Well another week in this great city of London. And another stealthily garnered piece of minutiae of the wonderful inner world so many people inhabit. My wide open ears are now so finely attuned to this stuff I have to concentrate to turn them off! Happily I get to grab my pieces between meetings and things when I am often on my own and can really concentrate. So here’s my usual sharp intake of breath one liner I grabbed outside Bank Tube station. Sharply suited man in designer shades loudly into mobile phone: “For christ’s sake Toby it’s a fucking gibbon. Deal with it”. Huh???????
However this week’s standout winner was the five tourists from Spain (they had Bright red jackets with Espana printed on them) and they were having coffee and cake with a tour guide and obvious Language teacher in The Crypt at St Martins in the Field Café. I was sitting virtually in front of them as the tables were shoved together so I could watch as well from behind my paper.
Young Language guy “Yes its silly isn’t it it’s written as Leciester Square (he enunciates liesester slowly and sharply) but it’s pronounced as Lester” Sharp faced woman “But why?” Young Language guy “I think it’s something to do with the french” The Spanish people muttered to each other sounding puzzled. Sharp faced woman’s friend “Oh so the french people wrote in English then” Young Language guy” Oh er no its more the way they influenced the way we pronounce things. We have lots of french words er like we say cul-de-sac for a dead-end for instance” Sharp faced woman “Why not just say dead-end?” Young language guy “ Er I don’t know we just do” Sharp faced woman’s friend “ We enjoy to speak the English but we worry about these strange words. What is paedophile?” (she carefully pronounced each phrase turning it into peed O feel) Young Language guy “Ohh um where did you hear that?” Sharp faced Spanish woman’s friend “It was on our free paper this morning it had a picture of a priest is he famous?” Young language guy “Ah no he’s um not famous er it means” he took ages to speak again “Um he’s not very nice towards children” Sharp faced woman “How do you mean this not very nice does he shout at them please to explain” The whole group looked at him with interested expressions. Young language guy “No he um holds them er too close and often without clothing” He was struggling now and the expressions on their faces were a picture. Sharp face woman suddenly brightly “Who of us wants more how do we say scones”
I didn’t get what happened next but they left. I bet they didn’t try out any new words that day!
Tag Archives: overheard
Londoner’s Life – Overheard 39 by Phil Ryan
I’ve had a frantic week replying to emails and finishing a writing project. But I still had three windows of opportunity to sort out another London overheard. Found myself in Hungerford in Oxford mid- week at a fancy gastro pub. And caught this brief gem from a couple sat watching a traditional looking house barge mooring by the side of a canal. Man to wife pleasantly “Look at that Miriam that’s the kind of life I could get used to” Miriam in a bored tone “I don’t think so you actually have to work quite hard to run one of those things. You are completely useless and workshy and you know it” Ouch! But here’s this week’s stolen moment from a bar at a gig in Central London:
Two Goth looking girls: Girl one “I couldn’t believe it really it’s not like I’m on Facebook that much” Girl two “So he cut you off just like that” Girl one “Yeah I know and I really liked him” Girl two “What made him turn so funny then?” Girl one “Well he saw me updating my status when we were doing it at his mum’s house” Girl two giggling “No” Girl one proudly “Well he was going at it like he does and I figured he was busy and they’ve got that wireless Infinity broadband you know the really fast one. So I replied to a couple of messages” Girl two “What while he was..” Girl one “Hm I mean it was good but sometimes I don’t feel that involved. He used to just shove away for ages and think it was good for me. But I didn’t mind that much. He was sweet really the little noises he’d make” Girl two “So what’d he say?” Girl one “Ah you know the usual it’s not you it’s me but I noticed that he changed his status that night. I mean how insensitive. I’m glad he’s gone cos I really I don’t need that kind of negative energy in my life to be honest” Girl two “So you’re with TZ now right” Girl one “Yeah he’s not that bright but he’s loyal and he’s got a car. Oh yeah and he’s got really nice legs and his bum is like really firm” They then started talking about the bands……..
I must just say at this point in case you think I just make this stuff up. I often record bits with my phone (especially in cafes) and I now carry a small pad and pen everywhere as well of course as my trusty Samsung. So although it might be not exactly the words they are very very very close. Trust me I don’t have this kind of imagination.
