Tag Archives: relationship expert

Write Your Own Dating Rules by Jenni Trent-Hughes, the relationship expert

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relationshipsJenni Trent-Hughes, the relationship expert from eHarmony tells Frost Magazine readers to rip up the rule book.

Eighteen years ago the dating world was introduced to a book called ‘The Rules’ that we were meant to follow in order to guarantee a perfect love life. In those days, before online dating there were rules like: Don’t ask a man on a date! Don’t ask him to dance first! Don’t call him first! Don’t accept a date for Saturday if he asks you after Wednesday!

If you’ve found that ‘’not accepting a date for Saturday if they asked you after Wednesday’ worked for you, then I’m not going to tell you any different.  However as you’re here reading this in 2013, I suspect that you have realised that there is no magic secret; but I’m glad to say there is one tip that will help to bring you success or at the very least, remove some of the obstacles you may have stumbled over in the past.

Rules are like walls and sometimes walls need to be demolished to let the light in. Step outside your comfort zone and see what happens – be the dater you want to be not the one you’ve been told to be.

My one tip is this: Write your own rules! No one knows you better than you know yourself. You know what you’re capable of. You know what your parameters are. What you will be brave enough to do and what is going to be totally against your character, and you know what feels right.

I’m not going to tell you what not to do! You can figure that out yourself. I’ll just remind you of some things to do to help increase your chances of success when dating online.

1.    Reach out: If you see a profile that you like the look or sound of then make contact. There is no point spending weeks peeking at each other through cyberspace – say hello.

2.    Step outside your regular boundaries: Online dating is a golden opportunity to interact with people you might not originally have considered. Remember the first time against your better judgement you chose coconut ice cream and now it’s your favourite? That person who is a little older, a bit younger, that you’re attracted to but doesn’t match up to your usual ‘type’. That might just be The One.

3.    If you want to ask them out – just do it: Man or woman, we are in the 21st Century and we can do things that are new without the roof caving in. Traditionally men might have been the first to initiate a date, however things have evolved and it’s flattering to be asked out whatever your sex.

4. Be honest: Be yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Forget mind games, just be yourself and eventually you will find someone who is exactly the person you are looking for and you to them.

5. Learn to let go: We all have baggage, but when it comes to dating try and leave any hang ups at the door. Negative experiences in the past can affect the way you approach a new relationship, and although it’s good to be cautious, it’s also good to go in with a fresh new slate. Have fun and let your true self be at the forefront.

The Ghost of Relationships Past

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The old phrase ‘lesson learnt’ is never truer than after the end of a relationship. With each heart break we experience we take something different from it. But do we ever truly move on if we keep repeating the mistakes of our past relationships?

Relationship expert for online match maker eHarmony.co.uk, Dr Gian Gonzaga says “sometimes people lose faith in finding love because they seem to be continually attracted to the ‘wrong’ type of people”.  According to Gonzaga, at times it can seem as though no matter how hard we try we end up with the same problems but with different people, like magnets that attract the same situation over and over again.  It’s time we examine where we are going wrong and eradicate the real issue, to really be able to move on and find lasting love.

So excavate the past to create a different future for yourself:

The common denominator

Look at all your past relationships, write them down if it helps, and ask yourself these questions about each one. What attracted you to the person in the first place? What caused the relationship to end? Were there signs early on in the relationship that there were problems but you ignored them?

Old relationships are never wasted, they are a rich source of information which you can go back over to discover what you could do differently in the future. Be really honest with yourself and try to look at the relationship from an outsider’s point of view. What you are looking for is the similarities between them to see if there is a pattern.

Is the thing that attracts the thing that destroys?

Are you attracted to creative, emotionally unavailable men and then the relationship ends because you don’t get enough attention? Or are you drawn to bright, bubbly women but then fail to get very far because you feel threatened when she flirts with your mates?

Look at the people who have qualities that you find attractive – not just the ones you have had relationships with but also people in the media, friends etc. What is it in them that you find attractive? Then look at yourself and develop those qualities in yourself rather than waiting for someone else to come and make you feel that way.

