Tag Archives: mumsthread

MumsThread: On a Mother’s Love

Posted on by

a mother's love, parenting, It terrifies me how much I love my son. It is overwhelming. A feeling so powerful that sometimes it makes me nauseas. It makes me both weak and strong. Fearless and scared. It is something I never expected because it is so pure. There is nothing I don’t love about my son. He is perfect in every way. From his soft hair to the tip of his toes. I love him so much I would give him a kidney. I would take a bullet for my son. Hell, I would even help him bury a body. There are no limits. And god help anyone who ever tries to hurt him.

This isn’t to say I have never felt love before, or that I don’t love my husband just as much, it’s just that your love for your child feels different. I think it is because they are so dependent on you. Or maybe it’s their innocence. When I was pregnant I loved this little bean growing inside me of course, but I hadn’t met him yet. I was so thrilled to be pregnant that I kept expecting someone to pinch me and say that it wasn’t real. Then the birth was so traumatic we weren’t sure he was going to make it.

I still remember the first time I saw my son. I couldn’t believe it. The midwife brought him to me and laid him on my chest. I cried. Tears of pure happiness and relief. It was the best moment of my life. I know it sounds strange that you can be pregnant for over 41 weeks (seriously, get out!) and not believe that you are lucky enough to have your own son. When he was born my husband and I felt the same; we just couldn’t believe he was real. He is 18-months old now and we still count our blessings everyday. He is the best thing that happened to us. He is everything. He is our son.

MumsThread On Traveling In London With a Baby & Pram

Posted on by

traveling in london while pregnant, traveling in london with pram, traveling in London with baby, with child, London, tube, step free access, babyonboardbadgetravelinginpregnantwhenpregnantI already wrote about traveling in London while pregnant so I thought I would follow up with what it is like to traveling in London when you have a child. If traveling in London while pregnant is awful, when you have a child it is hell. Most tube stations don’t have a lift or step-free access. When Boris Johnson was Mayor of London he promised half of London stations would have step-free access by 2018. I hope the current Mayor Sadiq Khan carries on this promise. It is important for disabled people and those with children. Traveling on buses is stressful and takes a long time. There is also limited space for prams. The bus can only take two prams and I have had to wait ages for a bus which is free. The place for prams is also the wheelchair space. Wheelchair users have priority and rightly so, but I had got abuse in the past for having the pram in there when it is empty. In fact I even saw a Facebook post once written by someone who has no children complaining that there was a pram in the wheelchair space on a bus she was on. Did they get in the way of the wheelchair user?, I asked. No, there was no wheelchair user. This woman just thought this mother should not be on public transport with her baby, taking up space with a pram. Other woman joined in and the split was obvious. The woman who did not have children were talking about how terrible this woman was for just wanting to get somewhere with her baby. I gave my opinion, as calmly as I could, but quite a few of them were abusive. Other woman, mothers and not, eventually joined in to support me, but the entire thing left me feeling  sad. My own mother is in a wheelchair and she was angry at those woman. It is easy to say a mother with a pram should not be using a wheelchair space, but that is the only place on the bus they can go! Folding a pram up is not easy (we have the iCandy Strawberry 2, it is a good pram but can be too big for London living and the back wheels take up too much room). You have to hold the child and this is not  safe. The pram also usually has something under it. It is incredibly isolating being a mother and they have appointments just like everyone else.  I very rarely see a wheelchair user on a bus so it doesn’t make sense that mothers just stay at home. What is the alternatives? Walking? Not always possible. Taxis? Too expensive. It makes me angry that people can be so callous.

Then there is the dirty looks you get and the sighs for your baby not being a robot. If your baby has the nerve to cry on public transport people tend to take it personally. Like your baby is crying just to annoy them. Well, get over yourself. When babies cry it means they are talking. They have as much right as you. And if you are finding it hard for that short burst, imagine how the parents feel. Babies talk to their parent a lot. Sometimes all night.

I live in Southfields and the only place I can get to on the tube to central London is Green Park.  I have only been into Central London without my husband once. It was hell. Usually I would go to Earl’s Court and change. This time I had to go to Earlsfield (where the lift was not working!) rely on the kindness of strangers to go up and down stairs and on and off trains. I even had to push a pram up an escalator. You are not meant to do this but if TFL have a problem with it they can build more bloody lifts. By the time I got to my destination my nerves were frazzled. The entire experience was horrendous. We have never bought a car because you don’t need one when you live in London. It would be silly as we would probably only use it once a year, but I hope that London gets the transport system it deserves soon. An inclusive one for all Londoners.

For more information on traveling in London for pregnant women and buggy users go here. 

 

MumsThread On The Motherhood Penalty: Can Only Men Have it All?

Posted on by

how old is too old to have a baby? post natal depression, PND,There has been a lot in the media about the Motherhood Penalty so I felt I had to give my opinion on it. The truth is, it exists. As for the next question in the title: can only men have it all? Mostly. Yes, I know. It isn’t fair and it certainly is sexist, but having a child affects a women’s career much more than a man’s. Now there are exceptions to the rule, and the number of stay-at-home dads is growing, but childcare is still widely seen as a women’s issue. And that’s wrong. Women get the motherhood penalty but men get the daddy bonus.