Londoner’s Life Overheard 36 by Phil Ryan
It’s funny how you slip into a new routine. Since my light bulb moment in Covent Garden when I created this new column I am now so much more attuned when I’m out on my travels. My ears are set to scan especially in cafes. You learn to filter in a way. And then if you’re lucky a phrase or a voice reaction somewhere behind you or off to the side catches you. I have a Samsung S2 phone which means I can quickly tap away on my qwerty keypad during and once the conversation is over. So just a quick snatch from one such encounter. Hampstead. A cinema foyer. Outside a girl is on the phone.
Girl: No you’re not listening. I only slept with him because he asked (she listens for quite a long while) Yeah but he did ask nicely…
But to this week’s offering. A tea room in Cambridge.
Middle aged man in very sensible clothing. “Well I still don’t see what’s wrong with Turkey again. Your brother loved it last year” Sullen girl ”Dad it’s full of weird hairy guys staring at me on the beach you ask mum” Middle aged man “You’re imagining it. Anyway perhaps they don’t see blonde haired people much you know they’ve all got dark hair haven’t they?” Sullen girl “It’s not about my hair dad. I’m fourteen now” she pauses “And I’m (whispers very loudly) “Getting much bigger you know up there” Middle aged man “What do you mean?” Sullen girl in exasperation “Breasts Dad big ones” Middle aged man sounds shocked “Really does your mother know” Sullen girl “Yes of course she knows she keeps buying me loose tee shirts but I’m not swimming in tee shirts. Can’t we go to an apartment in Portugal like Auntie Gwynn and her lot. It had its own pool and everything and she said it cost as much as the hotel we stay in less even” Middle aged dad “Really it costs the same for an apartment. I’ll talk to your mother. I’m sorry about your chest issues” Sullen girl suddenly brightening “Don’t sweat it Dad I’m not. They look great.”
At this point a lady I presumed was the mother appeared.
Middle aged man “Hello love. Jasmine and I have had a brainwave. D’you fancy Portugal for a holiday this year just for a change?” Lady “Isn’t it a bit fish orientated dear?”
They then agreed on going back to Turkey and talked about nothing but the sales in Marks and Spencer. The daughter went back to texting.
It’s tricky as some of these London Overheard’s of mine sometimes don’t always work out. So I’m keeping my ears open on your behalf. Keep listening!
Londoners Life – Overheard by Phil Ryan
My new column is still writing itself. I just plonk myself outside at a café now and slowly eat a croissant and sip my tea and the universe delivers me gold! I get bits that are too short which I put in now and again but then a doozy comes along. In a café off the Kings Road I only had to wait five minutes for this:
Man in fancy jogging outfit to plaid checked shirt wearing friend:
“No I’m a lousy father I know it. But the kids have got to learn not to rely on anyone especially me” Plaid shirt guy “You’re not that bad” Jogging guy “ Yes I am Rob I am signally the lousiest father on the planet. You’re being very kind but it’s the truth. I forget their birthdays and to tell you the truth I don’t even like Josh. He’s a horrible kid. You’ve seen he’s got those little piggy eyes to tell you the truth I’m not even sure he’s mine” They both sip their coffees and a long silence falls. Until jogging man says “She’s having an affair I’m sure of it” Plaid shirt man suddenly very surprised “God. Really you think that. Really” Jogging guy “Yeah it’s obvious. She keeps being nice to me. Always glad to see me when I come home. Making me coffee. She bought me a new ipod last week.”
Plaid shirt guy “Christ I see” Jogging guy laughs hollowly ”I mean I’m away so much I can’t blame her. But it’s not nice you know. I’m not sure if she uses the house. Probably not” Plaid shirt guy “I’m sure you’re imagining it” Jogging guy “Maybe. But I just get a sense of it. I was gone for three weeks last month the office needed me back stateside. And she called me and her voice was funny like she’d been running or something” Plaid shirt guy “Maybe she’d been running. You know running to the phone she could have been upstairs” Jogging guy “Exactly you see upstairs. But with who” Plaid shirt man “I think you’re imagining it” Jogging guy ”Maybe, maybe”.
I have to point out at this point that not all of my ‘Overheard’s’ finish exactly and some drift into just general chit chat about nothing in particular. And that’s what these guys did but the last thing I heard as they left was this.
Jogging guy “Maybe I’ll turn gay”
Bless you London.