Tag Archives: Singing

Great musical meals at Leon

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Leon at Shaftesbury Avenue

Leon at Shaftesbury Avenue

What do actors do when they’re not working? Well, a fair number of them are serving behind the counter at Leon in Shaftesbury Avenue. And between dishing out the chips, they are belting out show tunes for the diners.

Leon, as most people know, is a fast food restaurant specialising in light and wholesome wraps and salads. But in addition to the great food, they are now dishing out entertainment.

The Shaftesbury Avenue branch, a few yards from Piccadilly Circus and just around the corner to the big West End theatres, is staffed by an assortment of young and glamorous singers and actors. And to draw in the crowds, they take turns to belt out numbers from shows. All of which makes it cut above your average sandwich bar. The singing is free: you only pay for the food.

I had a chargrilled chicken aioli lunchbox – a fine chicken and salad lunch – and a sultry woman sang ‘Can you feel the love tonight’ from the Lion King. Thirty minutes of escapism, some great music and a good meal for £6.95 – it must be one of the best bargains in London’s Theatreland.

Light food - simple and tasty at Leon

Light food – simple and tasty at Leon

Singing Waitress at Leon in Shaftesbury Avenue

Singing Waitress at Leon in Shaftesbury Avenue

Madonna’s Still Got It Watch The Video That Proves It

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Madonna has been awesome since 1982 and she still shows no sign up slowing down. Her performance of Living For Love at the Grammys left all young pretenders in the dust. She may get a lot of ageist comments for being 56 but this proves all of her critics wrong. The video is the isolated vocals of her performance, no auto-tune. Her six-minute performance is amazing. If you don’t believe Madonna is still at the top of her game then watch and learn.

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What do you think? Has Madonna still got it?

UK’s Top 10 driving songs

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· 60 per cent of Brits say “golden oldies” and “cheesy classics” make the best driving playlist

· Three quarters of UK drivers indulge in ‘car-eoke’ – belting out tunes behind the wheel

· Holly Willoughby and David Beckham are the UK’s dream road trip companions

· Katie Hopkins is the UK’s nightmare car companion!

topdrivingsongsFrost is not adverse to singing in the car and it seems we are not the only ones. In an age of digital addiction – where everyone is keen to be connected, informed and upgraded – it seems our music taste hasn’t changed with the times. Despite a thoroughly modern lifestyle, Brits prefer to listen to classic bands like Queen in the car, a survey of 1,000 UK drivers revealed.

While one in three Brits use a smartphone or iPod to listen to music when driving, the majority of people prefer songs that were hits long before these devices were invented. Nine of the ten songs revealed as the best driving songs were released in the 1970s and 1980s. Brit rockers Queen topped the poll, stealing the first and second spots.

To mark the arrival of the New Original MINI, 55 years after the original Mini was launched in 1959, MINI has delved into the past to find the greatest driving tracks of all time.

Long live the Queen

The band Queen is the nation’s favourite artist overall to play in the car (16 per cent of votes), having beaten the likes of Michael Jackson (9 per cent), Fleetwood Mac (8 per cent) and Meatloaf (6 per cent) in the national poll. Their 1978 hit ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ was voted best driving song with a quarter of the votes, and ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ claimed number two with 21 per cent of the votes. Londoners favoured Michael Jackson while Scottish respondents voted for Fleetwood Mac and Geordies preferred to play Meatloaf.

UK drivers love ‘car-aoke’

Three quarters of Brits admitted they like to belt out a tune when behind the wheel. In fact, 28 per cent of respondents said they sing “loud and proud” no matter who is listening. However, almost half of the UK (46 per cent) will only sing when they are in the car on their own. ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA is the nation’s favourite guilty pleasure to croon along to.

Fantasy road trip: Holly Willoughby or David Beckham on Route 66

When it comes to choosing the dream trip to accompany a soundtrack, Brits opt for Route 66, with one in three of us saying that would be our fantasy drive. ITV’s Holly Willoughby topped the poll for the person we want most in the passenger seat – chosen over royalty, sporting heroes and film stars including Kate Middleton, David Beckham and Daniel Craig. David Beckham did however top the poll for women. Holly’s TV nemesis, Katie Hopkins, claimed top of the list for the ultimate nightmare car companion. Others on the nightmare list included Bruce Forsyth, Boris Johnson (who topped the poll for Londoners!) and UKIP party leader Nigel Farage.