It is not that women can’t have it all. You can, but it’s really hard. Mostly it is just that they can’t have it all at the same time. Parenthood requires sacrifice. The sacrifice comes from both genders, but weighs heavier on the female. Since my husband and I had our son his career has gone from strength-to-strength, he gets to go out occasionally and even gets invited to award ceremonies because he has a permanent unpaid babysitter at home. In contrast, my life now resembles almost nothing of its predecessor because I don’t. I have given up numerous opportunities because I could not juggle them with my child.  Somedays I get no work done at all. Other days I just stare at my son while he plays thinking about how the hell I can be a good mother to him, run a business and be an author and freelance writer. Because, and it pains me to say this, sometimes I can’t. Something has got to give, and usually it is my hobbies, social life, and career. My husband still has the bones of his old life. Only his evenings and weekends are different, my old life on the other hand was obliterated. My son is worth it of course, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes miss the person I used to be and the life I used to have. I wrote about this subject before I had my son and while I still think women can do whatever they want with their lives, it is harder for them.

I could put my child into a nursery of course. But let’s not kid ourselves, that is not having it all either. There is nothing wrong with it. I have female friends who ended their maternity leave early because they said they could not take being at home with a baby all day. Being at home with a baby all day is hard and I don’t judge. Good for her, not for me. There is also the cost of childcare, which is extortionate. The nursery next to us cost £93 a day. A DAY! Who can afford that?

I read in the Metro that 2 out of every 3 women with pre-school children are locked out of work. I was fired twice when I was pregnant, and many other promises amounted to nothing when my pregnancy became public knowledge. It upset me then and it upsets me now. There are generations of women who had so much to offer the world, but maternity discrimination put paid to that. It is no surprise that the “mumpreneur” industry is so huge. And you only have to look at what mumpreneurs are doing to know that there are not the ones missing out, the people who forced them out of work are. I recently saw the amazing Diane Keaton film Baby Boom. It was made in 1987 but is just as relevant today. It is on netflix.com so do watch it. In the beginning Diane Keaton’s boss tells her that only men get to have it all, but in the end she starts her own business and becomes a mother. She really does get to have it all.

I know many of friends who aren’t even thinking of having children but are married and “of an age” so are discriminated against. I think maternity leave should apply to both sexes. Then women cannot be the only ones discriminated against. It is a thought. I might not work, but something has to be done. Whether by women who start their own business, by making sure that men are not discriminated against for wanting to stay at home, or by a change in the law, we need to keep doing whatever we can. Not just for ourselves, but for our daughters and sons too.

MumsThread: On The Importance of Work When You Become a Mother

Posted on by

working mothers, working mum, freelance, self employed, mothers, mumsthread, babies, feminism, sexism, Out of all of the truisms, few are more true as when you choose a job, you choose a lifestyle. This was never more true when I first became an actor many moons ago (at one point I had three survival jobs. A day one, an evening one and a weekend one), or when I had a corporate job that paid absurdly well, but made me unhappy because it felt like my creative soul was dying.

Now I have a child lifestyle is important. I have been self employed and freelance for about six years now. And it is wonderful and awful, easy and hard. The truth is: I have worked harder and had tougher work conditions as my own boss than in any other. Frequently not allowing myself breaks, chaining myself to my desk as I just churn the work out. But having my son last year resulted in changes. Mostly because I fell head over heels in love with him, and I will never be the same again. It has required sacrifices, and sometimes those sacrifices are that I get barely any work done at all. Those days are the toughest. I have turned down a lot of great opportunities and my acting career is on the back burner, but I know that the privilege of seeing my son grow up is bigger than anything else. It was always important to me that my son was raised by at least one of his parents. It’s not a judgment call, all power to nannies and nurseries. In fact, I wish I could afford a live-in nanny, or a night nanny. Oh what heaven that would be.

But what I didn’t bargain on was how much I love working. Even the worst job I had brought something good with it: money, a reason to get out of bed, meeting people, a sense of worth. I am not saying I want to go back to those awful jobs, but work gives you identity and freedom. It means you are contributing to society. All of these are things that are very important. Even more so when you have a child and otherwise you just feel like someone’s mother and someone’s wife. I am not slamming being a housewife. It is as valid a choice as any. But I know myself, I need to work, and times where I can’t fit my work in due to childcare/a sick child/ a problem with the flat leaves me with a void. I also believe that a woman needs something for herself, even if it is just a hobby. Women tend to sacrifice themselves and it is unhealthy. Not just for the mother, but all the family. I would love to share childcare 50/50 with my husband, but he works in finance and that is just not possible. So some days I will write an article on my iPhone in the playpen with the baby, I will work on my book as much as possible when the baby finally naps. It has taught me to work smarter, not harder. To be quicker. But the thing having a child has most taught me is quality of life. I no longer chain myself to my desk. I say no to things. Because I have something which gives me more joy than anything else: my son’s face. Even on my hardest day he gives me joy. He has taught me that life is more important than work. I would constantly burn myself out before he came along, now I know that I just have to do what I can and that I am enough. I should be proud of my achievements. On the flip side, I got irritated when a lot of people asked if I would still work after I had a baby, and when I see an article on “selfish” mothers going out to work. I mean, God forbid a women wants to have a career and professional fulfilment. Y’now, like men get to do. No one ever asked a man how he juggles work with having children. The other thing is money: how many households can really survive on one income?

Many women do not get to see their babies grow up. They have to go out and work. I can earn a living as a freelancer and that is a huge achievement. I know I have the best of both worlds, even if I have to bribe the baby with Disney cartoons while I work. It was Sheryl Sandberg who said there is no such thing as work/life balance. There is just life and work and there is no balance. She is a wise woman. As long as I am kind to myself and get everything done eventually I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.