Tag Archives: Phil Ryan

Londoners Life 25 by Phil Ryan

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Well the snow didn’t hang around thank goodness. But it’ll probably blast back in March! Right now I’m trying to avoid the Mayoral election nonsense. It’s very simple really. All of them are pointless to a large degree. Ken and Boris are arguing about high tube fares who’ll put them down or up – the fact of the matter is that whatever they are far too high and the service is lousy and continues to be lousy. And the fringe candidates are basically invisible. The mad Green woman who looks like a bush was spouting off about punishing car drivers again to save the planet. The failed ex-cop was going on about more police. Er that’s about it. So we’ll get stuck with a fight between two fools who are all about self-promotion and self-advancement. I’ll never forgive Ken for many things but his most offensive crime was building that hideous City Hall building opposite the tower of London.

Desecration. They should lock him up in the Tower Of London and force him to watch Londoners blowing it up as he’s pelted with rotten fruit! And Boris’s ludicrous billion pound buses will arrive soon. Why don’t the pair of just set up a permanent photograph of themselves being laser beamed onto the clouds above London. We get it guys. You love yourselves and couldn’t care about Londoners. Under both of you everything went up, life got harder, travel got worse, more taxes appeared and ultimately you have bugger all power. Remember folks your vote is essentially worthless. Nothing ever gets better or cheaper. Remember that. They could make one of the Muppets Mayor at least it would be entertaining and cheaper.

Travel in London really is getting to be a soul destroying experience. This Friday I had the horrible experience of arriving back at Victoria by train at around 6.30pm. Trying to get to the underground across the station was like swimming in a tide of bodies. Angry depressed bodies who were rooted to the spot necessitating a weird ducking and diving route – it was like a giant desperate game of pacman. And when I finally got to the tube the platforms were pleasantly six deep. Apparently two other tube lines had gone down (the usual reasons – aliens at baker street – a wave of indifference at St Johns Wood – badgers with guns at Charing Cross) and now Victoria was reduced to holding back groups of commuters behind gates a completely common occurrence the miserable and clearly suicidal guard guy told me (I think they’d taken away his laces and belt before they stuck him on the platform with his little microphone). It certainly wasn’t for the faint hearted. London’s underground system seems to just swallow tons of public money now and I honestly can’t see much difference. It’s over-priced and over-crowded (I’m sure that will improve during the Olympics with the expected six million extra journeys they’ve predicted – oh joy)

Talking of our much anticipated London Olympics we now learn that this money sponge for the amusement and enrichment of corporate sponsors and construction companies is into another revelatory moment again. Turns out that the ticket fiasco continues with an American ticket printing company getting the contract to print the tickets instead of a British company, the second revelation that most of the merchandise and goods are produced in China by Chinese companies and just when they couldn’t break anymore promises and commitments we now find out that they’ve let an American company sell tickets to Americans that we Londoners can’t get hold of! I notice that we grabbed back Mr Fred Goodwin’s title what about Lord Coe. If the guy told me it was the morning I’d check with five other people plus look out the window. For a London event paid for in the main by Londoners the guy has simply lied to us time after time. Virtually everything he has promised Londoners hasn’t materialised. And don’t get me started on the LOCOG bunch. Slightly darker in the way they operate than the Syrian regime they have been quietly flogging off the buildings and land to foreign property developers and foreign corporations. The London Olympics? I don’t think so. It’s the International Greed Olympics with all the gold going out the country to everyone except Londoners and Great Britain. But it’s a done deal. Nothing can be done. That’s total corruption with complete government backing for you.

But to finish on a positive point I’ll return to my usual trend spotting game. It really is the new Korean revolution alongside the sushi invasion. Loads of places called Bim Bam Bong and Noodle Beng Bim Bom Bang (Okay I am making these up) seem to be popping up. Udon Noodles are now the order of the day. Just an FYI Udon noodles are those fat disgusting long ones with the consistency of rotting slugs and a similar discomforting sensation when swallowed ( not that I’ve swallowed rotting slugs but go with me on this one) They have also copied that clever Japanese canteen style of making you sit on a cold and cement hard plank like wooden bench. This of course causes people’s buttocks to go numb at the same time that their stomachs are being paralysed with tasteless horror food. All together more of a punishment than a dining experience. But hey it’s fashionable. And in London we like our variety. And when I asked some people I was jammed next to recently in a Korean restaurant what they thought of the food they all told me it was challenging! Very London. And despite the pointless mayoral elections and Olympic fiasco do any of us truly care. No. We just get on with our lives. Why? It’s a London thing.