Robbie helps us to relax

When it comes to tunes that calm us on the road, the song to choose is Angels by Robbie Williams. The hit topped the list of songs that soothe road rage, with a quarter of respondents selecting the popular 90s ballad. Conversely, Angels by indie band The XX had just four per cent of the vote for their 2012 single. Once again the more classic tracks, including Dionne Warwick’s Walk on By and U2’s With or Without You, were chosen over current chart favourites such as Strong by London Grammar (2 per cent) for relaxation.

MINI has recently launched the newest addition to its fleet, The New Original MINI, which combines over half a century of heritage with state-of-the-art technology and design. The stunning new Hatch – packing twin power turbo engines, in-car technology with ‘MINI connected’, and cutting-edge safety features – answers the nation’s need for a car that meets their modern requirements while satisfying their classic tastes.


TOP TEN DRIVING SONGS

1. Don’t stop me now – Queen

2. Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen

3. Bat out of hell – Meatloaf

4. Don’t stop Believin’ – Journey

5. Dancing Queen – Abba

6. Hotel California – The Eagles

7. Sex on Fire – Kings of Leon

8. Walking on Sunshine – Katrina and the Waves

9. Driving Home for Christmas – Chris Rea

10. I’m Gonna Be (500 miles) – The Proclaimers

THE TOP TEN GUILTY PLEASURE SONGS TO SING ALONG TO IN THE CAR

1. Dancing Queen – Abba

2. Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey

3. Come on Eileen – Dexy’s Midnight Runners

4. Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen

5. Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond

6. Baby One More Time – Britney Spears

7. I’m Gonna Be (500 miles) – The Proclaimers

8. Black Velvet – Allanah Myles

9. All Out of Love – Air Supply

10. Relight my Fire – Take That

THE BEST SONGS TO SOOTHE ROAD RAGE

1. Angels – Robbie Williams

2. With or Without You – U2

3. Walk on By – Dionne Warwick

4. Always – Bon Jovi

5. Yellow – Coldplay

OUR IDEAL ROAD TRIPS

1. Route 66, USA

2. Amalfi Coast, Italy

3. Land’s End to John O’Groats, UK

4. East Coast, Australia

5. Auckland to Queensland, New Zealand

OUR TOP FANTASY CELEBRITY ROAD TRIP COMPANIONS

1. Holly Willoughby

2. David Beckham

3. Daniel Craig

4. Kate Middleton

5. Boris Johnson

OUR NIGHTMARE PASSENGER SEAT COMPANIONS

1. Katie Hopkins

2. Bruce Forsyth

3. Boris Johnson

4. Nigel Farage

5. Harry Styles

Are You The Voice Of Soho? £5000 Up For Grabs In Singing Competition

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singingcompetitionNo need to feel ‘Les Misérables’ this January as sophisticated cocktail bar, Archer Street, renowned for it’s unique entertainment by the all-singing bar staff, will be launching the Archer Street’s Got Talent competition, ready to uncover the ‘Voice of Soho’. In keeping with the history of the street as a musical hub for musicians and artists alike, the bar is looking to discover a real gem of talent.

This exciting competition will give someone who is not currently performing in the West End nor in a singing contract, the opportunity to break into their dream career with a cash prize of £5,000 and the coveted title as the ‘Voice of Soho’. The riveting competition will run over four months, with eight heats and with eight contestants in each, beginning on 28th January and culminating in the grande finale on Tuesday 15th April.

The judging panel shall be comprised of West End star and former X Factor finalist, Brenda Edwards, who is currently staring as Killer Queen, the lead role in ‘We Will Rock You’. Mike Hanson a very experienced radio Producer/editor, who currently holds a senior position within the industry, along with one other industry professional and a different guest celebrity each week. The public will also have a chance to vote for their favourite runner up each week, with the most popular securing a wild card entry in the final.

If you’ve “dreamed a dream” that you could be the next West End star or think you know of someone who deserves the ‘Voice of Soho’ title, quick, get your applications in now for the chance to take part. Furthermore, just by registering on the Archer Street website, supporters of acts shall receive guest list entry and 20% off on the night.

