Well another week in this great city of London. And another stealthily garnered piece of minutiae of the wonderful inner world so many people inhabit. My wide open ears are now so finely attuned to this stuff I have to concentrate to turn them off! Happily I get to grab my pieces between meetings and things when I am often on my own and can really concentrate. So here’s my usual sharp intake of breath one liner I grabbed outside Bank Tube station. Sharply suited man in designer shades loudly into mobile phone: “For christ’s sake Toby it’s a fucking gibbon. Deal with it”. Huh???????
However this week’s standout winner was the five tourists from Spain (they had Bright red jackets with Espana printed on them) and they were having coffee and cake with a tour guide and obvious Language teacher in The Crypt at St Martins in the Field Café. I was sitting virtually in front of them as the tables were shoved together so I could watch as well from behind my paper.
Young Language guy “Yes its silly isn’t it it’s written as Leciester Square (he enunciates liesester slowly and sharply) but it’s pronounced as Lester” Sharp faced woman “But why?” Young Language guy “I think it’s something to do with the french” The Spanish people muttered to each other sounding puzzled. Sharp faced woman’s friend “Oh so the french people wrote in English then” Young Language guy” Oh er no its more the way they influenced the way we pronounce things. We have lots of french words er like we say cul-de-sac for a dead-end for instance” Sharp faced woman “Why not just say dead-end?” Young language guy “ Er I don’t know we just do” Sharp faced woman’s friend “ We enjoy to speak the English but we worry about these strange words. What is paedophile?” (she carefully pronounced each phrase turning it into peed O feel) Young Language guy “Ohh um where did you hear that?” Sharp faced Spanish woman’s friend “It was on our free paper this morning it had a picture of a priest is he famous?” Young language guy “Ah no he’s um not famous er it means” he took ages to speak again “Um he’s not very nice towards children” Sharp faced woman “How do you mean this not very nice does he shout at them please to explain” The whole group looked at him with interested expressions. Young language guy “No he um holds them er too close and often without clothing” He was struggling now and the expressions on their faces were a picture. Sharp face woman suddenly brightly “Who of us wants more how do we say scones”
I didn’t get what happened next but they left. I bet they didn’t try out any new words that day!
Tag Archives: Phil Ryan
Theatre Review by Phil Ryan of Trash by Tom Hunt at the Space East London
Trash by Tom Hunt directed by Kim Moakes
Produced by LittleBerry Productions
A strong ensemble piece with a slightly frantic pace the audience seemed delighted at this witty and cleverly written piece. The subject matter was well chosen and quite competently explored. A difficult ask of a director, the very large cast (and I think the cast was a little too large) Kim Moakes delivered a bold and amusing vision of a student house with an alternative twist.
Despite the rather unwieldy size of the cast there were some standout performances. These included the nicely laconic Noor Dillan-Night ably and cleverly channelling a wannabe urban revolutionary and excellent and strong physical comedy from Adeline Waybey who perfectly captured the bawdy street persona of wild child freagan Vikki. A special mention is Alexis Coward who delivered a wonderful other wordly performance as Curly Kat, brilliantly inhabiting a child-like modern hippy girl who at times appeared to be in a world of her own.
At the risk of repetition the piece did struggle at times due to the large 12 strong cast with certain parts highly confusing as so much was going on. Plus the acoustic properties of the space itself made certain sections quite overpowering. But that said much of the audience seemed to enjoy the slightly muddled and noisy interactions. And my belief is when a full capacity audience are laughing constantly and uproaringly the play must be doing something right. With elements of high farce the piece was both entertaining and funny to watch. Finally I was very heartened at the broad age range of the audience demonstrating that LittleBerry productions can deliver a mainstream piece of theatre and should go from strength to strength.
Definitely one to watch.