Londoners Life 24 – by Phil Ryan

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Londoner’s Life 24 – By Phil Ryan
Abandon hope it’s snowing! I hope you all note that I your Frost London columnist predicted the snow! It arrived last night as I left a fantastic Thai restaurant on the Harrow Road (more of a café really as it’s the size of a large packet of cornflakes) But it’s called Boys Thai and its cheap and good. I got in the car to return home and all my fancy gizmos kicked in to stop me sliding all over the shop. But on my very slow and careful thirty minute journey home (usually fifteen) I passed three cars broken down and two crashes! Admittedly the wind was fierce and cold and the snow was falling steadily but wow. But it’s North London not Alaska. If the Iranians would switch from trying to make nuclear weapons to making snow we’d all be screwed! As I sit and write the airports across London are closed, the trains have virtually ground to a halt and only one or two tube lines are running a service. It’s barely three inches out there. I just measured it with a ruler.
And so my fortune tellers guide to the London media this week in sound bites (with the actual truth in italics).
Council spokesperson: “We had our gritters out immediately and found the snow fall outpaced our capacity. And of course our main priorities remain vital main roads as opposed to residential side streets” TRUTH “Sid and Kamil from the depot bumbled about a bit dropped a few tons of salt we had out the back in the remaining trucks we didn’t flog cheap five years back and went home. We haven’t got that much salt as it’s expensive and the lads don’t like going up side streets as they can’t drive at breakneck speed”
Airport spokesperson: “We would like to apologise to passengers for the ongoing disruption but we are attempting to maximise passenger safety” TRUTH “Listen cattle these planes ain’t cheap so we are not going to get any of them grubby or damaged just for you whiny lot. Plus what do you expect for £60?”
Government spokesperson: “The recent snowfall has been unprecedented however we have a good stock of road salt and are confident that our efforts to keep the roads and transport systems running will be successful” TRUTH “Suckers”
The Mayor “I would like to congratulate all my departments for their valiant efforts and my colleagues at TFL for keeping London moving” TRUTH “Every bloody year the same disaster er do you reckon the great unwashed will forget about it in the coming elections?”
So the cold weather will probably result in the usual paralysed city nonsense for a week or two and then we’ll forget about it and carry on like we do every year. My advice. Panic buy weird stuff to confuse the big 4 supermarkets. Don’t buy water and bread. Buy paper napkins and Peruvian Beaver tea.
And yes the London Mayoral elections are slowly unrolling. And of course it’s the usual two clowns. The Boris and Ken nonsense as usual. Not a decent candidate apart from that ex civil service woman Siobhan Benita who actually seems normal. But don’t quote me. You have Brian Paddick for the Lib Dems who seems to resemble Beaker from the Muppets more and more. His grand idea is to increase Police numbers in London until we all get our own constable apparently. Then for the Green Party that mad old bint Jenny Jones whose hair appears to expand year on year until she comes across as more of an animated shrubbery than a human. Her ideas include and I’m guessing here – free bicycles on the NHS – solar powered clothing and returning to living in caves to cut down on greenhouse gases. And in truth what do they all have in common? Taxation. Yes that’s about it. They all stand around dreaming up new ways to charge us for stuff that was once free and they promise us a glittering new future with wind powered triple decker buses made out of wicker and better schools etc etc. My local council Camden (or the Politburo as they are usually known) have been busily closing down most of the things we pay Council Tax for (begging the question what do I actually get for my money – answer – very little apart from an overbearing grim implacable bureaucracy) And now they’re handing over most of our libraries to small local consortia as they don’t want to pay for them anymore. And I like the idea in principle instead of them being closed and flogged to private vampiric property developers, although it’s great for Camden who can now waste even more of our money on digging up the streets on a monthly basis and voting themselves pay rises.
But local libraries could be the new community centres if the locals get it right. Cheap cafeterias, things for toddlers, the unemployed and the elderly. But how does it get paid for. Yes you’ve guessed it. We’ll have to pay for it. Not a lot mind I understand. A quid a go probably. Side effects local cafes won’t be delighted and nor will those who USED TO GET IT FOR FREE.
Ho hum. But finally back to the snow fall in London. I just watched the news and the truth is we’re doomed. Apart from the sounds of champagne corks popping in the British Gas offices I can hear nothing – just the sound of happy kids and damp parents from every park across town. But is it a problem? No buses no tubes no trains. Nah. Why? It’s a London thing.

