Tag Archives: Humour

Torn

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Frost fiction, short stories, poems, non fiction, fiction.

Eddie’s mouth was hanging open.  He wasn’t entirely sure what had happened.

Around him people were staring, forks held comically close to mouths, awkward coughs and murmurs circling the room like sharks.  Behind him a door slammed closed.

“Can I get you a towel, sir?”

The Maître D remained professionally aloof but Eddie could see sympathy in his eyes.

“I,…. think I’ll have the bill, please.”

Eddie picked up the two halves of paper, her telephone number shredded.  They’d been talking about their blind date.  She’d asked what he enjoyed.

Somehow “Chilling to Netflix” was the wrong answer.

 

Another in our new series of 100-word short stories by Tim Austin at onewordonestory.org. Whatever genre you love, there’s a story you’ll enjoy.

Come back on Friday for another. See you then!

BUSINESS OF BOOKS: TAKE FOUR WRITERS – INTRODUCING ANGELA PETCH

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Hi! … can’t believe I’m on here. I’m excited, apprehensive and honoured to share in this venture.

I love reading. I don’t think you can be a writer without being a bookworm. I panic if I’m coming to the end of a good book and feel bereft until I’m lost in another story. Although I loved English at school, my degree is in Italian. I lived in Rome as a child, worked in Sicily, met my half-Italian husband there and now, in our retirement, we spend six months of each year in Tuscany, where we run a small holiday business. Although I’ve always written, only now that our three children are independent have I been able to settle seriously to the craft. I self-published two novels set in Tuscany and they’ve been taken on by Endeavour Press. Last year I had seven stories accepted by women’s magazines and I enjoy the discipline of this genre too, so hopefully I will sell more in 2018.

However, this year I am becoming a hybrid author and returning down the indie route to self-publish “something completely different”.

In 2006 my best friend discovered she was suffering from ovarian cancer. We did lots together, including hunting for bargains in charity shops and at auctions, nicknaming each other Mavis and Dot. She was extremely brave, but she had her darker moments too and I tried to cheer her up by writing silly stories about Mavis and Dot. They made her laugh and she drew cartoon sketches of the characters, which I still have hanging on the back of our loo door. Sadly, she didn’t recover from this silent killer and I filed away my anecdotes. A couple of years ago I pulled one out to read at a writing group and raised a laugh. So, I decided to develop the stories and put together a novella. There will be illustrations and I’m busy searching for the right artist as I type.

I feel rather wobbly about Mavis and Dot, but I dearly want them to succeed as I intend to donate any profits to Cancer Research. Humour is notoriously hard to pull off and my usual style is literary, so I have to banish the goblin from my shoulder telling me I am writing drivel that nobody will find amusing. My launch date is mid-November, but I know time whizzes by faster than a bargain snatched off a charity shop shelf. So, I need to get down to business. And that is the main cause of my wobbles. Going indie again means getting my act together with social media and marketing. When I see telecom engineers at the side of the road working on control panels, plugging wires into holes, it makes me think of me procrastinating over algorithms, metadata, BISAC codes, author platforms and networking. Which hole should I connect with, – when and how? However, I have also made virtual friends on-line with a whole bunch of supportive authors and bloggers in the past months and, although there’s a mountain to climb, I want to scale this peak.

Time is the thing, isn’t it? And discipline. We are blessed with three children and four very young grandchildren (with another on the way), and when we are in England during our six winter months they keep us busy.   I will stop bleating about that because I know there are many authors who burn the midnight oil and squeeze their writing into fewer hours than I have. Wish me luck, nevertheless. “Live where you fear to live”, said the 13th century poet, Rumi.

 

 

Stupid Things People Write In Acting Casting Breakdowns

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Stupid Things People Write In Acting Casting Breakdowns, acting, auditions, castings, acting advice, acting book, casting breakdowns Ah, casting breakdowns, audition notices. Whatever you want to call them, they sure can frustrate. An actor will generally spend more time applying for acting roles than acting or even attending auditions. Acting is a game of numbers and applying to casting calls can be soul destroying indeed. Especially when they include any of the criteria below. Luckily I can find the humour in it. Like my dad says, ‘If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.’

 

Must be able to convey emotion. Jeez, that will be hard, it’s not that actors are trained in conveying emotion or anything.

We want real people, not actors. Really? Then why advertise on an ACTING JOB SITE. Idiot.

Nudity is required. All of the time but generally only for women.

Payment for lead actor only. Great, everyone else can just live on fresh air and pay their rent with fairy dust. That’ll work.

Female wanted. Character name: “The Girl”. Because in real life women are not known by their names, only by their gender. Oh, and they are ‘girl’ no matter how old they are apparently. Which is fine, because most of the people behind these castings want an 18-year-old. I wrote an article on this problem in the acting industry here.

Must be able to act. Really?

