about debt consolidation schemes or other repayment options, with the majority relying on non-qualified friends and family for guidance.

The poll of nearly 1,000 adults was conducted by the personal debt expert DDnard (corr), as part of an ongoing international study into borrowing behaviour.

DDnard, a Thai author whose self-help books on the subject have sold over 1.4million copies worldwide, describes those dreaming of a windfall as ‘flying ostriches’.

“It is clear that some borrowers either have their heads in the sand, or their heads in the clouds. Many do both,” she said.

“They either shy away from reality in the hope that it goes away, or they daydream about extraordinary ways in which it will be paid on their behalf.

“The sad fact is that, for most people at least, cash windfalls never materialise and those in debt must face the music and tackle the issue head-on. This is the only way to reduce personal debt and have a guaranteed debt-free future.”

Of the 921 adults questioned, 68 per cent said they were relying on an unexpected windfall. Of those, 19 per cent were hoping for a “major pay rise”, 13 per cent were counting on winning the lottery (13 per cent), and five percent were praying for a good streak at the races.

The majority were hoping for an inheritance (56 per cent), while seven per cent were reliant on the sale of their house of other valuable asset).

Less than a quarter (21 per cent) genuinely believed a windfall was probable, with 28 per cent and 51 per cent admitting it was either “possible” or “improbable” respectively.

Some 13 per cent said had not obtained professional advice because they were “unsure who to ask”, while the majority (48 per cent) seek financial advice from friends or family.

Only 39 per cent of those who were “struggling” with unsecured debt had sought professional advice from a bank or third party expert.

Food, school clothing, utility bills and other basic necessities accounted for 38 per cent of respondents’ debt.

But the remainder went into the red by purchasing “non-essentials” like expensive presents and home improvements, and by buying “extravagances” such as new cars and family holidays.

In total, 59 per cent admitted they could improve the way they handle money to avoid debt in the future. Almost the same number (41 per cent) said the cost of living is so high that personal debt is “all but unavoidable from time to time”.

The straw poll found that the overwhelming majority (56 per cent) of respondents blamed the ease at which they could obtain additional credit cards, transfer money to pay their balances, overdrafts and loans had contributed to the problem.

Others blamed the pressure of living in a “must-have” consumerist environment (16 per cent), the “buy now, worry later” mentality of peers or family (19 per cent), the desire to “live like a celebrity” (six per cent), and even the belief that buying things “made me happy” (three per cent).

Author and personal finance expert DDNard clawed her way back from a £2million debt following the unexpected death of her husband, a diamond magnate.

The self-help guru, whose new book The Compass of Now has just been released in the UK, said overcoming a mountain of debt isn’t easy, but that can be achieved by taking “one small step at a time”.

“This generally begins by accepting that you have a problem, or that one looks set to arise,” she said. “Once you are able to fully acknowledge a potentially problematic situation, you are better prepared to go about reversing it.

“The golden rule with debt, however small or large it might be, is not to bury your head in the sand and rely on a miracle – or a million-pound cash windfall. Seek expert advice and take matters into your own capable hands.”

The Compass of Now by DDnard (Life Compass Co., Ltd.) is available now.

Bestseller Enables Those In Financial Or Emotional Debt To Turn Life Around

Posted on by

 By 27, she owed £2million.


By 29, she was debt-free.

 

By 35, she was worth £4million.

 

The Compass of Now  follows one woman’s incredible journey from destitute widow to one of the world’s most powerful entrepreneurs and inspirational leaders.

 

the compass of nowIt documents, in moving detail, how she fought back from the brink of financial ruin just months after giving birth and then suddenly losing husband to a heart attack, and emerged emotionally stronger – and significantly richer – than she could have ever imagined.

 

But The Compass of Now is more than just an inspirational success story. It is the definitive guide to taking control of your finances – and your life. It’s step-by-step advice to financial and emotional freedom has already made the book a global phenomenon with more than 1.4million sales worldwide.

 

Author and self-help guru DDnard is the bestselling writer of all time in her native Thailand and one of the country’s most sought-after celebrities. She is now set to become a household name in Britain with the release of an English-language version of The Compass of Now, which hits the shelves for the first time this month.