 

 

Londoners Life 23 – by Phil Ryan

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Yes the cold snap is starting to hit London. Weather forecasts predict us being hit with snow flurries very soon. And we all know what London does when 2 centimetres of snow arrives! And just as we were coming to terms with the white death we then then got more scares over an oil depot going into receivership. Now we get stories about also being hit with petrol prices in London shooting up to £2.00 a litre and all of us freezing in our cars as we ran out of fuel in sub-zero temperatures on the M40. (Although I suspect they are just softening us up as they’ll get to that petrol price level within 6 months at this rate anyway regardless of oil depots closing – not including death on the M40) And for the first time ever I briefly toyed with the idea of one of those electric cars as I am noticing more of those blue charging posts as I whiz around town in my gas guzzler. But to be honest when all is said and done they are just old fashioned milk floats with a bit more comfort and zero style. I mean have you seen those G-whiz things. Is it me but does everyone who drives them look huge and somehow ghoulish – little eyes screwed in concentration as they avoid trying to hit a pigeon or a crisp packet which would probably spell instant death for them and anyone stupid enough to be their passenger. They look like damaged egg cartons with comedy tiny wheels where a human has been forced inside like some novelty act from Cirque du Soleil. And you can feel the smug waves coming off them from a hundred feet away. Look at me I’m saving the planet. But to balance it out they all look very weird and devoid of cool and have the tensile strength of a bowl of porridge. And yes I know the new Renault ones look a lot more cool – but still drive a Renault? However London of course is now leading the way with more and more electric vehicles now being put onto our streets to silently mow down children, the elderly and the slow moving. Many London Councils are rolling them out as Council vans and maintenance cars. Quiet death from your local service provider. Perhaps they’re thinning out the vulnerable in a bizarre cost cutting drive nothing would surprise me where local Councils are concerned. (I think Westminster have introduced recently culling of the poor haven’t they?) But the march of the electric car moves forwards. Green yes but you can’t hear them coming!!!! If I had my way I’d fit them all with a loud clockwork toy noise. That’d brighten up your day wouldn’t it?
One observation I’ll make is about the various foreign embassies we have across London. Some of them are in the weirdest of places. For instance Tonga’s embassy is in a residential street off the Hendon Way – how very glamorous. But others have very swish addresses in Knightsbridge and the West End. But my main thought is the amount of protests outside half of them. Concerned citizens of each country seem to now gather on a weekly basis to shout at those inside. I’m not sure the rulers of the various countries are paying much interest and my guess is they’re not actually in the building. The Ambassadors are probably somewhere else too – you know getting piles of Ferrero Roche at some fancy black tie function. So in effect the protesters are shouting at a bunch of secretaries and cleaners. But I realise they have to show these repressive governments that in London at least free speech is fine and dandy. Good luck I say. Although I do get a bit miffed when the protestors attack the poor police folk who turn up trying to keep the peace. I’m not sure it’s sending a signal to Syria to stop killing their own people by punching Constable Smith sharply on the nose. But when they protest here we’ll protect them which of course is right and proper. But then sometimes they shout about the fact that we in Britain shouldn’t let their bad governments stay in power while often shouting anti-western slogans. All very confusing I fear.
Now a new bugbear with me in 2012 is London Theatre ticket prices. They seem to be heading skywards and I’m not sure it’s healthy for good theatre. I realise that with rising rents and costs these shows are costly but come on. Half the theatres are up to £85 for a seat you can actually see the stage from and don’t even get me started on the cost of drinks and snacks. Just like cinemas and service stations it seems that theatres are now operating an ‘alternative universe’ policy. Whereby the costs of normal things are inflated to such an extent that people hand over the cash whilst still in a state of shock. On what world is a bag of Maltesers £5.00 and a glass of wine £9.50! I’d take all the impresarios knighthoods back just like they did to Mr Fred Goodwin. So Mr Macintosh and Mr Lloyd Weber tell me when is it reasonable to pay £5.00 for two mouthfuls of ice cream and £10.00 for a programme? A paperback novel costs less and has had a damn sight more creative energy poured into it. If you honestly want kids and anyone on a low income to embrace the theatre stop being so damn greedy. I originally thought that Wicked and Les Miserables were show titles not descriptions of how the pricing policy works and makes the audience feel.
Finally more rip off nonsense from The Olympic legacy Company. It seems that us Londoners have paid £93 billion pounds to give away land, housing and stadiums to a host of private companies who will charge us through the nose to either visit or use facilities we’ve already paid for! I think every scrap of Olympic housing stock should be turned over to Social Housing – after all it was paid for by the public. And the stadiums should be free to Londoners who paid for them whether they wanted to or not. And look out for the ridiculous concept of Stratford International Station whose train station doesn’t even connect to Europe directly! Instead you have to slope off back to St Pancras. Shouldn’t they just re-name it Stratford Local or something? But when you ask the locals they just shrug and smile about the whole fiasco. Do they care? No. It’s a London thing.