Don’t fall for someone’s potential

This is the most common mistake that people make in relationships. They meet someone and they fall in love with what they ‘could be’ rather than what they ‘are’ today. They believe that if they love this person enough; give them lots of encouragement, support and everything they need in order to blossom that they will have a wonderful relationship together. Although this often comes from a loving place it is starting a relationship from the basis of wanting to change the other person rather than accepting and loving them as they are. It is a great feeling to be the hero or heroine in another person’s life but it is rarely going to lead to a healthy relationship because the basis of the relationship isn’t equal.

Look in the mirror

When a relationship ends it can be comforting to think it was all the other person’s fault but that attitude is depriving you of the opportunity of finding out what you could do differently next time. Look back through the story of your time together and look at your own behaviour. At what points could you have done something differently? Are you angry with all men/women because of things that have happened in your past? If so now might be the time to get some help if you really want things to change.

Change your mind

Just like any other area of life, relationship choices can become habitual and instinctive. We often dismiss potential matches simply because they don’t conform to an image we have in our head of ‘our type’. Open your mind and heart and start saying ‘yes’ to communication or dates with matches that you would normally dismiss out of hand, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Noone’s fate is fixed in stone, we can all change and grow and even if you have never had a healthy relationship in the past it is no reason that you never will in the future.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2011/11/how-to-make-your-future-love-life-different-from-your-past

 

Why men aren’t like frogs, and dating isn’t a numbers game

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By Jenni Trent Hughes. Relationship Expert at eHarmony.co.uk

 

 

There are so many myths out there about love and dating that when I talk to both singles and couples, I’m always amazed by the power these old sayings wield over us. A phrase that’s been passed on by a parent or trusted friend is often taken as gospel. And the one such myth I hear trotted out the most is that you have to kiss a rather depressing amount of frogs before you find a prince.

 

We’re certainly lucky to live in a world full of options. From takeaway coffee to sandwiches or TV channels, we’re so spoilt for choice it’s easy to think quantity is a good thing when it comes to dating too. That there’s a cornucopia of men out there, and if we dine out with enough of them we’ll hit upon that perfect needle in the haystack.

 

But as Plato very wisely said: “a good decision is based on knowledge, not on numbers”. If we know a bit about what we’re looking for then we won’t waste lots of time and energy on those so-called frogs. Here are my thoughts on dating myths I think are at best a bit silly and at worse damaging to our self-esteem and chance of finding real love:

 

“You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince”. The majority of women I meet with that attitude tend to wander the streets aimlessly kissing a heck of a lot of undesirables.  In many instances their frogs turn into lizards but almost never a prince. A prince is born a prince; he is not born a frog. So make sure you kiss princes with potential, not frogs, and if a frog should come along disguised as a prince, then learn from the experience ready for the next time.

 

“Dating is just a numbers game…”

Numbers games rely on chance. Would that then mean that finding love should be compared to roulette or poker? I think we can agree that all of those are tremendously risky activities over which you have and little control over the outcome. The idea that the more people you date the more chance you have in succeeding is misleading; laying a few pounds on which horse wins a race won’t make too much difference in your life if it goes wrong. However an overly cavalier attitude towards dating will provide less than stellar results. It’s about quality not quantity; dates with people that you have instant chemistry with, not endless dates with people because you ‘might as well’.  While it shouldn’t be approached with the precision of a military campaign it deserves more respect and attention than thinking of it as a game or a gamble.

 

“There are plenty more fish in the sea.”

We’ve most likely all heard this one before, delivered as good news from well-meaning friends when we’re emerging from a break-up or trying to get over someone. Though meant as a positive, it does seem to suggest that there are so many people out there that it’s easy to move swiftly on to the next ‘fish’. In fact, break ups or disappointments take time to get over, so don’t let yourself be rushed. Reflect on what’s best for you, and what you can learn from your relationship. Then, when the time comes to return to the dating scene, you’ll be able to use this knowledge to your advantage.

 

“Men are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken and the others already have ‘Mother & Child’ painted on them” Absolute nonsense. This sort of self-defeatist attitude means that you are crying over the end of the movie before you’ve even bought your ticket. There are just as many wonderful available men out there as there are women. You just need to know where to look and probably even more importantly how to look.