 

This internationally-acclaimed title, released through Life Compass Publishing, merges the best of Eastern and Western world thinking, mindfulness and emotional healing techniques to reveal the practical, tried-and-tested steps that Brits – including the estimated 70 per cent in debt – can take in order to:

–          Manage and overcome personal debt

–          Become financially and emotionally free

–          Unleash their full potential and live life to the fullest

Speaking about the 216-page, full-colour paperback, DDnard, who lives in Bangpakong, Thailand, said: “This inspiring book is filled with the message of hope and personal strength, and will help you come to understand that your future truly is in your own hands.”

The Compass of Now by DDnard (Life Compass Co., Ltd.) is available now.

 

A Man Is Not A Financial Plan – New Book Aims To Help Women Take Control

Posted on by

The Wealthy Woman: A Man is Not a Financial Plan: A Woman's Guide to Achieving Financial Security‘The Wealthy Woman – a man is not a financial plan’ is published January 2014.

 

Mary Waring has worked with 100s of women helping them take control of their finances.

 

Far too many women find ‘dealing with the money’ a daunting task and leave it in the hands of their partners. However, this can leave them with little control over their own financial lives and sadly, if they then get divorced or are widowed, they are left floundering with little understanding of how much money they have, or don’t have, and what this means to their lifestyle.

 

By understanding your finances and taking control you can make your money work for you. That’s the message in Mary Waring’s new book ‘The Wealthy Woman: A Man is Not a Financial Plan: A Woman’s Guide to Achieving Financial Security’ published January 2014.

 

“Many women tell me that they simply don’t do maths – and this mental block seems to be an epidemic among women everywhere. However, these are often admirable women with high-level jobs. My message is simple – you are more than able to handle all of your finances,” says Mary Waring.

 

So, do you want to be more confident about your finances?  Do you want to be a wealthy woman?

“Wealthy” will mean different things to different women. It doesn’t necessarily mean “rolling in it” and having so much money that you’ll enter The Times ‘rich list’. It may simply mean you feel confident you will have enough money to do the things that you plan to do in the future, no matter how lavish or frugal a lifestyle you lead.

Mary’s book will guide you on your journey to become a wealthy woman by showing you how taking small steps on a regular basis can lead to a significant increase in your wealth.

If you currently have such a lack of control over your finances that you are too afraid to open your credit card statement at the end of the month, this book will show you how to take control.

 

“The Wealthy Woman” will encourage you to think about your attitude towards money and your relationship with it.

As Mary says; “It’s easy to be wealthy just as it’s easy to be poor. There’s very little difference in the way you can become either. You are in a position where you can improve your wealth. Whatever your dreams and aspirations around money there is nothing to stop you moving towards those dreams.”

 

Mary Waring is an independent financial adviser and the founder of Wealth For Women, specialising in financial advice to women going through divorce. She is both a Chartered Financial Planner and a Chartered Accountant, being one of only a handful of advisers in the whole of the UK with this high level of qualification.

 

Mary is passionate about changing the way women think about finance. Too many women stick their head in the sand and ignore it. Or…rely on a man to sort it for them.

 

‘The Wealthy Woman: A Man is Not a Financial Plan: A Woman’s Guide to Achieving Financial Security’ is published in January 2014 and is available from Amazon and all good bookstores.

How to Quit Sugar in 12 Steps

Posted on by

get off sugar, no sugar diet, should i give up sugar, is sugar bad for you, the white stuff, is sugar evil,Sugar makes our food tastier, gives us a quick boost of energy, and leaves us feeling great, at least temporarily. But it’s also a highly addictive substance and, when consumed frequently, can have negative effects on our health and well-being, with symptoms ranging from energy dips, a ‘sluggish’ feeling and poor skin, to more severe health problems including obesity, diabetes, premature aging, and many other chronic health conditions. Fat was traditionally blamed for many of these problems, but sugar is now shown to be far more harmful than fat! For this reason, and simply to feel or look healthier, many of us are taking the positive decision to cut out or drastically reduce the amount of sugar in our diets.

We enlist the help of Nutritional Therapist, Cassandra Barns, at nutricentre.com to give us The Ultimate 12 Step Sugar-Free programme.

Portion Control

Cassandra advises, ‘Aim for foods that have a low glycaemic load, as their impact on blood sugar level is minimal and you’ll be less likely to experience blood glucose highs and lows that will have you reaching for the cookie jar. Make sure each meal includes protein, non-starchy vegetables and unrefined carbohydrates. Limit sweet tasting veg (parsnips, potato and carrots) and opt for green veg like broccoli and spinach, ideally making up half your plate. Good protein (lean turkey, eggs, fish, beans) are digested slowly and make you feel fuller for longer, carbs should be wholegrain varieties for the same reason.’’