 

Londoner's LIfe 21 – By Phil Ryan

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The big sleep is over and now we begin to take stock of the year ahead. And for Londoners the hardest thing to come to immediate terms with are the usual high price rises on the tubes, trains and buses. It now being cheaper to travel in London by car! Honestly I worked it out. 2 people in a car popping across to say Camberwell (not of course via the congestion charge zone that’s only for the super-rich and white van drivers). Not very green I’ll grant you but very nice. Comfortable and clean. You get to listen to your own music and not the tinny wasp farting noises from the headphones of the JB sports clad gimp in the hoodie glaring at his iphone from a seat saying for pregnant ladies and the elderly. In an average sized car you shouldn’t use more than a fivers worth of fuel per trip. Cheaper than two Oyster card worth of trips. Of course there are a few drawbacks to this concept. Thanks to Camden and Westminster Councils whose Chief Executive Officers are more like Afghan warlords than public servants nowadays you can’t stop easily. Not without facing the ludicrous parking charges and restrictions they so delight in inflicting on us AFTER public consultations. Where are these public consultations? We had one in Camden once about the greatest con trick of all – the dreaded Residents Permits (or a tax to use your own street every year). The Council sent out a questionnaire using hysterically loaded questions. DO YOU WANT STRANGERS FILLING YOUR STREETS AND RAPING YOUR FAMILY? Tick A or B. You know the sort of lies they use. A bit like the new green re-cycling madness. I now have SIX bins. I’m not making this up. Everyday some trucks trundle up and down my street taking away stuff. It’s getting very specific. I saw a bin by a bus stop that said only suitable for 18th century manuscript paper with a picture of Jane Austen on it for the hard of hearing.

But in an Olympic year my favourite new London game is spotting the very tenuous Olympic links everyone is using to push prices up. Of course top of the charts are those soulless parasites the London estate agents. Every borough I’ve been in recently apparently is perfect to access the Olympic stadium from according to estate agents boards and ads. Including far flung spots like Barnet, Roehampton and Ilford presumably viewing the Olympic Park by radio telescope. Of course there are those local areas directly around the stadiums who are also twinned with Helmand Province in the safety stakes which they handily fail to point out! I’ve also realised the prices going up now will presumably not fall afterwards despite the fools and suckers buying an overpriced flat to see a waste of money that only lasts a month. That’s property in London I guess. But many new terrorized folk will at least be able to shuffle around the Stratford Westfield shopping centre or take in the empty velodrome. The great legacy is getting vaguer. But the areas are certainly being built up. Mainly ‘so called ‘luxury’ apartments with names like The Point, The Wave and The Shoe Box (I made the last one up) But take a wander around Canning Town station to see the ghastly rabbit hutches being thrown up left right and centre. With ceiling heights too low for the average hobbit and walls thinner than a cream cracker these ‘architect designed’ monstrosities will presumably fill up quicker than Cheryl Cole at her next sacking. And bizarrely they all have tiny balconies allowing them to see other people on their tiny balconies. Just a sample of the new examples of the wonderful ‘design’ we can expect over the coming property developers feeding frenzy Olympic year.