On discovering Archer Street on the front cover of The Musician Magazine from October 1951, and the history and significance of the street as the artistic meeting point for West End Musicians during the jazz era of the 1920’s and 1930’s. It was this important history and legacy of Archer Street as an artistic capital, that owner of Archer Street bar, Siobhan MaGill was desperate to rediscover and continue, through the launch of Archer Street’s Got Talent.

Siobhan MaGill, arguably the Queen of Soho, first moved to Soho in 1998 and since then has successfully operated and transformed many bars in the area. With her bars being located right in the heart of the West End it was always her aim to bring an essence of the theatre into the bars. An aim, which she has undoubtedly successfully achieved, not only at Freedom on Wardour Street, where she has created one of the most versatile performance spaces, providing a platform for many unknown artists to showcase their talent but also at Archer Street, where the bar staff are some of most talented singers in London, who have worked at some of the Capital’s leading musical’s including Thriller, We Will Rock You and Book of Mormon and continue to impress guests with their nightly performances.

So, do you “consider yourself” the Voice of Soho?

To enter email: GotTalent@archerstreet.co.uk

Competition dates:
Round 1 – Tuesday 28th January 2014
Round 2 – Tuesday 4th February 2014
Round 3 – Tuesday 18th February 2014
Round 4 – Tuesday 25th February 2014
Round 5- Tuesday 11th March 2014
Round 6 – Tuesday 18th March 2014
Round 7 – Tuesday 25th March 2014
Round 8 – Tuesday 8th April 2014
GRAND FINALE – Tuesday 15th April 2014

Archer Street’s Got Talent
Entry from 8.30pm performance begin from 10.30pm
Archer Street
3-4 Archer Street
Soho
London
W1D 7AP
T: 020 7734 3342
W: www.archerstreet.co.uk
E: bookings@archerstreet.co.uk

Karaoke Box Smithfield Review

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Having been asked to review the recently re-launched Karaoke Box Smithfield for Frost Magazine, I duly rounded up a posse and proceeded to check it out on Friday night. After a couple of last-minute cancellations, our group consisted of three musical theatre professionals, two old hands at karaoke, and one “virgin” who had no intention of singing.

The first thing that struck me on arrival was the staff who were friendly, welcoming and helpful, particularly bar manager Paolo Espinosa, who set everything up in the room and showed me how it all works, and Lois Roberts on reception. The second was the venue itself: the bar area was airy and very tastefully decorated, as were the booths which also had interesting lighting systems. On a more prosaic note, the toilets were lovely and clean.

All of our troupe enjoyed the privacy of the booth setting, feeling “quite relaxed as opposed to standing up and singing in a bar,” and our non-singer had lost her virginity within 20 minutes (to Suzi Quatro’s “Can the Can”), saying “as a virgin singer I felt very safe to sing (there).” Another guest loved that the booths allowed separate parties to enjoy themselves without risk of intrusion and the ability to talk and be heard.

The playlist also came in for praise: with over 9,000 songs, everybody found something they knew. The background videos caused some hilarity in our party, with the suicidal goat being the highlight of one person’s night!

The only complaints were about the system itself: a few of the songs were quite badly out of sync; and there seemed to be quite a long wait between songs, even when they were queued up. A key change facility would also be nice, as I believe people who take their karaoke seriously often look for this facility. However, the mikes worked very well; it was very easy to adjust the mix between backing and vocals; and the screen was a very good size.

We were in Room 3, which according to the website is a 14 person room, although I think that would be rather crowded and I wouldn’t personally recommend more than 10 people for comfort. This room costs £70 per hour before 9pm and £98 per hour afterwards. While this seems quite expensive, it doesn’t actually work out to much more per head than people pay for children’s birthday parties or a visit to the cinema.

The bar at Karaoke Box is well stocked, and cocktails and pizzas are both on sale (although we didn’t sample either).

I would recommend Karaoke Box to anyone who seriously enjoys karaoke, as it is much more pleasant that waiting for hours in a crowded bar just to get to sing once or twice. It’s also ideal for birthdays, hen parties, office parties or for anyone who enjoys an activity-based night out. Rooms vary in capacity from 2 to 30 people, and in price from £20 to £210 (for the VIP room) per hour. For more information, visit http://karaokebox.co.uk/smithfield/ or telephone their friendly staff on 020 7329 9991.