I must not skip breakfast

According to Cassandra, ‘’If we don’t have breakfast, often by 11 am or midday, we become hungry and crave sugar, as our blood sugar levels drop too low. Try two poached eggs on a slice of wholemeal bread with some rocket leaves or a pot of sugar-free yoghurt with nuts and berries.’’

Quit sugar, not snacks

‘’A healthy snack between meals can help while you’re giving up sugar, as it stops your sugar levels dropping too low, which can cause sweet cravings. Good examples include: two oatcakes topped with a tablespoon of humus or guacamole or cottage cheese and half an avocado. Avoid bananas and grapes and opt for berries as they are naturally low in sugar.’’ Cassandra warns.

Limit alcohol

‘’Alcohol raises blood sugar, but being a liquid, it is even more quickly absorbed into the bloodstream than sugar. Alcohol also contains more calories than sugar: 7 calories per gram versus 4 calories per gram! Alcohol binges are a classic way to set up a cycle of cravings for sugary, stodgy foods the day after. Stick to one small to medium glass of wine with a meal once or twice a week’’, advises Cassandra.

Look after your gut

Cassandra explains ‘’Overgrowth of unhelpful yeasts in the gut, such as candida, can contribute to, or exacerbate sugar cravings. Ironically, eating sugar and high-starch foods makes the candida overgrowth worse, so we become stuck in a catch-22 situation. To help solve this, try taking a high-strength, good quality probiotic supplement such as ProVen’s ‘Adult Probiotic 25 Billion’ £12.95 from www.provenprobiotics.co.uk , loaded with friendly bacteria.’’

Go easy on the tea and coffee

Caffeine is a stimulant that causes our body’s stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline to be released, which in turn cause a cycle of energy dips and peaks, and make you more likely to crave sugar later on. Decaffeinated coffee and tea contains other stimulants, so try better options such as naturally caffeine free rooibos tea or grain based coffee alternatives.

Consider natural sugar alternatives

Xylitol is a naturally sweet substance found in many plants. In commercial preparations, it is found in granules and looks and tastes like sugar, although slightly less sweet. Stevia is a substance extracted from the leaf of the stevia plant. It is an intensely sweet substance and very little is needed to give a sweet taste – it has very few calories and minimal impact on blood glucose.

Treat yourself

Three squares of good quality dark chocolate (minimum 70% cocoa): this amount will only contain a relatively small amount of sugar, and there is also evidence that dark chocolate has health benefits or try a small pot of sugar-free plain yoghurt, with a teaspoon of pure cocoa or raw cacao powder

Chromium to control cravings

‘Chromium, this trace mineral has a vital role in supporting normal blood glucose levels, and therefore helping to prevent the dips that cause us to crave sugary foods. Try Quest Vitamin’s ‘Chromium Picolinate’ £4.04 from www.questexcellence.com. Take one tablet a day, preferably with breakfast. This supplement also contains vitamin B3, which works closely together with chromium. Chromium can take a month or longer to have its full effect, so persevere or start taking chromium before attempting to give up sugar.’ Cassandra advises


Exercise!

Cassandra stresses ‘’Moderate exercise helps us to feel energised, less sluggish, and healthier. It can help to control stress levels and also support blood sugar control to avoid dips that will induce cravings.’’

Reduce your stress

‘Stress is one of the primary triggers for sugar cravings, as our body is being prepared for physical action (the ‘fight or flight’ syndrome). So try in any way you can to reduce stress, whether it is by delegating or reducing your workload, taking some gentle exercise, or practising yoga or meditation to help you relax. Reduced stress will often mean better sleep as well, which will mean better energy levels the next day.’ explains Cassandra.

Energising vitamins and minerals

According to Cassandra ‘Most of us can benefit from extra support, to prevent tiredness triggering those pesky sugar cravings. B vitamins, vitamin C and the mineral magnesium are particularly important nutrients that are needed to produce energy from the foods that we eat; and we can struggle to get enough of them, even in a healthy diet.’

All supplements mentioned can be found at nutricentre.com. Want to give up sugar for 2014? Got a question that isn’t covered here? NutriCentre offers a free Nutritional Advice helpline manned by a team of highly qualified nutritionists, like Cassandra, ready to answer any natural health questions you may have. Advice line: 0207 436 5122, open Mon-Sat

Achieve Oscar-Winning Skin

Posted on by

While red carpet glitz and glamour is achieved by fabulous stylists and make-up artists, fresh, glowing skin is definitely the best accessory- and you don’t need a celebrity budget to look good.

