Tag Archives: miscarriage

What I Learned About Resilience After The Worst Year of My Life

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TW: baby loss.

We all have fears in life and if we are lucky enough we don’t experience them. Although I have experienced anxiety in my life I thought I was one of those lucky people. It was November 2019 and I lived my life in a cosy bubble. Bad things had happened in my life, and I had lost people I loved, but I felt happy and lucky.

Two months earlier my husband and I had decided to try for a third baby. I was thirty-five but I got pregnant immediately. I was over the moon and slightly smug. Geriatric pregnancy my arse. Later, I was exercising and I felt something weird happen in my body. Like a pop. I immediately stopped and put my hand to where the weird pain had happened. Then I brushed it away.  There was a weird uncomfortable pain in my entire body. It felt like a balloon was filling up. I couldn’t sit down properly. Then when I went to the bathroom there was blood. The blood was very dark and it freaked me out. I went to A&E. They didn’t even scan me and sent me home. Despite the fact I could barely walk and was in a lot of pain. I have a high pain threshold and I felt like they didn’t see that I was suffering enough.

The next day I went to the early pregnancy unit and they thought the pregnancy was an ecoptic pregnancy. I’m not going into detail about all of it in this piece because it is an entire article in it’s own. I started feeling the pain on Monday and it was Friday afternoon when I finally got my ’emergency’ surgery and one of the first things the surgeon said to me when I come to was that they caught it ‘just in time.’ My fallopian tube had ruptured and I was bleeding internally. I had been walking around bleeding internally for days while being told to ‘go home.’

There are snapshots of this time that haunt me: the registrar stroking her very pregnant belly while asking what I wanted to do with the remains of my baby, the fear when they sent me home that I would die in my sleep. Waking up and not being pregnant anymore. Notably the fact that they kept sending me home and eventually, days later, I refused to go home and made them scan me again. On the day of my surgery I almost passed out numerous times and the nurse kept bringing my back with oxygen, refusing to let me faint on her watch.

Mostly I remember the grief. There is no pain like losing a baby. I always thought people who killed themselves before that were selfish, now I know they are just in so much pain that they want to leave their bodies. I was completely and utterly broken. The only thing that brought me through were my other children. I figured if I could just put my feet onto the floor every morning and then get out of bed, I could survive. I only had to put one foot in front of the other.

In the blur of everything I took care of my children and tried to make sure they couldn’t see my pain. I didn’t want them to suffer, and I refused to let them see their mother depressed or spending days in bed. I knew that I had to structure my days. I had to get out of bed and smile at my children. Play with them, read them books. I took up Spanish and started doing yoga. It helped that we were moving house and I had to pack up and deal with all of that.

Just as the surgery scars started to heal a little I got ill. really ill. I had this continuous cough that wouldn’t go away. I spent boxing day with my mother-in-law and my husband’s aunt, uncle and their children. I had to find an emergency doctor’s appointment and fainted at the pharmacy getting antibiotics. I somehow managed to walk home although I have no idea how.

A few days later I was going to take my children to bed when I felt a sharp pain in my chest. It took my breathe away and then I couldn’t breathe. I was on the floor crying, barely able to breathe, begging my husband to help me. He called an ambulance and long story short I had double pneumonia, just as rumours of a SARS like illness started in China. I was unable to eat anything or lie down flat. I spent the next six months recovering as the world went into lockdown.

It was now July and my world started to come together again just as I noticed my period was late. I took a test and I was pregnant again. The happiness I felt was like nothing else.  But then weeks later I started bleeding. I made my way to the hospital, desperate to hold onto this baby, only to lose another one.  A few of my amazing friends told me they were pregnant and I didn’t want to tell them about my miscarriage because I didn’t want to scare them, or take away their joy. I would see pregnant women on the street and feel a bitterness that made me not recognise myself. I was full of hate and pain. I found women who were pregnant with their third child, or who had one, especially triggering. The pain of a miscarriage is hard to describe. It wasn’t as tough as the ectopic pregnancy, but the emotional pain of waiting for your baby to pass through you is sharp and brutal. The loss is acute.

I got up, homeschooled my oldest until 2pm and then focused on my toddler for a few hours. Then I forced myself to write three thousand words a day. I started another novel which I finished in six weeks.Then one day I walked out into my garden and the world seemed so beautiful. I sat down to take it in and I saw dew on the blades of grass. I thought about how cruel it was that my baby never got to experience a moment of this world, and yet I knew the world was still beautiful and that life went on. Even if the pain never really goes away.