 

“I can’t go on any more bad dates. I would rather be home alone than out with some guy who sells socks on the internet” Never give up. Your next date might turn out be your last ‘date’ because he might be The One. Don’t stop dating, just start dating differently. Don’t go out on any old date just because you’ve been asked. Accept or initiate dates only when you genuinely believe there is an opportunity for an enjoyable time. If you think there is little or no chance that you will have a good date then don’t go in the first place, what’s the point? Find the middle ground where you’re giving a person a chance just be sure they’re worth it in the first place.

 

We should never stop sharing beliefs and thoughts with our friends as we help them along that road, but let’s just make sure these are helpful and positive pearls of wisdom that will keep us enthused and optimistic on that journey.

Get a Gold Medal Relationship by Jenni Trent Hughes

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GET A GOLD MEDAL RELATIONSHIP

by Jenni Trent Hughes, relationship expert for eharmony.co.uk

How an athlete prepares for podium success can teach us a lot about how we can strive to find a good relationship, enjoy the experience and deal with any knock-backs along the way. So, with the world’s finest athletes about to take centre stage in London, eHarmony®, the online matchmaker, applies the key traits of sports psychology to help singles achieve dating success.

“There are certain characteristics that athletes share and these are all values and beliefs that can help us not only in relationships but across all elements of our daily life.” Jenni Trent Hughes, relationship expert, eHarmony.co.uk. So whether you’re a novice dater or a relationship pro, put Jenni’s four gold medal winning traits in to action:

1) Confidence – when athletes feel confident, they are more readily able to turn sporting potential into superior performance. If someone like Usain Bolt walks into the stadium feeling threatened by his competitors or imagining all the possible things that might go wrong even he will be unlikely to end up on the podium. Many of us go into relationships holding up the possible negatives, dragging in past disappointments, and then walking straight into the result we’ve expected.

· Relationship tip: Raise your expectations: Winners are winners even before they first win. Date with confidence in yourself and allow future partners a fresh slate when entering a relationship.

2) Stamina – is an essential quality for a championship sportsman or woman, especially in events like the marathon or swimming where you really need to go the distance. Using your energy wisely means you will have enough of it in reserve when you need that little bit extra to achieve success. It’s the same in a relationship. If you’re aiming for a long run you should be prepared to go the distance to gain the best of the rewards.

· Relationship tip: Spend your emotional energy wisely. Avoid unnecessary drama, make love not war – avoid emotionally engaging in trivial matters, and save your energy for bigger matters that truly count.

3) Control – the difference between those that make it to the big league and those that don’t is the unwavering belief that they deserve to be there. They believe they are in command of the situation and have the necessary skills to achieve their desired result.

· Relationship tip: You are in control of you. Don’t fret and worry about what the other person is doing, thinking or saying – you can’t control that. Concentrate on your own behaviour and be responsible for it. Behave in a way that you feel will produce the best results.

4) Perseverance – unexpected stumbling blocks are inevitable for athletes, singles and couples alike. How you react in the face of adversity is often what determines the height your career reaches and it is the same in relationships. Michael Jordan famously said: “I have failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.” Be it a sports injury, performance slump or any of the hitches that a relationship may experience, positive thinking techniques aid recovery, keep your attitude on track and keep on the road to the relationship medal podium.

· Relationship tip: Don’t throw in the towel. If you’ve done your homework in advance then ensure you work together to resolve any conflict. You’re a team after all.

“Remember, you deserve to succeed, and while you may not be able to win gold for the 100 metre race you can certainly be a winner in the dating race!” Jenni Trent Hughes, relationship expert, eHarmony.co.uk

Dating Detox For 2012.

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As we bid hello to 2012, we look forward with a sense of optimism and hope,. January is the month of choice to cleanse ourselves of any harmful toxins we carried over from the previous year. As we carefully select which diets and detox to choose, eHarmony.co.uk offer a revolutionary detox plan for 2012. Welcome the ‘dating detox’, a fool proof, four step detox plan for even the biggest skeptics to get you right back on track in your dating life.