Follow Facial Therapist and Skincare Expert Amanda Elias’ inexpensive solutions to Oscar-Winning Skin:

EXFOLIATING

WHY? Exfoliating removes the dead skin layer which sits on the surface of our healthy, new skin. When there is an accumulation of dead skin, it leaves the complexion looking lifeless and grey because light isn’t reflected evenly. By removing this dead skin the light will reflect evenly and directly off your healthy skin.

oscarwinningskin

HOW? You can achieve beautiful skin with scrubs but my personal recommendation would always be chemical exfoliation. Using a product daily that contains AHA’s (like Glycolic Acid or Lactic Acid) or a BHA (like Salicylic Acid) will gently exfoliate by loosening the bond that holds the dead skin to the surface, rather than scrubbing it which can cause irritation and inflammation in sensitive or problem skin. Don’t let the word acid scare you; daily use products typically contain a concentration of 10% AHA and lower so although powerful, they won’t burn the skin.

SUFFERING WITH ACNE OR BLACKHEADS? Exfoliation is the key treatment. These conditions occur when dead skin and oil gets trapped within the pores and bacteria breeds. By removing the dead skin you’re helping to prevent these blockages which in turn will reduce the breakouts. Using chemical exfoliants rather than a manual scrub will also help to fade any discolouration left over from spots.

FIGHTING THE SIGNS OF AGEING? Glycolic and lactic acid helps by increasing cell turnover, this in turn stimulates the production of collagen which is the support matrix of the skin. Collagen starts to break down as we get older which is why we want to stimulate the body to produce more; lots of collagen means plumper skin and less wrinkles.

UNEVEN SKIN ON THE BODY? If you have rough skin with red dots on your arms, thighs or bottom this could be a condition called Keratosis Pilaris. This is caused by too much keratin, found in the top layer of the skin, blocks the pores. There is no cure but exfoliating, especially with AHA’s and BHA’s, can make a dramatic difference to the appearance and texture of the skin.

So you’re well exfoliated, now there’s cleansing and moisturising.

CLEANSING is essential to keep the skin healthy and you looking your best. The majority don’t cleanse enough; twice in the evening (note evening not night) and once in the morning. If you find cleansing often strips your skin, change your cleanser. Use a cleanser designed for your skin type and steer clear of soap. With its high PH, soap can cause dryness as well as help bacteria to breed in problem skin.

MOISTURISING is vital, particularly with product that contains an SPF. In the winter UVA is still present in the atmosphere; while UVA doesn’t burn us (it’s the UVB rays from the sun that cause burning) it can still cause premature ageing and is the number one cause of ageing to our skin. No matter what anti-ageing products you use, if you don’t use an SPF daily- even when it’s grey and miserable- you’re not fighting ageing.

When choosing a moisturiser make sure you choose one for your skin type to keep your skin moisturised and therefore youthful.

If you have oily skin but you use an anti-wrinkle cream designed for mature skin, it’s likely to cause breakouts and can leave the skin looking puffy. If you don’t like moisturising because it leave a sheen on the skin, look for a moisturiser that has a matte finish.

GLOW Leonardo Dicaprio dazzled on the red carpet showing off an enviable tan recently. To get a healthy, natural looking glow I would recommend a spray tan for both men and women. If you’d rather give it a go yourself, try a tan like Cocoa Brown which gives a gentle tan in only an hour. If you have facial hair, be careful to gently rub as close to the hair as possible or you’ll have a tan line around the hair.

Highly experienced within the industry, Amanda Elias is the brains behind effective yet affordable skincare brand, Bravura London  a business founded following Amanda’s own skin problems and subsequent discovery of using AHA, BHA and Hydraulic Acid for troubled skins.

 

This Book Will Make You Calm, Confident, Happy, Sleep Book Reviews

Posted on by

January is all about becoming a better person. Hope is high and a feeling of renewal is in the air. So this series of This Book Will Make You…books came at the right time to be reviewed. Let’s find out if they can make you Calm, Confident, Happy and Sleep.

