Tag Archives: londoners

Dedication for Meditation with Inhere Meditation Pods

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“Meditation is bringing the mind home” – Sagyal Rinpoche The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

City life is not only fast and furious but also taxing on our mind and body’s. It seems like everyday is a rise and grind affair and time we dedicate to ourselves is ever dwindling. Yes, we often give ourselves a break and take time away from work to rest and recuperate and relax away from our homes, but what about those moments in life when we are unable to escape the norm. There has to be some kind of respite that we can achieve in our natural habitat. Major tech companies are starting to focus some attention on how to ensure their staff are functioning at their best by introducing sleep pods, break out rooms etc, but what about everyone else. What do you have at your workplace which allows you to align your thoughts and get back to you? 

Inhere founded by Adiba Osmani and Ghazal Abrishamchi  provides Londoners with meditation studios in Central London. Inhere meaning ‘to exist from within’ became the companies ethos and they wanted to bring a sacred meditation space to utilise within the workplace so they developed their revolutionary Meditation Pod. To debut their pod in an adequate location, they teamed up with luxury co-working space Uncommon and unveiled their creation for customers to use at their leisure. The collaboration was born, as both Inhere and Uncommon are based on the same values. Uncommon’s workplaces are based around health and wellbeing paired with design and technology. The spaces are designed to create an environment which are open and natural using plenty of outdoor light, plants and woods.

The Uncommon spaces showcase the new meditation pod which is a little ‘haven away from London Life’. With a selection of 10, 15, 20 and 30 minute guided meditations, customers can choose from an array of soothing sounds to accompany their relaxation time. The pod is a safe enclosure created from wood and allowing plenty of natural light to flood in to create a bright and airy space. Customers can lounge, sit or lie horizontally on the comfiest meditation chair complete with foot rest and place the headset on to drift into your own relaxation time. Alongside this, Inhere are set to open the most advanced drop-in meditation studio in Central London targeting City workers helping to bust any work related stress. 

To find out more about Inhere visit https://www.inherestudio.com

To book spaces at Uncommon and try out the new meditation pods visit https://www.inherestudio.com 

Chill Out On Blue Monday With The Chillbox Greek Frozen Yogurt Giveaway

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With this Monday 21st set to be the most depressing day of the year*,Chillbox Greek frozen yogurt is offering Londoners the opportunity to WIN a delicious delivery of treats to their workplace to beat ‘Blue Monday’ with an exclusive twitter competition #chilledbluemonday.

Running from Thursday 17th to Monday 21st January lucky Londonites only need to retweet a competition tweet from @Chillbox_uk to be in with a chance of winning a supply of Chillbox Greek yogurt for their office.

Winners can choose from a selection of either natural or chocolate frozen yogurt with various endorphin-releasing toppings such as; strawberries, bananas and milk chocolate buttons or for a healthier treat opt for blueberries, nuts and honey.

Don’t let the January blues get your office down this Monday and start spreading the Greek Yogurt news for your chance to receive some frozen treats.