For women: Must be slim. Because a persons body mass impacts directly on their acting talent apparently.

For women: Must have long hair: Read: must be fuckable. So many castings just suit a stereotypical male ideal of female beauty. It is so sad

No acting experience needed. Because why hire actual actors when you can just hire someone off the street? It is not like we are trained professionals or anything.

 

These came just off the top of my head. I will continue to write about silly things in casting breakdowns in the hope that they improve somehow. Please add your own casting breakdown fails below or email them to frost magazine@gmail.com and I will include them in the next post. Let’s try and change the industry, even if we have to use tiny baby steps.

 

If you are an actor then check out my book How To Be a Successful Actor: Becoming an Actorpreneur. It is available in print and in all eBook formats on both Smashwords and Amazon. 

 

 

 

 

For Those Aaaah Soles In Your Life

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ahhhsoleassholetshirt

Frost can think of a few people we would like to buy this t-shirt for. Might be better to send it anonymously though….

The ‘Aaaah Sole’ t-shirt features Cedric The Sole in a flattering pose.

£17.99 from www.gonecrabbing.co.uk

Legendary Anchorman Ron Burgundy’s Book Jacket Is Revealed

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Legendary Anchorman Ron Burgundy now has a book deal with Random House. His tell-All Autobiography LET ME OFF AT THE TOP! should be hilarious and is set for November 2013 International Release.

Ron Burgundy book

Ron Burgundy, the esteemed broadcast journalist, has reached agreement with Crown Archetype, an imprint of Random House’s Crown Publishing Group, to write his memoir. LET ME OFF AT THE TOP!: My Classy Life and Other Musings will be published simultaneously in the U.S., U.K., Canada, and Australia in print and digital formats on November 19, 2013.

 

Ron Burgundy is known to all as the lead anchorman of San Diego’s award-winning Action 4 News Team and anchor of the first 24-hour news channel, GNN (Global News Network), but few know the real man behind the news desk. In LET ME OFF AT THE TOP! he will share never-before-told stories of his childhood and the events that led him to choose a career in the news business. He will offer a rare glimpse behind the camera into the real life of a man many consider to be our greatest living news anchor. In his own words, he will share personal anecdotes about the women in his life, about his dog, Baxter, and his legendary news team. Along the way, he’ll also give sage advice on a variety of topics that matter most to him. The long wait is over. Ron Burgundy pulls no punches in this widely anticipated, fully authorized tell-all autobiography.

 

Mauro DiPreta, Vice President, Editor in Chief at Crown Archetype, acquired the book from Creative Artists Agency and will edit. Jack Fogg, Editorial Director at Century, an imprint of the Random House Group, will publish the book in the U.K. and Australia.

“I don’t know if it’s the greatest autobiography ever written. I’m too close to the work,” Burgundy said, adding, “I will tell you this much: the first time I sat down and read this thing . . . I cried like a goddamn baby, and you can take that to the bank!”

“The list of legendary American broadcast news journalists is short:  Edward R. Murrow, Walter Cronkite, and, of course, Ron Burgundy,” says DiPreta. “The printed page will allow Ron to tell his story in a much more intimate way. LET ME OFF AT THE TOP! will be a classic for years to come.”

 

Burgundy has had a huge, cultural impact in the U.K. and Australia as well. Said Fogg, “Burgundy’s influence on news reading is evident in the work of such legends as Richard Baker, Moira Stuart, Brian Henderson, and the early years of Jeremy Paxman. LET ME OFF AT THE TOP! will put an end to the many rumors and debates surrounding Ron and reveal the inner workings of a legendary broadcaster. His international fans will have themselves a book for the ages.”

 

Ron Burgundy is a trailblazer and an icon in television journalism. He and the Action 4 News Team will be honored at Washington, D.C.’s  Newseum with an installation of mementos and keepsakes of their time and impact in San Diego that will begin in December. On December 20, he will star as himself in Paramount Pictures’ Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues.

 

Top 5 Rude Gifts

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Want to buy someone a gift with a difference? Make it a little naughty, Take a look at these Top 5 Rude Gifts, just don’t blame us if it goes wrong.

The W Anchor mug is the rudest cup this year, selling like hot cakes to all those with humour and have mates who suit it! Just make sure you get the joke before you drink out the mug. Even better buy it for your mate, colleague or boss (if you dare)

Don’t sue us if you’re sacked!

wanker mug, w'anthor mug, rude gifts

The W Anchor Mug is just £5.95 from: prezzybox.com

 

Shag Yourself Slim: The Most Enjoyable Way to Lose Weight

Educational, naughty and fun. This book will surely be appreciated.

Shag yourself slim, shagging, lose wieght, sex

I Have Paid My Tax Now Go Fix Some F****** Potholes Tax Disc Holder

Wholly inappropriate and very funny. Might get you into trouble though….