This Book Will Make You Calm, happy, confident, sleep

This Book Will Make You Calm

We got sent a lot of books on becoming calm at Christmas time and I think we all know why! We are all becoming more stressed in life and becoming calm will improve your health and life in general. The book helps you tackle anxiety and stress, it has great relaxation techniques, helps you handle panic and maintain a work-life balance. I love the techniques, graphs and strategies. I learned a lot reading this book. It is easy to lose perspective in life and forget about looking after yourself: this book reminds you what to do, and gives you lots of great, new, information too.

This Book Will Make You Happy

Being happy. One of the greatest pursuits of human beings. We seem obsessed with happiness and trying to achieve it. Following on from the format of the other book- and all of the books- the book has strategies, tests and graphs. It focuses on CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) which has become trendy and mainstream, which is not to put it down in any way, I have heard amazing things about it and it works for a lot of people. The book helps you challenge negative thoughts, combat anxiety, manage your emotions and stop procrastinating.

There are positive mind maps and the three biggest crimes against happiness. A great book to bring you closer to happiness.

This Book Will Make You Confident

Everyone wants more confidence and everyone goes through wobbly periods This book promises the tools to build your self-belief and realise your full potential with practical exercises and the latest CBT research. Each book lets you know how it all works and what CBT is. They have great mind maps and techniques which I find very useful. This is a helpful book which helps you deal with insecurity, nature self-belief, challenge your inner critic and play to your strengths. Good book.

This Book Will Make You Sleep

I have been having trouble sleeping so was happy to review this book. Especially after finding myself cleaning the oven at 2am. That is when you know you have a problem. CBT, tips and exercises fill the book, sleep myths are dispersed, sleep facts are given and the book gives great advice. I find myself sleeping better after reading it. Recommended.

This Book Will Make You Calm, Confident, Happy, Sleep by Dr Jessamy Hibberd & Jo Usmar

Released 6 January 2014

This new series for busy, creative people will give you the tools to deal with common problems from anxiety and lack of confidence to sleeplessness and general wellbeing.

Psychologist Dr Jessamy Hibberd and lifestyle journalist Jo Usmar draw on the latest cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to show how to develop coping strategies and learn practical techniques to tackle a range of problems quickly and effectively. From reducing worry and boosting energy levels to breathing and mindfulness techniques, these accessible, handy-size books will make your life more serene, stress-free and fulfilled.

About the authors:

Dr Jessamy Hibberd is a clinical psychologist who worked for the NHS before setting up her own private practice. She is a chartered member of the British Psychological Society (BPS) and accredited with the British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies (BABCP).

Jo Usmar is a freelance journalist and editor. She has contributed to a variety of national media, as well as writing a regular relationship column for Cosmopolitan. She has appeared on TV and radio commenting on lifestyle and relationship issues.

 

Managing MIL: You And Your Mother-in-Law – For Better, Or For Worse? Book Review

Posted on by

mother-in-law- advice-bookThis book starts off with a joke: “My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.” Les Dawson, this joke highlights that, traditionally, it is men that have problems with their mother-in-law. However there has been a rise in women clashing with theirs, and a number of my friends like to have a moan about their husbands mother. Marriage is hard, but even harder when there are three people in it.

Some of the real-life stories in this book are horrendous and shocking, and a few are nice. In fact the real-life stories are what I like most about the book. Learning about other peoples experience always make you feel less alone and helps to get through a rough spot. The best way to learn is from other people.

The book has rules and even suggests you start your own DIL (daughter-in-law) Club to unlock the secrets of a good mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. Where you get a group of like-minded women together and all vent anger, or share experiences: good and bad.

This is a good book. A lot of the advice is common sense: be polite, decorum goes a long way, see things her way. The book is also intelligent enough to see things from the mother-in-laws view; sometimes she cannot do anything right. All in all I thought the book was great. There is also top advice from leading relationship experts.

The top tips for managing your mother-in-law are good and this is a helpful book. It takes the view of both the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law to make it fair. Full of good advice and highly recommended.

Managing MIL: You and your Mother-in-Law – for better, or for worse? will be released by Peridot Press. You can buy it in e-book form or as a proper book.

Does your mother-in-law drive you to distraction? Are you a desperate daughter-in-law? Who is to blame? It’s hard to know when you’re stuck on the inside.

Journalist Katy Rink looks at the best and worst of this frequently tricky relationship and provides smart advice for keeping your cool, your sanity and your family intact.