Phil Ryan 16th September 2012
Londoner’s Life – Overheard 39 by Phil Ryan
I’ve had a frantic week replying to emails and finishing a writing project. But I still had three windows of opportunity to sort out another London overheard. Found myself in Hungerford in Oxford mid- week at a fancy gastro pub. And caught this brief gem from a couple sat watching a traditional looking house barge mooring by the side of a canal. Man to wife pleasantly “Look at that Miriam that’s the kind of life I could get used to” Miriam in a bored tone “I don’t think so you actually have to work quite hard to run one of those things. You are completely useless and workshy and you know it” Ouch! But here’s this week’s stolen moment from a bar at a gig in Central London:
Two Goth looking girls: Girl one “I couldn’t believe it really it’s not like I’m on Facebook that much” Girl two “So he cut you off just like that” Girl one “Yeah I know and I really liked him” Girl two “What made him turn so funny then?” Girl one “Well he saw me updating my status when we were doing it at his mum’s house” Girl two giggling “No” Girl one proudly “Well he was going at it like he does and I figured he was busy and they’ve got that wireless Infinity broadband you know the really fast one. So I replied to a couple of messages” Girl two “What while he was..” Girl one “Hm I mean it was good but sometimes I don’t feel that involved. He used to just shove away for ages and think it was good for me. But I didn’t mind that much. He was sweet really the little noises he’d make” Girl two “So what’d he say?” Girl one “Ah you know the usual it’s not you it’s me but I noticed that he changed his status that night. I mean how insensitive. I’m glad he’s gone cos I really I don’t need that kind of negative energy in my life to be honest” Girl two “So you’re with TZ now right” Girl one “Yeah he’s not that bright but he’s loyal and he’s got a car. Oh yeah and he’s got really nice legs and his bum is like really firm” They then started talking about the bands……..
I must just say at this point in case you think I just make this stuff up. I often record bits with my phone (especially in cafes) and I now carry a small pad and pen everywhere as well of course as my trusty Samsung. So although it might be not exactly the words they are very very very close. Trust me I don’t have this kind of imagination.
Londoner’s Life Overheard 36 by Phil Ryan
It’s funny how you slip into a new routine. Since my light bulb moment in Covent Garden when I created this new column I am now so much more attuned when I’m out on my travels. My ears are set to scan especially in cafes. You learn to filter in a way. And then if you’re lucky a phrase or a voice reaction somewhere behind you or off to the side catches you. I have a Samsung S2 phone which means I can quickly tap away on my qwerty keypad during and once the conversation is over. So just a quick snatch from one such encounter. Hampstead. A cinema foyer. Outside a girl is on the phone.
Girl: No you’re not listening. I only slept with him because he asked (she listens for quite a long while) Yeah but he did ask nicely…
But to this week’s offering. A tea room in Cambridge.
Middle aged man in very sensible clothing. “Well I still don’t see what’s wrong with Turkey again. Your brother loved it last year” Sullen girl ”Dad it’s full of weird hairy guys staring at me on the beach you ask mum” Middle aged man “You’re imagining it. Anyway perhaps they don’t see blonde haired people much you know they’ve all got dark hair haven’t they?” Sullen girl “It’s not about my hair dad. I’m fourteen now” she pauses “And I’m (whispers very loudly) “Getting much bigger you know up there” Middle aged man “What do you mean?” Sullen girl in exasperation “Breasts Dad big ones” Middle aged man sounds shocked “Really does your mother know” Sullen girl “Yes of course she knows she keeps buying me loose tee shirts but I’m not swimming in tee shirts. Can’t we go to an apartment in Portugal like Auntie Gwynn and her lot. It had its own pool and everything and she said it cost as much as the hotel we stay in less even” Middle aged dad “Really it costs the same for an apartment. I’ll talk to your mother. I’m sorry about your chest issues” Sullen girl suddenly brightening “Don’t sweat it Dad I’m not. They look great.”
At this point a lady I presumed was the mother appeared.
Middle aged man “Hello love. Jasmine and I have had a brainwave. D’you fancy Portugal for a holiday this year just for a change?” Lady “Isn’t it a bit fish orientated dear?”
They then agreed on going back to Turkey and talked about nothing but the sales in Marks and Spencer. The daughter went back to texting.
It’s tricky as some of these London Overheard’s of mine sometimes don’t always work out. So I’m keeping my ears open on your behalf. Keep listening!
Londoners Life – Overheard by Phil Ryan
My new column is still writing itself. I just plonk myself outside at a café now and slowly eat a croissant and sip my tea and the universe delivers me gold! I get bits that are too short which I put in now and again but then a doozy comes along. In a café off the Kings Road I only had to wait five minutes for this:
Man in fancy jogging outfit to plaid checked shirt wearing friend:
“No I’m a lousy father I know it. But the kids have got to learn not to rely on anyone especially me” Plaid shirt guy “You’re not that bad” Jogging guy “ Yes I am Rob I am signally the lousiest father on the planet. You’re being very kind but it’s the truth. I forget their birthdays and to tell you the truth I don’t even like Josh. He’s a horrible kid. You’ve seen he’s got those little piggy eyes to tell you the truth I’m not even sure he’s mine” They both sip their coffees and a long silence falls. Until jogging man says “She’s having an affair I’m sure of it” Plaid shirt man suddenly very surprised “God. Really you think that. Really” Jogging guy “Yeah it’s obvious. She keeps being nice to me. Always glad to see me when I come home. Making me coffee. She bought me a new ipod last week.”