I Have Paid My Tax Now Go Fix Some F****** Potholes Tax Disc Holder

Swearing Parrot Keyring

Endless fun and cute too boot.

Swearing Parrot Keyring - Adult Only Novelty Toy

The Rude Puzzler

Hours of fun and works the mind too. Just maybe not in the right way.

rude gifts, puzzles, puzzle bookWhat do you think? Would you buy one?

Get a Gold Medal Relationship by Jenni Trent Hughes

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GET A GOLD MEDAL RELATIONSHIP

by Jenni Trent Hughes, relationship expert for eharmony.co.uk

How an athlete prepares for podium success can teach us a lot about how we can strive to find a good relationship, enjoy the experience and deal with any knock-backs along the way. So, with the world’s finest athletes about to take centre stage in London, eHarmony®, the online matchmaker, applies the key traits of sports psychology to help singles achieve dating success.

“There are certain characteristics that athletes share and these are all values and beliefs that can help us not only in relationships but across all elements of our daily life.” Jenni Trent Hughes, relationship expert, eHarmony.co.uk. So whether you’re a novice dater or a relationship pro, put Jenni’s four gold medal winning traits in to action:

1) Confidence – when athletes feel confident, they are more readily able to turn sporting potential into superior performance. If someone like Usain Bolt walks into the stadium feeling threatened by his competitors or imagining all the possible things that might go wrong even he will be unlikely to end up on the podium. Many of us go into relationships holding up the possible negatives, dragging in past disappointments, and then walking straight into the result we’ve expected.

· Relationship tip: Raise your expectations: Winners are winners even before they first win. Date with confidence in yourself and allow future partners a fresh slate when entering a relationship.

2) Stamina – is an essential quality for a championship sportsman or woman, especially in events like the marathon or swimming where you really need to go the distance. Using your energy wisely means you will have enough of it in reserve when you need that little bit extra to achieve success. It’s the same in a relationship. If you’re aiming for a long run you should be prepared to go the distance to gain the best of the rewards.

· Relationship tip: Spend your emotional energy wisely. Avoid unnecessary drama, make love not war – avoid emotionally engaging in trivial matters, and save your energy for bigger matters that truly count.

3) Control – the difference between those that make it to the big league and those that don’t is the unwavering belief that they deserve to be there. They believe they are in command of the situation and have the necessary skills to achieve their desired result.

· Relationship tip: You are in control of you. Don’t fret and worry about what the other person is doing, thinking or saying – you can’t control that. Concentrate on your own behaviour and be responsible for it. Behave in a way that you feel will produce the best results.

4) Perseverance – unexpected stumbling blocks are inevitable for athletes, singles and couples alike. How you react in the face of adversity is often what determines the height your career reaches and it is the same in relationships. Michael Jordan famously said: “I have failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.” Be it a sports injury, performance slump or any of the hitches that a relationship may experience, positive thinking techniques aid recovery, keep your attitude on track and keep on the road to the relationship medal podium.

· Relationship tip: Don’t throw in the towel. If you’ve done your homework in advance then ensure you work together to resolve any conflict. You’re a team after all.

“Remember, you deserve to succeed, and while you may not be able to win gold for the 100 metre race you can certainly be a winner in the dating race!” Jenni Trent Hughes, relationship expert, eHarmony.co.uk

Why you should enter The Lions Den by Richard Wright

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Tuesday nights aren’t exactly the most rocking night of the week. You don’t ever go “man it’s Tuesday that’s fantastic”. But I have something that might change that for you. I come to you with a proposal. I offer you an evening of fun for only £4. I present to you The Lions Den Comedy Car Crash. Held every Tuesday night at Bar Rumba this comedy night provides a great night of stand up in central London for a very reasonable price. This is where I started out and it is a very friendly night for first timers. Let me tell you more.

 

The Lions Den Comedy Car Crash is an open mic night where you will always get the chance to see comedians taking their first baby steps into the world of Comedy. And that’s not all. You are guaranteed a great MC and a mix of acts with variety of experience. You need to know more? Well, umm, they now have comfy chairs which when you are seeing potentially 25-30 acts is something that matters. The downstairs venue at Bar Rumba provides a nice backdrop for the comedy and there are deals on drinks ordered before 8pm.

 

There are some great reasons to come to the Lions Den. Supporting emerging stand up comedy is encouraging and seeing the future of comedy today. I love playing the Lions Den because it is ran well by good people who care. It is a great, friendly atmosphere and worth every penny of the £4 and more but it’s only £4.

 

So to wrap this up – good MC, acts that are honing their skills, brand new acts taking their first steps and all for the price of £4. You should get down and check it out.

 

Find The Lions Den Comedy Car Crash every Tuesday from 7:00pm at 36 Shaftesbury Avenue, London, W1D, 7EP.