Londoner’s Life 27 – by Phil Ryan

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Well the last weeks in London have been characterized by terrible weather. A huge disappointment for London retailers when everybody went away on Holiday for Easter and of course the ever pointless Mayoral elections. My favourite little story however was how much Oyster Cards steal people’s money. It’s incredible, a po faced TFL official blamed customers inability to touch in and out correctly! But then when you start looking into it because we are so trusting we all assume even when we do ‘correctly’ touch in and out the right money will be taken. WRONG. It’s a bit of a lottery apparently. There were thousands of tweets and emails with various folks pointing out that they had random sums (almost all large) swiped from them (no pun intended) It seems you have to check your travel history. The best way is to set up an online account and then track each journey – how very convenient. But the sums erroneously taken head into the tens of millions which is staggering. System error kept cropping up from various commentators. So now we travellers must understand that the beep doesn’t mean the money we expect has been taken. It probably means some money or some amount has been taken.
So now you’ve been told.
The current dip in the housing market is being written off as spring related. But in truth apart from the mortgage companies making it virtually impossible for young Londoners to get any money from them the prices continue to rise. HUH? How does this work exactly. Every month a new ghastly London tower block – sorry – designer apartment complex pops up with a fancy marketing brochure and is apparently snapped up. By who exactly? Well it’s more bad news I’m afraid. The rental sector is now easy pickings for rich non UK-based individuals and companies who are cash rich and able to negotiate block deals. They see rental as an easy way to hide and store their money. It’s a better bet than lousy interest rate banks and savings companies. And of course it just keeps rents artificially high and secondly shuts out local people from living and buying in their own areas. So when you look at a block where a few people have paid staggering sums for some concrete and glass designer shoe box the chances are that most of the block was already purchased at a knock down rate. Building companies like the deal as they often sell ‘off plan’ ie they draw up plans – sell the idea to rich foreign backers – and then use their money to actually build their latest blight on the landscape. No one builds houses anymore. Where’s the profit? Where’s the funding going to come from.
Hm.
On a cynical but weary London note I see that the citizens of Brixton are complaining of the rampant gentrification of their area. Locals are watching as their manor is slowly overpricing itself. And pushing them out. Of course the local Council love it. They get rid of the people in the once poorer troublesome areas and their folk. They can overpriced the Council Tax as houses and flats jump into higher tax bands. My favourite comment was from one guy who went into what used to be his local café and was offered bruschetta and olives! Poor sod was looking for egg and chips but now it was very ouef a la frites at £10.95 with hand brushed Brazilian honey rolls.
Right onto happy news of a sort. It’s coming up to a bumper year of London-based events. So Londoners can effectively play night and day for many months. The Queens Jubilee is the first of many events designed to promote Great Britain PLC (a minor division of the Qatari Investment Corporation) and thousands are supposedly flocking in to see the river pageant and take part in the street parties. Then comes the biggest corporate event of the decade. The Olympic Games (four tickets available to Londoners) will spin-off into endless Corporate junkets and promotions. I mean to say the food sponsor is McDonalds! Irony or what. Who’s in charge of customer relations Robert Mugabe? But it does mean London will see some incredible sights so we have to try to take a small crumb of comfort from that. I’m told the West End theatres are dreading the time – but I think locals will go to the theatre (if prices drop below those affordable only by having the income of an oil millionaire) So lots to look forward to.
And finally on trends. We’ve seen the Sushi restaurants, the tiny dogs and the tiny car invasion. But now we have the discount card and promotion explosion. London seems to be awash with ‘offers’. Every newspaper in town now has its own loyalty reward card – and the offers brigade are growing like wildfire from Groupon, Wowcher, Taste Card, Wedge Card (this one the only genuinely decent one) But it seems our capital is full of 50% or get one buy two type offers. I’d hate to run a small business in this new half price landscape. You have to join in or get left behind it seems. My local restaurants all participate in various schemes. So now locals go in and shamefacedly push their cards and coupons across the table. But times is hard and every penny counts. And do the people need to save? Yes they blooming do. So we all hunt for bargains wherever we can. And does it make us feel awkward. Yes it does. But do we care? No not really. It’s a London thing.

 

Londoners Life 25 by Phil Ryan

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Well the snow didn’t hang around thank goodness. But it’ll probably blast back in March! Right now I’m trying to avoid the Mayoral election nonsense. It’s very simple really. All of them are pointless to a large degree. Ken and Boris are arguing about high tube fares who’ll put them down or up – the fact of the matter is that whatever they are far too high and the service is lousy and continues to be lousy. And the fringe candidates are basically invisible. The mad Green woman who looks like a bush was spouting off about punishing car drivers again to save the planet. The failed ex-cop was going on about more police. Er that’s about it. So we’ll get stuck with a fight between two fools who are all about self-promotion and self-advancement. I’ll never forgive Ken for many things but his most offensive crime was building that hideous City Hall building opposite the tower of London.

