Tag Archives: pblogger

MumsThread On The Kindness of Strangers

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baby, shared parental leave, feminism, equality, childcare, leave, maternal, work, working mothers, lean inMy last few pieces have been quite negative so I thought I would share something positive today: just how kind people can be when you have a child. That knowing look that other parents give you, that it-is-going-to-be-okay smile that complete stranger do to make you feel better. I remember trying to get into my flat once and struggling to get the pram through the heavy door, a man in a van stopped and asked if I needed help, followed by two other people. That was three people in a row. I was really touched and it made my day. I didn’t want to put any of them out- the pram just needed an extra push at that point- but when you are a parent, especially one with a baby, any kindness really does make your day.

I have had people come up to me in restaurants and tell them how beautiful my son is (I know, proud mum alert). Babies and toddlers are social lubricant. I have talked to more people since I had my son than I had in years. It does feel like when you have a child you enter some kind of club. Not in a bad way, just in a way that other parents will usually strike up a conversation or try to help if they can. Having a child opens up an entire new world. I took my son to Baby Ballet recently, and it was so sweet seeing him with all of the other children, but it was also great being surrounded by other parents. Having a child can be an isolating experience, any kindness you can get, any human contact at all can make or break a day. I am grateful to every single person who took their time. Even if it was just a smile.

What are your experiences of parenting? Share them with us by emailing frostmagazine@gmail.com, comment below or tweet us at @frostmag

 

Diary of a Freelance Working Mother: Park Life

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A term time break. The summer holidays. This used to mean something when I was in school, but since my son is still in toddlerhood it does not hold the same excitement. I am not saying it has no effect on my life: the toddler groups close or become less frequent. When they are open they are busier than ever. It seems like everyone, apart from our family, has taken August off and is having a wonderful time sunning themselves in an exotic location. Cry. But what really changes during term breaks is that I end up going to the park with my little one. Parks that are busier than ever.

Usually my little one and I are too busy to go to the park. His social life is packed with different events and lessons. From Monkey Music to his toddler groups. But toddlers need to learn, get fresh air, and burn off their energy. Fun for toddlers, but not always for the mama. I usually love taking my son on the swing, and watching him do the assault course. There are a lot of parks near where we live in South-West London, and they all have something different to offer. But the real interesting thing is the people that each park attracts. Some are easy-going with friendly toddlers, others are full of aggressive children and mothers who do not care. General piece of advice to them: it is called parenting, not let-them-do-whatever-they-want-ing. I reckon I could write a book just on the politics of park life.

I recently had a lovely conversation with a little girl about Star Wars, had an aggressive 10-year-old call my two-year-old a ‘s**t f**k’ because he wanted to go on the bus, and strike up a conversation with a friendly Irish mother whose sons toy my son kept trying to steal. It went well until she told me that 5-year-olds are harder work than two-year-olds and then I just wanted to start drinking, everyday.

I have had many great conversations with other mothers and their children. Not every experience has been great however. Where there is all of life that will not happen. Recently it started to rain just as I took my son to the park, we waited under a tree until it passed. Another mother came to the fence near us and started saying how she had lost her phone to a friend, and had left it on the fence. She gave me the eye and I gave the eye back, irritated. She then went all over the park looking for her phone. A while later she came up to me and asked ‘if I had seen a phone’. I told her, no. The rain passed and I took my son into the park for some fun. I looked over at one point to see the mean mother, who had previously been bitching about me to all of her friends, On Her Phone. No apology. Difficult mothers cannot be entirely avoided. Neither can the competitive ones. One mother kept telling me my son was 3 ‘because he looks 3’ It is hard to argue with that kind of logic.

Negative moments aside I now get why I saw so many mother in parks before I become a mother. Some looked exhausted and spaced out, others were on their phones, and some looked happy as they watched their child play. The park allows parents to socialise while the children burn off energy. On a tough day, it takes some of those hours away when they feel endless. So I might see you at the park, but I will make sure it is a friendly one. Feel free to strike up a conversation.

 

On Becoming a Mother When Your Own Mother Lives Far Away

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pregnancyWhile becoming a mother brings on a tsunami of new emotions, becoming a mother when your own mother lives in another country (or kingdom in my case, I live in London, my mother lives in Scotland), adds a tornado to the mix. I remember walking around The Baby Show while heavily pregnant, trying to bury down the melancholy because it seemed that every other woman was there with her mother.

My mother was there for the birth of my son. Not in the room, but she came down for the week. Unfortunately I was in labour for five of those days and she barely got to see her grandson before she had to head back up to Scotland. He was born in April and she didn’t get to see him again until January and is only seeing him again now, in October. It is slim pickings indeed. It hurts as she misses the milestones. It hurts that she doesn’t see him on a regular basis, get to cuddle him and breathe him in. We FaceTime and that makes a difference, but as the months go by it just isn’t enough.

It has been hard being without my family a lot in my life, but it is so much worse after you have a child. My brother has childcare whenever he needs it, day or night. My mother saw my nephew grow and become the 5-year-old he is today. I missed seeing my nephew grow up. When I saw him after a 6-months or 12-months gap I would not recognise him at first. Such was the incredulousness of this little boy being the baby that was my nephew. My mother even missed my son’t birthday weekend. We both felt that.

I only saw my mother once when I was pregnant and by that time I was six months gone. I had an awful pregnancy and missed having my family around me. I wish I could take my mother to the park with my son, have lunch with her, see him cuddle her and take her by the hand. It has been almost ten years since I moved to London. I always knew the move was permanent, but I was so young getting married and having children didn’t enter my head. Raising your own family so far away from your own can feel like a stake to the heart. I miss my family everyday, but more than that; I miss them seeing my son grow up. I guess the upside is that when we are with them we make the most of it. It is all the sweeter for being rare. It is a small consolation.

