Tag Archives: ken clarke

Londoners Life 16 – by Phil Ryan

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I’m sorry but I have to say it. The Olympics are coming to London. And just as an example of how great it’s going to be, I thought I’d tell you my experiences with the ticketing system. Briefly, here’s an overview of how it works. Initially you had to apply for a password and set up an account. Then you found you could only buy London Olympic tickets with a Visa card. Then you found you could only actually ‘bid’ for tickets. Not buy them. Huh? This meant that you had to effectively gamble just like buying a lottery ticket – and try and buy (gamble) thousands of pounds of Olympic tickets to get any chance of getting any.

BUT then you didn’t know exactly what tickets to what events you would be sent (if any), you didn’t exactly when or where you’d be going (if you went at all) and then finally the prices jumped from £20 to £400 in the blink of an eye. So effectively, you could ‘bid’ for £3000 worth of tickets only to find, instead of seats at the Opening ceremony or the 100m final, you’d actually ‘won’ two £95 tickets to the pigeon scaring finals in Kidbrooke!

With me so far?

But then as you entered this baffling surreal world of not knowing what, how much you were paying or where you were going – the website continuously blocked you doing anything at all! Half the time, nothing was available apart from the 100m Female Drag Queen Arguments bronze medal qualifiers from Putney. It seemed all the main events in the Olympic stadium were suddenly mysteriously all unavailable. Apart from if you chose to buy tickets in Germany, for example, where you could buy any tickets you wanted!!!

Naturally I didn’t get offered any tickets. I’m not German.

BUT then came the second gambling round for the ‘unlucky’ ones. So with a sense of foreboding, I entered the site to find even less choice of events at £300 ticket, all nowhere near the Olympic Park. Examples: Olympic FOOTBALL? Olympic TENNIS? What’s that all about? So I gave up. What’s the point? It’s simply a fat cat corporate junket we Londoners are sadly paying for.

To recap – I’m a Londoner so some of my taxes (yes, Londoners are the only people paying Olympic tax) go towards the games and my chances of going are clearly zero. Only London could create such a ticketing system. I’ve decided to not be in London those two weeks. There is no point. Ho hum.

Wimbledon is here. And so unsurprisingly is the rain. But this year they’ve got that roof from Thunderbirds so they’ll be able to presumably play on. However, I noticed they hadn’t used it much – preferring instead to have TV coverage full of Sue Barker talking endlessly to various elderly tennis stars of yesteryear. Weird.

And I love the Londoners’ attitude to Wimbledon. I heard radio coverage of the public’s thoughts. Was it excitement at the thought of days of stunning world-class tennis? No. Mainly the thought of more traffic congestion and less places to park. Apparently, the traffic wardens outnumber the strawberries this year.

We Londoners are hardy folk though. In the face of adversity we just carry on. And yesterday, I saw the brilliant sight of a crowd of tube passengers exiting Baker Street into the pouring rain all lifting their Metro newspapers above their heads at the same time. It looked like a modern dance company. You could have set it to music. Of course it didn’t work, but it was great to see them all copy each other in the who can make the ‘most papiere mache first’ game! Best of all, however, right next to the exit, there was a little smiling Indian bloke flogging umbrellas from a bicycle. He was yelling: “Umbrellas, umbrellas, best in town’. What a star! He’ll probably end up being Mayor. He’s got my vote.

Talking of our glorious Mayor for London, I see the campaigns are now seriously starting. Ken is back and so are the other usual pointless candidates. Most of them so bland that when they stand in front of a beige wall they simply disappear. I saw a Liberal Democrat being interviewed and even the interviewer lost interest. She kept glancing past him – clearly hoping a tourist or a drunk would interrupt.

For those of you unclear about things – the London Mayor and his office are yet another level of bureaucracy we pay through the nose for. They spend much of their time meeting about things that don’t ever happen. And when they do make things happen, we just get a bigger bill. A classic case are the fantastic BLUE cycle highways. Millions of pounds of blue lanes painted onto the road. Very safe for cyclists. Clearly cars can’t cross the blue paint – oops yes they can. Doh! But we do provide employment for Boris and his hangers-on currently, up until he tries to take over the Conservative Party. But right now he’s doing his best to mess about with London. And when he’s not screwing things up we have our local councils.

My favourite current example of London madness at official level is a fantastic new idea for local high streets. London councils are creating pop-up shops to give the illusion that our high streets aren’t dying – although of course they are. These pop up shops are usually local artists flogging their work, which I admit is nice, but on the other hand, after a long day, few Londoners go home thinking’ if only I can get a graphic representation of the Queen as a chimpanzee playing the banjo locally’.