And on the subject of London’s ever changing design I have to say the new layouts around Exhibition Road in South Kensington are just very surreal. Apparently it’s all based on a Dutch concept of ‘space sharing’. In plain speak it means ripping up the pavement, covering the surfaces of the roads and streets with curious red and white flat cobblestones and then letting pedestrians ‘share’ the road space with cars. It’s akin to the way that South Africans ‘share’ the coast line with Great White Sharks. I was having tea in Le Pain Quotidien amusing myself by watching baffled tourists soiling themselves as various Buses and cars apparently mounted the side streets they were walking along and chased them. Window shopping suddenly stopped being ‘charming’ instead becoming a kind of game of chicken. It’s a very nice concept. A bit like socialism. But in practice it turns a quiet stroll into a dice with death. Very exhilarating I’m sure but not great for the terminally nervous. And as for the locals do they like it. No not really I was told. But did they care? No not really. It’s a London thing.

Londoner's LIfe 20 – By Phil Ryan

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Ah the London January sales! This year they have an added importance in that according to figures they may be the last big spend before austerity 2012 is completely with us all and we have to start rooting through bins courtesy of George Osborne and his millionaire pals. However getting Londoners to give up conspicuous shopping is akin to getting fish to give up water so don’t hold your breath on the collapse of the high streets just yet. So after re-adjusting to the fact that the great vague days were finally over and I could leave the twilight zone days of Christmas behind me I headed into Town. My local Council have opted for the most pathetic decorations this year – basically about ten bare bulbs and some decaying green glitter from last year blu tacked to it – giving the entire high street the appearance of a walk in STD clinic with slightly less cheer. As usual for the holiday period I had lost track of which day it actually was – constantly checking my blackberry for re-assurance. Not that which day it was mattered technically. Everything shuts or opens incomprehensibly in London at this festive time especially our superb Transport network (this year I think they were trying a ‘use your legs replacement service’ approach). The surprise strikes from the unions seem eminently reasonable as they always are at this time EVERY SINGLE year without fail. Struggling by on a £40,000 plus salary with free travel must be a drag. And I do see that working on a day you don’t fancy is a bit of a pain. But didn’t they sign up for it when they started or are their working days a pick and mix job for them? Sweet huh? Usually I support unions but this lot are now officially beyond a greedy joke. Not I might add that I have any warm feelings to the bozos that allegedly run TFL (including I might add a lot of them on hundreds of thousands of pounds to run a lousy and uncoordinated service) That all said after just twenty three handy and in no way inconvenient changes by way of Cardiff I found myself at Bond Street tube.

A friend had invited me to meet for tea and somehow just to kill some time I found myself wandering through some shops on my way there. In a sale! Oh my god. House of Fraser looked like a scene from a Bosch painting. Grim faced loons squashed together like battery chickens rummaging through masses of ugly jumpers and shirts that are only in fashion during a total eclipse. Lines of ever grimly smiling staff carefully re-folding everything a matter of minutes later. The only thing missing were bare buttocked devils gouting fire from their eyes although I think I saw a few queuing up at the Calvin Klein concession. Still in shock I made the terrible decision to pop into HMV in Oxford Street where the staff had dropped all pretence at being anything but hacked off. Two wardrobes in shirts saying security kept bellowing “Don’t block the aisles it’s a safety hazard MOVE PLEASE MOVE it’s all about SAFETY” and glaringly waving their walkie talkies around like surrogate light sabres. The counters were manned by gimlet eyed dudes who at least seemed quite chilled when they took your money although they did all have a glassy rohipnol look about them. I suspect they’d been given something. But my favourites were the harassed looking shelf re-stockers. No sooner had they ripped open a box of whatever the manic punters gathered behind them were after they would hiss loudly “Please wait until we have put them onto the shelves” presumably muttering the words “you ravenous mindless scum” under their breath judging by their pained expressions. I saw a crowd six deep virtually slobbering as for some odd reason they waited patiently behind a makeshift nylon tape barrier as some Harry Potter boxed sets of DVD’s appeared. There was a surge for goodness sake. A surge. Some grinning HMV manager kept shouting only a few left. Which quite frankly just fanned the flames. But it clearly gave him a thrill. One punter was actually holding a wand and he looked to be about thirty four.

Making my escape I finally ended up in Selfridges which I think now holds the outright London award for amazingly surreal prices and stock next to Harrods. I looked at a tie which had been slashed from £300 to just £200. And then I ran my fingers over some shirts which would’ve made Stevie Wonder gag. Honestly, bright just doesn’t come close to describing their lime electric silk and leather splendour. But just who is wearing this mad stuff and where? Especially the latest in sartorial elegance the Swarofski crystal encrusted training shoes a snip at £700.00 a pair. They finally broke my wafer thin desire to stay and fight through hordes of slow moving crowds all in thrall to the great shop. Trying to make my way down the street was like taking part in some alternate universe flash mob comedy penguin shuffle. So I left. By taxi. Heading for Patisserie Valerie and some sanity. And as per usual I noted that everything I eventually bought wasn’t in the sale. Ho hum. But do Londoner’s feel the sales are a rip off. Probably. Would Londoners like all the visitors to the sales to naff off? Definitely. But do they worry themselves about such issues? No. It’s a London thing.