The Voice: week 3

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Do you ever get the feeling that the world has cocked a formerly deaf ear in your direction? I’m starting to suspect that those savvy telly types at The Voice are listening to tutting head shakers like me and chucking in a few tweaks, albeit too late.
Week three has been something of a turning point.


Sure, we had the usual back story nonsense that destroys all the credibility of the show. We learned, for no reason whatsoever, that Cassius Henry’s kid brother had passed away and that Kate Read’s mother was an internally beautiful inspiration to her. We also saw that young Bill Downs was going to have to postpone his wedding day if he got through- something his fiancé seemed more than happy about, presumably hoping that he’s grow out of his addiction to leather wrist bands before the big day. Most annoying of all was the backstory they pre-climaxed the show with. Poor Tyler James, erstwhile BFF of the talented but troubled junkie Amy Winehouse, made it quite clear that this was for him now, for himself, for his confidence as a singer and songwriter in his own right. Of course we only heard this from Tyler because we couldn’t see his wind-tunnel features thanks to the barrage of Amy pics they decided to thrust at us. You could almost hear the producers screaming, “Look! Amy friggin’ Winehouse everyone!”
Tyler sang about as well as anyone nailed to a plank can be expected to and, once he’d finished waving his little arms about like a dreaming grasshopper, Billiam thanked him for hitting that last note in a falsetto voice because Tom had dropped the word ‘falsetto’ into an earlier comment and it has become the word of the day- it’s all very technical I’m sure.
We also had plenty of clumsy prodding from the voices in the heads of these judges- sorry, ‘coaches,’ like when Cassius, a former TOTP performer, was instantly asked by Bill.y.boy. “What’s been your big, music career… move… to date?” Funny he didn’t ask that of Hanna the cheerleader or Jay the pizza guy isn’t it?
This week, though, there was a lot more for me to enjoy. The coaches were on top form. Any one of them could easily replace the entire panel on BGT and it would constitute a personality upgrade. In the opening credits Tom said, “I wish I had eyes on the back of my head,” and I couldn’t help thinking, “one more nip and tuck session Boyo and you probably will!” Jessie was on fire and so was Will.E.Wonka. Even Danny made me laugh.
I should really temper all this adoration though by saying that being entertaining isn’t really enough for a show of this calibre.
What I’d also like is some insight into the experience and knowledge of these ‘international music gods’ beyond shouting ‘Pick Me!’ and throwing spit bombs across the classroom at the others. This week I thought the elder statesman of the panel gave the most useful critiques which surprised me because I thought he was only there for the sex and only even noticed there was someone singing when they got loud enough to be picked up by his ear trumpet. He told Leanne Mitchel she had a lot of ‘timber’ in her voice which I’m almost certain isn’t Welsh for ‘your singing gives me wood’. He also told Hanna she didn’t ‘over do it’ and advised Bill to work on going in and out of falsetto (take notes everyone). I know it’s not much but at least it’s singing-based commentary from someone who should know.
Elsewhere, Jessie Jay told poor Ruth that there are people who can sing and then there are those who, like her, can ‘SENG!’ Which I can only guess means ‘miss every SENGle note!’ Will.E.Warmer had to explainhis laughter as not being at ‘the girl’ but at ‘Jessie’s state right now’ and I, like him, have no idea what that means.
Other parts of this week’s show were, to be fair, exactly what it claims to be about.
Joelle Moses was outstanding. Alison Brown wasn’t picked in spite of being a MOBO award winner back in 98 and Cris Grixti was able to just come out and sing without his appearance clouding anyone’s judgment. He wasn’t picked but it wasn’t because of his height or his passing resemblance to John Belushi and that, surely, is the point of ‘The Voice’.
I do still, however, have my reservations about this format.
They have decided that each coach will pick ten people for their team and that they must do this at the time they hear them sing. I can see why they would want to do anything if it meant they were seen as different to other talent shows but it just seems to be making life difficult for no reason.
Judges are becoming increasingly hamstrung, forced to hold off picking someone today for fear they may have no room left tomorrow and, vice-versa, as the end of the auditions draws near they might be forced to recruit people much weaker then those let go in earlier rounds because they’re running out of time and need to get to ten.
Imagine a scenario where Danny has seven people and there are only a handful of singers left to see. He’d have to pick everyone- regardless of talent or…what? “Sorry Danny but you only picked eight so you’re not allowed to carry on.” I can’t see that happening.
Even now, in week three, we’re seeing singers being ignored because a coach already has enough like them in their team. The whole thing has become a game of tactics and gambles with Will.I.Ever now trying to force singers onto other teams and, in the case of Alison Brown, everyone saying they were all waiting for Jessie to pick her.
“You’re amazing but I can’t pick you” is no good to a singer who deserves to go through but can’t because the rules have been made up by people more concerned with doing things differently than staying true to the premise of the show. Additional jeopardy and decision-forcing rules work for a game show but that’s meant to be precisely what this isn’t.
The Voice is meant to be a quest for the best singers and, until you’ve heard everyone sing, how can you decide who they are?