The other madder idea is to put plastic coverings on the empty shop fronts. In other words, either stick ugly advertising for Mcdonald’s or some other corporate monster that destroys high streets (no sense of irony these councillors) or in some cases, pretend shops. Yes really. Pretend shops! They look like a flower shop or a grocery shop, but they’re not real! It’s great to watch bemused locals trying to walk in. Bang. They bounce off the locked door and then realise it’s just a big graphic poster with a 3D effect. Seriously, they are out there! You couldn’t make it up really. But it is the London way. We are innovators.

But seriously. Do we care about being ripped off over the Olympics? Is the Mayor going to make the slightest bit of difference to anything? And will it stop us enjoying the summer? No. It’s just a London thing.

The Look from the left: GORDON! Back in a flash to save every lefty one of us!

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A Look from the Left at the muddle in the middle by Richard Wright

Week 2: GORDON! Back in a flash to save every lefty one of us!

This week the commons saw the return of Gordon Brown to public life. Oh how we have missed thee. And just in time for the upcoming release of the final Shrek film on DVD and Blu-Ray. Former PM Brown used his speech to support the two aircraft carriers and if there is anyone who knows about taking over a sinking ship its Gordon. I’ve missed Gordon I really have. Sure he looks like a living toby jug and has, roughly speaking, the same personality as one. But you knew where you stood with Gordon. He wasn’t a horrible political clone. He was unique. There will never be another Prime Minister like him. Half of me is saddened by that but sadly that half is being drowned about by the party that’s going on in my other half. As it always has been Gordon stands defeated by show over substance. And no, that’s not a fat joke.

But Mr Ed if you are reading this, and you’re not, Gordon may have a broken leg politically speaking but that’s no reason to put him down. Did you the like the horse metaphor? And the Mr Ed thing? That was intentional. That’s right I’m a classy writer. For this writers money Gordon can still be very useful. The coalition government is lacking a little experience and that could well play into Labours hands in the long run. Well lacking experience if you don’t count Teresa May who is old as Medusa and similar looking into the bargain. And there goes the class out of the window. Also the truthfulness of the piece because as an A-level political student she was the closest thing I could find to attractive at Westminster. But at the time I thought Nicola Sturgeon wasn’t bad looking so I question my sanity there a little. This was all in 1999 and that was quite some time ago. I might be sliding off topic slightly. Back on point: Gordon Brown – party statesman. The Ken Clarke of the Labour Party if you will. Only far less annoying and pointless.

The problem was Gordon Brown is fundamentally unlikeable. However as a Labour Party elder statesman, a background player, a consultant he could be very useful indeed. The man was in the two most important positions in British Political life and that has to count for something. Much like Ole Gunnar Solskjaer was a super sub for Man Utd so Gordon could play a blinder from the back bench. He could create a role for himself that augments and strengthens Labours agenda. After last week’s spending review the Labour Party has taken a lead over the Government in two separate polls. Now I am a massive sceptic when it comes to polling data as the only real poll that matters is a general election. And Labour is, to be fair, a good way off winning one of those. However polls do help shape public perception at least a little and this in encouraging for Mr Ed. The joy for Mr Ed is that because Gordon was such a failure as Prime Minister he really doesn’t have to do that much to look impressive. Basically look like he has a pulse and the battle is half won. But that should also lessen the intimidation factor. Yes Mr Ed I get it, you want to create a new Labour to replace New Labour but Gordon was never New Labour so why not make him a part of your new Labour. It’s getting complicated again.

I think Gordon Brown would be excellent as some kind of Party Chairman, something akin to the way they work in America only with less power. A Howard Dean for the Labour Party. Gordon if you’re reading this, and you’re not, then your party needs you still. I know it’s like watching your girlfriend making out with another bloke but forget it Gordon she left you. Leave it she’s not worth it Gordon she was never the right one for you. And that’s not actually a bad analogy. Gordon Brown and being leader of the Labour Party was like a relationship that was destined to never work. It’s the girl you long for, the girl you wish was yours and when it finally happens it’s not the way it should have been. It’s like Ross and Rachel on Friends.

The public waited a long time for them to get it together and the public waited a long time for Gordon Brown to be PM. But imagine if you had waited all that time on Ross Gellar and Rachel Greene kissing and then after the kiss Ross developed erectile dysfunction and Rachel decided she was really a nun. This happened to Gordon. Sort of. I hope you get what I am trying to say with this cause I’m not even sure I do. Gordon the relationship is over. You’ve moved on, she’s moved on and we’ve moved on. But Gordon there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s called political experience. You might lack any gravitas, emotional or charismatic authority and you may look an awful lot like Shrek but you can still play a role. Mr Ed is going to need all the help he can get and I’m sorry but Harriet Harman, Ed Balls and the grumpy old umpire of the front bench aren’t gonna be enough. Gordon – your party needs you. Sort of. You can indeed save everyone one of us. Sort of.