Desecration. They should lock him up in the Tower Of London and force him to watch Londoners blowing it up as he’s pelted with rotten fruit! And Boris’s ludicrous billion pound buses will arrive soon. Why don’t the pair of just set up a permanent photograph of themselves being laser beamed onto the clouds above London. We get it guys. You love yourselves and couldn’t care about Londoners. Under both of you everything went up, life got harder, travel got worse, more taxes appeared and ultimately you have bugger all power. Remember folks your vote is essentially worthless. Nothing ever gets better or cheaper. Remember that. They could make one of the Muppets Mayor at least it would be entertaining and cheaper.

Travel in London really is getting to be a soul destroying experience. This Friday I had the horrible experience of arriving back at Victoria by train at around 6.30pm. Trying to get to the underground across the station was like swimming in a tide of bodies. Angry depressed bodies who were rooted to the spot necessitating a weird ducking and diving route – it was like a giant desperate game of pacman. And when I finally got to the tube the platforms were pleasantly six deep. Apparently two other tube lines had gone down (the usual reasons – aliens at baker street – a wave of indifference at St Johns Wood – badgers with guns at Charing Cross) and now Victoria was reduced to holding back groups of commuters behind gates a completely common occurrence the miserable and clearly suicidal guard guy told me (I think they’d taken away his laces and belt before they stuck him on the platform with his little microphone). It certainly wasn’t for the faint hearted. London’s underground system seems to just swallow tons of public money now and I honestly can’t see much difference. It’s over-priced and over-crowded (I’m sure that will improve during the Olympics with the expected six million extra journeys they’ve predicted – oh joy)

Talking of our much anticipated London Olympics we now learn that this money sponge for the amusement and enrichment of corporate sponsors and construction companies is into another revelatory moment again. Turns out that the ticket fiasco continues with an American ticket printing company getting the contract to print the tickets instead of a British company, the second revelation that most of the merchandise and goods are produced in China by Chinese companies and just when they couldn’t break anymore promises and commitments we now find out that they’ve let an American company sell tickets to Americans that we Londoners can’t get hold of! I notice that we grabbed back Mr Fred Goodwin’s title what about Lord Coe. If the guy told me it was the morning I’d check with five other people plus look out the window. For a London event paid for in the main by Londoners the guy has simply lied to us time after time. Virtually everything he has promised Londoners hasn’t materialised. And don’t get me started on the LOCOG bunch. Slightly darker in the way they operate than the Syrian regime they have been quietly flogging off the buildings and land to foreign property developers and foreign corporations. The London Olympics? I don’t think so. It’s the International Greed Olympics with all the gold going out the country to everyone except Londoners and Great Britain. But it’s a done deal. Nothing can be done. That’s total corruption with complete government backing for you.

But to finish on a positive point I’ll return to my usual trend spotting game. It really is the new Korean revolution alongside the sushi invasion. Loads of places called Bim Bam Bong and Noodle Beng Bim Bom Bang (Okay I am making these up) seem to be popping up. Udon Noodles are now the order of the day. Just an FYI Udon noodles are those fat disgusting long ones with the consistency of rotting slugs and a similar discomforting sensation when swallowed ( not that I’ve swallowed rotting slugs but go with me on this one) They have also copied that clever Japanese canteen style of making you sit on a cold and cement hard plank like wooden bench. This of course causes people’s buttocks to go numb at the same time that their stomachs are being paralysed with tasteless horror food. All together more of a punishment than a dining experience. But hey it’s fashionable. And in London we like our variety. And when I asked some people I was jammed next to recently in a Korean restaurant what they thought of the food they all told me it was challenging! Very London. And despite the pointless mayoral elections and Olympic fiasco do any of us truly care. No. We just get on with our lives. Why? It’s a London thing.