 

THE VOICE: WEEK 1.

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Right!

Before we start, before we even think about starting and are still in bed scrambling for the snooze button, let’s get something very clear indeed.

‘The Voice’ ISN’T about finding a voice.

Let’s just knock that idea on the head and put it in a dark corner to come round in its own time and wander off unnoticed shall we?

The notion that this is all about pure singing ability and nothing else is so absurd that it’s forced me to use the words, ‘notion’ and ‘absurd’ and I’m not even in a period drama.

The number of indicators that disprove the title are far too numerous to list here but the opening couple of contestants pretty much said it all.

We open with a 17-year-old who’s first sentence is about how important songwriting is to her and how she’s always getting picked on.

BOOM!

That’s pretty much all you need to hear. Instantly we know that this, just like ‘X-Factor’ is about milking some undiscovered talent for phone votes. If you haven’t got a back-story that will have us all wiping tears from the screens of our mobiles then forget it.

Jessica played a Jessie Jay song- what were the odds? Sang about as well as your average teenager who can sing. Mascara flowed backstage and mindless teenies screamed out front.

What should have happened was the judges eventually turn around, once the singing has stopped, and tell her they didn’t pick her because even though she could probably get by as a performer, this show is all about The Voice and there are more chops in Paul McCartney’s fridge.

Instead, all four judges wanted to work with her like she’d just invented singing from scratch, and Will.i.am…Will.I.Am.. Will- sod it, Bill, offered her global success and record deals in every country he could think of before anyone else had even spoken. When they did, it wasn’t really worth it.
Hmmm. That was kind of easy. Well done Jessica- or ‘The New Whitney’ as we should probably call her. Bullseye! Lets send the crew home- job done! Lights off Tom, last one down the Grammies pays for the Chrystal!

Jessica, now, a middle-of-the-road, unheard-of teenager with a single, bog-standard performance to her name, has the unenviable task of telling someone who has produced Michael Jackson why she’s not picking him. It was like ‘Blind Date goes to Hollywood’ and little Billy was snubbed in favour of Miss. J. because ‘number one hits don’t matter’ to our little Irish Superstar. She’s ‘a songwriter’ and it’s all about ‘making music and sharing my message.’

WOAH!! No it’s not- not to us anyway! Not here on ‘The Voice’! Anywhere but here surely? Come on!
It’s all about THE VOICE isn’t it? I’m no vocal coach but I know she’s vocally about as unique as a pair of Crocs.

I had to take a moment. I had to slap myself in the face and grow up a little.
My hopes that this would carry the integrity the BBC usually floats above all other channels on, was misguided. How silly of me for thinking it might do what it says on the tin (what it ‘reads’ on the tin actually because tins can’t speak- but I digress) and be just about finding the best voice in the country. How naïve can I be?

If they wanted to find the best voice in the country they would have done it differently and would almost certainly be choosing mostly professionals why? Well because life’s like that. They’re professionals for a reason.

Don’t get me wrong, there are examples of undiscovered gems that only a talent show can unearth- over on the other side in the ‘shallow lands’ of ITV we had a teenage fat lad on BGT that had me crying so hard I got snot on the dogs.