Plaid shirt guy “Christ I see” Jogging guy laughs hollowly ”I mean I’m away so much I can’t blame her. But it’s not nice you know. I’m not sure if she uses the house. Probably not” Plaid shirt guy “I’m sure you’re imagining it” Jogging guy “Maybe. But I just get a sense of it. I was gone for three weeks last month the office needed me back stateside. And she called me and her voice was funny like she’d been running or something” Plaid shirt guy “Maybe she’d been running. You know running to the phone she could have been upstairs” Jogging guy “Exactly you see upstairs. But with who” Plaid shirt man “I think you’re imagining it” Jogging guy ”Maybe, maybe”.
I have to point out at this point that not all of my ‘Overheard’s’ finish exactly and some drift into just general chit chat about nothing in particular. And that’s what these guys did but the last thing I heard as they left was this.
Jogging guy “Maybe I’ll turn gay”
Bless you London.
Londoner’s Life 30 – by Phil Ryan
London is filling up – it’s official. Day by day it’s a combination of the vaguely improving weather and the tourists. All I can say is I’m seriously trying to avoid Central London most weeks now. I’ll stay out on the periphery. The tubes are becoming pretty unpleasant as well as curiously unreliable. And by that I mean it’s like they’re going to mess Londoners around until the Olympic weeks and then they’ll go for a breakdown free period by throwing our money at the problems in bucket loads. There was a great article in the Evening Standard where some TFL lackey mused about the ‘possibility’ that some customers (we’re not customers we are passengers!) MAY HAVE BEEN overcharged. So now they say they will allow us to check our journeys online and see where we’ve been ripped off. I wonder how many people will be able to backtrack their weekly travels with pinpoint accuracy plus how do you prove you were overcharged? And try to imagine how this will work during the Olympic cattle train period. Hm.
But London is full of other activity right now as to give one example – the foodie season slides into view. You know those events with chefs and foreign food suppliers creating dishes no-one ever cooks at home but wishes they could. And if you ever needed edible proof of a financial divide in our London communities you’ll note the explosion in ‘boutique’ foodie shops that sell only olive oil or cheese happily trading in Kensington and Hampstead whereas Cricklewood and Dalston get a new Lidl. Various food festivals are scheduled for parks and exhibition centres giving a slight lie to the ‘recession’ theory. By that I mean there is of course those who are ‘recession’ free. I think these are the same people who seem to be able to afford the ever insanely spiralling housing costs. Is it me but never a week goes by now where I don’t see huge demolition sites popping up across London all carrying artists drawings of ‘a new selection of fine apartments’. They are cramming these places into every nook and cranny they can. And the average prices all start from £850,000. I noted at least four in town where the starting prices were £1.5 million! Huh? I guess London isn’t doing a badly as I thought. But where is this kind of money coming from? It must be from the same folk who buy wind dried Bolivian Llama cheese with pistachios and vintage pear brandy.
The food styles as ever usher in the latest fads – and the new ‘hookah’ shisha cafes seem to be fitfully springing up everywhere but I get the sense they just won’t last. The food is secondary to the sitting there blowing bubbles out of a table lamp as far as I can see. A new one opened up recently in my area (we already have one) and it just looks tacky and slightly seedy. All the cafés interior lights are red for some odd reason giving the customers the appearance of sitting in the recreation of a womb or a nuclear submarine during an emergency dive. There’s a huge flickering TV that no-one seems to be looking at. And the music is that curious thudding Arabic meets disco style that screams how trendy and cosmopolitan our patrons are. This ignores the fact that they are killing themselves with a highly carcogenic substance as they puff away like beagles on acid. But they are clearly trend setters. On the Edgware Road I understand it as it is officially part of the Gulf States up there. But in most other places it just looks vaguely out of place. And they all seem to have a temporary air. There is something vaguely inevitable about it. I give my new local one about three months. Style eh?
Finally the papers are full of it. It really is strike season in London with a vengeance. Almost every Transport group is faced with demands for more money from its staff (the Olympic effect) plus other obscure groups are now getting in on the act. My favourite group being the Traffic Wardens. These guys (who I personally can’t stand) are I understand badly paid as they gleefully extort money with official sanction from all London councils.