Londoner's LIfe 20 – By Phil Ryan

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Ah the London January sales! This year they have an added importance in that according to figures they may be the last big spend before austerity 2012 is completely with us all and we have to start rooting through bins courtesy of George Osborne and his millionaire pals. However getting Londoners to give up conspicuous shopping is akin to getting fish to give up water so don’t hold your breath on the collapse of the high streets just yet. So after re-adjusting to the fact that the great vague days were finally over and I could leave the twilight zone days of Christmas behind me I headed into Town. My local Council have opted for the most pathetic decorations this year – basically about ten bare bulbs and some decaying green glitter from last year blu tacked to it – giving the entire high street the appearance of a walk in STD clinic with slightly less cheer. As usual for the holiday period I had lost track of which day it actually was – constantly checking my blackberry for re-assurance. Not that which day it was mattered technically. Everything shuts or opens incomprehensibly in London at this festive time especially our superb Transport network (this year I think they were trying a ‘use your legs replacement service’ approach). The surprise strikes from the unions seem eminently reasonable as they always are at this time EVERY SINGLE year without fail. Struggling by on a £40,000 plus salary with free travel must be a drag. And I do see that working on a day you don’t fancy is a bit of a pain. But didn’t they sign up for it when they started or are their working days a pick and mix job for them? Sweet huh? Usually I support unions but this lot are now officially beyond a greedy joke. Not I might add that I have any warm feelings to the bozos that allegedly run TFL (including I might add a lot of them on hundreds of thousands of pounds to run a lousy and uncoordinated service) That all said after just twenty three handy and in no way inconvenient changes by way of Cardiff I found myself at Bond Street tube.

A friend had invited me to meet for tea and somehow just to kill some time I found myself wandering through some shops on my way there. In a sale! Oh my god. House of Fraser looked like a scene from a Bosch painting. Grim faced loons squashed together like battery chickens rummaging through masses of ugly jumpers and shirts that are only in fashion during a total eclipse. Lines of ever grimly smiling staff carefully re-folding everything a matter of minutes later. The only thing missing were bare buttocked devils gouting fire from their eyes although I think I saw a few queuing up at the Calvin Klein concession. Still in shock I made the terrible decision to pop into HMV in Oxford Street where the staff had dropped all pretence at being anything but hacked off. Two wardrobes in shirts saying security kept bellowing “Don’t block the aisles it’s a safety hazard MOVE PLEASE MOVE it’s all about SAFETY” and glaringly waving their walkie talkies around like surrogate light sabres. The counters were manned by gimlet eyed dudes who at least seemed quite chilled when they took your money although they did all have a glassy rohipnol look about them. I suspect they’d been given something. But my favourites were the harassed looking shelf re-stockers. No sooner had they ripped open a box of whatever the manic punters gathered behind them were after they would hiss loudly “Please wait until we have put them onto the shelves” presumably muttering the words “you ravenous mindless scum” under their breath judging by their pained expressions. I saw a crowd six deep virtually slobbering as for some odd reason they waited patiently behind a makeshift nylon tape barrier as some Harry Potter boxed sets of DVD’s appeared. There was a surge for goodness sake. A surge. Some grinning HMV manager kept shouting only a few left. Which quite frankly just fanned the flames. But it clearly gave him a thrill. One punter was actually holding a wand and he looked to be about thirty four.

Making my escape I finally ended up in Selfridges which I think now holds the outright London award for amazingly surreal prices and stock next to Harrods. I looked at a tie which had been slashed from £300 to just £200. And then I ran my fingers over some shirts which would’ve made Stevie Wonder gag. Honestly, bright just doesn’t come close to describing their lime electric silk and leather splendour. But just who is wearing this mad stuff and where? Especially the latest in sartorial elegance the Swarofski crystal encrusted training shoes a snip at £700.00 a pair. They finally broke my wafer thin desire to stay and fight through hordes of slow moving crowds all in thrall to the great shop. Trying to make my way down the street was like taking part in some alternate universe flash mob comedy penguin shuffle. So I left. By taxi. Heading for Patisserie Valerie and some sanity. And as per usual I noted that everything I eventually bought wasn’t in the sale. Ho hum. But do Londoner’s feel the sales are a rip off. Probably. Would Londoners like all the visitors to the sales to naff off? Definitely. But do they worry themselves about such issues? No. It’s a London thing.

How To Not Get Ripped off By a Rogue Trader

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Half of UK Homeowners Have Been Ripped Off by Rogue Traders – Survey reveals

According to Checkatrade.com – the UK’s most trusted website for monitoring the reputation of tradespeople – half of homeowners in the UK have been ripped off by a rogue trader or cowboy builder, while one in seven has been targeted three or more times.

