Men Are More Decisive Than Women

genderdifferencesMen are more decisive than women, it emerged yesterday. The women at Frost weren’t so sure about this study, until we realised that it just means we take more time over our decisions. Not necessarily a bad thing.

A study of 2,000 people into the nature of decision making and the thought processes behind them found men are twice as likely to make a decision ‘straight away’ than women.

The research asked men and women to evaluate their decisions in life and found women are much more likely to consider the opinions of friends and take time on their choices while men adopt a more immediate process.

A quarter of women said their approach was often to spend a long time mulling over the details of a decision before making it – but less than a fifth of men take the same approach.

The study also found that even though women take longer to reach their decisions overall, they are more likely to regret the choice they made further down the line.

Women are also twice as likely to consult their partner and get their opinion before making a decision as were men, results showed.

The research, which was commissioned by indoor swimming pool builders Origin Leisure, found the head really does rule the heart with Brits more than four times more likely to make a decision with their head than go on what the heart says.

When a choice does require a bit of soul-searching, women are more likely to do something ‘from the heart’ than are blokes results found.

Psychologist Cliff Arnall said: ‘’There are stark differences between how men and women make decisions. Women’s significant reliance on others plus a reluctance to make a wrong decision points to a measurable lack of confidence compared to men.”

‘’Weighing up different outcomes and scenarios may seem like a good strategy but it appears to be accompanied by increasing levels of stress and uncertainty. Going round in circles soon becomes counterproductive and leads to decision paralysis and feelings of frustration.”

The study also found a quarter of Brits find it easier to make really big decisions than they do smaller ones – trusting their gut for ‘life-changing’ choices like whether or not to buy a house or propose to a partner, but then agonising over things like buying jeans or new shoes.

Cliff Arnall adds: “Heart and gut feelings operate at a much faster and more primitive level than regular thought processes. The heart is based on emotion, the gut on survival. Gut feelings shouldn’t be dismissed as rash – 95% of the human body’s feel-good neurotransmitter serotonin is produced by the gut.”

Women are more likely than men to change their minds overall- showing more indecision when it comes to buying shoes or jeans or whether or not to book a holiday.

They also take longer to make up their minds on work matters like whether or not to hand notice in and move job and suffer the most back and forth on decisions around changing the look of the house or re-decorating.

However, men showed more indecision than the fairer sex when it came to putting an offer in for a house, talking to someone they find attractive or deciding whether or not to ask a partner to move in.

When thinking about the big decisions made in their lives so far- women were more likely to cite starting a family as the biggest they’d made, while men chose the financial commitment of choosing to buy a property.

Interestingly, women were more likely than men to feel they get the smaller decisions wrong in life while men are the gender most likely to feel they get big decisions wrong overall.

In fact, seven in ten are prone to making bad decisions and more than half the 2,000 men and women studied felt they are indecisive.

But certain decisions come fast- one in five people in relationships knew they wanted to be with their partner within minutes of meeting.

Men know sooner after meeting someone if they want to be in a relationship with that person – 41 per cent make up their minds on the same day compared to less than a third of women.

And a third of homeowners knew their current property was for them almost instantly upon viewing it.

But other property decisions don’t come so fast, results showed the number of potential upgrades to the home currently being considered by the average homeowner with a new kitchen or bathroom top of the list.

While redesigning the garden, getting a conservatory and even adding a Jacuzzi, hot tub or swimming pool are currently being mulled over by many.

 

Psychologist Cliff Arnall offers some remedies for indecision:

1. Adopt an attitude of boldness. If you’re not feeling it then pretend!

2. Get all the information you reasonably can. Acknowledging that 90% or 100% is rarely possible aim to gather 80% of the information you need to make your decision.

3. Write down the pros and cons of making the decision. Don’t hold back – being brutally truthful and open at this stage can save much stress later on.

4. Write down the very worst thing that can happen, e.g. lose all your savings, become homeless, be thought of as a failure by your community.

5. Talk separately to your three closest friends and get a dispassionate opinion from them but you’ll need to give them permission to tell you what they really think!

6. Are your head, heart and gut aligned? If not sleep on it for a day or two.

7. Set yourself a date and a time at which point you will decide either way. Suggestion is between 5 and 10 days, e.g. by the 17th July at noon I will make my decision with conviction come what may.

 

 

The 12 Pitfalls of Christmas And How To Avoid Them

vivienne_imgWhen a relationship is already struggling , Christmas can intensify that struggle. Instead of being a happy celebratory time, Christmas completely drains the joy. If you are already feeling a little under the strain and under supported, this article is for you.