I know they are people and they are only following orders and I know they have targets to hit. BUT. No-one likes them and it’s not just a London thing. And it would be ironic if they went on strike. Because people still wouldn’t like them! Even though, we might get some relief from the extortionate parking charges that are now a staple of every London Borough. The sad fact however is that when the strike ends the Council will just charge motorists even more to make up their losses (see Camden Council the biggest bunch of hypocrites on the planet) Like many London Councils they have a ‘green agenda’. This involves ripping off motorists, lying about it, er that’s it. But hey ho that’s how the cookie crumbles nowadays. And no matter how ludicrous the charges get (I personally pay more for my residents parking permit than I do for my car tax!!!) We have no choice. No car means tons of inconvenience and a loss of personal freedom for thousands of us. But do Londoners get upset. Yes they do. Will it ever change? No.It’s a London thing.
Londoner’s Life 29 – by Phil Ryan
Londoner’s Life 29 – By Phil Ryan
Boris won. Ken lost. So that’s the Mayoral nonsense out of the way. I popped into my local church and put my cross in the boxes. Curious really, a kind of religious voting experience. But it was probably a futile gesture as nothing much will change. Everything will stay expensive. Nothing will get cheaper. And the weirdo fringe candidates like the BNP and Liberal Democrats attracted hardly any support in the end. So what was the point of them all? It was Boris vs Ken. And think of all the money they both wasted. But hey that’s democracy so I guess I shouldn’t complain. In London we seem to lead the way in fairness and openness. That is unless of course you’re trying to get into the country via Heathrow. Yes London’s premier airport is leading the world now in queues. It’s our Olympic year and London is saying welcome and come on in. You’ve flown for a few hours and now as a welcoming exercise we’d like you to stand in line for three more tedious hours and shuffle along like drugged penguins. Our staff have all been employed only if they are miserable and intolerant. Make any kind of fuss – even slightly raise your voice and miraculously we have loads of staff to escort you to an interrogation room. Hm. And I love our chip and pin type passports with their hi tec machines plus their human components. Last month I flew back from France. Confidently headed for the chipped passport gates but before I got there a very kind lady stopped me and explained how to use them. Hm.
Isn’t the point being that it’s a machine with clear instructions. So I listened to her briefly and her two colleagues who came across to assist her! I didn’t want to seem rude so instead of putting my passport on the reader I politely let them waste five minutes of my time and then I did what I was intending all along. I put my passport on the reader and looked at the camera thing. The gates opened and I ran for the Heathrow Express. Over manning or what? Meanwhile the other queue snaked back out of the corridor. Welcome to London.
My favourite new bit of over hyping Olympic nonsense was the pure London moment when the army went to Bow to put missiles onto the roofs of tower blocks to find many already had them. Just kidding! But seriously the kids are more armed than the army round that way. Pity the terrorist who wanders into Bow, he’s done for. Personally I think it’s a scam by Barratt’s Homes or even the Government. I mean imagine if they do shoot down a plane. Where does it crash exactly? Bow or Canning Town somewhere. It’s a regeneration project essentially dressed up as security. But we lurch closer to the joy of the Olympics with each passing week. My most chilling moment was watching some bland nerk from Transport for London (TFL) colloquially known as Totally ********* London. He stood in front of the front of a station and calmly asserted that there would be 3 million more tube passengers using the system EVERY DAY during the Olympics. What? Have any of them actually been on the tube? It is going to be a nightmare. But then only a London official could make the following statement. He went on to say that today they were launching a poster campaign and get this ‘encouraging Londoner’s to find different ways to get to work’. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. Different ways? What Hot Air balloons, jet packs, levitation. How about roller skates? It’s like they’ve collectively all dropped some acid. They have abandoned any grasp on reality. But hey ho! This is London and TFL and anything is possible apparently. Come the games it’s essentially going to be the world’s largest and sweatiest mobile game of Twister!
But it’s not all bad news. It’s the Queens Diamond Jubilee celebration soon (god bless her). A procession of golden boats and pageantry and an opportunity for street parties. So here in London it’s a chance for another holiday as remember its bank holiday season. Every other week seems to be a holiday. Which on the one hand is great. On the other the train companies calmly make every weekend a train free zone. And from what I see on some of the weekend jubilee celebrations the train companies will do their level best to stop you getting there. No wonder Londoners get so resigned to their travelling fate. However at my local London Overground station when I head for the platform the staff now excitedly tell me we have trains honestly lots of them look go and see! It’s quite touching in a way.