The survey, conducted amongst 2,000 UK homeowners, found that Londoners are most at risk, with 53 per cent having fallen victim to rogue traders. In Northern Ireland just 3 in 10 have suffered at the hands of cowboys.

Despite the perception that older people are more likely to be preyed on by unscrupulous traders, the research highlighted that younger people are almost twice as likely to be ripped off as the over 50s.

Two-thirds of 18-24 year olds have already been ripped off at least once and a quarter three or more times. Only a third of over 55s have been regularly targeted.

Commenting on the findings, Kevin Byrne, founder of Checkatrade, said: “This research highlights the sheer scale of the problem we face in ‘Rip Off Britain’.

“Rogue traders perform substandard work for financial gain, a disgraceful and often lethal practice that ruins properties and costs people thousands of pounds every year.

“It is important that we vet and monitor trades companies to protect homeowners and their families from cowboys.

“Checking up on someone is quick, easy and free. It is an essential precaution that helps avoid accidents, disruption and financial loss.”

Top Tips to avoid rogue traders

* Watch out for contractors who cold call or doorstep you – ask yourself why they need to.
* Make sure you have adequate contact details for your trader in case things go wrong. In addition to a mobile number you should be looking for a landline number, office address and trade association membership details.
* Reputation is everything. Try to use builders who have been recommended to you by people you trust. Take up references from other satisfied customers who have had similar work done and have a look online.
* Have a look at www.checkatrade.com for details of tradespeople who have been vetted to a high standard, and had their insurance, qualifications and professional memberships verified, with scores out of ten from customers.
* Take the time to properly brief tradesmen and put it in writing to avoid any confusion. Be as detailed as possible.
* Obtain quotes from at least three contractors and insist on a written quotation or estimate for the work. Keep them all on file in case of any disagreement.
* To avoid costs spiralling, try and get the job done on a fixed-price basis in case the work takes longer than expected.
* Delayed start dates or long drawn out works can have a major knock on effect on any other buildings works so agree a start date and estimated finish date. However, trades can be delayed by factors outside of their control.
* Avoid anyone who specifically asks for cash – it is illegal to ask for cash payments if the trader does not put it through the books and declare it as taxable income. Cash jobs may result in a receipt not being given, without a receipt you will have no come back if things go wrong.
* Be careful about requests for upfront payments – it may imply they have cashflow problems. In our experience traders who ask for upfront payments often do so because they cannot get credit at their local builders’ merchants, which may indicate they are not financially healthy.
* Once you agree terms and before work starts draw up a simple contract, including the work to be done, the price and the timeframe. Any reputable builder will be happy to sign it, you should sign it yourself and have it witnessed and signed by an independent third party.
* Once work has begun, regularly check that works are on schedule and keep talking your contractor to make sure things are on track.

Londoners Life 12 By Phil Ryan

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Londoners Life 12 – by Phil Ryan

Sunshine. At last. And another London phenomenon is with us. The lovely weather in London always brings out the open top sports cars. And I mean the crazy and ludicrous supercars of Top Gear fame. And to me many of the more overpriced models are slightly baffling given the actual legal and realistic speed of traffic in London. Take the Edgeware Road as a classic example. Seemingly endless rows of Ferraris and Lamborghinis have now instantly appeared driven by various 20 something’s who actually look about 12 (possibly family money or just a generous paper round?) But wait for it they are now out and driving about. At around 10 miles per hour. What’s the point? Why drive a 200 mile per hour supercar in London at 10 miles per hour? The other night my friends and I were sitting outside a restaurant in Camden in a small side street. Suddenly the building virtually shook. And there we saw a bright red open top Ferrari crawling along at the top of the road. It noisily scraped agonisingly over the road humps only to speed past us with a sonic boom of engine roar followed by a brake squeal as it reached the next road hump twenty feet up the road. Very London. It was both awful but fascinating to watch. One of my colleagues commented that it would be great fun when they finally reached the motorway and they could really drive. And I replied yes at a heady 70 miles per hour just like everyone else! Hm not sure about the point of them, but I suppose they are keeping our petrol stations open. I figured that the Camden Ferrari was achieving a respectable ten miles to the gallon – which meant they’d clearly figured out their route carefully based on where the next petrol station was presumably. Wild eh?