The 12 pitfalls of Christmas and how to avoid them

 1 Too High An Expectation

We all have the wish for the perfect, romantic moment with the perfect gift when all our Christmas fantasies come true. There is an enormous sense of expectation on the big day and a lot of people aiming for perfection. This quest for perfection and the best Christmas ever can drain us and render both our Christmas and our partner’s efforts a disappointment. We all deserve to be happy and sometimes happiness is best reached when we stop the pressure. High expectations usually only lead to …..

2 Disappointment

The disappointment can be crushing because it feels so symbolic, as though if we are unhappy even at Christmas then we must be fundamentally miserable together. We can feel that “we” as a couple don’t want the same things in life just because “we” don’t want the same things at Christmas.

Perhaps we need to compromise our expectations, agree on how we will spend our time and efforts. “Good enough” can be very happy indeed. Decide to do something lovely for each other, so you both experience your special moment, so that potential disappointments can be curbed this Christmas.

 3 Negative Mindset

If we feel we’ve over-compromised or that we’re taken for granted before we start, then we enter into any conversation with a negative attitude which sets us up to have an argument or to fail in general.

If we look for the negatives and only notice events or things that are less than perfect this can lead to……

4 Over reaction

We all have the ability to massively over react. If we are tense to begin with, then the seemingly small stuff can push us over the edge from calm and composed to tantrum and distress. The number of people that argue over the practicalities of Christmas is probably close to 100%.

One particularly stressful practicality is packing the car. Let’s face it, this is basically an argument in a boot!  Mindset is key when it comes to the arduous errands around Christmas. If you find yourself thinking “what a nightmare all this stuff is” and “no way is it all going to fit into the car” …. Think about this before the day of travel and also turn that around to think “how great that we can give so many presents” and “This is going to be so much fun”.

After all, why spend all this time and energy and money buying the presents if you’re going to complain about packing them and the subsequent journey?

Some people have better spatial awareness than others …. be honest with yourself … how good are you at filling every crevice efficiently?  If the other person insists on doing it, let them get stuck before you wade in with your suggestions.

 5 Who’s rule is it anyway?

Christmas can seem as though it comes with an invisible but very real rule book. This rule book to be based on absolutes about the fundamental questions such as, ‘Who to spend Christmas Day with?’   Often families feel they must spend Christmas together.  Christmas Day seems to be symbolic of family and therefore if you don’t spend it with your family, you feel judged that you aren’t behaving in an accepted way. These emotionally laden rules lead to …..

6 Stress in various relationships

Many couples argue over whose parents’ turn it is to visit, and whose tradition to follow.  It may seem uncharitable and selfish to spend time with people whose company you actually enjoy.
Just because you’ve spent it with one set of people for the past 5 years, doesn’t mean you would be insulting anyone to have a change.  Handling that situation need not be as difficult as you may fear it is.

Family dynamics go into over drive. Various family members can battle over status and following certain traditions can equate to personal victories or be perceived as slights. Siblings can start to regress into squabbles befitting adolescence not middle age!

Everything can feel as though there is a hidden agenda and negative communication; even gift giving can be perceived as point scoring.  Christmas day can be reduced into a competitive battle ground with everyone trying to assert their status, for example, who’s in charge, who carves, whose pudding is better, who wouldn’t have bought the pudding but made it from scratch, whose present is more expensive, better thought out?  Competitiveness creeps in to cause many underlying feelings of guilt and undermining. Christmas is reduced to a series of unpleasant negotiations.

Focusing on how you and your partner really want to spend Christmas in a fashion that will make you truly happy is the key to sidestepping the unpleasantness. Thinking about happiness as the goal of the day and not point proving or following arduous tradition keeps you on the right track.

7  Quest for perfection

Women can often feel that how well they “do” Christmas is symbolic of how much they love and how good a wife and homemaker they are.  Women can end up putting so much pressure on themselves to get it all perfect that they set themselves up to fail, because they become stressed and grumpy therefore less fun to be around. This stress can lead to ….

8  Feeling Overwhelmed

FUN is the point of Christmas for most of us.  So, if the process of preparation drains the joy of the day, then your priorities are misconstrued however well intentioned.

Children and even partners only notice the stress – they don’t know the difference between good enough and perfection. So halve your “to do” list and go without some of the food and events but do what you are doing with a smile and you will enjoy it to and so will they!