HE should have been on The Voice- it was made precisely for people like him.
Even a half-deaf nobody like me could hear that his voice was up there- WAY up there. Better (in my view of course) than Russell Watson… now what’s his nickname again? And Paul Potts- not to be confused with Pol Pot under any circumstances, and even the Susan ‘Bovine’ Boyle. This kid has a truly amazing voice. But instead of having Tom Jones on his feet shouting the Louis Walsh anthem- “You’re what this show is all about!” He was having his chins stared up at by Carmen Electra who’s about as appropriate a judge of anything but nipple bronzer and smiling through ‘pout cramp’ as Jessie Jay is on making it in spite of being fat and ugly.

Breathe…. Find a happy place… it’s only TV.

So, with my new awareness of The Voice fully updated I watched on while, somewhere in my subconscious, there was yet another memorial service for a little bit of my soul.

Next up we had Sean- formerly of boy band ‘FIVE’… ‘5IVE’… ‘FIV5’?- sod it ‘V’. He suffered the ignominy of four chair backs and smiled through the tumbleweed. The judges turned and told him what an amazing voice he had and that they just ‘couldn’t see what they could do’ for him? Well picking him would have been a start. Jessie said she would love to listen to his voice all day, at home. Well, unless he comes round to fit her new kitchen, she’s not gonna get the chance now is she? His voice wasn’t great so, in this instance, they were right but the cracks in the premise of this show were already so clear it was like skydiving over the Grand Canyon and we were only two songs in. Sean could have had the voice of an angel but his story and his lack of anonymity had sealed his fate before he drew breath.

And so it went on, We had a lady with a good voice and a bald head who I, and I suspect the entire audience, felt a little robbed of their emotion by when she announced it was alopecia. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a horrible thing to happen to anyone, especially a woman trying to make it as a singer. But in the world of unintentionally bald women it’s something of a best-case-scenario.

We had an overweight, slightly effeminate Adele impersonator and Tom Jones fan. Surprisingly only one judge turned around- it was Tom… what did you say those odds were again? He was a good singer with a great personality. They all said they thought it was a woman singing and then Tom, clearly not on message, said he thought he sounded like him and, as the laws of inevitability crashed into his lap, then had to turn and ask the other judges if they thought he sounded like a woman too?

When Tom Jones has to ask people who have been chosen to judge singing talent if he sounds like a woman it’s time to throw your glitter wig into a bucket and ride out-of-town.

This is my biggest problem with ‘The Voice’- the judging process.

I like, and respect, all the judges and when I heard that TJ was one of them I instantly expected him to do what everyone wants from this show. I like Jessie and Bill and Danny from The Script. All quality judges- and not a Carmen Electra amongst them. This is what the BBC does but it usually makes its own programs and doesn’t buy them in. When it does we get this.

This was the first episode and by the end we already had Tom and Bill dropping names like they were playing Top Trumps and it had turned into a judge fight just like all the others that follow the laws as dictated by the much-thumbed ‘how to make talent shows’ by S. Cowell.

They’d run out of pleas, were bereft of ways to sell themselves to their prospective protégés and had to resort to flirting, begging and bragging by the end credits.

We’ve got an entire series to go yet!

Instead of the show allowing them to say, “Sorry mate but I can’t see how I’m going to discover you if you’ve already been discovered.” Which would be fair enough on the X-Factor. They have to keep it all about the singing, even though it’s clearly not, or they’ll get plebs like me complaining in our dozens. So someone with a voice like a toddler murmuring from the far end of a storm gets offered world domination and someone with a great voice but no back story will be told they’re ‘pitchy’ or not ‘leading’ enough instead by a woman who owes a large part of her success to skin-tight lycra.

I know I need to relax and just enjoy it. I will, I promise. But for now I can’t help but despair at what seemed like something new being the same old crap as everything else but with a new gimmick.

Shame really… still, can’t wait till next week!

Susan Boyle- The Emperor's got Talent.

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I was right about The Darkness. Sorry, but while you were all hailing them as the new ‘Queen’ I was shaking my head and thinking, ‘That lad’s a ‘top C’ and a bag of chips away from disaster.’
I still feel I’m right about button flies. I stand there by the exit of public toilets, fiddling with myself and thinking, ‘This is how they came up with ‘The Cube’!’

