Well, I’ve been away from these wild pages for a short while… I know, I know… it’s been hard for you. Those long winter nights must have been like long winter nights but fear not- stout fellows, for I am reborn in the guise of Reality TV reviewer and blogger, both here on the beautifully popular Frost Magazine and for a brand new website dedicated to everything theatrical: www.stagestatus.co.uk.
As many of you will already know, I’m extremely opinionated so I guarantee I shall be saying stuff that many of you will disagree with, and I’m NOT a performer- of any kind. As I wrote that I could almost hear the luvvies amongst you hissing like vampires in a tanning salon.

Don’t get me wrong, I have ‘connections’ and I am qualified- well enough to write this anyway. I’m not just some fat , northern, gobby bloke who resents the fact that for every Billy Elliot there are thousands of bog-standard plebs still shoveling shit every day and he’s one of them. Neither am I someone who has tried to make it vocally- queued up for X Factor only to be told by some teenager with a clipboard and a lanyard, ‘you’re not even talented enough to be ridiculed’.

I just don’t have the talent to perform… but I can write.

Wherever you get your fix of TV you’ll have about as much chance of avoiding the reality gushing from it as I have of avoiding the reality of man boobs- in other words, it’s way too late so just go with the flow and find someone you can trust to measure your cup size.

That would be me.

I shall be starting in earnest with ‘The Voice’. Currently the biggest TV show in America and already a huge hit in 29 other countries. The BBC have spent 22 million pounds of our money getting it over here so I intend to make sure I get my money’s worth.

Following that I shall be sinking my teeth into the latest ALW search for Jesus in the vain hope that the real thing will turn up and get rejected for not being ‘jesusy enough’ by someone so uptight they have their farts auto-tuned to stop them accidentally attracting sheep dogs.

Until these delicious freak shows- or amazing opportunities to unearth undiscovered gems, depending on your viewpoint, are with us, here’s my view of two of the current crop- just to give you an idea of how I think.

Dancing on Ice: Love it! Want to lose myself in Katarina Witt beyond the reach of even the coast guard and genuinely respect the amount of time and effort the celebrities have had to put into it. Plus, anything with Philip Schofield in is TV gold for me as I like to pretend he’s my actual friend so I’m clocking up TV minutes in his ‘company’ like air miles in the hope it will eventually become official. I’m glad Louie Spence took over from Jason because it was just turning, like so many other Judge-based panel shows, into a showcase for the judges and not the talent. I love Chico as much as any straight man can and I think Jorgie will win because she’s clearly the most talented at the job in hand from every angle. My only bugbear about the little fire cracker is the way she pretends to be a six year old at Alton Towers every time she speaks. “Oh my golly, it was so, so, so, hard and everything! Ooh, I’ve got sparkly on my nosey. Time for bo bo’s. Will you read me a story unky Phil?” And then she goes out and performs with the kind of steely determination that could force the Terminator to re-word his catch phrase to, “I’ll only be back if the public decide to keep me in.” If you can perform like that and are happy to occupy the wank-banks of every lads mag reader in the country then you could at least talk like someone who eats without a bib.

Take me out: With pleasure- I’m just waiting for the bullets I bought on Ebay to arrive and the I’ll be right on it, till then I’m afraid it’s, ‘No ammo- no blammo!’

So there you are.

One thing I will add is that in this age of media submersion- a phrase I just made up so bear with me, reading things like this used to be a one-way street. I wrote stuff then you read it, flushed the bog and went back to work. Nowadays it’s more conversational. We have the ability to respond to the idiotic and clearly misguided views of gits like me and that’s precisely what I want you to do. If you are a performer, or a ‘creative’ or you’re a member of the public (the most important people of all), and you have a view then educate me- tell me that you once worked with the no-mark I’ve just torn to pieces and he/she is actually bloody good and deserves a break.

I’ll be there. I won’t be getting into any slagging matches and I may not have time to respond to every comment but I’ll be about, writing and reading and, most importantly of all, maybe, just maybe (but doubtfully if I’m honest- and I usually am) changing my mind. It can happen and that’s the beauty of a blog on a website over a newspaper column or a TV show.

So please feel free to comment either via the main website forums or on my twitter account @elywhitley because, at the end of the day, your opinion is just as valid as mine and as long as what I write gets people talking, either in agreement or disagreement, then I’ve done my job.

To paraphrase the famous saying: Opinions are like arse holes- everyone’s got one… and even Simon Cowell’s stinks now and again. Also, I tend to communicate through mine so don’t worry if it leaves a nasty taste in your mouth… ever get the feeling you’ve taken an analogy too far?

The voice begins on 24th March so I shall be spewing my thoughts from then onwards- may God have mercy on my soul.