9  Feeling Lonely  

Generally, husbands/male partners tend to care and plan somewhat less and the other partner feels “slighted”  or dismissed … that what they want to talk about is irrelevant … and this feeling of being ignored leads to ….

10  A sense of isolation

We can all feel lonely in a crowded room and never more so than at Christmas. This sense of isolation and being on your own with everything can cause stress. You can feel as though you need to take responsibility for Christmas and the emotional wellbeing of everyone and this becomes overwhelming.

Christmas and its scripts can put emotions and relationships into intense mode …. you’re supposed to feel joy and it can work to the contrary by making you feel more lonely, less connected, less valued, more miserable.

Communication is key to avoiding this pitfall. Talk to your partner about what you need to. However, you also need to talk to yourself. Strategize your efforts so that they will pay off and not completely frazzle you. If you don’t get the help you need, do less. Be fair on yourself too so that you don’t feel alone with it all this Christmas.

11  Working too hard

One partner feels taken for granted.  One partner isn’t pulling the same weight in effort as the other.  It feels symbolic that “if my partner doesn’t care as much about Xmas as I do, that means he/she doesn’t love me”. This sense of disproportion within the relationship can lead to….

12  Arguments and Disappointment

Overall, there are high expectations and the whole feeling of pressure to make this the “absolutely perfect family day” … and then add some alcohol to that and emotions quickly rise to the surface causing tension.

So logistic planning is helpful eg who’s going to contribute foodwise/drinkswise/presents …. all of this needs careful discussion beforehand.

Financially, parents tend to spend lots of money on their kids and then that sometimes leaves less for your partner’s present eg combining a Christmas present with a birthday present … it becomes a financial transaction rather than a giving or romantic one.  This is not a positive attitude to present-giving unless fully agreed with the receiver.

It is a very extended time together from eg 10 am – 9pm or even longer when visiting relatives far away which means an overnight stay is included.  So if it’s someone you don’t see regularly because you don’t want to, that too brings huge pressure of interaction to spend 36-48 hours with those people.

If you feel your relationship is coming to an end, then buying presents for the maybe “last Xmas” feels like a death looming.
How to step over these pitfalls

Whatever you decide, make that a positive decision.  Go into the situation with a positive mindset …. set it up to succeed.

Think about it – any time you meet a person who is complaining, down on themselves, or generally miserable, then your heart sinks and you don’t feel so good.

When you are greeted by someone who is smiling, open and interested, you feel their energy and the joy begins.
Prepare as best you can regarding travel logistics, presents without going into huge debt and agreeing who makes the gravy.  Have all the necessary conversations so that everyone’s expectations are met.

If there are still some issues, this is where you have to decide whether you are going to spend time with these people or not.  And if you decide that you are going to be with them, then this is when you decide how you are going to feel and behave.  If you go in with a smile on your face, you will feel happier and your experience will be happier.

We can all survive and even enjoy Christmas 2013!

Mindset is the key to a happy and fun Christmas Day.

Wishing you a happy Christmas Day.

From: Vivienne Goldstein (Relationship Coach) and
Dr Lucy Atcheson (Psychologist)

We hope this article is helpful. If you would like some bespoke therapeutic support for your relationship at one of our workshops supporting women to enhance their relationships please contact us at

Lucy@counsellingpsychologistlondon.com or Viv@viviennegoldstein.com

Emotional Support Through Breast Cancer: The Alternative Handbook. Dr Cordelia Galgut

Emotional Support through breast cancerAlthough I have been lucky to never have cancer myself, I have seen firsthand how devastating it can be. Those who get diagnosed can also feel isolated and need emotional support. Knowing about the experience of others definitely helps and that is where Emotional Support Through Breast Cancer shines; it is written not only by a psychologist, but one who is a breast cancer survivor. It is also concise and easy-to-read.

This is a compassionate guide and has many personal testimonies from women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer, it shares practical ideas to help support sufferers at all stages, be it at diagnosis, during treatment or during life after the initial treatments are over.

The book has exercises to develop an acceptance of thoughts and feelings, whilst the individual accounts validate the multitude of emotions felt by sufferers. Emotional Support Through Breast Cancer has had glowing reviews and it is easy to see why; it has the tone of a good friend and the wisdom of a health care professional. Anything to get through the trauma of breast cancer is a must, and this book impressed me on many levels: An essential.

Emotional Support Through Breast Cancer can be bought here