I started to hate who I was becoming so I stopped. I decided that I didn’t want anyone else to feel this pain that I was feeling. I wanted to put positivity and love out into the world. To spread nothing but kindness. In this I finally found myself again. There is nothing uglier than bitterness or hate and my refusal to let it consume me was a turning point. I donated to charity and did everything I could to spread community and love. I kept writing and I started submitting my novel to agents and publishers. I went after every dream I had and I worked hard.

It has been two years now since my grief threatened to swallow me whole and I look back at that time and it still hurts, but I’m proud of myself. My Spanish is still mediocre and my yoga is not great, but I got a book deal and my novel Ember published in March 2022 to great acclaim. Ember has a character in it who had a miscarriage in the past and the lead character is also an obstetrician. I almost abandoned the book after my ectopic as I found editing it so painful, I put all of my pain into it. It was like therapy. I persevered and I’m proud I did. More importantly, in June 2021 I had my gorgeous and beautiful rainbow baby who I am grateful for every day. A little boy who is sunshine personified.

I didn’t let my pain break me or change who I was. The worse things got the harder I reached for the best. The negativity made me search for the positive. Faith and love helped me reach the other side and I know that life is always beautiful and precious. I promised myself I would always live my life to the full and never take it for granted. I won’t break it.

SUNDAY SCENE: KILEY DUNBAR ON HER FAVOURITE SCENE FROM SUMMER AT THE HIGHLAND CORAL BEACH

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I call my third novel, Summer at the Highland Coral Beach, ‘the book of my heart’ as it was deeply emotional to write.

The story follows Bea six months after the miscarriage of her longed-for baby. She’s approaching her fortieth birthday, her marriage has ended, and she’s spiralling. Bea books a spur-of-the-moment crafting holiday in the highlands at the eccentric Princess and the Pea Inn (complete with towering fairy-tale bed). Here, Bea has time to wild swim off the coral beach, make beautiful things, and process her grief a little, helped by willow weaving tutor, Atholl.

Having grown used to keeping her grief to herself (so often grieving parents find they have no outlet for their sadness), the words spill from her during a panic attack witnessed by Atholl. He strikes upon a way of helping Bea begin to say goodbye.

I love this scene because it depicts things not all that often discussed in ‘light’, cosy romances.

He produced a parcel from under his arm and unwrapped the brown paper that protected it. ‘I thought maybe, if you want, you could make use of this wee thing?’

He handed her the intricately weaved hollow bassinette shaped curiously like a Russian doll or an ancient Egyptian sarcophagus with a round hole where the face would be.

‘I made it myself of the spring’s youngest willow back in March.’
‘It’s lovely. What is it?’ Bea asked.
‘It was for a talk Seth was giving about old Highland customs. It’s a swaddling basket. You’d wrap the baby in cloths and bands, tucking them up tight so they could sleep, and then they’d be placed inside the basket and worn over the parent’s back while they worked in the fields or at the fishes.’
‘It’s beautiful. It’s tiny, though. Too small for a newborn.’
‘It was only a model, to show what the real thing would be like.’

Beatrice turned it over in her hands, her eyes misting, and she looked up at him, hesitatingly, still unsure of what he intended her to do.

‘There’s another Highland custom, an ancient one, going back to the earliest folk on the land,’ he said softly. ‘When a loved one passed, they would swaddle them too like a bairn, placing them in the water, letting the tides carry them home.’

Beatrice took his meaning and she bobbed her head as the silent tears came again.

‘Do you want to do it now? There’s a braw moon lighting the harbour.’
‘All right.’

Those were the last words they said to each other that night as Beatrice, the mother of a loved son, threaded the Highland posy of forget-me-nots, heather and white campion into the loose basket work, weaving each flower in amongst the shoots from the sappy willows as Atholl watched on.

When her work was done she left the inn, crossing the dark road and leaning over the sea wall. Atholl stayed by the inn porch, close enough to see her kiss the little bundle before lowering the empty bassinette onto the surface of the gentle waters.

Neither could tell how long it took for the horizon to claim the floating focus of so much of her grief but by sunrise it was gone and Beatrice was asleep soundly in her bed.

 

Despite the sadness, there’s love and laughter in store for Bea and Atholl. I’ve received many messages from parents saying how Bea’s story helped them. I hope it continues to offer a wee bit of brightness to yet more readers when Summer at the Highland Coral Beach comes out on paperback this July.

One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, the miscarriage association is there to help: https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

 

 

 

Early Miscarriage by Dr Patricia Thompson

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miscarriage A miscarried pregnancy can be a devastating experience. The woman has already experienced pregnancy – nausea, swollen, tender breasts, just ‘feeling pregnant’.  The couple are sharing a cosy, exciting secret – visualising their anticipated offspring, they may well have chosen some names.