I was wrong about Uggs- fair enough. I was wrong about Mark Wright- seems like a decent lad, he can live. I’m happy to be corrected.

So can somebody, please, tell me why Susan Boyle is worth millions?

I saw her this morning on the day-before-yesterdays ’This morning’, which I’m sure qualifies me for my own Tardis, and all I could think was what I always think when I hear her sing: “It’s just a woman, singing!”

As I write, my wife is treading the boards in a West-End musical. Many of our friends are from the same industry. Trained, talented people. My wife can sing. She’s a very good singer- a professional, as it were. She’s not worth millions.

Susan Boyle can sing, of course she can. She’s got quite a nice voice, but take the echo off her microphone and she’s just a woman who can sing, and there are thousands of those.

Everyone, even now, goes back to that moment on BGT when she came out onto the stage looking, it has to be said, slightly bovine and did what has, in my opinion, made her fortune. She sang ‘better than expected’. In other words, she sings better then she looks like she can sing. If she’d looked like Celine Dion she’d have got a raised eyebrow from Simon and a, ‘yes, but would the Queen like it?’ from Piers.

She waddled out before the judges, all flock wall paper and facial hair, and started gyrating her hips and speaking in tongues. Everyone thought she was going to be guided gently back off by someone in a smock and marigolds muttering, “Honestly Susan, I turn my back for five minutes…” But instead she nodded to the magic hand on the sound system that, thankfully for her, could still play C90 cassette tapes, and let rip.

It was impressive. Anton- the taller half of the conjoined presentation unit ‘Anton Dec’, turned to the camera, “You didn’t expect that, Didga!” I shook my head- I hadn’t. But then, I didn’t expect Diversity to be as good as they were. I didn’t expect that guy who swallows snooker balls and goldfish to be able to regurgitate Amanda Holden’s ring after unlocking it with his over-worked duodenum, but he did, and he’s not worth millions either.

Nine days later she’s an internet sensation and tipped to win the whole thing. She’s mentioned on Oprah and has been credited with reinventing music altogether and fathering/mothering Jesus, so I thought I ought to Google her performances since that moment on BGT and see what all the fuss is about.

Well, apart from that two minutes and twenty seconds of audition, and a CD version of ‘cry me a River’ from TEN YEARS previously. There was nothing… that would be ‘nothing at all’, the kind of thing that you’re left with if you take something from something- that nothing.

That CD of ‘Cry Me A River’ by the way, was dug up after her appearance on BGT. ‘Hello’ claimed it “cemented her status” as a singing star and no less a journal than the New York Times saw it as proof that she wasn’t just a ‘one trick pony.’ But, surely, even a pony with two tricks is no ‘Mr. Ed’.

Years pass and I’m left fiddling with my flies while I queue outside the Ugg shop for a £200 pair of lazily-crafted slippers, expecting the moment of revelation to come. Waiting for that enlightenment where I suddenly hear what everyone else can hear, but I can’t. All I can hear is a woman singing. All I can see is a woman who can sing better than her appearance would have you expect.

Susan, like Cher and Madonna, is now known by only one name but, unlike them and more like Jedward, it’s not her actual name but an abbreviated amalgamation: ‘SUBO’. Thankfully her second name isn’t Bale or it would be ‘SUBA’ which is ‘A BUS’ backwards and her PR people will want her as far from associations with the back of a bus as possible.

The worry is that, as her image is cultivated and her appearance improves, that ‘juxtaposition’ [wikipedia’s word- not mine] is lessened. As her fame and income increase she will, inevitably, end up looking more like Beyoncé Knowles and less like Nick Knowles and somebody, somewhere will finally look at her and think, ‘Hang on, it’s just a woman, singing.’

From what I’ve seen of her, Susan Boyle is a lovely lady. She seems to have a good sense of humour, a degree of humility and a half decent singing voice. I have nothing against her at all and wish her all the best. I just don’t understand, now the surprise has worn off, what all the fuss is about.

Maybe I’m wrong- maybe, thankfully, she’s not ‘in the altogether’ after all and her voice really is millions of pounds better than all the other women who can sing but, like the emperor’s new outfit, I just can’t see it.