Cleanse your outlook and get a fresh start for 2012 with four tips from Dr Gian Gonzaga, relationship expert for online match-maker eHarmony.co.uk,

Dr Gonzaga begins with a question: ‘If you were to conduct a self-diagnostic checkup on the condition of your dating life, which of the following would apply?’

a. Strong and robust, with optimal functioning.

b. Generally healthy, though periodically sluggish and listless.

c. Anaemic and frail.

d. Comatose.

“If you answered “C” or “D,” chances are you’ve been single for awhile now and you’re suffering from overexposure to potent dating toxins. There are remedies you can use for yourself when you feel depleted and discouraged in your search for lasting love.”

Here is a four-step therapy from eHarmony.co.uk, that guarantees to flush the dating fatigue from your system and put you back on track:

1. Purge.

Unsuccessful dating attempts often leave behind a debris field of unfulfilled desires, unresolved grievances, and unyielding regrets. These are toxic to your emotional wellbeing, not to mention your chances for future success in matters of the heart. A critical step in the process of dating detox is learning to let go! Forget the past, and choose to move on.

2. Consume carefully.

A regimen of dating detox must include monitoring your intake of words, thoughts, advice, and images related to romance. Stay away from “downer” friends who whine about how hard it is to find a decent man/woman. Tune out family members who complain about their lousy relationships. When you feel your mood beginning to sink toward self-pity, do something about it. Even small shifts in your “diet” can lead to dramatic positive changes.

3. Rebuild.

Detox is not just about getting rid of unhealthy habits and emotions—but replacing them with ones more likely to get what you want. In this phase, begin by identifying the kind of partner you aspire to be. Are there qualities on the list you don’t yet possess? Make a plan to get there. Next, describe the person you are looking for in detail. This will help you recognise those people who don’t quite measure up—and save you another round of detox down the road.

4. De-stress.

Relationship experts point out the negative impact of placing too much stress on the dating process. Lots of people put tremendous pressure on themselves and their dates, continually analyzing what was said or not said, what they did or did not do. Having a relaxed, low-pressure approach to life and love makes for happy individuals—and happy individuals make happy, healthy romantic couples.

Everyone needs a round of dating detox now and then and what better time than the breaking of a new year.

 

SPRUCE UP YOUR DATING PROFILE

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Almost six million Brits are now dating online[1] but with so many people and so many profiles in the digisphere, it pays to be creative. Standing out from the virtual crowd has never been more important if you are hoping to meet a long term partner online.

“Whether you have signed up for the first time or have been online dating for several months, never under-estimate the power of your dating profile,” says Dr Gian Gonzaga, world-renowned expert in the field of compatibility and relationships for eHarmony®.

“Your online profile is a virtual window into your life, your passions, your goals and accomplishments. There’s no set formula for a ‘great profile’ as everyone’s different, but every profile should be positive and lively. Like a CV, it should show off your best points, but instead of a dry list of achievements it should be conversational in tone and full of personality.”

So, if you’re thinking of starting on the online dating journey, follow Dr Gonzaga’s ten tips to ensuring your profile gets you a first date, and lots more:

1. RELAX AND TURN OFF DISTRACTIONS

The first step is to get comfortable and relaxed and have a bit of distance from noise and distractions so you can concentrate on thinking about all your positives. Sit down on the sofa, put some music on, and start jotting down some thoughts about what makes you unique on paper, or the computer.

2. DO YOUR RESEARCH

What better way to research than reading other people’s profiles and looking at what you like about them, and what you don’t. Make sure your profile isn’t the same as others’ though. You’re unique.

3. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS SAY ABOUT YOU?

Everyone finds it difficult writing about themselves. It’s often easier to write about other people; so ask your close friends to describe your best qualities. Your friends can reveal a lot about your character that you may never spot.

4. STAY POSITIVE!

Avoid negative tones and always be positive about yourself. Your profile is essentially your dating CV. You wouldn’t want a future employer to read anything negative on your CV, so why would you want a potential partner to read anything that isn’t positive?

5. ADOPT A WRITER’S STYLE

Many people find poor grammar and spelling a turn off, and the best of us can make mistakes, so be careful on this point. Always write in full sentences, don’t abbreviate or use text speak. Then read your profile aloud, or ask a friend to double check it. Then put it into Word and use your computer spell check for final peace of mind.