Then, abruptly, hopes are shattered. It can happen in several ways – sometimes there is bleeding, cramping pain, the woman may just not feel pregnant anymore, an ultrasound scan may show that the baby has stopped growing, or there is no heart-beat.

However it happens, both partners usually feel devastated.

And yet, approximately a fifth of pregnancies end as early miscarriages, meaning during the first three months. Sometimes the woman didn’t know she was even pregnant, just experiencing a ‘late period’, other times the couple are very aware, and can experience deep pain and loss.

The baby frequently has a serious genetic/chromosomal abnormality in these cases, and would have been incapable of surviving.

An early miscarriage is usually a one-off event, and the next pregnancy will be successful. However, if it happens during the first one, the couple may feel uncertain whether they can have a child. Nothing will convince them except a subsequent normal birth.

A few couples (around 1%) have recurrent miscarriages – defined as at least three in a row. Even then, three-quarters of these will eventually have a normal baby.

A few unfortunate couples may never succeed – possibly due to a particular genetic problem, but often a reason isn’t found, and it is very upsetting.

Late miscarriages – during the middle third of pregnancy, are less common (only one pregnancy in fifty), and may be due to illness in the mother, or womb or cervix abnormalities. Depending on the cause, treatment may be possible for future pregnancies.

So what if you have an early miscarriage? Firstly, nobody is to blame.  Too much exercise, stress, or having sex, for example, do not cause miscarriage. Healthy pregnancies are pretty resilient.

The pregnancy tissue may be lost naturally, through your vagina. However, the hospital may suggest removing any remnants, using a gentle vacuum under anaesthetic. This prevents possible infection, which can be serious, and could compromise future pregnancies.

The experience can impact both partners for a considerable time. The woman experiences physical changes, and both are affected emotionally. The man sees the distress of his partner, and feels he should be the strong one, and yet he is suffering too.

It is important to talk, and grieve together, and, if possible, to share with close friends and family. People can appear to forget very quickly, or don’t even know you’ve had a miscarriage. They expect you to be ‘back to normal’ and don’t always understand your continuing pain.

Specialists and groups are available should you experience difficulty in getting through the grief.

Importantly, don’t forget, if you have had a miscarriage, you are highly likely to have a successful pregnancy next time.

Useful information sites:

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/miscarriage/Pages/Introduction.aspx

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a252/understanding-miscarriage

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These articles express personal views. No warranty is made as to the accuracy or completeness of information given and you should always consult a doctor if you need medical advice.

 

 

Struggling To Get Pregnant? Losing Weight Will Help

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Dr Sally Norton – UK leading NHS weight loss surgeon & consultantOne of the many reasons that women, and occasionally men, come to see me for weight loss advice is because they want to start a family, but are struggling. Did you know that obesity is a major cause of difficulty getting pregnant – and can increase the risk of miscarriage or problems during pregnancy and childbirth? In fact, there is a significantly greater risk of diabetes during pregnancy if you are overweight – and this can affect the future health of your child as well as you.

Research evidence shows that being overweight can contribute to period problems, hormonal imbalances, lack of ovulation, resistance to fertility treatment and therefore fertility problems particularly in women with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).

There is a higher risk of miscarriage, higher risk of abnormalities of the baby as well as still birth in women who are overweight. The pregnant overweight mother is also at higher risk of diabetes, high blood pressure and difficult or complicated delivery of the baby by Caesarean or forceps.

Some women end up seeking help with IVF (in-vitro fertilization) or other forms of fertility treatment, but this isn’t usually funded unless women are below a BMI of 30 or under the age of 40 – which is why I get women coming to me for weight-loss surgery. They are desperate, the clock is ticking, and they can’t seem to lose weight on their own. It’s sad to see, and the stress of it all doesn’t help fertility in the slightest!

Interestingly it’s not all about the woman’s weight. In men, being obese can cause the following problems: reduced semen volume, a reduced sperm count and increased sperm DNA damage. Losing weight will improve these parameters.

So, if you are thinking of starting a family, it is a great incentive for both you and your partner to lose weight. But you have to make sure you do it in a way that is good for you. Fad dieting which will starve your body of essential nutrients which, for women, is just at the time when you and your unborn child need them most. In fact, some studies suggest that a mother’s diet, even BEFORE she actually gets pregnant, can affect the health of her child. So instead of crash dieting, treat your body with the care and respect it deserves – after all, you’ll be relying on your body to create a healthy new life within it. Fill it with the most nutritious food you can find, keep active to ensure you are as fit as you can be – and not only will you be rewarded with a slimmer healthier body but you will find it easier to get pregnant too.