How do you survive a weekend with the in-laws? Should you ever go on holiday together? How do you manage a new baby and MIL? What are the dangers of accepting that friend request on Facebook? These are just some of the tricky topics tackled.

The author calls upon the experiences of fellow daughters-in-law in her home town – at secretive get-togethers that came to be known as DIL Club – to illustrate the highs and lows of dealing with his mother.

There are plenty of anecdotes to amuse and entertain, including the DILs who received engine oil, chin hair removal cream and paper knickers as Christmas presents from their MILs; the MIL who provided itemised receipts for ice creams and charged for petrol; and the MIL who greeted news of a pregnancy with “I can’t believe you haven’t had her sterilised yet”.

You can also try and recognise your MIL from a cast of hilarious caricatures including The Apologist, The Snob, The Manipulator and The Social Climber.

But amid the horror stories there are heart-warming tales of when (and how) it all goes right, and when peace breaks out.

 

The 12 Pitfalls of Christmas And How To Avoid Them

Posted on by

vivienne_imgWhen a relationship is already struggling , Christmas can intensify that struggle. Instead of being a happy celebratory time, Christmas completely drains the joy. If you are already feeling a little under the strain and under supported, this article is for you.

The 12 pitfalls of Christmas and how to avoid them

 1 Too High An Expectation

We all have the wish for the perfect, romantic moment with the perfect gift when all our Christmas fantasies come true. There is an enormous sense of expectation on the big day and a lot of people aiming for perfection. This quest for perfection and the best Christmas ever can drain us and render both our Christmas and our partner’s efforts a disappointment. We all deserve to be happy and sometimes happiness is best reached when we stop the pressure. High expectations usually only lead to …..

2 Disappointment

The disappointment can be crushing because it feels so symbolic, as though if we are unhappy even at Christmas then we must be fundamentally miserable together. We can feel that “we” as a couple don’t want the same things in life just because “we” don’t want the same things at Christmas.

Perhaps we need to compromise our expectations, agree on how we will spend our time and efforts. “Good enough” can be very happy indeed. Decide to do something lovely for each other, so you both experience your special moment, so that potential disappointments can be curbed this Christmas.

 3 Negative Mindset

If we feel we’ve over-compromised or that we’re taken for granted before we start, then we enter into any conversation with a negative attitude which sets us up to have an argument or to fail in general.

If we look for the negatives and only notice events or things that are less than perfect this can lead to……

4 Over reaction

We all have the ability to massively over react. If we are tense to begin with, then the seemingly small stuff can push us over the edge from calm and composed to tantrum and distress. The number of people that argue over the practicalities of Christmas is probably close to 100%.

One particularly stressful practicality is packing the car. Let’s face it, this is basically an argument in a boot!  Mindset is key when it comes to the arduous errands around Christmas. If you find yourself thinking “what a nightmare all this stuff is” and “no way is it all going to fit into the car” …. Think about this before the day of travel and also turn that around to think “how great that we can give so many presents” and “This is going to be so much fun”.

After all, why spend all this time and energy and money buying the presents if you’re going to complain about packing them and the subsequent journey?

Some people have better spatial awareness than others …. be honest with yourself … how good are you at filling every crevice efficiently?  If the other person insists on doing it, let them get stuck before you wade in with your suggestions.

 5 Who’s rule is it anyway?

Christmas can seem as though it comes with an invisible but very real rule book. This rule book to be based on absolutes about the fundamental questions such as, ‘Who to spend Christmas Day with?’   Often families feel they must spend Christmas together.  Christmas Day seems to be symbolic of family and therefore if you don’t spend it with your family, you feel judged that you aren’t behaving in an accepted way. These emotionally laden rules lead to …..

6 Stress in various relationships

Many couples argue over whose parents’ turn it is to visit, and whose tradition to follow.  It may seem uncharitable and selfish to spend time with people whose company you actually enjoy.
Just because you’ve spent it with one set of people for the past 5 years, doesn’t mean you would be insulting anyone to have a change.  Handling that situation need not be as difficult as you may fear it is.

Family dynamics go into over drive. Various family members can battle over status and following certain traditions can equate to personal victories or be perceived as slights. Siblings can start to regress into squabbles befitting adolescence not middle age!

Everything can feel as though there is a hidden agenda and negative communication; even gift giving can be perceived as point scoring.  Christmas day can be reduced into a competitive battle ground with everyone trying to assert their status, for example, who’s in charge, who carves, whose pudding is better, who wouldn’t have bought the pudding but made it from scratch, whose present is more expensive, better thought out?  Competitiveness creeps in to cause many underlying feelings of guilt and undermining. Christmas is reduced to a series of unpleasant negotiations.