Should People Who Don’t Have Children Be Allowed To Tell You How To Raise Yours?

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baby,nappies, nappy, save, cheap, budget, working mothers, overwork, stress

Before I was married and had children I would always say that people who weren’t married should not give advice to people who are married, and that people who don’t have children, shouldn’t give advice to people who have children. Now that I am married and I have a child I can tell you that my belief has only hardened. I know that is controversial. I know some of you might want to slap me right now. I am worried that some of you may even thing I am coming across a bit Andrea Leadsom. But this is not a smug parenting thing. It is not an us versus them: it is simply the fact that parenting looks very different from the outside, and that unless you have been in the trenches, you have no idea what it is actually like.

There are some anomalies: live-in nannies, childcare professionals and the like. But if you don’t have extensive childcare experience, and you don’t have any children of your own, then don’t tell me how to raise my child. You would be surprised how much this happens. There is one specific person who criticises or makes a negative comment about my son, and how my husband and I are raising him, every time we see them. It takes everything I have to not point out to this person that they have never been around a child in their life and should therefore STFU. It is not even that this person has a point. Each criticism is something they have to seek and is nonsense: a comment on how our son is dressed etc.

General unsolicited advice is infuriating at the best of times, but when it is people telling you how to parent it is especially annoying. Being a parent is hard. There is no day off, no breaks, and certainly no sick days. I once worked on a film, a West End play and organised the launch party for Frost all in one month. It was brutal and relentless, but it was still nothing compared to parenting. To go back to my point about parenting looking different from the outside; before I had a child I would hear a baby crying, or be in a restaurant wondering why people were just letting their children run around. Now, there are still some days where I think what are you doing? (because I am human), but the thing is, that parent has probably done everything they can to stop the crying baby. The parents in the restaurant are just so tired they can’t move. You don’t know what lead up to that point or what that person is feeling. They are not doing nothing, they have already done what they can.

So don’t tell people what there child should be wearing or eating. Don’t tell them to shut their child up. The child has just as much right to be speaking as you do. Don’t be that person rolling your eyes because there is a baby crying on the bus (like I was!), because until you become a parent, you have no idea how hard it is and if you have one of your own you will feel very guilty indeed.

So should people who don’t have children be allowed to tell you how to raise yours? No. I am trying to swear less now I am a mother so I will use an acronym: that person should STFU.

 

 

Top 20 most Stressful Things about Parenthood

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baby, shared parental leave, feminism, equality, childcare, leave, maternal, work, working mothers, lean inThe answer to this could be everything. No, we jest. A recent poll of 2,000 parents has revealed the Top 20 most stressful things about parenting. The nightly teeth-cleaning battle, the bedtime routine and the dreaded school run are among the most stressful things about parenthood, a study has found.

The average mum and dad spend almost two hours a day feeling stressed, with trying to keep the house tidy the most common cause.

Others feel the strain at bath time, while trying to get children to behave in public and shopping for new clothes with the youngsters in tow.

Mornings – complete with getting the children out of the door for the school run, persuading them to finish their breakfast and clean their teeth – are the most stressful time of the day, claiming five of the 10 top stresses.

Dr Linda Papadopoulos, who has been working with belVita Breakfast to help relieve parents, particularly in the mornings, said: “The stress and challenges of parenting can feel overwhelming – especially when we feel under pressure to get a lot done in a short space of time.

“Morning can be especially challenging and it’s key to develop a positive, convenient routine in the morning as it sets the rhythm for the day.

“When it’s ‘back to school time’, trying to get everything done and leaving the house on time is at its most pressurised so developing strategies that you give you and your family a sense of control is really important.”

The study by belVita Breakfast of 2,000 parents of school-age children, found that staying on top of the house chores is the biggest cause of stress for mums and dads, while getting the children to do their homework and the bedtime routine are also big triggers.

Researchers also found the average parent spends one hour and 48 minutes of each day feeling stressed, with 63 per cent going as far as to say the majority of their stress is parenting related.

Mornings are the worst time of day for parents with the average mum and dad having at least one day a week where they struggle to get out of the front door on time for school and work.

The children taking too long to do things is usually to blame for the family’s lateness, followed by youngsters not doing as they are asked and not getting out of bed.

But as a result of the frantic mornings, one in five parents has dropped the kids off at school after the bell and the same percentage have ended up late for work as a result.

Others have given the children lunch money instead of a lunch box, sent them to school in dirty or un-ironed uniform or with wet hair.

As families prepare for the dreaded ‘back to school’ week, it’s not just kids who bear the brunt of the ‘morning madness’, with over a third of parents forgetting breakfast and 38 per cent having a fight with their partner over who takes on the most in the morning.

Eighty-seven per cent even said they look forward to the weekends when they don’t have to worry about the school run and leaving the house on time.

It also emerged that 66 per cent of parents believe mums bear the brunt of the morning and back to school stress, with half admitting they often argue with their partner about who gets the raw deal.

 

 

Top 20 most stressful things about parenthood

1. Keeping the house tidy and the chores up to date

2. Getting the children ready and out of the door in time for school

3. Getting back into a school/morning routine after the school holidays

4. Getting children to do their homework/reading

5. The bedtime routine

6. Getting children to eat certain foods

7. Getting children to clean their teeth

8. Making sure my children are well behaved in public

9. Getting back into a school/morning routine after the school holidays

10. Getting children out of bed in the mornings

11. Meal times

12. The school run

13. Entertaining children on a rainy day

14. Remembering everything they need for school

15. Shopping for new clothes

16. The back to school period

17. Getting children to sleep through the night

18. Getting children to eat their breakfast

19. Juggling your children’s different after school/weekend clubs schedule

20. Getting children dressed in the mornings