By Dr Sally Norton – UK leading NHS weight loss surgeon & consultant

 

 

5 Reasons To Give Up Alcohol

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whitewineAccording to the latest statistics the average person in Britain spends £50,000 on alcohol in their lifetime. The shocking figures were compiled by Macmillan Caner Support who are currently asking people to sign up to Go Sober for October.

Nutritionist Elouise Bauskis from nutricentre.com gives her five simple reasons not to drink alcohol, or at least to reduce your intake:

We’ve been told that a little bit of alcohol is healthy for us, for example a glass of red wine will provide us with resveratrol, a powerful antioxidant.  if you’re especially addicted to alcohol, it is not only important to cut down alcohol, it is also important to visit rehab near me for substance abuse treatment. There may be some health benefits, but there is increasing incidence of women especially, consuming beyond the recommended amount of alcohol, often binging at the weekends. It’s very easy for us to consume over the recommended 2-3 units per day – that one large glass of wine may equal this! How many of us consume way more than this in an evening out or at home?!

Women are more physiologically sensitive to alcohol than men, states experts from alcohol and drug rehab. This is because we have a lower body content of water and we have a higher fat content, therefore alcohol becomes more concentrated in our systems and is retained in our bodies longer. As a result women develop liver disease at lower levels of alcohol intake than men do, and are at increased risk of osteoporosis (due to reduced absorption of nutrients).

1. Protect your liver – The liver is an amazingly robust organ, and is the only organ that has the ability to regenerate itself after certain types of damage. Unfortunately alcohol is one of the toxins that the liver doesn’t handle as well as other toxins, and it cannot regenerate after being severely damaged by alcohol. The liver processes 95% of alcohol ingested. Alcohol is seen as a toxin and therefore the body will preferentially process it before anything else. As a result alcohol is absorbed and processed before nutrients and food; therefore it’s not a good idea to consume alcohol whilst eating!

2. Optimise your nutrient absorption and prevent excess aging – Repeated consumption of alcohol inhibits the liver’s production of digestive enzymes, which then majorly reduces the body’s ability to absorb proteins, fats and the fat-soluble vitamins (vitamin A, D, E and K), as well as the B complex vitamins especially B1 (thiamine) and folic acid. Many essential nutrients are not retained by the body and are ‘washed out’ rapidly through the urine. This means that alcohol consumption causes a major loss of valuable nutrients and antioxidants. Without these vital elements, we may not have the adequate ingredients to make collagen, meaning we may produce wrinkles more easily. With the loss of antioxidants, we may age much more quickly, losing our vitality and looks.

3. Avoid excess weight gain, especially around the middle – Because alcohol prevents the body’s ability to digest fats properly, excessive amounts of fat may accumulate in the liver. Leptin is a peptide hormone involved in the regulation of appetite and energy metabolism. High levels of leptin are known to contribute to fatty infiltration of the liver. Alcohol prevents the release of glucose from the liver and can cause hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar levels). This drop in blood sugar often produces a craving for foods, especially foods that raise blood sugar such as more alcohol or sugar – not good for anyone, especially those concerned about weight gain, especially fat around the middle! For anyone with diabetes and are taking insulin, this can have very serious negative results.

4. Alcohol can negatively affect your sex life and fertility – Alcohol reduces the body’s storage of the essential mineral zinc. Zinc is involved in hundreds of reactions in the body, so without it, many processes suffer, including your hormonal balance and fertility. For men! For men it can reduce testosterone production and cause erectile dysfunction, and for women it can disrupt your menstrual cycle, and if you’re thinking about having a baby, alcohol consumption increases your chance of miscarriage and birth defects.

5. Alcohol may be making you depressed and anxious – As alcohol reduces the absorption of many essential nutrients, it may be having a major impact on your brain chemistry in a negative way. For example, those consuming excessive alcohol may have lower levels of tryptophan (the amino acid that is converted to serotonin). Low serotonin is a major feature of depression. Selenium deficiency may occur as a result of alcohol intake and is associated with depression, anxiety, confusion and hostility. The absorption of B vitamins are majorly affected by alcohol consumption, and deficiency in these crucially important vitamins will add to stress, nervous tension and energy levels.

 

 

Lily Allen Married and Pregnant

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Lily Allen is celebrating a double dose of good news, she’s married and pregnant. After two miscarriages, Allen is on her way to domestic bliss. Allen’s vintage Chanel 1920’s wedding dress had a resemblance to Kate Middleton’s wedding dress.

The singer, 26, married decorator and business owner Sam Cooper at St. James the Great Church in Gloucestershire, England, on Saturday.

Actor Keith Allen proudly gave his daughter away and Cooper revealed that Allen was pregnant, seven months after her tragic miscarriage

Cooper popped the question over Christmas and the wedding took place in the village of Cranham in the English countryside.

Frost wishes them all the best.