Londoners Life 19 – By Phil Ryan

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Londoners Life 19 – By Phil Ryan

Well a big hello after my absence. Had to finish off two novels and some other projects. But I’m back in time for my New Year review. London has had a busy old time in many ways. We’ve watched the giant money hole of the Olympics steal more and more of our money, we’ve had a bit of rioting, a bit of demonstrating and a bit of a recession. And how’s it left us Londoners? Well certainly the gap between rich and poor continues apace – some areas in London now resembling scenes from the aftermath of an apocalyptic plague movie whilst other tangibly smell of cash and cashmere. This gap can also be measured in ever sky rocketing house prices. Whilst everyday living costs creep ever higher. So for my review of 2011 here’s a quick list of a few London change indicators.
• Starters in restaurants now seem to cost as much as a main course
• More restaurants have replaced their chairs with those highly comfortable solid wooden thin benches from a Victorian prison
• A trip to the cinema for two is coming in at close to £25.00 and popcorn has broken the £5.00 ceiling
• There’s a new demonstration every day in Town not to mention various permanent demonstrations at tourist sights
• The Oyster card now only offers minor convenience in getting in and out of stations but cleverly hides the ever spiraling travel costs (until you have to top up)
• Parking in London is now only affordable by the wealthy or the desperate
• London Councils have finally abandoned all pretense of caring about their residents.
• Shops have sales every other week
• Sushi restaurants are taking over
So goodbye to 2011 with your momentous world events that touched London but didn’t fundamentally alter it in any way. For keen power player watchers we’ve had scandals and phone hacking saga’s that apart from the closure of the News of the World don’t seem to have changed the main players. Our Bankers carry on as normal apart from those lower down the food chain losing their jobs. So from a Londoners perspective what’s 2012 going to be like? Well it’s going to be more expensive across the board from transport to accommodation. The Olympic gravy train will roll in and out inconveniencing us all (of course TFL will run a fantastic tube service with an extra 6 million people on board) And there’ll probably be another uplifting parade to celebrate the royal baby that will undoubtedly appear in time for the Queens Jubilee celebrations. Closer to home still Hammersmith Bridge will be finally replaced by Lego as that seems more robust than the one they spent millions of our taxes on ‘repairing’. The Mayoral election will shock us all when a surprise last minute candidate bags the top job. Said candidate being that bloke off my big fat gypsy wedding. And London Councils will begin plans to cull the poor.

Looking back I’m left with some of my favourite moments from what I can only describe as ‘spokespeople’. TV and Radio reporters grabbing that all important human interest moment out on the street. So from ‘Rioters in Tottenham’ we had (from young guy number 1 with a hoodie and face mask carrying a large plasma TV) “It’s all about Iraq” (from young man number 2 with a hoodie and face mask number) “It’s about anger. We’re angry about being angry”. From a ‘St Pauls Cathedral Camp protester’ (who looked slightly the worse for wear) “I came to support these people and whatever it is they’re protesting about – it’s brilliant whatever it is and they gave me a tent a spliff and some soup I mean how great is that?” From a Christmas shoppers laden with about ten bags “Yes we’re cutting right back this year” and from some religious loon with a beard “Threatening death for us is an argument it’s not unreasonable”. So Happy 2012 to us all and whether its Ken or Boris as Mayor, whether we win gold medals or flog the Olympic venues for a tenner to a friend of Lord Coe’s as Londoner’s we just won’t care – It’s a London thing.