6. UPDATE YOUR PHOTOS

Pictures are an essential part of your profile so use them to full effect. These are a few good examples:

– The Full Face Close Up: Great light, no sunglasses. You’re simply smiling!

– The Full Body: Ideally standing outside.

– The Waist Up: Sitting down and smiling.

– Your Passion: Doing something you really love – snowboarding, sailing etc.

– Your Favourite Place: Local park, the beach or garden, it’s a great conversation starter.

7. BE SPECIFIC

When you’re writing about what sums you up as a person, talk in specifics to give a full flavour of who you are. If you love travelling, say where your favourite place is and why. Anything concrete like this brings you alive to anyone reading, and improves your chances of there being some connecting points.

8. HAVE FUN!

Most people want to find someone who can make them laugh, so show people you have a sense of humour. If you can make someone laugh or someone can make you laugh, it’s a great icebreaker and could get your conversation off to a great start.

9. TWEAK AS YOU GO

Be prepared to tweak the profile as you go along, you can always come back to it and change it if you feel you didn’t quite get it right the first time. Add in your current achievements or hobbies, so if you’ve just started a photography course, then add that to your profile.

10. PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES

And finally, think about what you would think if you read your own profile. Are you interested in you? If you feel curious then you are off to a flying start.

eHarmony.co.uk helps its users to meet compatible matches through its patented Compatibility Matching System using data from its detailed Relationship Questionnaire. Unlike other dating sites, eHarmony.co.uk uses the results of the Relationship Questionnaire to match you with others who share similar characteristics, attitudes and beliefs – proven indicators of long term relationship success.

The site also provides its users with a free and in-depth Personality Profile which offers insights into who you are and how others perceive you – as well as what your needs are in a partner. Your profile, in and of itself, can be a valuable dating tool to you in your quest to find true love that lasts. The more you know about yourself, the more you will know what you need from a potential life-partner.

Just split up? It’ll cost you £5k to get over your ex

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Every year millions of Brits find themselves single again with the failure of the relationship taking its toll on their bank balance as well as their emotions.

A survey by borro.com, the UK’s leading online pawnbroker, has found that 88% of people spend up to £5,000 to get over an ex; splashing out on nights out, holidays and even new cars to make themselves feel better. Surprisingly, men spend more than women, with 36% shelling out between £1,000 and £5,000 post break-up. Women seem to opt for cheaper ‘pick-me-ups’ with up to £100 going on a new look or pampering.

And the length of time you have been with your partner also has an effect on how much you’ll spend getting over him / her. A massive 43% of relationships in the North West last less than two years and only £100 or less is spent getting over the end of the relationship for two in five people. Relationships in the East Midlands last longer, with 39% surviving three to five years, and 51% spending between £1,000 and £5,000 when they end.

It also seems that men are more sentimental than women, with four out of five men unwilling to use an item given by their ex to fund a post-breakup spending spree. In stark contrast, more than 30 percent of women would happily sell or pawn a present from an ex partner to raise some fast cash. A massive 57% of Scots are happy to say goodbye to a once cherished present, while sentimental souls in the North East would never consider this.

Paul Aitken, Founder and CEO of borro.com says: “We often see people use our service to free up cash to treat themselves after a break up. It’s the ideal option, as if they change their mind and get back together with their ex, they can get their jewellery or watch back and their ex will be none the wiser!”

Dr Pam Spurr, relationship expert and author of The Breakup Survival Kit said, “Although people will find these statistics surprising, I find one of the first things people do after a breakup is look for a quick-fix to feeling better. Often that means treating themselves to a luxury item or for women a makeover where it’s a case of ‘out with the old and in with the new look’!

“Sometimes an element of revenge goes hand-in-hand with this expenditure and a broken-hearted person feels justified pawning a present their ex gave them to use the money as they please.

“What some will find most surprising is that men appear to be more sentimental about hanging on to a present from their ex. In my experience, though, men can be very good at covering up their heartache but will take a breakup every bit as hard as women.

“Challenge yourself to try something new so you break free of ‘ex-related thinking’ – the faulty belief that your new life can ever be as good as your old life with your ex.”