Focusing on how you and your partner really want to spend Christmas in a fashion that will make you truly happy is the key to sidestepping the unpleasantness. Thinking about happiness as the goal of the day and not point proving or following arduous tradition keeps you on the right track.

7  Quest for perfection

Women can often feel that how well they “do” Christmas is symbolic of how much they love and how good a wife and homemaker they are.  Women can end up putting so much pressure on themselves to get it all perfect that they set themselves up to fail, because they become stressed and grumpy therefore less fun to be around. This stress can lead to ….

8  Feeling Overwhelmed

FUN is the point of Christmas for most of us.  So, if the process of preparation drains the joy of the day, then your priorities are misconstrued however well intentioned.

Children and even partners only notice the stress – they don’t know the difference between good enough and perfection. So halve your “to do” list and go without some of the food and events but do what you are doing with a smile and you will enjoy it to and so will they!

9  Feeling Lonely  

Generally, husbands/male partners tend to care and plan somewhat less and the other partner feels “slighted”  or dismissed … that what they want to talk about is irrelevant … and this feeling of being ignored leads to ….

10  A sense of isolation

We can all feel lonely in a crowded room and never more so than at Christmas. This sense of isolation and being on your own with everything can cause stress. You can feel as though you need to take responsibility for Christmas and the emotional wellbeing of everyone and this becomes overwhelming.

Christmas and its scripts can put emotions and relationships into intense mode …. you’re supposed to feel joy and it can work to the contrary by making you feel more lonely, less connected, less valued, more miserable.

Communication is key to avoiding this pitfall. Talk to your partner about what you need to. However, you also need to talk to yourself. Strategize your efforts so that they will pay off and not completely frazzle you. If you don’t get the help you need, do less. Be fair on yourself too so that you don’t feel alone with it all this Christmas.

11  Working too hard

One partner feels taken for granted.  One partner isn’t pulling the same weight in effort as the other.  It feels symbolic that “if my partner doesn’t care as much about Xmas as I do, that means he/she doesn’t love me”. This sense of disproportion within the relationship can lead to….

12  Arguments and Disappointment

Overall, there are high expectations and the whole feeling of pressure to make this the “absolutely perfect family day” … and then add some alcohol to that and emotions quickly rise to the surface causing tension.

So logistic planning is helpful eg who’s going to contribute foodwise/drinkswise/presents …. all of this needs careful discussion beforehand.

Financially, parents tend to spend lots of money on their kids and then that sometimes leaves less for your partner’s present eg combining a Christmas present with a birthday present … it becomes a financial transaction rather than a giving or romantic one.  This is not a positive attitude to present-giving unless fully agreed with the receiver.

It is a very extended time together from eg 10 am – 9pm or even longer when visiting relatives far away which means an overnight stay is included.  So if it’s someone you don’t see regularly because you don’t want to, that too brings huge pressure of interaction to spend 36-48 hours with those people.

If you feel your relationship is coming to an end, then buying presents for the maybe “last Xmas” feels like a death looming.
How to step over these pitfalls

Whatever you decide, make that a positive decision.  Go into the situation with a positive mindset …. set it up to succeed.

Think about it – any time you meet a person who is complaining, down on themselves, or generally miserable, then your heart sinks and you don’t feel so good.

When you are greeted by someone who is smiling, open and interested, you feel their energy and the joy begins.
Prepare as best you can regarding travel logistics, presents without going into huge debt and agreeing who makes the gravy.  Have all the necessary conversations so that everyone’s expectations are met.

If there are still some issues, this is where you have to decide whether you are going to spend time with these people or not.  And if you decide that you are going to be with them, then this is when you decide how you are going to feel and behave.  If you go in with a smile on your face, you will feel happier and your experience will be happier.

We can all survive and even enjoy Christmas 2013!

Mindset is the key to a happy and fun Christmas Day.

Wishing you a happy Christmas Day.

From: Vivienne Goldstein (Relationship Coach) and
Dr Lucy Atcheson (Psychologist)

We hope this article is helpful. If you would like some bespoke therapeutic support for your relationship at one of our workshops supporting women to enhance their relationships please contact us at

Lucy@counsellingpsychologistlondon.com or Viv@viviennegoldstein.com