Londoner's Life 18 – by Phil Ryan

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Londoners Life 18 – by Phil Ryan

Well it’s obvious what this column has to be about. And that’s the fact that the cycle lanes to the Olympics don’t actually go all the way to Stratford! No they just stop a few miles short. It’s a scandal. On another matter London is on fire I notice and full of charming young guys in scarves and masks nicking everything they can get their scummy little hands on when they’re not torching shops and people’s homes. Meanwhile the London Metropolitan Police who don’t actually have anyone in charge at the top currently have adopted a clever brand new approach called just watching it all – in case they upset the local kids. The same charming local kids or ‘feral gangs’ as they are better known who are currently re-enacting Grand Theft Auto on the streets of various London boroughs. Presumably later to play said game on their new stolen consoles only to find it’s not quite the same. I have a plan however. Nuns. Huge armies of them. It’s very difficult to be rude or violent towards a nun. I haven’t tried but I feel it innately. We should train up Nun riot squads.

On a completely unrelated matter it is Tourist surge time as the capital fills up with evermore eager visitors. They’ll certainly have some interesting typical tourist images to take home this visit. Burning Red buses, friendly bobbies in Riot Gear screaming, Scenes of fantastic free shopping opportunities (if you’re fast enough and handy with a torn up pole) and of course happy young London children hurling petrol bombs and bricks. But London is no stranger to the odd riot although we should be clear what’s happening now is just a bunch of criminals nicking things. I have heard the various pundits and usual suspects trotting out their theories on social deprivation. But it’s certainly a strange way to attack Government policy by hoisting a 50 plasma television out of a burning Dixons! And almost inevitably I see the usual London politicos and right on mouthpieces out blaming everything but the yoof. No it’s deprivation and police brutality that makes you nearly murder strangers, terrorize the elderly and steal phones, laptops and training shoes apparently. Who’d have guessed?

It is disturbing however to finally realise just how many gangs there are now and how organised they are. They have Facebook pages, tweets and text alerts. Very London. Very fashionable. Very depressing. But we’ll get over it. 60 years ago they bombed the place and that got sorted out. And my favourite political expression now “Lessons must be learned” will dominate every powerful mouth in London for the next few months. Of course the other expression intimating that London tax payers will have to “unfortunately pick up the tab” will be said but very very quietly.

So I’ve been out and about doing my best to avoid the main thoroughfares as I always do in the tourist season but I did stop in St Christopher’s Place for tea and a crepe a few nights back which cost slightly more than having my buttocks dusted with Platinum and of course the obligatory ‘Gypsy’ band turned up to serenade us. But they were actually really good and I tossed a quid into their tambourine. But it was a real London scene I felt. A crowded sea of tables, a huge mix of people from everywhere and a fat Romanian bloke yelling ‘That’s Amore’ at the top of his lungs whilst leering at two young buxom drunken Australian girls dressed for a hen party in pink cowboy hats. Hm! Is this the land that produced Shakespeare? But aside from that it’s very much eat outside time in town right now. Try getting a seat by the River on any of the terraces along the Thames or Canals however. Booking in advance helps I’m told. February usually which is a bit of a blow. But there is some great food out there and add the sunshine and it is a pleasure to be in London right now if you know where to go. I would make lots of recommendations but then everyone else would go there and my little havens would be ruined. However in the Frost spirit I’ll give you one – just one mind – Check out the Mango Mousse (it’s a dessert) in a place called Siam Central in Charlottes Street off Tottenham Court Road. Thai food – fresh as you can imagine – tiny restaurant – food to savour! Oh yes and avoid Wednesdays that’s when I go. So what will happen next after the ‘riots’? Lessons will be learned ahem. A few dumb crooks will go to young offender institutions. Ebay will be flooded with cheap electrical goods and phones. But in truth absolutely nothing radical or clever will happen. So does anybody round here believe it will change the city and the way it operates. No. It’s a London thing.

Londoners Life 16 – by Phil Ryan

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I’m sorry but I have to say it. The Olympics are coming to London. And just as an example of how great it’s going to be, I thought I’d tell you my experiences with the ticketing system. Briefly, here’s an overview of how it works. Initially you had to apply for a password and set up an account. Then you found you could only buy London Olympic tickets with a Visa card. Then you found you could only actually ‘bid’ for tickets. Not buy them. Huh? This meant that you had to effectively gamble just like buying a lottery ticket – and try and buy (gamble) thousands of pounds of Olympic tickets to get any chance of getting any.

BUT then you didn’t know exactly what tickets to what events you would be sent (if any), you didn’t exactly when or where you’d be going (if you went at all) and then finally the prices jumped from £20 to £400 in the blink of an eye. So effectively, you could ‘bid’ for £3000 worth of tickets only to find, instead of seats at the Opening ceremony or the 100m final, you’d actually ‘won’ two £95 tickets to the pigeon scaring finals in Kidbrooke!