And talking of wildlife and pests. The urban foxes are now out in force in London I see but mainly hear sadly. All the local bins get ripped open regularly now and I’m hearing weird squealing noises in the middle of the night. Although I have got some newly married Italian neighbours so I guess it could be them? Recently I saw one on the roof of a Kebab shop in Holloway as I drove past! (not my Italian neighbours a fox) Clearly they really will eat anything. And they really are quite fearless now as I see them sitting next to cars waiting for them to drive off. And now the arguments begin. Are they pests or are they lovely wildlife? Tricky one this. I’m all for nature but I’m starting to come down on the pest side. I’ll admit they do look cute but they’re a bit nasty to cats and rabbits. Plus in my street they regularly rip open bins and drag rubbish everywhere (just like the bin men but without the hi vis vests) I think Walt Disney has a lot to answer for here. Foxes are not cute! They carry diseases and crap everywhere (again a bit like the local bin men but I digress) And talking of Disney it’s the holiday hordes arrival time. Disney Breaks, Legoland all the commercial days out are putting what I call Recession offers out there. But London seems resolutely overpriced for families. The ticket costs at Madame Tussauds, The London Eye and The Tower of London all seem more like attempts to buy them! Upwards of a hundred and thirty pounds per family for half a day out. Whoah. I thought the recession was bringing prices down. But the tourists seem to be coping. Visit London seem to be saying numbers are up this year. There’s lots to do for free now the sunshine is out I’ll freely admit though.

And currently one of my favourite but potentially free terrible London phenomena is now springing up everywhere. Of course I mean the roving street musicians. If you eat out in St Christopher’s place nowadays roving bands of accordionists are suddenly smilingly but subtly now regularly harassing the diners. They have the look of banditry about them – I don’t know why. I think it’s the slicked back hair and leather bomber jackets they all seem to wear plus that cartoon blue stubble. They travel in packs of four (like condoms but less welcome) and seem to target any couple crazy enough to hold hands in front of them. I saw one couple the other day get treated to a surreal version of Pyscho Killer! And to my amazement this was followed up with a jaunty but off key version of Elvis Presley’s Wooden Heart complete with incorrect lyrics screamed by a small sweaty fat man who looked constipated. But the couple cracked and I saw a few pounds tumble into the outstretched hat as they nervously smiled at the crooks. Don’t get me wrong I love outside music as it can really lift you up.

I pause however to point out the odd case of the elderly blind guy who plays the violin who has now taken up his usual spot outside Debenhams in Oxford Street. He’s been there for years. He’s like one of those traditional figures on those clocks. He appears as soon as the sunshine appears. But he’s terrible. You would have thought given the years he’s been at it he could at least knock out a recognisable tune but no he can’t. Instead he saws away at the violin making it sound like its being assaulted with a cat on crystal meth. Hm. I’m trying to work out the braille for get some lessons so I can stick a note in his hand but I suppose that’s just me being mean and uncharitable. I always drop some change in his hat honestly. And I’ve recently added the word DEAF to his sign saying he’s blind (well he can’t see it can he) I figure it will help his PR profile.

However my favourite player is this dread locked saxophone player in Leicester Square. He always plays late at night. And I always drop money into his case. He’s like a very cool personal soundtrack. Gorgeous notes soaring about you as you make your way home. It’s like being in a movie. And you are the main character!

So the sunshine is here to stay for the time being and London instantly adapts to it as always. We move outside to eat and drink. And despite the stupid cars, the foxes, the tourists, the burger guys and the summer drunks and now the X factor like invasion of our public spaces – do we mind it all (plus the awful versions of Oasis and The Killers we are now being hit with on a daily basis) Of course not. It’s a London thing.

The Londoners Life, October. By Phil Ryan.