Finally trend news moment. It’s now the complete rise of the east with the Sushi places I’ve mentioned before. But now I see a blossoming undercurrent of new British themed gastro pubs or ‘eating rooms’ as they trendily call themselves. It’s suddenly organic sausages and Kent potatoes and gravy. And whilst I cautiously welcome this type of place (all very 50’s in decor but British 50’s mind you so coooool) again the prices are very scary. I went to a new one plugged in the Evening Standard and paid eighteen pounds for some chops. Not very recession friendly. Conversely I notice most of them are signed up to that Taste Card company (as am I) Discount food seems the only way they can get people in at the start of the week. Remember folks it’s a double dip recession so watch those pennies. And choose carefully. Although is it stopping us going out to these places? Are people baulking at the prices? No not really. It’s a London thing.
Londoner’s Life 27 – by Phil Ryan
Well the last weeks in London have been characterized by terrible weather. A huge disappointment for London retailers when everybody went away on Holiday for Easter and of course the ever pointless Mayoral elections. My favourite little story however was how much Oyster Cards steal people’s money. It’s incredible, a po faced TFL official blamed customers inability to touch in and out correctly! But then when you start looking into it because we are so trusting we all assume even when we do ‘correctly’ touch in and out the right money will be taken. WRONG. It’s a bit of a lottery apparently. There were thousands of tweets and emails with various folks pointing out that they had random sums (almost all large) swiped from them (no pun intended) It seems you have to check your travel history. The best way is to set up an online account and then track each journey – how very convenient. But the sums erroneously taken head into the tens of millions which is staggering. System error kept cropping up from various commentators. So now we travellers must understand that the beep doesn’t mean the money we expect has been taken. It probably means some money or some amount has been taken.
So now you’ve been told.
The current dip in the housing market is being written off as spring related. But in truth apart from the mortgage companies making it virtually impossible for young Londoners to get any money from them the prices continue to rise. HUH? How does this work exactly. Every month a new ghastly London tower block – sorry – designer apartment complex pops up with a fancy marketing brochure and is apparently snapped up. By who exactly? Well it’s more bad news I’m afraid. The rental sector is now easy pickings for rich non UK-based individuals and companies who are cash rich and able to negotiate block deals. They see rental as an easy way to hide and store their money. It’s a better bet than lousy interest rate banks and savings companies. And of course it just keeps rents artificially high and secondly shuts out local people from living and buying in their own areas. So when you look at a block where a few people have paid staggering sums for some concrete and glass designer shoe box the chances are that most of the block was already purchased at a knock down rate. Building companies like the deal as they often sell ‘off plan’ ie they draw up plans – sell the idea to rich foreign backers – and then use their money to actually build their latest blight on the landscape. No one builds houses anymore. Where’s the profit? Where’s the funding going to come from.
Hm.
On a cynical but weary London note I see that the citizens of Brixton are complaining of the rampant gentrification of their area. Locals are watching as their manor is slowly overpricing itself. And pushing them out. Of course the local Council love it. They get rid of the people in the once poorer troublesome areas and their folk. They can overpriced the Council Tax as houses and flats jump into higher tax bands. My favourite comment was from one guy who went into what used to be his local café and was offered bruschetta and olives! Poor sod was looking for egg and chips but now it was very ouef a la frites at £10.95 with hand brushed Brazilian honey rolls.
Right onto happy news of a sort. It’s coming up to a bumper year of London-based events. So Londoners can effectively play night and day for many months. The Queens Jubilee is the first of many events designed to promote Great Britain PLC (a minor division of the Qatari Investment Corporation) and thousands are supposedly flocking in to see the river pageant and take part in the street parties. Then comes the biggest corporate event of the decade. The Olympic Games (four tickets available to Londoners) will spin-off into endless Corporate junkets and promotions. I mean to say the food sponsor is McDonalds! Irony or what. Who’s in charge of customer relations Robert Mugabe? But it does mean London will see some incredible sights so we have to try to take a small crumb of comfort from that. I’m told the West End theatres are dreading the time – but I think locals will go to the theatre (if prices drop below those affordable only by having the income of an oil millionaire) So lots to look forward to.
And finally on trends. We’ve seen the Sushi restaurants, the tiny dogs and the tiny car invasion. But now we have the discount card and promotion explosion. London seems to be awash with ‘offers’. Every newspaper in town now has its own loyalty reward card – and the offers brigade are growing like wildfire from Groupon, Wowcher, Taste Card, Wedge Card (this one the only genuinely decent one) But it seems our capital is full of 50% or get one buy two type offers. I’d hate to run a small business in this new half price landscape. You have to join in or get left behind it seems. My local restaurants all participate in various schemes. So now locals go in and shamefacedly push their cards and coupons across the table. But times is hard and every penny counts. And do the people need to save? Yes they blooming do. So we all hunt for bargains wherever we can. And does it make us feel awkward. Yes it does. But do we care? No not really. It’s a London thing.