With me so far?

But then as you entered this baffling surreal world of not knowing what, how much you were paying or where you were going – the website continuously blocked you doing anything at all! Half the time, nothing was available apart from the 100m Female Drag Queen Arguments bronze medal qualifiers from Putney. It seemed all the main events in the Olympic stadium were suddenly mysteriously all unavailable. Apart from if you chose to buy tickets in Germany, for example, where you could buy any tickets you wanted!!!

Naturally I didn’t get offered any tickets. I’m not German.

BUT then came the second gambling round for the ‘unlucky’ ones. So with a sense of foreboding, I entered the site to find even less choice of events at £300 ticket, all nowhere near the Olympic Park. Examples: Olympic FOOTBALL? Olympic TENNIS? What’s that all about? So I gave up. What’s the point? It’s simply a fat cat corporate junket we Londoners are sadly paying for.

To recap – I’m a Londoner so some of my taxes (yes, Londoners are the only people paying Olympic tax) go towards the games and my chances of going are clearly zero. Only London could create such a ticketing system. I’ve decided to not be in London those two weeks. There is no point. Ho hum.

Wimbledon is here. And so unsurprisingly is the rain. But this year they’ve got that roof from Thunderbirds so they’ll be able to presumably play on. However, I noticed they hadn’t used it much – preferring instead to have TV coverage full of Sue Barker talking endlessly to various elderly tennis stars of yesteryear. Weird.

And I love the Londoners’ attitude to Wimbledon. I heard radio coverage of the public’s thoughts. Was it excitement at the thought of days of stunning world-class tennis? No. Mainly the thought of more traffic congestion and less places to park. Apparently, the traffic wardens outnumber the strawberries this year.

We Londoners are hardy folk though. In the face of adversity we just carry on. And yesterday, I saw the brilliant sight of a crowd of tube passengers exiting Baker Street into the pouring rain all lifting their Metro newspapers above their heads at the same time. It looked like a modern dance company. You could have set it to music. Of course it didn’t work, but it was great to see them all copy each other in the who can make the ‘most papiere mache first’ game! Best of all, however, right next to the exit, there was a little smiling Indian bloke flogging umbrellas from a bicycle. He was yelling: “Umbrellas, umbrellas, best in town’. What a star! He’ll probably end up being Mayor. He’s got my vote.

Talking of our glorious Mayor for London, I see the campaigns are now seriously starting. Ken is back and so are the other usual pointless candidates. Most of them so bland that when they stand in front of a beige wall they simply disappear. I saw a Liberal Democrat being interviewed and even the interviewer lost interest. She kept glancing past him – clearly hoping a tourist or a drunk would interrupt.

For those of you unclear about things – the London Mayor and his office are yet another level of bureaucracy we pay through the nose for. They spend much of their time meeting about things that don’t ever happen. And when they do make things happen, we just get a bigger bill. A classic case are the fantastic BLUE cycle highways. Millions of pounds of blue lanes painted onto the road. Very safe for cyclists. Clearly cars can’t cross the blue paint – oops yes they can. Doh! But we do provide employment for Boris and his hangers-on currently, up until he tries to take over the Conservative Party. But right now he’s doing his best to mess about with London. And when he’s not screwing things up we have our local councils.

My favourite current example of London madness at official level is a fantastic new idea for local high streets. London councils are creating pop-up shops to give the illusion that our high streets aren’t dying – although of course they are. These pop up shops are usually local artists flogging their work, which I admit is nice, but on the other hand, after a long day, few Londoners go home thinking’ if only I can get a graphic representation of the Queen as a chimpanzee playing the banjo locally’.

The other madder idea is to put plastic coverings on the empty shop fronts. In other words, either stick ugly advertising for Mcdonald’s or some other corporate monster that destroys high streets (no sense of irony these councillors) or in some cases, pretend shops. Yes really. Pretend shops! They look like a flower shop or a grocery shop, but they’re not real! It’s great to watch bemused locals trying to walk in. Bang. They bounce off the locked door and then realise it’s just a big graphic poster with a 3D effect. Seriously, they are out there! You couldn’t make it up really. But it is the London way. We are innovators.

But seriously. Do we care about being ripped off over the Olympics? Is the Mayor going to make the slightest bit of difference to anything? And will it stop us enjoying the summer? No. It’s just a London thing.