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The Londoners Life. October.

To be a Londoner. It’s strange thing. A kind of love hate relationship. The underground round here seems permanently closed. Most weekends at least. The chilling signs of doom proclaiming that fearful message. Replacement bus service. What this means is some bloke who doesn’t know where he’s going takes you on a long and slow mystery tour. You get to your station. Just four hours later. But you learn to accept these things. It’s part of being a Londoner. A bit like being a Satanist really. You know it’s crazy but it works for you. And as my out of town friends say. It’s a London thing.

A bit like the mad prices. I work on my tea and cake index. To judge an area, simply find a café and have tea and cake. If you’re in Hampstead or Chelsea say it’ll be the price of a full meal somewhere else. But then again the somewhere else could be a charming greasy spoon on a crack dealing run down sink estate. In the parade. Next to the launderette. Kebab Shop. And Pound Shop. Tea and jaffa cakes. Two quid mate. Oh and d’you need any blow? Gun perhaps? Alibi? Fake passport? Exotic snake? Very London.

My favourite recent experience was flat hunting. My old lease expired and they sold the building. And being London you get two months to vacate. How terribly reasonable. So I hit the estate agents. Rentals. The desperate home of lies. I can see why people hate estate agents. They don’t listen. And I met Richie. Smiling lying Richie. His accent indeterminate. Sharply dressed. Blackberry glued to ear. “I can find you exactly what you need”. So onto my fifth dank dark and damp lower ground floor flat (basement) with a handy bijou garden (with the look and feel of an abandoned child paupers grave) We went down the lower ground floor steps. The house from the outside resembling a poorly constructed mental asylum. I watched him enter. Then I followed. The damp smell almost making me gag. Richie? No expression. Constantly receiving texts. There was a stain on the floor. A large bloodstain. I looked at it. He didn’t. I turned sideways to enter the half size bathroom door. I looked at the bath. Ideal if you were a hobbit. He said. Compact and easy to clean. I pointed to the fact that the kitchen had a service hatch into the bedroom. Handy for midnight snacks he instantly answered. I thought of the bloodstain. I fancied adding another. His.

And of course the costs. Eye watering deposits. Security deposits. One months rent in advance. And then the paperwork. “It’s just a formality really. But we’ll need the following”. Bank Statement. Credit card Statement. Savings account statement. Mobile phone bill. Passport. Tax bill. Council tax bill from last property. Letter from an authorised person. Letter from another authorised person authorising the first one. Letter from the Doctor. Birth certificate. Car registration papers. School reports. Screenplay for an unfinished film. Plan for ending world poverty. Directions to Atlantis.

I looked at countless other places. Toilet in lounge place. Place without windows place. Top floor so high you looked down on aeroplanes place. Strangely decorated in mirrors everywhere place. Place that smelt of death place. Richie was replaced by Steve and Harrington. All congenital liars. And congenial liars too. Pleasant but ultimately in control. “You’ll have to act quick, we have ten more people looking at the place” And they did. I met one couple. We arrived at the same time. The girl who resembled an elk in a duvet cover looked at me suspiciously. Her partner a small man with receding legs grinned. “Lovely eh?” I looked at the rust covered windows. I smiled. “No it’s a rat hole”. His face brightened. “It’s perfect for us” he said without a hint of irony. She glared at me. I left them to it.
I found somewhere. Through a business colleague.

But this is London. Not a city but another country. Things work differently here. We have theatre. Art galleries. Clubs. Quick break down. Theatre can mean two women in black leotards in a room above a pub shouting in Czech as a Britney Spears CD plays at half speed. Art gallery can mean people with piercings and curious hair standing around in an old warehouse drinking cheap white wine as the walls appear to be hung with the daubing of a hyperactive chimp. Clubs. Well could be a basement so packed and hot and loud people are paying to leave. But it’s cosmopolitan. Apparently.

Next London life report: Important questions answered – Why are night buses like moving mental health communities? Are you getting into re-cycling difficulties? And why nobody you ever ask for directions ever lives in that area?

Phil Ryan.