Londoners Life 8 – by Phil Ryan

Well, in London, Christmas and the New Year are truly over now. It’s the end to that weird kind of period of semi-social vacuum. Londoners generally indulge in the early sales tradition (strikes permitting) and catching up with all the less important friends on their list. It’s a brief respite that many enjoy. But now we’re all back with a vengeance – coping with the new EVERYTHING IS GOING UP mantra that the London authorities are now teaching us to swallow.

From Oyster Cards to restaurants, the price of everything is on the increase. But the London way is to shrug and just carry on as usual. I watched people on the London News just rolling their eyes at the various reporters’ daft questions. As if to say: “Huh? This is London – plus we have no choice. Asking us how we feel is a pointless exercise. We don’t have time to feel! We’re Londoners. Busy busy.”

So what are my London predictions for this year?

Well, house prices don’t seem to be heading down, no matter what the market does. So expect the rental market prices to keep heading skywards. And the price for first-time flat buyers to remain tantalisingly out of reach – unless you’re 12 and from Qatar or Russia – in which case you’ll buy the building from your pocket money. Plus you’ll sadly notice an explosion of posher estate agents appearing in your area. Luxury properties will remain immune to the price issues and continue to rise. You’ll see the expansion of trendy middle class folk fleeing to Lidl and Aldi (as seen in all the fashion mags where various ladies enthuse about their products) and you’ll see lots more branches of said lower cost German brands appearing.

I visited a friend the other day and they were enthusing about their tins of low cost and catchily named schweinekartoffelaffensuppe from those lovely well-known folk at Krauten Valley Fabrik GMBH and some huge packets of weird looking cakes called Kuchenzuckertortestrassezitrone from Panzer Backerie 17. The kids love them apparently, but are now all diabetic.

You can expect a lot more London local high streets to empty of smaller shops and fill with shuttered fronts as the huge shop opening programme of Tesco and Sainsbury continue to suck the life from them. In my own area, we have two mini Tesco’s about eight minutes from each other, now to be joined in a month’s time by a Sainsbury’s sandwiched in between them. Convenient, yes. I suppose. Food quality, sadly crap!

So, expect more small shops to bite the dust in droves, aided by the ever-increasing ramping up of parking revenues from London Councils now sending ever growing hordes of Parking Attendants, or whatever new name they’re calling them, out onto the streets scaring customers away. Check out the new parking times arriving near you soon. In many areas, meters will soon run from 8.30am until midnight. As I say – you can drive where you like in London – you just can’t stop. Well, not without giving up your life savings anyway. Which means more local small shops will vanish thanks to the Council’s greed.

Unsurprisingly, because of the economic factors you’re going to see a lot more churchgoers this year. Especially among the young and fashionable. It’s a trend that’s expanding. Cool churches with bands and singers. More of an open mic night with Jesus. So Sundays are going to get busier in your area. But the crowds will all turn the other cheek which is nice.

Apart from that the Olympic juggernaut will roll on – relentless ads of people telling us how fantastic it’s going to be interspersed with the truth about ludicrous and impossible ticket prices, private roads for Olympic fat cats and the fact that the Government will be flogging all the buildings and venues to Overseas companies at knockdown bargain prices when the whole ghastly thing is over.

And expect the Underground to get worse if that’s possible. Regular upgrade closures and strikes will really be the order of the day. Hmm. That’s about it. Oh yes, I nearly forgot. Expect the West End to overflow with even more film to musical adaptations this year. I see ‘Shrek the Musical’ is on its way (good God!).  I was looking forward to ‘Saw IV the Musical’ myself but apparently it’s not been written.

So predictions over. Something I’m noticing is that real theatre is now virtually on its knees in London. It’s only kept alive by smaller groups and brave theatre collectives thankfully, but the big boys seem to have thrown in the towel generally. Three new plays came into the West End last year. Wowee! (we should take Kevin Spacey’s passport away to stop him leaving – he’s almost singlehandedly propping up real theatre – give him a knighthood or something I say)

Finally, while I’m on the subject of entertainment, this is the year of relaunches of various new London Clubs,  including the Blitz Club and possibly some new remakes of closed venues. But it will be interesting to see if the money and the appetite is there to support such ventures.

The London appetite for nostalgia shows no signs of abating as I also notice lots more old fashioned Tea Rooms opening up. Proper ones too, I’m pleased to report. Not the organic designer kind. Real cakes. Normal teas.

So that’s it. Predictions REALLY over. Doom and gloom with glimmers of hope here and there. But will any of this stop us having a good time? No. Not in the least. It’s a London thing.